POV: Alex

What the fuck IS this? Stab-Alex-in-the-back day?

It was bad enough when Jack was shoving it in my face that he has found his perfect match in Jade. I knew he would move on some day, I just wasn’t expecting him to move on so quickly. How can he be so over me already?

I know I should at least try to be happy for him, but it’s just so hard when I’m so miserable myself… The fact that he seems so content actually hurts me.

It also hurts me having to watch him breaking his promise to me and getting fucking wrecked again. I’m beginning to think he has a drinking problem, seriously. The worse part of it is he knows it kills me to watch him drinking so excessively like this, because of my past, but he fucking does it anyway!

And now I find out he went behind my back and kissed Rian. He KISSED my fucking brother. I cannot believe this… He’s gone too far now.

Dead-end thoughts continued to circle in my head as I stormed through the grand entrance doors of the restaurant, out into the bitter, cold night air. The sharp wind attacked my face, like an icy hand striking my cheek. My vision suddenly became blurred as my eyes started watering. I couldn’t even tell if it was the wind making them water or if I was crying.

I stopped outside the restaurant doors, standing under a luminous streetlight. My breathing was sharp and heavy, like the beating of my heart. I could see my car parked only a few yards away and I was seriously considering getting in it and driving off. I just wanted to be alone.

But I tried to resist the tempting idea, because I knew that the second I got in the car, I would drive off into the night and lose all incentive to ever come back. I just wanted to be anywhere but here right now.

I pulled out my lighter and a packet of cigarettes from my pocket in a half-hearted attempt to distract myself from my irrational ideas and chill the fuck out. I lit up and lifted the cigarette to my lips, taking a long and much-needed drag on it, closing my eyes as I exhaled slowly.

My stress levels decreased slightly, but the familiar aching in my chest got stronger. Obviously I needed something more than a fucking cigarette to fill the void inside my heart… I needed the one that ripped open the void inside me in the first place.

“Alex?” The sound of a small, hesitant voice speaking my name echoed in my ears with the deafening sound of my heartbeat.

I blinked my eyes open immediately and was met with the sight of Rian standing a few metres away from me, looking at me with an apologetic expression written on his face.

I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t even want to look at him. Just seeing him made the anger shoot through my veins like acid, because my mind was conjuring up torturous images of him and Jack in a passionate embrace. I felt so betrayed.

How could he kiss Jack?

“I have nothing to say to you,” I retorted coldly, averting my eyes to look in the opposite direction and taking another drag on my cigarette, because I was trying not to immediately fire up and succumb to the mounting rage I was feeling.

“Look, I know you’re mad, but will you just hear me out?” He asked pleadingly, ignoring my straightforward request.

Actually, ‘broken’ is a better word to describe what I am right now.

“No,” I snapped, exhaling the smoke and poisoning the tense atmosphere even more. “I have no interest in knowing the details of your secret kiss with Jack that neither of you ever happened to mention before.”

(Well, that’s a lie. I’m extremely curious about it. But I don’t wanna know because my heart can’t handle it.)

“The only reason we never mentioned it is because we knew you would get upset and it’s really not worth getting upset over,” Rian replied quickly.

“Well, sorry for not being fucking ecstatic that the two of you kissed then,” I responded sarcastically, still refusing to meet Rian’s piercing eyes, burning into my face.

“I never expected you to be happy about it… But please, just let me explain, because you’re making this into a bigger deal than it is!” Rian pleaded desperately, looking at me with a saddened expression and apologetic eyes.

So, now he’s accusing me of being overdramatic? He has a fucking nerve.

“How the fuck am I making this into a big deal? I’m not doing anything, Rian. I don’t even fucking care, so just leave me alone!” I shouted in a dramatic way that completely contradicted what I was saying.

“Of course you care,” Rian disagreed flatly, letting out a sigh. “And I don’t blame you. I can’t imagine what you’re thinking right now.”

“Uh, I’m thinking you fucking went behind my back and kissed Jack, knowing full well how I feel about him,” I grunted in a voice dripping with resentment, as I tossed my barely-used cigarette on the sidewalk.

The images in my mind suddenly transformed into moving pictures of Jack and Rian making out and my imagination started getting carried away, conjuring up more heated scenes. Items of clothing were being lost and things were getting way too intimate between my brother and love interest inside my fucked up imagination.

"It wasn't like that! All it was-"

“Did you go any further with him?” I demanded, interrupting Rian as I snapped out of my tormenting thoughts. I finally turned to face him, looking at him with analysing eyes.

The idea that Rian might have done anything sexual with Jack made my lungs constrict and my heavy heart ache even more.

Rian looked horrified by what I had said. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped slightly.

“N-no! What? No way!” He denied frantically. “I swear to God, it was only a kiss! And it wasn’t even a proper kiss… It only happened once and it only lasted, like, 5 seconds!”

Stop saying “only”… It doesn’t make it any less of a big deal to me.

I could suddenly breathe again normally out of relief that they didn’t do anything else. The emotional scars would definitely be permanent if they had, because the fact that they kissed was painful enough.

“A kiss is a kiss, Rian,” I stated bluntly, glaring at Rian with empty eyes. “And your lips have no place anywhere near Jack’s.”

After all the times I’ve passionately kissed Jack, I feel like I’m the only person who should ever be allowed to feel his lips… Maybe I’m selfish, but I can’t help the way I feel.

“I know. Seriously, Alex, you think I wanted to kiss him?” Rian demanded, looking at me with wide eyes tainted with infidelity.

Duh. If he didn’t want to kiss him, he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t have crossed the line. He's so far past the line, the line is a dot to him!

“Uh, yes… What am I supposed to think? That you just accidentally fell and landed with your lips on his?” I frowned, throwing my hands up as a gesture of confusion.

“No, but come on, Alex, you know I don’t like Jack in that way,” Rian shook his head vigorously. “The only reason I let him kiss me was because... he needed to test something.”

Wait just a damn second. He "let” Jack kiss him?

Rian’s words hit me like a tonne of bricks. This sudden revelation that Jack was the one who initiated the kiss paralysed my heart in its erratic beating for a second.

“Hang on… So, he kissed you?” I questioned in disbelief.

I didn’t want to believe that was the case. It hurt a lot less to think Jack was the innocent, vulnerable one out of the two of them, so I had naively assumed Rian made a move on Jack, not vice versa.

“Well, yeah...” Rian spoke slowly, probably wondering why this information was such a big deal to me.

But it was a bigger deal than he could ever imagine.

How could Jack make a move on Rian after everything we’ve been through? …The dude who I grew up with?! That’s so messed up.

“What the fuck was he testing? If your tongue fucking works?” I demanded dramatically, holding my hands up questioningly again.

Rian recoiled slightly, taken aback by my sudden angry outburst.

“No! He was just… uh…” He trailed off awkwardly, clearly reluctant to tell me the truth.

His reservation did not help my bad mood.

“He was just what?” I snapped impatiently, glaring at Rian heatedly.

“Well... seeing if he had feelings for me,” he finished awkwardly, forcing a shrug to make his words seem like they were nothing important.

Little did he know, his words were enough to make my heart almost cave in inside my chest.

“He was what?” I choked out, clutching a hand to my aching, constricting chest.

Rian’s eyes widened again and he seemed a little taken aback by my increasing dramatic tone of voice and sudden movement.

But again, what did he expect? He just told me that someone I have fucking deep feelings for thinks he might have feelings for my fucking brother!

“Alex, calm down,” he cried, taking a few steps closer to me with an outstretched hand that was closing in on my shoulder.

I flinched away from his touch, taking a few uneven steps backwards to avoid his hand. I didn’t need his fucking sympathy or comfort.

"No! I can't believe this!" I exclaimed angrily, hurt and confused by this new information.

How could Jack think he had fallen for Rian? I thought I was the one he wanted…

“Why are you freaking out? He doesn’t have feelings for me! That’s what we found out,” Rian continued frantically, not understanding why I was so upset.

“But he still thought he had feelings… for y-you…” I spluttered, finding it hard to believe because I had never imagined this situation arising.

“He was just confused!” Rian exclaimed quickly, looking like he just wanted to grab me and shake me to stop me from overreacting.

But I didn't feel like I was overreacting. I was just responding appropriately to the knife in my back.

“Yeah, well, it’s not like he’s confusing the fucking days of the week, is it?” I retorted indignantly. “It’s more like he was confusing his feelings for me and you… Maybe he doesn’t love me at all… Maybe it was you all along…” I rambled, getting progressively worked up until my voice was close to breaking.

“What? Alex, I told you, he doesn’t have feelings for me! You’re being ridiculous!“ Rian shook his head forcefully.

Am I? Maybe it’s true… Maybe Jack liked Rian all along, but he settled for me because he knew Rian didn’t like him as more than a friend…

My head was all over the place and I was rapidly losing the ability to think rationally.

“Fuck! I- I can’t believe this… You’re my fucking bro! We grew up together! You took me when Tom died! That makes you my brother! And- And Jack…” I stammered, trailing off uncertainly.

What exactly is Jack to me? I never really found out the answer to that question…

My throat was constricting tighter by the second; my airways were becoming restricted again and I was close to choking on the torturous thoughts of Jack that were resonant in my head.

“He’s… He's not yours, Rian,” I finally managed pathetically.

Rian looked completely lost for words, just staring at me like I had lost my Goddamn mind. I could see in his eyes what he wanted to say, but I didn’t want to hear him tell me the harsh reality that Jack is not mine either. I would rather stay under the false illusion that he still is… It’s the only thing keeping me sane right now. The thing that keeps me going everyday.

But then, suddenly, my illusion was snatched away from me and the consuming silence was broken, as the words I dreaded were finally spoken.

“Well, I’m not yours either.”

The words rang hollow in my ears and made my heart falter in its beating, because they came from the mouth of the one I dreaded to hear them from most.

How long has he been standing here?

I craned my neck to see around Rian, seeking Jack out of his hiding place. My eyes sifted through the darkness until they finally found him stood uncertainly a few metres behind Rian, avoiding the gleam of the streetlight and lurking in the shadows. My wide eyes locked with his sinister ones and I felt my heart start racing faster inside my chest.

Rian jumped at the sound of Jack’s voice so near to him and abruptly turned around to face him.

“What the fuck are you doing out here?” He demanded brusquely.

Jack didn’t pay much attention to Rian; he didn’t once break his eye contact with me as he started walking forward, coming towards me.

“I need to talk to Alex,” he answered flatly.

I didn’t really know what to feel when I stared at him standing right in front of me, watching me with intense eyes. The anger I was feeling only moments ago seemed to have drained from inside of me, being replaced by contradicting emotions. My eyes could not hide the pain, confusion and feeling of betrayal that was tearing me up inside.

“Uh, no you don’t. You’ve done enough damage for one evening,” Rian retorted crossly.

“I know... I need to sort it out,” Jack sighed, walking past Rian to get to me.

“Jack, I’m handling this. Just go back inside,” Rian commanded in a more forceful tone, suddenly grabbing him by the arm to stop him coming closer to me.

Finally, Jack tore his eyes away from mine to look at Rian.

“Get off me,” he whined, trying to shake off Rian’s hold on him and nearly losing his balance. “I need to talk to him. I need to make things right between us.”

How the fuck does he think he's going to do that? Things will never be right again. This is all so fucked up.

“Well, I doubt he wants to talk to you,” Rian assumed short-temperedly, talking about me as if I wasn’t stood right fucking behind him.

Jack’s eyes wandered back to my face, looking at me for confirmation whether Rian was right.

I sighed heavily.

“Actually, I do want to talk to him,” I admitted, causing Jack’s eyes to light up and Rian to glance quickly over his shoulder to look at me like I had gone mad.

“What? Are you sure?” Rian asked in confusion, still clutching Jack’s arm, either to keep him upright on his feet or away from me… I wasn’t quite sure.

I nodded slowly.

Yes, I was reluctant to talk to him, but I knew I needed to… There are just some things that are not better left unsaid, because they will continue to tear me apart if I don’t talk about them.

Jack snatched his arm out of Rian's grasp, breaking free. Rian just rolled his eyes at him and let out a loud sigh, before turning to leave. He shot me one final look of concern over his shoulder, before storming off in a huff.

And that was it then. Jack and I were standing alone outside, staring directly at eachother. The atmosphere was so tense I felt like it was slowly suffocating me.

I wondered who would be the first to break the silence. There were so many things I wanted to say, but I couldn’t seem to get them past my lips. So, I just stood there and embraced the consuming silence, not even attempting to say anything to end it.

Jack was wearing a pained expression, mirroring the one on my own face. I was beginning to think it was funny in a non-funny way that we both wanted to talk to eachother, yet we were both completely stuck for words. It never used to be so difficult to talk to him. When we were best friends, all we did was hang out, laugh and joke; never did I stutter or choke.

Then, all of a sudden, he eventually broke the silence with a long and heavy sigh.

“I’m sorry.”

Sorry doesn’t justify the pain you’ve inflicted on me, does it?

“I don’t understand why you kissed him,” I mumbled, averting my gaze to the floor because it was easier to look at something that wasn’t watching my every move like an unnerving hawk, like Jack was.

“If you must know, I did it because I thought kissing Rian might be like kissing you,” he confessed plainly.

His words caught my heart off-guard; it started beating itself into a frenzy, because he had initiated new images in my mind of a kiss that me and him had shared… The one on the sofa in that backstage room where we were caught up in the moment of lust and passion, completely under eachother’s spell… I craved to go back in time and relive it.

I snapped out of my trail of thoughts that were nothing but a painful memory. My heart was suddenly aching with the burning desire to pull Jack closer and kiss him again now.

Everything was painfully silent between us for a few moments while I tried to bury the urge that was taking over my mind and escape its control. I am weak.

“And was it?” I managed to ask despite the distracting thoughts and urges tainting my mind and self-control.

I lifted my eyes back up to meet Jack’s and chewed my lip as I waited with baited breath for him to reply.

“No,” he answered shortly, shaking his head slowly. “I felt nothing when I kissed Rian.”

I noticed that he didn't seem very drunk anymore... I guessed the reality of the situation had sobered him up somewhat. But it was clear that the alcohol was still affecting him in the way that he was answering so bluntly.

“Oh,” I responded at a loss for what else to say, but I felt relieved.

There was an extensive uncomfortable silence suffocating us again and a heavy weight resting on my shoulders that I needed to shake off. I needed to get something out in the open and off my chest... I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, before finally speaking in a small voice.

“I read your letter.”

I watched Jack closely as his eyes started darting back and forth slowly, like he was mentally reading the letter and trying to remember when he had written. I could remember. I could recite the letter to him if he wanted me to. His words are forever engraved in my mind and my heart.

“Oh,” he finally replied, sighing quietly.

I swallowed nervously and forced myself to keep talking and say something that was way overdue… Just throw my pride aside and say something that he deserved to hear.

“I’m sorry.” My voice sounded so strangled. “For everything.”

My eyes were now fixated on Jack again, watching his expression transform from a blank one to a pained one. His saddened eyes suddenly locked with mine again, ceasing in their quick movements.

"I never wanted to hurt you. And yeah, I know you think that everything that comes out of my mouth is a lie… But I swear, breaking your heart was the last thing I ever wanted to do. And it kills me that I have,” I rambled remorsefully, feeling overwhelmed by guilt again as the words of his letter circled in my mind.

I kept looking into his eyes pleadingly. I needed him to forgive me, even if I couldn't even forgive myself for what I’d put him through.

“I know," was all he said, hanging his head and focusing on the floor.

Disappointment flooded through me because he hadn't said he accepted my apology, like I wanted to hear him say.

But then, forgiveness is not an easy thing to feel. I guess he's just not ready to put what happened behind us yet.

He suddenly spoke again in a murmur, taking me by surprise, because I thought the conversation was dead.

"I owe you another apology, because I fully intended to hurt you tonight.”

…What?

I stared at him with intense, narrowed eyes swimming with deceit.

He wanted to hurt me? Well, mission accomplished, I guess.

“What?” I asked curiously, feeling suddenly vulnerable and abused from the emotional pain he had caused me tonight.

“I wanted to hurt you, like you hurt me,” he told me, refusing to look me in the eye as he revealed the truth. “I wanted to break you down… But now that you’re broken, I have no idea why I ever wanted to do so,” he continued ruefully.

Well, he’s right… I’m definitely broken.

I didn’t know how to respond to Jack’s unexpected confession. I remained silent, staring at my feet while I processed what he was saying. I look at you and look away, for I don’t know what to say.

"Oh."

What else is there to say to that?

“Fuck, Alex... What happened to us?" Jack questioned, frustrated. "We're supposed to be best friends, and I feel like I've lost you... Like I can't even call you my best friend anymore."

I want us to be the best friends we used to be...

"I know... I hate this," I agreed sadly, resisting the urge to take Jack's hands in mine as an act of affection. "But Jacky, you'll always be my best friend."

I refuse to let this be the end of our friendship. We've been through everything together; the good and the bad. There is nothing worth losing eachother forever.

"But I've been such a shitty friend to you lately," Jack mumbled shamefully, making me start shaking my head in objection.

I couldn't let him take the blame for this feud; it was mainly all my fault. But he held up his hand to stop me interrupting, or try to take the blame, so he could finish talking.

"I really have. I fucked up when I tried to make you drink that vodka… I'm sorry, that was out of order. I should always be supporting you, not tempting you,” he spoke regretfully.

Oh, but we both know how easy to tempt I am...

I could see in his eyes and feel in my heart that his apology was genuine and I appreciated it, because I really needed to hear it.

What happened on my wedding night between me and Jack had been torturing me for the past two weeks. I wasn't going to bring it up, but I’m glad Jack did.

“It's okay. I understand... I hurt you, and you wanted to hurt me back. We were both at fault,” I sighed jadedly. “We’ve both done stupid shit in this friendship… But it doesn’t matter now. It’s all in the past."

It’s time to move on, and we can’t move forward whilst looking behind.

“Yeah,” he nodded, trying to smile at me, but the sadness in his eye contradicted his smile, making it look false. “So… Friends?” He asked in a hopeful voice, begging me with his eyes.

Then, suddenly, he did something I was not prepared for. He took a few steps towards me and extended his arms, inviting me to hug him. I took a deep breath and forced myself to take a step forward into his outstretched arms, which he wrapped around me tightly. I put my arms around him securely too, holding him close.

“Friends,” I confirmed softly, reinforcing the painful reality to myself that that’s all we are now.

I’m not sure if this whole ‘just friends’ thing is even possible with me and Jack. Will it ever be the same? Will we ever just sit and talk? It used to be that way...

We may both be trying to be optimistic here and think rationally… But we’re both trying to ignore the truth of the reality, which is that we are both deeply in love with eachother. And I just don’t see that ever changing. I’m not sure it can come to be for I am no longer the old me.

I savoured the moment while the hug lasted, because I knew it would be over too soon... And I never wanted to leave his arms, because in them is where I belong.

Notes

Horrible chapter i know. there is probably a shit ton of typos... im to lazy to fix it.
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Song credit: Avril Lavigne