-TWO WEEKS LATER-



POV: Alex

‘I just wanted you to know, Alex, that I hate you.’

Okay, that hurt. It's ridiculous how much I've cried over that one line. Especially as Jack goes on to say he doesn't hate me... He hates himself. But that hurts too.

Fuck, why is everything so painful when it comes to us?

I traced my fingertips over the words that Jack had written in the back of my Song book for what seemed like the millionth time, reading it once again.

Well, I just wanted you to know, Jack, that I hate myself. And this letter defines just about everything about myself that I despise; everything I have done to you; all the shit I have put you through and all the pain I have caused. It’s killing me.

I’m not exactly sure why I insist on re-reading Jack’s letter so often, because it’s like a bullet going through my heart every single time. I’m so fucking ridden with shame and the overwhelming desire to put things right between us. It’s not too late to work it through with you, just me and you. I hate myself for not knowing how to.

The line ‘I can put back all the pieces they just might not fit the same’ circles in my mind torturously. I desperately want things between Jack and I to go back to the way they were before we ruined everything… Before we fell in love… But he's right, it will never be the same.

I can't forsee a time when I will ever stop loving him, or having uncontrollable urges towards him. I need to change the way my mind works somehow, but I’ve been trying and failing to do that for what seems like forever.

It seems like a lifetime since I've even seen or spoken to Jack. It’s been two weeks since I heard your voice but it echoes in my mind. Neither of us have tried to get in touch with eachother and that’s something completely alien to our friendship; we’ve never gone so long without speaking in all the years that we’ve been friends.

I’ve debated furiously with myself so many times over the past few days, since discovering the letter, whether to pick up the phone and call him. I’ve been completely torn in two, trying to listen to both my heart and my head, which unhelpfully demand different things.

My weak heart tells me to ring him, craving to hear his sweet voice; but my head is stronger, and it’s adamant that I need to give Jack and myself space, so we can actually get over eachother.

So which one do I listen to?

I sighed unevenly and stared at the page for so long the words began to merge into one big blur. My eyes were burning and I daren’t blink for fear of succumbing to the emotion and pain I felt with every beat of my fragile heart.

But then, suddenly, Lisa entered the bedroom and temporarily broke me out of my trail of distressing thoughts.

“Hey honey,” she greeted me nonchalantly, walking across the room to put a dress down on a chair in the corner of the room, for some reason.

“Hey,” I croaked, snapping my art book shut and sliding it under my pillow behind my head quickly.

My voice sounded different… Unlike me. Lisa seemed to notice this; she turned to look at me with a concerned expression.

“You okay?” She asked.

“Yeah, fine,” I mumbled feebly.

I couldn’t look her in the eye; I stared at my hands instead, trying to hide how emotional I really was.

“Are you sure?” She persisted suspiciously.

I hesitated, heaving a sigh, and she was quick to notice my delayed response.

“Babe, we don’t have to go tonight… If you’re not feeling very well or something…” She offered uncertainly.

She may not know exactly why I’m upset, but she’s onto something if she thinks I don’t want to go out tonight. I am really anxious about seeing Jack again... It will be so hard to be so near him, yet so far at the same time. Maybe it’s me, or can you feel this? But there’s no way I can miss Rian’s birthday meal.

“Lis, Rian will kill me if we don’t go,” I pointed out. “But really, it’s fine. We’ll go and have a good night out.”

For a pessimist, I’m pretty optimistic.

I knew I needed to face Jack some day. I obviously couldn’t avoid him forever when we’re in the same fucking band.

“Okay,” Lisa sighed, giving in. “Are you going to start getting ready soon then?”

I groaned lazily. I couldn’t be bothered to get off my ass and try to make an effort to look good. Who exactly am I supposed to be looking good for anyway? Jack won’t be looking…

“Can’t I just go with greasy hair and dirty clothes?” I joked half-heartedly.

“Alex, honey, we’re going to a very posh restaurant… You don’t want to look like a homeless person,” Lisa frowned, not sensing my tone.

To be fair though, I can pull off the tramp look pretty well.

“Okay, okay... I’ll go and have a shower,” I sighed in defeat.

...Even though I still can’t be bothered.

Lisa smiled, suddenly coming over to stand beside me.

“I’ll join you, shall I?” She suggested, holding out her hand to me.

And suddenly, as if by a miracle, I am in the mood for a shower.

***

POV: Jack



I tapped my fingers against my thigh nervously as we stood waiting outside the restaurant for the others to arrive. I was so worried about seeing him again that I was almost certain that if I was by myself right now I would have run a fucking mile.

I guess it was a good thing that I wasn’t alone then. I was with my girlfriend, and her arm linked through mine was the only thing that was keeping me rooted to the spot.

All of a sudden, a car pulled up against the sidewalk. Gradually, the engine died, feet came into contact with the ground, and car doors slammed shut.

Out of the car came Rian and Cassadee, approaching us with wide smiles. I couldn’t even remember the last time I saw Cassadee and I hadn’t seen Rian for two weeks, like the other guys. We greeted them with open arms and mirrored their wide smiles.

“Happy Birthday, man!” I exclaimed, hugging Rian enthusiastically. “Don’t worry, you don’t look a day over 17.”

“Oh, Jack, you charmer,” Rian replied with a chuckle, pulling back from the hug.

“I was being serious,” I stated flatly, looking at Rian with raised eyebrows.

It’s true; Rian could pull off a 17 year-old. I don’t know what his secret is… Maybe he uses anti-aging cream. Or he has had plastic surgery? Maybe its just his incredibly white teeth.

He rolled his eyes at me, then grinned, before turning to smile at the girl beside me instead.

“It’s good to see you again, Jade!” And suddenly, my girlfriend disappeared in Rian's big bear hug.

“You too, Rian!” she replied in the embrace.

I turned my attention to Cassadee as Rian and Jade started with the small talk.

“How're you doing, Cassadee?” I asked, stepping forward to hug Rian’s Girlfriend. “I haven’t seen you in ages.”

“Shit, I know! I’m awesome thanks,” she nodded enthusiastically. “How about you?”

“Yeah, I’m really good,” I responded automatically, as we broke apart from the hug.

I actually startled myself with the sudden confidence in my voice and I almost even convinced myself what I was saying was the truth.

But then, suddenly, over Cassadee’s shoulder, my eyes rested on two people walking towards us holding hands, and it was like someone had pulled a plug inside of me, causing my confidence to rapidly drain from my system; I didn’t feel too good anymore… I couldn’t even fool myself of that.

My eyes stayed fixated on the nearing couple and everyone else around me seemed to momentarily fade out completely. I couldn’t hear the excited conversation and greetings. I couldn’t even hear any voices or thoughts in my own head. I was completely entranced in the moment I had been dreading for the past two weeks.

I didn’t pay too much attention to her; I was too distracted by the person glued to her side. I stared as his eyes swept over everyone else, like they were searching for something. But then suddenly, they stopped, just like my heart, as they seemed to find what they were looking for... Me.

The contact as soon as our eyes locked with eachother was so powerful that it made me go weak in the knees. I swallowed nervously and he chewed his bottom lip habitually, but neither of us made any attempt to smile and greet eachother.

“Oh, Alex! Lisa!” Rian waved excitedly, finally noticing their arrival, and causing Alex’s eyes to drift away and focus on him instead, breaking the unnerving contact.

I tried to fade away into the background, stepping back instinctively, as Rian and Cassadee welcomed Alex and Lisa warmly with open arms. But Jade suddenly threaded her hand in mine and held onto me, like she was worried I was trying to get away (which, in fairness, I was).

“Are you alright?” She asked me, looking at me in concern.

No, I’m kind of falling apart.

I mentally tried to snap myself out of the unstable mindset I was in and get a grip.

“Oh, yeah… fine,” I lied quickly, forcing myself to take a few steps towards everyone else, holding Jade’s hand tightly.

My eyes kept anxiously darting from Alex’s face to Lisa’s face to the floor. Rian and Cassadee stepped back to make room for me and Jade to gather round and greet Alex and Lisa. I wanted more than anything in that moment to be anywhere but in that situation… Anywhere but near Alex.

Lisa was the first to say anything and break the brief silence.

“Hello, Jack,” she nodded half-heartedly at me.

As much as I hated her, I wasn’t about to blank her. If she was going to make an effort, I would too.

“Hey,” I nodded back, forcing a smile.

It wasn’t my intention to blank Alex, but I just couldn’t bring myself to look at him yet. I could only just look at Lisa.

“Who’s your friend?” She asked conversationally, smiling at Jade.

“Oh, yeah, uh… This is my girlfriend, Jade,” I explained candidly, and then I turned to face Jade and gesture towards Lisa. “This is Lisa… Alex’s wife.” I had to literally force the last two words out of my mouth, and they came out sounding extremely bitter.

My eyes tentatively flickered in Alex’s direction out of curiosity to see his reaction to my news. Our eyes connected at once but he didn’t hesitate to avert his gaze to the floor. However, before he did so, I managed to catch a glimpse of something flash behind his eyes... Was it disappointment? Envy? Regret? I couldn't quite identify the emotion he was trying to conceal.

“Oh, it’s so nice to meet you!” Lisa exclaimed, smiling warmly at Jade.

Well, of course she's fucking happy I'm no longer after her man...

“Likewise,” Jade nodded.

I barely heard what they were saying because I continued to stare at Alex and fall into a slight trance, watching his every awkward move. All of a sudden, he closed his eyes, breaking his contact with his feet as he let out a small sigh.

When he reopened his eyes, he was looking up again, but this time his attention was on Jade, rather than me.

“It’s, uh... good to see you again, Jade,” he spoke in a voice that sounded so false I almost wanted to punch him. Don’t lie, ‘cause I know that’s what you do.

But then, to be fair, I would want to punch him if he wasn’t even trying to be nice to her, so he can’t really win either way with me right now.

“You too… It’s been quite a while,” Jade replied with a smile.

“It certainly has,” Alex muttered shortly, before hesitantly turning to look at me, eyes darting back and forth every so often. “I didn’t know you two were back together.”

My heart stuttered in my chest when he looked straight in my eyes and finally spoke to me. I forced a shrug and awkwardly refocused my gaze to the floor.

“I set them up again,” Rian informed Alex bravely.

Alex immediately snapped his head in Rian’s direction and glared at him. Rian seemed oblivious to his brother’s death glare. In fact, I seemed to be the only one that noticed Alex’s dismayed expression. No one was really watching him with curious eyes, like I was.

Not to sound like a total jackass, but I got off on the fact that he was clearly unimpressed by this whole situation… I wanted this to hurt him.

“You can call me Rian the Matchmaker, if you really want to,” Rian offered, just randomly, now addressing everyone.

Lisa and Jade giggled, and Cassadee just frowned at Rian . I frowned too.

“More like Rian the Matchstick,” a familiar voice suddenly piped up from the other side of the circle.

Ah, looks like Robbie has arrived…

All the girls laughed at Rian’s expense. I even cracked a smile and craned my neck forward to look round Rian and see Robbie. He was with his girlfriend, Kat. Zack, who also seemed to appear from nowhere, was standing next to them with his arm round his girlfriend, Katie.

Well, the gang’s all here.

I couldn’t help but notice Alex didn’t join in with the laughter. I hesitantly looked in his direction to find him staring straight back at me with a vacant look in his eye. I wasn’t even sure if he had heard Robbie insult Rian; he seemed completely unaware of his surroundings. I tried to avoid his piercing eyes, but they were rapidly making me very uncomfortable.

“Oh, you can all fuck off! You’re not allowed to make fun of me on my birthday!” Rian whined, making everyone else laugh harder.

When the laughter died down, Zack suddenly spoke up.

“Hello, Jade! I wasn’t expecting to see you!” He smiled at the girl holding my hand, then looked at me questioningly. “When did you two get back together?”

“Last week,” I informed him and everyone else.

Suddenly, I felt the confidence begin to drip back into my system. I was still cautious of Alex, but at the same time, his presence was motivating me to keep talking.

“You see, Matchstick over here made me realise that I was the best thing that ever happened to Jack and he was a fool to me go,” Jade stated bold and playfully, looking at Jade and smiling in admiration. “But I won’t let her go this time… We belong together.”

My eyes flickered in Alex’s direction on their own accord as the words slithered from my mouth like the deadliest of venoms. He was looking at me with a stony expression, but his hard exterior did not fool me. The distinct look of sadness in his eye gave him away. The greatest actor can’t conceal the way they feel inside; it’s written on your face so clear.

I was exaggerating the truth slightly in order to drive my metaphoric, yet extremely sharp, knife deeper into Alex’s back. But then, to be honest, I wasn’t even sure what the truth was…

Jade is the best thing that’s ever happened to me in many ways, but I can’t help feeling like I’ve had better… I’ve had Alex. Nothing compares to the way I felt with you.

I felt Jade squeeze my hand affectionately as Alex suddenly broke the intense eye contact we held and looked away awkwardly.

“Ah, I’m happy for you, man,” Zack told me cheerfully, and everyone nodded and murmured in agreement.

Everyone, of course, but Alex. But then, I didn’t really expect him to be happy... He could have at least made an effort to try though, or even pretend. He’s obviously much worse than me at acting.

“Shall we go inside and eat then?” Rian suddenly asked. “I’m starving.”

Everyone nodded in agreement again and we all followed Rian’s lead into the restaurant.

***

I knocked back the wine recklessly as the hours crept by and I could feel myself getting more and more light-headed by the minute. I swear, Alex did not take his piercing eyes off of me once while I was emptying glass after glass of red wine. I tried my hardest to avoid his gaze though, not wanting to meet his disapproving glare.

He and Lisa were the only ones not drinking, for obvious reasons. Everyone else was slightly tipsy after having a couple of glasses. And then there was me, who had drank at least a whole bottle to myself... It was very obvious I was the most drunk.

Alcohol is just liquid confidence to me. My nerves had completely disappeared after the first few glasses. But I kept drinking to erase the pain I still felt.

When everyone had finished their desserts, I decided to make a speech to Rian. So, I climbed to my feet suddenly, very nearly falling backwards in the process.

“Whoa!” I giggled, as Jade and Robbie either side of me grabbed hold of my arms to steady me.

When I was balanced again, I slowly bent down and picked up my glass of wine to start my toast.

“I just wanna say, what an amazing friend and band mate Rian is,” I announced proudly, slurring my words a little.

I raised my glass higher and everyone nodded and smiled in agreement, raising their glasses too. Rian beamed.

I should have ended the speech there… Short and sweet. But oh no. Me and my big mouth couldn’t stop there...

“You have helped me through some tough shit, man. You’ve sorta been like my therapist... You're my rock, Rian!” I rambled appreciatively, going slightly off-topic and focusing on my life instead of Rian’s.

“Oh! And did you guys know that he’s a fucking mind-reader?” I added randomly, raising my eyebrows and looking round at everyone questioningly. They all wore the same blank expression, except Rian who was frowning at me slightly.

“Seriously, though, I don’t think Rian gets enough credit for just how awesome a friend he is,” I persisted, grinning like an inane person. “He’s just an awesome friend! Like, you know, one time I wanted him to do something for me that most friends would be like, ‘fuck nooo’, because it's not something that friends tend to do with eachother… You know?”

“Uh, thanks, Jack, you can sit down now,” Rian suddenly interrupted my heartfelt speech.

I looked over at him and threw my hands up questioningly, confused at why he had cut me off; he looked back at me pleadingly.

“Oh shh, Rian, we want to hear the story,” Cassadee snapped at her husband, playfully slapping his shoulder.

“Uh, no, you don’t,” Rian disagreed unconvincingly, failing to persuade anyone.

“Carry on, Jack. We’re all intrigued now about what you two did that friends shouldn't do,” Robbie frowned insistently.

I looked at Alex and found that his eyes were still glued to me. There was curiosity swimming in them now; he was definitely intrigued.

“Aww, Rian doesn’t want me to tell you what we did ‘cause he’s all embarrassed,” I giggled, looking over at Rian and recieving a warning look in return. A drunken smirk played on my lips. “It’s okay, Rian. You don’t need to be embarrassed. I mean, you’re not a bad kisser,” I told him with a shrug, causing him to close his eyes and groan.

Everyone raised their eyebrows and turned to face Rian, waiting for him to explain what I was on about. He buried his head in his hands.

Alex's eyes managed to flicker in Rian’s direction for a second, but then they darted straight back to look at me. He was frowning and his eyes were narrowed, rather than wide like everyone else's, but they were even more questioning. His mouth twitched, like he wanted to say something, but he remained completely silent. Tell me what you really want to say.

“Um… Cheers!” Robbie suddenly broke the awkward silence, lifting his wine glass and downing its contents in one.

The others shrugged and drank from their glass, letting the awkward moment pass too.

Alex, on the other hand, decided to cause a scene. He slammed his glass (of diet coke) down on the table abruptly and then stood up so fast it caused his chair to make a loud screeching noise against the wooden floor.

“I need some fresh air,” he declared flatly, and his eyes full of bet rayal lifted from the table to dart between me and Rian one final time before he turned on his heel and stormed off towards the entrance.

Notes

Google "amber heard in shorts"
That is what Jade looks like.

Who thinks someone should go after Lex? (NOT LISA!!)
Song: Go:Audio