Jack POV

I was fast asleep, when all of a sudden Rian’s booming voice attacked my sensitive eardrums.

“Oh, for the love of God, am I going to have to get in that fucking bed between you?” He demanded at an inconsiderately loud volume.

I jerked awake abruptly, not really processing what he had said because I was trying not to have a Goddamn heart attack from the sudden, rude awakening.

My eyes snapped open and I was blinded by the light shining bright through the window. Squinting my eyes to block out as much light as possible, I looked from Rian staring down at me from the end of the bed with his hands on his hips, to what was right in front of me; Alex’s face, only dangerous inches away from mine.

I jumped in surprise and tried to recoil away from Alex, as he was too fucking close for my comfort zone. But I realised immediately I couldn’t actually move very far, because his arms were wrapped around me, holding me close like I was his most prized possession… And even more worryingly, my arms were securely wrapped around him too.

“What the fuck?” I murmured in confusion, blinking a few times to make sure I was actually awake and not dreaming.

What the shit is going on? We did NOT fall asleep like this! At least I think we didn’t…

I let out a regretful groan as the memory of what Alex and I had done in the night suddenly filtered to the front of my mind. I wanted to believe it was just a dream… But I knew it wasn’t. Things got way too heated between us last night and it never should have happened. It was so wrong… So messed up…

‘Shut the fuck up, you loved last night,’ a voice in my head suddenly interjected my groaning.

Well okay... The voice has a point.

When Alex was touching me I was feeling slightly disorientated, because I had only just woken up and my heart was beating itself into a frenzy… But of course I loved it. It made me feel alive for the first time in weeks; it’s like his touch unfreezes my heart and I am no longer numb. But then he takes it away and leaves me empty inside once again.

Unfortunately, when it was happening, I was blind to the fact that we were doing possibly the worst thing we could do now. At the time it didn’t seem that wrong, but now I can see very clearly that it was crossing the line. I just don’t see any good in this.

In fact, the guilt I feel from cheating on Jade overrides any other emotion or thought that I have of last night’s encounters. I’m just angry with myself for betZacking my girlfriend and falling into Alex’s open arms once again. I fall for him over and over again… Falling in his fucking trap.

So, after things got too fucking heated last night, Alex and I had a brief but deep conversation in which he said the words: “We’ll never be just friends, but we can pretend.” I can’t quite believe he said that… Why must he make this harder than it already is? I can’t keep pretending if he’s going to keep reminding me of our feelings for eachother. He really needs to shut up about it, because I just don’t wanna hear it.

The conversation died after he said that, along with a piece of my heart. Alex seemed to fall asleep pretty quickly after that, but I remained wide awake until the early hours of the morning, too distracted to fall asleep. But when I finally did manage to drift off to sleep, it was definitely on my own side of the bed… In fact, I'm pretty sure me and Alex actually had our backs to eachother.

So how did we end up in this position? How could we fall asleep on opposite sides of the bed and then wake up together in an embrace like this?

We must have done it instinctively in our sleep…

Well, that is just fucking great. Even when I’m asleep I subconsciously manage to end up in his arms. If I can’t stay away from Alex when I’m asleep, how am I supposed to do it when I’m awake?

There is no hope for me… No hope for us.

I stared at Alex in bewilderment as he suddenly started to stir in his sleep, yawning and eventually opening his eyes. The first thing he saw upon waking up was my face inches from his, staring at him with questioning eyes and an expression of perplexity. He blinked a few times, breaking the intense eye contact, in the same way that I did as if he was making sure he wasn’t dreaming too.

We continued to stare at eachother for a moment, without making any attempt to move, just trying to work out how the fuck we ended up in this position. The puzzled look on Alex’s face told me he was just as confused as me.

“I knew this was a bad idea. You two obviously can’t stay away from eachother!” Rian suddenly groaned, interrupting the small trance I had fallen into as I stared into Alex’s eyes.

If he thinks this is bad, he would be banging his head against a wall right now if he knew what Alex and I did while he was fast asleep last night.

Rian’s voice brought me back to reality and I snapped out of the fantasy mode that I was in, where lying in Alex’s arms was not wrong; it was right, because I was his and he was mine. It was where we belonged… Together.

I finally managed to avert my eyes from Alex’s bottomless gaze that I could easily get lost in, and we slowly broke apart, untangling our arms from around eachother and moving back to our own sides of the bed.

“Jesus, Rian, calm down,” I croaked in a tired voice, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

...Is it like 4 in the fucking morning or what?

I glanced at the clock on the bedside table and discovered it was in fact 11am despite how early it felt. (Then again, 11am is pretty early for me; I never usually see this hour of the day.)

“What are you guys doing though? Seriously, you can’t go down this road again,” Rian spoke gravely.

“We’re not… We're just... Oh, go away, Rian,” I grumbled, pulling the covers over my head and disappearing from sight.

Alex made no attempt to defend either of us and I heard Rian sigh loudly in frustration, but his footsteps thankfully faded away as he stomped into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him.

I didn’t emerge from under the covers. I wasn’t quite sure what I was hiding from… Maybe it was from the fact that Rian is right and Alex and I should not be in this bed together or ‘going down this road again’, which we clearly did last night.

“Tomorrow night I think I’ll sleep on the floor,” Alex murmured, more like he was talking to himself than me.

I didn’t reply, but I silently agreed in my head that it was for the best. The two of us sharing a bed was clearly not a good idea… I think we managed to destroy all the progress we made so far of getting over eachother in the space of one night. We’re running in fucking circles.

Everything was silent in the room for a moment. Then, Alex suddenly climbed out of bed with a heavy sigh and I could hear him shuffling around the room, probably getting dressed. I was almost drifting back off to sleep, when suddenly, Rian came bursting back into the bedroom and did that annoying thing he does where he opens his mouth and sound comes out...

“Jack, get up, you lazy fucker!” he commanded, making me groan out loud again. “We’re going to get Tea!”

Fuck that, I can’t be bothered to move.

“Go without me,” I mumbled, curling up in a ball under the quilt, hoping they would just go off peacefully and leave me to do as I please... But of course, Rian had no intention of doing that.

He decided instead to drag the duvet off of me before I had a chance to grab onto it for dear life, leaving me lying curled up on an empty, quilt-less mattress. A sudden cold draft hit me as I lay there in nothing but a pair of boxers. (I really should get some pajamas one day.)

“Do you fucking mind?” I grumbled, wrapping my arms round my legs and holding my legs up to my chin in a kind of foetal position.

“No I fucking don’t,” Rian retorted immediately. “Get dressed. We’re going to look around London.”

He suddenly threw a t-shirt at me and it landed on my head. I didn’t even bother looking at it before putting it on.

I was cursing Rian under my breath, when, suddenly, I was interrupted by a knock at our hotel door.

“Are you guys awake?” A familiar voice on the other side of the door called. “It’s us.”

“Us” doesn’t really narrow it down, Zack…

Rian headed over to open the door and Alex suddenly chucked a pair of jeans at me, before following Rain out of sight and over to the door.

I exhaled noisily as I pulled my skinny jeans on and managed to drag my lazy body off the comfy mattress and onto my feet, and then proceeded to traipse after the guys reluctantly.

***

Alex POV

“FUCK YES MOTHERFUCKER! They have a Starbucks!” Rian exclaimed excitedly, making Jack jump slightly as he walked by my side.

He glanced sideways at Rian with raised eyebrows.

“Rian, we’re in London... Of course they have a Starbucks. In fact, we’ve walked past about seven on this road alone,” he frowned at me.

Shocked by this revelation, Rian stopped in his tracks and swiveled around on the spot, scanning his surroundings.

”Fuck me, he's right!” Rian said

“Well, he didn’t see those ones… C’mon, I need a coffee,” I shrugged impatiently, grabbing his arm and pulling him towards the nearest Starbucks like an excited child.

He didn’t really have much choice but to come with me unless he wanted to roam the streets of London by himself, seeing as we had already lost Zack and Robbie an hour ago in HMV. (Considering it’s a music shop, there was never much hope of us all finding our way out at the same time.)
“Hey, Alex. I’m going to go over to Zack and Robbie, ill get coffee later” Rian said leaving Jack and I alone…

We ordered our coffee and sat down at a small table in the corner with two seats rather quickly, trying to blend into the crowd as much as we could. Thankfully no one seemed to recognise us and we could be alone, just the two of us.

My eyes were fixed on his face as we drank our coffees, but he seemed to be doing everything he could to avoid my gaze. He went from staring at the table, to looking around the coffee shop, and then looking out of the window we were sat next to. I know one of his favourite things to do is people-watch, but he was looking everywhere except at me, making it painfully obvious that something was bothering him. And it was most likely me...

“What’s on your mind?” I asked him curiously, even though I had a good idea of what he was thinking about… The same thing that I’m trying to erase from my memory, because it never should have happened.

“Jade,” he replied shortly, holding the coffee cup in front of his mouth and taking a sip every so often.

Huh. Okay. Maybe not.

I nodded slowly and didn’t say anything for a little while, because I was bracing myself to ask the next question.

“Do you, uh... wanna talk about last night?” I enquired hesitantly.

I’m not sure I even want to talk about it myself, but if he does, then I will…

“No,” he retorted flatly.

Good.

“Okay. I just want to say one thing though... I’m sorry,” I apologised sincerely, taking the blame for what we did. (I was the initiator, after all.)

“You don’t have to apologise," he sighed, finally lowering his cup to the table. "It wasn’t like you forced me to do anything... We both played a part in what happened last night.” His tone was resentful and I could see the regret all over his face. “I feel like such an asshole right now for cheating on Jade.”

The guilt was clearly affecting him. It worried me that I wasn't even feeling too guilty about cheating on Lisa...

“We need to get a fucking grip of ourselves.”

Seriously, I need to find a way of fighting the urges, and Jack needs to find a way of saying no to me, because it doesn’t help my self-control when I know that he wants me as much as I want him.

“Yes, we do,” Jack agreed quietly.

The silence slowly consumed us once again as we sat there, continuing to drink our coffees as naturally as we possibly could. I wanted to break the silence, because I was starting to feel uncomfortable and the last thing I wanted was things to be awkward between us once again… But I didn’t know what to say. My mind was unhelpfully blank and it seemed like conversation was an impossible task right now.

Thankfully, all of a sudden, Jack interrupted the uneasy silence, taking me by surprise, but also making me breathe a sigh of relief that one of us had found something to say.

“So… What’s new with you then?” He asked, sounding bored.

Seriously? The conversation has resolved to shitty small talk? Jesus Christ...

What’s new with me? Pretty much nothing. I’m still married. I’m still a father-to-be. I’m still in love with Jack. And I’m still living a lie.

My life is just magical.

“Honestly? Uh, not a lot,” I shrugged, struggling to think of an answer that would keep the conversation going. Then it suddenly struck me that there is something new happening in my life. “Oh, actually, um... Me and Lisa are moving to LA."

How could I forget about that? Oh yeah, because I wanted to.

It was the first time I was mentioning it to anyone, because Lisa and I only came to the decision to move from Baltimore a few days ago.

Jack’s eyebrows shot upwards and disappeared behind his long fringe.

“Wow... I didn’t know LA was your thing,” he replied slowly, narrowing his eyes at me in a suspicious way.

He’s right; it’s not my thing at all... He knows me too well.

“Well, Lisa wants to move there to be close to her family when the baby comes. You know, so when I’m on tour she won’t be alone,” I explained, trying so hard not to let my bitterness come across.

But somehow, Jack seemed to detect it.

“You should never do anything you don’t want to just because you feel like you have to, Lex,” he advised me, his eyes suddenly full of concern.

“It’s a little late for me to live by that rule, Jack… My whole marriage is a result of me doing exactly that,” I scoffed, dropping my gaze to my cup of coffee on the table.

We were getting into quite a loaded subject… I knew Jack wouldn’t want to talk about me marrying Lisa, but the words were already out in the open by the time I realised just what I was getting into and there was no going back now. I can't bring myself to lie to you.

“You didn’t have to marry her,” Jack murmured resentfully.

He doesn’t understand what it’s like to be trapped on this rollercoaster of a life that is heading straight to a place I don’t want to end up, but I have no way of stopping it… I can’t go back and start over again; I just have to accept my fate and embrace it.

“Jack, she’s pregnant with my baby... What choice did I really have?” I demanded roughly, getting defensive.

“You had the choice of me or her,” he answered bluntly, making my heart freeze.

And I can't ever shake that haunting feeling that I made the wrong choice...

“I wish you could see things from my point of view, but you can’t… So, let’s not go into this," I exhaled in mild frustration.

“Fine,” Jack agreed flatly, sounding extremely uninterested.

And then the conversation was dead.

Oh, excellent. More awkward silence.

Jack POV

You’d think hearing that Alex regrets marrying Lisa would make me happy… But it doesn’t. In fact, it makes me feel empty and rejected, because I fucking tried to stop him doing something I knew he would regret, and he didn’t listen. I could not make him see sense. Even now he thinks he HAD to marry Lisa… He fucking didn’t!

Thanks to him and his stupid mistake, me and him were over before we even started. We were over the second he said “I do”.

So, did we lose it all for nothing?

I bit my tongue to stop myself voicing my thoughts and heartache, because I knew nothing good would come from it. It’s for the best if Alex and I don’t discuss our feelings anymore.

There was suddenly an awkward silence between us again and I was not going to be the one to make an effort and break it this time, so I just stared at the floor and embraced the silence. But after a few extensive seconds, Alex finally decided to speak up.

“Well, what’s new with you then?” He returned my original question in an attempt to revive the conversation.

What’s new? If I’m being honest with myself, nothing has really changed. I’m still hung up on Alex. I still think about him all the fucking time. I still miss him. I still love him… But there is one major difference in my life now: Jade. I've been filling up the empty space between you and I.

I decided to tell Alex something that had been playing on my mind for a while. I may as well throw this one out there… Since we’re being honest, I feel I should tell you…

“I’m actually thinking of asking Jade to marry me,” I revealed cautiously after a long delay. “Later this month on her Birthday.”

I know it must seem kind of sudden, because me and Jade have only just got back together, but we have literally just picked up where we left off a year ago. The only problem for me back then was that I was coming to terms with the fact that I was in love with Alex too… She could never compare to you.

My feelings for Alex have always been stronger and I just never knew how to deal with it. But things have changed now… I figured out how to deal with my feelings. I found a way of burying them deep inside my heart and locking them away. I keep my heart on permanent lockdown, guarded by an icy barricade for protection. Now I am no longer vulnerable or at Alex’s mercy; I am stronger, because I am numb inside.

The only problem now is the barricade is a lot weaker since last night…

“You… what?” Alex suddenly choked out, snapping his head up to look at me with wide eyes and an expression of disbelief.

I’m pretty sure he heard what I said, so I’m not going to repeat myself.

“It just feels like the right time,” I stated confidently, even though the insecurities in my heart and mind were threatening to take over at any second.

There's no point in waiting around for something that is never going to happen… Alex and I were a lost cause from the start. I need to move on once and for all now. It’s all for the best.

There was a moment of uncomfortable, stunned silence before Alex finally responded in a voice that sounded strangled.

“Uh, don’t you think it’s kinda fast?” he actually had the nerve to say to me.

I hardly think he’s one to talk after marrying Lisa after a month of dating her… At least Jade and I have a fucking relationship history.

“Seriously? You’re lecturing me on rushing into marriage?” I responded incredulously, cocking an eyebrow at him.

It pisses me off how much of a fucking hypocrite he is.

“Okay, you have every right to tell me to fuck off… But I’m just trying to warn you that you should take your time before marrying someone,” he told me gravely. “Trust me; it’s not something you should rush into.”

"Thanks for the familiar advice. I remember saying something along those lines when you were minutes away from marrying Lisa… I tried to stop you, but you didn’t wanna hear it,” I reminded him sharply, narrowing my intense eyes. “So, excuse me if I don’t really want to listen to you right now.”

“Jack, I swear to God, I wish I’d listened… I should have-"

“Well, it’s a bit too late for regrets now, isn’t it?” I interrupted him.

I have no patience for this conversation anymore, because the barrier around my heart is starting to fall, leaving my fragile heart vulnerable and unguarded as it crashes down inside me.

“And I am going to tell you to fuck off, Alex, because you don’t actually get a say in the choices I make… It’s my fucking life!” I continued boldly, looking him straight in the eye with defiance.

He looked at me with a lost look in his eye for a moment without a word. But all of a sudden, his expression transformed and his exterior hardened.

“I don’t understand you. Why do you insist on making all the fucking same mistakes as me in your life? Is it all to hurt me?” He demanded, suddenly angry.

His anger only fuelled the burning fire of destruction within me.

“No, believe it or not, my life doesn't revolve around you anymore! And marrying Jade wouldn’t be a mistake, it would most likely be the most sensible decision I ever make,” I snapped irritably. “The only mistake I’ve made in my life is falling for you!”

And with that, I abruptly pushed back my chair, creating a sharp scraping sound on the floor, and climbed to my feet. I'd had enough of this argument.

“No, wait, Jack … Don’t walk away,” Alex pleaded hurriedly, pushing his own chair back and jumping to his feet.

“Look, I can’t be bothered to argue with you… I just need to be alone right now,” I retorted, sighing in defeat. I couldn’t deal with the heartache anymore. “I’ll see you later.”

I turned on my heel and headed for the door. I almost expected Alex to come running after me, but he didn’t. I seized my chance to escape and didn’t falter in my tracks.

Alex POV

Fuck. I’m such an idiot. When will I learn that some things are better left unsaid? I really shouldn’t have said any of that about marriage to Jack… It’s not my place. The question wasn't meant to hurt, it was just my fear of losing you... All my thoughts and feelings just keep colliding with eachother inside of me and I can’t seem to control my reaction.

Jack was right when he said that it’s his life… So, who am I to say what he should do with it? I do want him to be happy; I just don’t know how to be happy that he’s moving on from me, when I’m still stuck completely in love with him. It was wrong of me to think I could keep you.

I wanted to go after Jack and apologise for what I said. Would you believe me if I said I was sorry? But my phone started ringing as soon as he reached the door and by the time that I'd pulled out my phone from my pocket to check the caller ID and then looked up again, Jack was gone.

It was Lisa ringing me. She certainly picks her moments to call… They’re usually when Jack and I are either making out or arguing, and in either situation I am never in the mood to talk to her. However, I took a deep breath and lifted my new phone (since I smashed my other one) to my ear, accepting the call in case it was something important.

“Hey,” I answered the phone in a strained voice. “What’s up?”

I waited uncertainly for a reply but there wasn’t one. I suddenly realised that the noise and chatter surrounding me in Starbucks was rather loud, but the unnerving silence on the other end of the line was deafening.

“Lisa?” I continued slowly, frowning to myself and starting to get worried and wonder if she was okay.

“No,” came an unexpected, blunt reply from a voice I didn’t recognise… A man’s voice.

“Uh, who is this?” I demanded immediately, screwing up my face in confusion.

And why are you calling me on my wife’s phone…?

“My name's Matt,” the dude replied flatly, as if the answer was obvious.

Who the fuck IS this guy?

Notes

Now, the next chapter is a huge fucking ball drop...... god you are all going to either love or hate me, i think you'll hate me... who knows DONT FORGET TO VOTE RATE AND SUBSCRIBE!!!!
Song credit: Every Avenue