Jack POV

When we finally boarded the plane, we found out, much to mine and Alex’s dismay, that my seat was the window seat right next to his.

Whose bright fucking idea was it to put Lisa, Alex and me in the same row? They deserve to be shot.

Alex had not said one word to me since 4am this morning, when we were in the kitchen on the tour bus. He was maturely giving me the silent treatment. We ain’t talked since we left, it’s so overdue. But I didn’t care because I had nothing to say to him.

Reluctantly, we took to our seats and I made a point to face the window and turn my back to Alex as much as I could in my seat. Rian, Zack and Robbie were sat on the row behind us and I was unimpressed that none of them had agreed to swapping seats with me.

“You can’t avoid him forever, man,” Rian had told me. “Remember what we talked about?”

Of course I fucking remember. But I’m not ready to mask my pain and pretend I’m fine with Alex just yet. I don’t wanna try now. I need at least a few days of wallowing in self-pity.

Rian had Robbie and Zack on his side of the argument, agreeing that Alex and I need to be okay with eachother for the good of the band.

But how can we just 'be okay' with eachother? We can’t change the way we feel (which, right now, is pretty fucking angry with one another).

The guys clearly don’t understand that him and I are practically going through a break-up right now and these things do not just pass by easily; it takes a while to get over, if at all. I hate this part right here.

I felt angry and disappointed with everyone to the point that I felt like screaming in frustration. I tried to distract myself from my emotions and fall asleep, because I was still so fucking tired, but the voices in my head ranting about Alex, Rian, Zack, Robbie and Lisa would NOT shut up.

The one voice that drowned out all the others was filled with burning anger, hurt, rejection, sadness, aggravation and distress towards Alex... It was the indecisive one that screamed ‘I hate him’ one second and ‘I love him’ the next, and it was driving me insane.

I swear to God, the plane had barely even left the ground and everyone else was already fast asleep. Zack annoyingly started snoring behind me, sounding like a fucking lawnmower in my sensitive, aching head. I envied them all for being able to just drift into a peaceful sleep so easily. I had no hope of doing that.

I regretfully sneaked a glance sideways and saw Alex and Lisa with their heads against eachother, resting with their eyes closed. They looked sickeningly sweet. Yeah, great. Just what I wanted to see.

I quickly averted my eyes with a small sigh.

My emotions were threatening to rip through me and push me over the edge: I knew I was close to either screaming or crying again (most likely, I would scream). I needed to release my anger and pain… I needed to get it out of my system, so I could sleep, or it would keep me awake forever.

All of a sudden, a thought occurred to me: I could write down my emotions to get them down on paper and off my fucking mind. That’s been proven to help people who feel like the weight of the world is on their shoulders, right? Well, Alex was doing just that this moring... So maybe I should give it a try...

I started rummaging around in my backpack, earning shifty eyes from people on other rows, but I ignored their paranoid stares. It was hardly like I had a bomb in my bag.

Soon enough, I found a pen and as soon as I picked it up, I knew what I wanted to write… The only problem was I had no paper.

I tapped the pen against my thigh in time with my brain ticking, mentally searching for a solution that would not involve me writing my life story on my arms or something.

And then it hit me: I could write in Alex’s lyric book.

The thought alone made me smirk in an evil way that reminded me of Alex. I knew his lyric book was his most prized possession and he would freak the fuck out if he saw me looking in it, let alone writing in it. But the fact that it was forbidden property of his made my want to vandalise it so much greater!

I’ve always been like a little kid… Seeking trouble and disobeying orders… It's the way my brain is programmed, I swear.

I refused to listen to the little voice in the back of my head warning me that it was a bad idea; my mind was already made up. By using Alex’s lyric book, I would be able to leave him a little message in a convenient place where he would definitely find it, and it would piss him off beyond belief, which is a bonus. Then he’ll read what I have written and if he has any heart at all, the rage might just melt into shame. (That’s the hope, anyway.)

I forced myself to sneak a second glance in Alex’s direction to make sure he was still asleep. I didn’t know whether to be relieved or not that he hadn’t moved from the position him and Lisa were sleeping in together.

If he was awake, he would murder me… But maybe that wouldn't be as gutting as seeing him and Lisa so fucking nice and cosy together. I just wanted to grab hold of Alex and pull him towards me.

Lean on me, not her… Hold me like I’m yours-

"Stop that, Jack!" a sensible voice in my head suddenly interrupted my desire, causing me to break out of the slight trance I had fallen into, watching Alex sleep.

I shook my head slightly and glanced over my shoulder and through the seats to find Zack, Rian and Robbie all resting with their eyes closed too. I decided it was safe to move and stood up slowly to open the luggage rack above the seats, searching for Alex’s hand luggage.

A few people sat in the seats in front of us shot me random dirty looks and I frowned at them. Seriously, what is their problem?

Finally, I found Alex’s bag underneath mine and dragged it out slowly. I rummaged around in it quickly, looking for his song book, which I knew would definitely be in there (he never goes far without it).

I tried to ignore everything else in his bag, but my hands suddenly found something that, for some reason, made the jealousy and anger flood through me.

Condoms.

Clearly Alex owns condoms, so why couldn't he have fucking used one, instead of getting Lisa pregnant? Fucking idiot.

Although, my mind completely rejected the thought of Alex and Lisa making use of them and so did my hands, apparently, because they acted impulsively and removed the condoms from his bag, sneakily relocating them into mine. (My hands have a mind of their own sometimes.) It was childish, yes, but as we have gathered, I am a child.

This action earned a few more dirty glares from people, but I didn’t give a fuck.

Yes, that’s right, I stole his condoms… What you gonna do about it?

I have serious issues.

I carried on searching through Alex’s bag, before finally coming across his lyric book. Then I pulled it out slowly and put his bag back on the rack before returning to my seat.

Curiosity immediately got the better of me and I opened up the book without hesitation.

I’ve never seen inside his lyric book. No one has. He’s weirdly private about his songs, which is why he would kill me if he knew what I was doing. I must really have a Death wish doing this sat right fucking next to Alex… This is probably not my smartest idea, but fuck it.

The first few pages consisted of song that he wrote when we we’re teens. There were even a few drawings. Alex likes to keep all the songs to himself. They were pretty awesome. He is frustratingly good at art and music, just like pretty much everything else he does.

I flicked through the pages impatiently, not knowing what exactly I was looking for, but what I did know was that I wasn’t interested in space and shit he wrote for our first album.

Suddenly, I turned a page and my eyes were drawn to a picture that captivated my interest instantly. It was of me and Alex… Kissing.

It was quite obviously a drawing of the kiss we had shared onstage. He had drawn the details so perfect; It looked so real that it suddenly made the memory come to life in my mind, causing me to re-live the kiss instinctively and my heart beat to increase dramatically. My heart beats fast right now.

Why would Alex draw a picture of this? Alex rarely draws…

I stared fixated at the page for minutes on end, longing to go back in time and experience that amazing moment again… To go back to that time when Alex and I were actually close friends. I'd give anything for that to happen.

Eventually, I sighed and forced myself to turn the page, trying also to turn a mental page in my head and leave that moment in the past. I needed to forget the way he made me feel that night onstage… The way he held me… The way his lips caressed mine… The way he looked at me so adoringly-

Fuuuck. I need to stop doing that.

The following page was vandalised with scribbles... I must say, it wasn’t Alex’s finest piece of art. I stared intently, trying to figure out if it was actually meant to be something other than a million scrawls in a thick black pen over a blank page.

And then I noticed the words that were etched into the scribbles, written randomly all over the page. It took me a few moments of staring with the book practically held up against my face, but I finally managed to figure out what it said. The words, as far as I could tell, were: ‘My head is all over the place. My heart is all over you.’

Is it a little egotistical to assume that this is about me? Let’s face it; it must be. I’m no fool... I know the confusion I have caused for Alex. I’ve been nothing but a burden in his life. He told me that I mess with his head and he can’t think straight around me… It’s no secret between us that I was his ‘addiction’. The only question still playing on my mind is, 'Am I still his addiction...?'

I decided I had seen enough of Alex’s ‘Song art’ when I found that I was struggling to push the sudden, unnecessary guilt that was haunting me to the back of my mind.

Why should I feel guilty? It's not my fault that Alex ended up getting so mentally attached to me. I don't know why he started thinking of me as some kind of fucking drug. His theory is that it's because I love him... My theory is that he's fucked up in the head. Either way, it's not my fault.

It was equally as hard to turn this page in the book and forget what I had seen as it was with the realistic picture of Alex and I kissing passionately, for some reason. I guess I just didn't want to forget the feelings we have for eachother.

But in the end I realised I didn't have much choice, so I decided to skip ahead to the back of the book, straight to a blank page that represented the new chapter of Alex and me.

I hesitantly touched the pen to the paper and began writing, letting my emotions and pain pour from my heart straight onto the paper. My hope was to get it all out in the open, so I might find it easier to move on with my life and put these feelings behind me. Alex had his form of closure between us last night when he married Lisa, and this was mine…

Alex,

First of all, I am sorry for invading your privacy and looking in this book. I realised as soon as I saw the picture of you and I kissing that it was a mistake to open this, yet somehow I couldn’t bring myself to stop…

I'm writing this because I have some things I need to get off my chest, and quite frankly, I would never say them to your face now.

I just wanted you to know, Alex, that I hate you.

I hate you for all those times I was there for you and you were never there for me... Those times when I would stop you falling and then take the fall myself, or help you gain faith in yourself and then lose all faith in me. You just always fucking take it all and never give anything back. Every day, seven takes of the same old scene… Seems we’re bound by the laws of the same routine. I’m so empty now. This is what you’ve made me.

I hate you for believing her over me. I’ve been your best friend for five fucking years and she’s been back in your life for three weeks! Why didn’t you trust me? I thought that we were stronger. I was trying to save you from making the biggest mistake of your life... I guess there’s just no helping you anymore. But hey, don’t come crying to me when the truth comes out.

I hate you for making me believe we had something special… You told me you loved me and I fucking believed you. I don't believe you now though. If you did love me, you wouldn't treat me this way. Anyway, I don’t want to believe you love me... I’m barely getting over you in the mindset that you hate me right now. If I still thought for one second that you did in fact love me, I would never move on. I hope you see now that love is not a word you can just throw around and my heart is not something you can play your fucked up games with.

I hate you for lying to me; to Lisa; to everyone. It's like every time you open your mouth a fucking lie comes out, so I’m actually glad you’re not talking to me now. There is no more time for lies. Ignore me all you fucking want; it means I don’t have to put up with your deceit.

I hate you for using me like I was your own personal drug. I tried to understand what you were going through with the whole ‘addiction’ to me, but I never really did. The only reason I let you ‘use me’ was because I was weak and vulnerable and madly in love with you… You shouldn’t have taken advantage of me. I can’t take it any longer. You and your fucking urges really messed with my head and my heart.

And do you know what I hate most of all?

I hate the fact that I don’t really hate you, because I love you too fucking much.

I hate myself for not knowing how to get over you. I fucking hate feeling this way. And I hate what my love and your ‘addiction’ has done to me… To us… Our friendship is falling apart at the seams. I know this is the part where the end starts. I wish I never fell for you. I just want things to be the way they used to be. This is killing me.

But you know what? You don’t need to worry about me... I will get through this. I know you’ll ask me to hold on and carry on like nothing’s wrong... And I will do it for you. I'll let go, because I don’t want to lose you completely. You were my best friend... I miss that relationship we had. If you don’t want to lose me either, then this doesn’t have to be the end. We could be good friends again, in time. I could put back all the pieces, they just might not fit the same.

Jack

I was feeling all choked up suddenly, but I swallowed the lump in my throat and snapped Alex’s song book shut quickly. I just can’t take these tears.

I didn’t want to read over what I had written. I knew that if I read what I had written I would be tempted to rip the page out and tear it into pieces in embarrassment, so I didn’t give myself the chance to do that... I just climbed to my feet and shoved the book back in Alex’s bag.

I collapsed in my seat again and slowly started to drift into a troubled sleep, knowing and hating that when I woke again, we would be home and then Alex and I would be taking different paths and finally moving on with our separate lives.

Notes

Alex, I hate you (WHO ELSE CRIED?!?!) so there's gonna be a bit of a time lapse in the next chapter. Any idea what will have changed?

Song: Pussycat Dolls