POV: Jack

“Oh no…” I groaned, running over to Alex immediately as the panic kicked into overdrive inside me.

He was sitting on the old, leather sofa in the corner of the room, doubled over with one hand holding his head up. But my undivided attention was on his other hand, which was holding an almost empty bottle of vodka… It made my heart sink straight into my stomach. I couldn’t quite believe what I was seeing.

He didn’t lift his head to look at me or acknowledge my presence in any way; he just continued to hang his head and stare at the floor.

“Alex?” I spoke tentatively, dropping to my knees in front of him to get a proper look at him.

I was shocked and relieved to find he was even conscious as his eyes slowly raised and locked with mine.

My heart froze in its rapid beating when our eyes locked together, because what I saw in his eyes chilled me to my very core. They were dark and empty; the familiar warm light that I usually seek comfort in was gone, leaving them looking cold and lifeless.

But the thing that frightened me most was how glazed over and bloodshot his eyes were… I knew that look in his eye all too well from those days he would drink himself into unconsciousness on a daily basis.

“What the fuck is going on?” I asked fearfully, almost dreading the answer.

He didn’t say anything and the silence was starting to become unnerving. My eyes drifted away from his unfocused gaze to rest on the bottle in his hand once more.

How can he be drinking again after 3 years being sober? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

“Alex? Why have you been drinking?” I whispered in horror, slowly extending my hand and wrapping it firmly around the near-empty bottle. He immediately loosened his grip to allow me to slide it out of his hand, taking it off of him. But it was too late… I was too late; the damage was already done.

My worried eyes connected with his lifeless ones again, begging him for an answer that he seemed reluctant to tell me. Eventually, he gave in to me and spoke.

“You were right,” he croaked in a strangled voice. “Should‘ve listened to you…”

That doesn’t really answer my question…

I had no idea what he was talking about, but the despair was distinctive in his voice and I could tell that he had been crying.

“What are you talking about?” I demanded urgently, desperate for some clear answers… Some clue as to what the hell had broken him down like this.

Alex’s eyes suddenly filled with tears as I stared at him with an expression of desperation and worry, and it seemed that he couldn’t take my gaze anymore; he just buried his head in his hands again, hiding from the analytical eye contact.

I sat there helplessly, watching my best friend and the man I love completely fall to pieces in front of me, unable to comfort him properly because I didn’t even know what had happened. I felt myself getting choked up too just at the sight and I knew I had to do something to at least try and console him.

I stood up slowly and took a seat next to Alex’s trembling body on the sofa. I put my arm round his shoulder comfortingly, pulling him close.

“Shh, don't cry, Lex... It’s going to be okay... I’m here now…”

I'll always be here.

He suddenly lifted his head to look at me with a contorted expression of pain, eyes swimming with devastation.

“H-how can it be okay?” He cried loudly, sounding like he genuinely wanted an answer. An answer that I didn’t have. “I’ve fucking lost everything!”

Oh dear God… What the fuck has happened?

“You’ve still got me!” I reminded him, somewhat uncertainly, wondering why he thought he'd lost everything.

"But I haven’t!” Alex spluttered sadly. “Your hers. I p-pushed you away… and- and we lost everything we had for nothing but a lie!”

Something clicked in my brain with these words and I suddenly knew what had happened. My eyes widened further in horror and my mouth fell open as the truth hit me right between the eyes.

“Lisa... She lied, didn't she?” I whispered vigilantly, almost afraid of the words I was saying.

Alex screwed his face up in what appeared to be hurt and anger. Then, he nodded slowly as more tears streamed from his eyes, staining his cheeks.

I was completely lost for comforting words suddenly. I couldn’t even bring myself to ask what the real truth was because I was too distracted by my heart beating painfully inside my chest as Alex’s words echoed in my head: “we lost everything we had for nothing but a lie.” I felt empty inside, like Alex had just ripped open a massive hole inside my heart.

“The baby isn’t even mine!” Alex choked, burying his head in his hands again, distraught.

I thought she was lying all along, but now that I know the baby really isn't his, I don’t want to believe it… I don’t want it to be true, because I don't want all the heartache we've suffered to be for NOTHING.

The truth was finally out and the destruction was settling in, both mentally and physically. Alex was clearly having a break down and I guessed he had been drinking again to try to fill the painful void Lisa had ripped open inside of him.

“I... don't know what to say. I’m sorry, Alex,” I apologised weakly, still holding his trembling body close. I rested my head on his, fighting back tears myself, as he cried on my shoulder.

“You- you tried... to tell me sh-she was lying,” he stammered, struggling to speak.

He lifted his head from my shoulder so he could look me in the eye, as the tears still spilled endlessly from his.

“You- you even said n-not to come crying to you w-when the truth came out…” he reminded me of words I had written months ago in my letter to him and forgotten about about up until now. “And that’s exactly what I’m doing now!”

All of a sudden, he unexpectedly started to laugh as well as cry, for some reason finding the fucked up irony of the situation funny. After a few seconds, he was laughing and crying so much he was fighting for his breath. It was clear to me that he had lost the fucking plot.

“I was just angry when I wrote that letter… You know I’m always here for you when you need me really,” I assured him truly, at a loss for what else to say.

His hysteria slowly died down and he regained composure, taking deep, shaky breaths. He sat forward on the sofa, sitting with his head in his hands. He didn’t say anything for what felt like hours and the only sound was the all-too-familiar sound of my heart breaking echoing in my ears. I've learned to love the pain, 'cause that's the only way that I know how to feel.

Then, all of a sudden, he spoke again, but he suddenly didn’t sound like himself.

“I bet you’re loving this,” he accused me, rashly snapping his head in my direction to glare at me with his vacant eyes.

The tears had finally come to a stop, but the evidence of his breakdown was written all over his tear-stained and pained face.

“Of course I’m not!” I protested innocently, actually offended by his accusation.

How could I possibly love this when he is such a fucking wreck?

“How badly do you want to say you told me so?” He asked coldly, arching an eyebrow.

"Fucking hell, Alex, that is the last thing I want to say to you right now!" I exclaimed in disbelief of his downright nerve.

What does he take me for? Some kind of heartless jerk that gets a kick out of seeing him break?

“Don't lie to me,” he spat, shrugging my arm off his shoulder and moving away from me. “I fucking hate liars!”

My mouth was now literally hanging open in shock.

“I’m not lying!” I insisted frustratedly, insulted again by his lack of faith in me as his loyal friend.

It was obvious that Lisa had turned him against me, into a paranoid, drunken mess... And it killed me to see that.

“Just fucking say you told me so!” He commanded forcefully, getting angry at me for no apparent reason.

I knew it was more himself that he was angry at, for actually getting himself in a position where I could say "I told you so" to him, even though I didn't even fucking want to.

“Alex, please... Calm down. I promise you, everything will be alright,” I replied desperately.

Suddenly, he jumped to his feet so fast I recoiled in surprise from the rash movement. He somehow managed to remain upright and tower over me menacingly, making me cower away from him and push myself back into the sofa as much as I could.

“You PROMISE? What, like you PROMISED you would stop drinking?" He exploded, the alcohol clearly making him more aggressive than usual. "And like Lisa promised she would never lie to me?" He was clenching his fists and shaking his head angrily. "Fuck you. Fuck everyone!"

I tried not to take his anger personally, because I knew he needed to take it out on someone... It wasn’t really me he was angry at; it was Lisa. And possibly himself. But it still killed me to see this side to him.

I didn't even know what to say. I just wanted him to stop freaking out at me, but he was in an erratic state of mind and was not thinking rationally.

"And no, it won't be alright. Don't you fucking get it?!" He yelled angrily. "I have nothing now. NOTHING.”

His own words seemed to overwhelm him, and sadness replaced the rage inside of him again for a moment, causing him to break out into tears once more.

I sighed and climbed to my feet cautiously, walking over to him.

“You still have All Time Low, and your family and friends,” I whispered tenderly, chewing my bottom lip. “You still have me…”

Take me for granted…

All of a sudden, he raised his head to look at me through watery, bloodshot eyes. He sniffed and wiped his tears away with his sleeve, not once breaking the intense eye contact. I was not quick enough to move away as he suddenly leaned towards me and closed the distance between our lips.

The kiss didn’t feel right... It felt wrong for the first time ever. I didn’t feel comfortable kissing him because he wasn’t really himself right now. I knew he was drunk and I felt like I would be taking advantage of him in his vulnerable state if I allowed this, so it only lasted about two seconds before I pushed him away.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Lex,” I murmured quietly, stepping backwards away from him slowly.

“Why not? You just said I have you,” he frowned, holding his hands up in the air questioningly.

Maybe I wasn’t clear enough…

“I meant as a friend, Alex,” I emphasised tentatively, chewing my bottom lip out of nervous habit.

“Friend?” Alex repeated, looking at me with a shocked expression, as if I had just slapped him. “But we can be together now… This is what we wanted.”

After everything, all the bullshit, we’ve been through, and all the emotional damage I have suffered, I just don’t know anymore if that’s what I want… I need time to think about this...

“It’s not that simple,” I spoke regretfully. “I’m with Jade... Remember?”

It's too soon to rush into anything. We can’t do this yet… Not while Alex is a broken man.

“But… I love you,” Alex whispered, looking at me with pleading eyes as he tried to cast his spell on me… The one that works every time. But it’s not going to this time.

I ignored the way my heart skipped a dangerous amount of beats upon hearing the three words I feared, yet always yearned to hear him say. My eyes drifted to the floor, breaking the intense eye contact, as I shuffled on the spot uncomfortably.

“We’ll talk about this tomorrow when you’re sober and not in such a state,” I told him, because I knew one of us needed to be thinking rationally.

“Don’t you love me anymore?” he enquired, making my weak heart skip a dangerous amount of beats.

Of course I still love him… I just can’t do this right now.

I swallowed a lump in my throat and kept my eyes fixed on the floor, afraid to meet his powerful gaze. I didn’t want to answer his question... All I wanted was for him to want me as a friend, just for now. At least just until we had both cleared our heads.

“Tell me you don’t love me and I’ll stop,” Alex pleaded insistently when I failed to respond. “But don’t lie to me...”

He now had me conversationally and emotionally trapped into a corner. I didn’t want to tell him I loved him, because I didn’t want him to believe he could have me as his own. (I’m not his... I’m Jade’s. I’m scared of being his, because all he ever does is hurt me... Leave me in pieces, broken and bruised…)

But I couldn’t deny my feelings for him either, because I couldn’t bring myself to lie to him. He deserves better than that.

“I- I do love you,” I finally whispered reluctantly. “But I love Jade too.”

This situation is too complicated for Alex’s drunken mind to understand… We can’t talk about this now...

All of a sudden, Alex took a step closer to me and reached out to caress and hold my face in his hands.

“I love you too much to let you belong to someone else,” he spoke in barely more than a whisper.

My heart suddenly went crazy inside my chest, beating desperately and calling out for him. But as I looked deep into his bloodshot eyes, I heard his words echoing in my head with a distinctive slur and I was regretfully reminded of and repulsed by his drunken state. Everything feels wrong.

But by the time I had realised that it was wrong, it was happening again; his lips were colliding with mine for a second time, kissing me sloppily, as he held onto my face.

It wasn’t like any other kiss Alex and I had shared; it was more desperate, more drunken, more forceful... He forced his tongue into my mouth and I almost gagged from the bitter taste of alcohol. I was used to his usual taste, not this.

I didn’t like it.

I put my hands on his chest and pushed him away from me once again, ignoring the sinking feeling and growing void in my heart. These so-called scars will never heal.

“I’m sorry,” I breathed, as I pulled away and Alex’s hands fell from my face.

“Why won’t you kiss me?” He asked expressionlessly, looking at me with horribly vacant eyes.

It just doesn’t feel right…

“You’re not yourself right now… You’re drunk,” I shook my head in disappointment, backing away from him slowly.

“I remember you saying you liked me better when I’m drunk… Was that a lie?” he questioned, almost growling the last word.

(I knew he was going to throw that back in my face one day. I never should have said it... I never even meant it!)

He narrowed his dark eyes at me and took a heavy step towards me.

“I didn’t know what the fuck I was saying… I was drunk too…” I replied quickly, instinctively taking a step back. “I like you better when you’re sober, Lex... Of course I do.”

I don't like drunk-Alex at all. Alcohol is a poison and it changes him. I can hardly recognise him when he’s been drinking. But I never thought I’d see him drunk again… I thought he’d kicked the habit for good. It kills me to see him this way now.

“So, you either lied then or you’re lying to me now,” he muttered bitterly, ignoring my excuse that I was drunk. “Which is it?”

Why does it matter?

I hated Lisa for turning him into this suspicious person who was now obsessed with the truth… I didn’t know what to say to him anymore, because I knew he wouldn’t like any answer I gave him.

“Alex, please… Just sit down… I need to ring Rian,” I spoke desperately, reaching into my pocket and pulling out my phone.

But he didn’t do as I asked; he continued coming closer to me, backing me into the corner of the room, as far away as possible from the door.

“I just need to tell the guys to cancel the show,” I tried to explain, but he cut me off in panic.

“No, they can’t know that I’m a failure!” He cried regretfully.

“They won’t think that… You’re not a failure,” I tried to comfort him, but he didn’t want to hear it.

“Yes, I am!” He disagreed strongly, looking at me with emotional eyes. “I’m fucking wasted! And everyone knew that the minute I touched alcohol again would be the minute I lost everything… And I fucking have!”

He's lost his mind, that's for sure...

His eyes filled with tears again and I noticed him clench his fists, but I wasn’t sure what he was fighting… It could be the tears, the pain, or an urge towards me… I swallowed nervously, cowering from him slightly in preparation for him to hit me, or worse... kiss me.

“My marriage has failed. And my life is a fucking embarrassment!” He choked out in distress.

I looked at him with sympathetic eyes and I wanted to say something. I wanted to help, but I didn’t know how to. I wanted to understand his pain, but I couldn’t imagine what it felt like to have someone suddenly turn around and tell you everything you believed in was just a lie.

I knew that he was past the point where I could calm him down with empty words and a pat on the back, but I needed to try and make him see sense somehow.

“You haven’t lost everything; you’ve lost Lisa. She was not 'everything'… She wasn’t worth this pain… She wasn’t worth anything,” I told him strongly, even though making him understand seemed to be an impossible task for the state he was in. “But you can’t get up on a stage like this in front of thousands of fans and sing, Alex… I need to tell the guys…“ I continued urgently.

He was silent for a moment while he absorbed what I was saying. But then, I started to dial Rian’s number on my phone and this triggered him to snap out of his idle state. Without warning, he abruptly snatched my phone right out of my hand.

*Trigger Warning, Violence*
“I said no,” he growled, throwing my phone behind him, across the room and out of my reach.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I cried in frustration, trying to get past him and go and get my phone, but he wouldn’t let me.

He grabbed me by both my arms and shoved me backwards against the wall, making me bang my head. Push my body up against the wall and pick your poison…

“I dare you to tell me you don’t want me,” he whispered in a threatening voice, putting his hands on the wall either side of me, trapping me.

My head felt dizzy and I was slightly disorientated, but his words and hands either side of me made me panic. It was the first time he had ever made my heart beat fast with fear, rather than excitement and love. I was actually scared of him… I hated this aggressive side of him that I had never seen…

“W-why?” I stammered, suddenly feeling too physically weak to push him away.

I held a hand to my head, which was throbbing in pain and emotionally all over the place.

“Because if you don’t want me anymore, I don’t want to live,” he replied flatly, staring at me with eyes that already looked dead, chilling me to my very core. “I need you, Jack.”

Now I was definitely trapped. If I said I didn’t want him, he’d fall further than I could catch him and probably try to kill himself... But what would he do to me if I said I do want him? I dreaded to think...

He’s out of fucking control.

“I don’t want to lose you!” I cried fearfully, saying the only thing that I was certain of. “Please don’t do anything stupid…” Make me a promise that you'll never keep…

These words triggered something inside Alex; he must have taken it to mean that I want him, because he suddenly leaned towards me again. I thought he was going to kiss me, and there was no way I could stop it, so I just closed my eyes.

But he just pressed his lips to my ear instead and breathed; “We belong together.”

Why is he only realising this NOW?

If he had said all of this to me before, any other time except now (when he’s drunk and on the rebound from Lisa), then I would probably fall madly and deeply under his spell and we might even live happily ever after… But I don’t believe in that fairytale bullshit. I don’t believe in happy endings.

He is right though; we are destined to be together. He‘s already wrapped his hands around my heart and taken it; I know it belongs to him. But I don’t want to be with him if he’s going to go back to his old ways and drink like this again… Things never turn out good when Alex has been drinking…

All of a sudden, he pulled back to look at me with eyes swimming with desire. Obsession. And I identified the look immediately with a stab of panic; it was his addiction taking over his mind. I broke the unnerving eye contact to glance sideways quickly to see if I could slide out of this trap that he had me in, but he had me well and truly cornered, up against the wall; there was no way out.

I knew it was coming when he leaned in to kiss me again, but I didn’t know how to escape it. I tried to push him away but this only made him more forceful; he pushed me harder against the wall again. It hurt, and I knew I would have bruises on my back tomorrow, but Alex didn’t seem to care… It was as if he was a different person entirely.

He smashed his lips to mine desperately, forcing my lips apart again, ignoring my obvious reluctance to the kiss and attempt to break free. To feel your arms around my neck, I'm suffocating with regret. I had to try really hard not to gag on the horribly unfamiliar taste of the kiss again. I wasn’t used to being controlled like this. I felt so powerless, so abused… It was like he was sucking the life out of me.

Somehow, I managed to tear my lips away from his and turn my head to the side sharply, breathing heavily.

“Get away from me,” I ordered in the strongest voice I could muster, despite how weak I felt.

To my frustration, he only smirked.

“What’s wrong, Sugar?” He purred in a sickeningly sweet voice that didn’t even sound like him.

“I don’t even recognise you right now… Who ARE you?” I cried in exasperation.

“I’m yours,” he breathed, cracking me a lop-sided grin. How can he be mine when he’s not even himself right now? “And do you know what you are?”

“I’m not yours!” I exclaimed desperately, putting my hands on his chest and pushing him just hard enough to make him stagger backwards, but remain on his feet.

I seized my chance to escape and started to run away. My plan was to grab my phone and lock myself in the bathroom to ring the guys, but I didn't succeed... He grabbed hold of my arm as I ran past him and pulled me back roughly. I looked at him with eyes wide in panic and literally saw something snap inside of him; his eyes darkened and his facial expression hardened.

The unfamiliar words that came out of his mouth next sounded nothing like him.

“Yes, you are!” He disagreed strongly. “You’re my drug and I will use you whenever the fuck I want!”

Make me feel used…

And with that, he suddenly grabbed hold of my other arm too and dragged me across the room.

“Alex… W-what are you doing? Please let go…” I fretted pleadingly, but he didn’t loosen his grip on me.

There was a crazed look in his eye as he suddenly shoved me hard, making me fall backwards onto the bed behind me.

“Lex... Don't do this,” I cried fearfully, looking at him with wide, anxious eyes as he towered over me.

“Just one more hit…” He spoke the four familiar words that I had heard before back when he confessed his addiction to me. He still didn’t even sound like him, and I suddenly knew that he had been taken over by the addicted beast inside of him.

He crawled on top of me and started ravishing me with kisses along my neck. As much as I wanted to push him away, I couldn’t even stop my body responding to his kiss as he attacked the sensitive spot on my neck; my head fell back to regretfully give him easier access. My weak body was betraying my even weaker heart.

“Don’t do this…” I repeated in a weaker voice, adamantly trying to fight the sensation he was creating within me.

“You know you love it,” he smirked, tracing a line along my jaw with his lips, before attaching them to my lips again.

I was completely torn in two with my thoughts and emotions; a small, confused part of me did love it, because it was fooled by the touch of his lips on my skin that the man was Alex. But the other part of me knew that this was not really my best friend or the man I loved… It was a broken shell of a man who had lost control of his inner demons. And for that reason, I didn't like what he was doing to me at all.

I didn’t give up trying to fight him off, as his rough hands trailed between our bodies, going lower… But he was too strong for me. This strength wasn’t natural. It was overpowering him. I couldn’t stop him going too far, and I don't think he could even stop himself.

He suddenly climbed off of me and stood over me menacingly. I took my chance and tried to escape again… But I failed miserably. He grabbed my arm again as I jumped up and shoved me back onto the bed, turning me round so I was lying on my front. Then, suddenly, I heard the dreaded sound of his pants unzipping, followed by the touch of his hands on my own pants, dragging them down, despite my protests.

“Alex! No! Please… Don’t,” I tried begging again, feeling the tears burning my eyes. I’m falling to pieces…

"Alex..."

I couldn't stop saying his name, desperately trying to get a response from the Alex I knew. Trying to make him remember himself, because I had no idea who he was right now, and I don't think he did either.

But my pleas seemed to fall on deaf ears, and he was blind to my tears, because he held me firmly in the same position, trapping me underneath him with my face buried in the sheets while he had his wicked way with me.

In the end, I gave up struggling and whimpering; I just lay there quiet, silently praying for it to stop. For everything to stop. Including my heart. I wanted to stop breathing now, because I could feel this killing me slowly.

Before you let me fall, kill me so I don’t feel it at all…

I felt like I was being torn apart physically and emotionally, but the tears eventually dried up. Somehow, I managed to bury my emotions deep inside of me and escape from everything; I shut down my heart and shut out Alex, until I was officially too numb to feel anything.

Notes

Well, that's the worst thing I've ever written... so far... possibly

Song: Boys Like Girls