*Alex POV*

I dropped down onto the sofa where Rian was lounging, as Jack collapsed on the opposite sofa with Robbie and Zack, squashing them in the process.

“Hey, do you mind?” Rian asked me, annoyed, when I pushed his legs off the sofa so I could sit down.

“No. Move your fat ass,” I retorted flatly, getting comfortable and invading his personal space as much as I could.

Robbie chuckled at my remark and sarcastically commented “Yeah, ‘cause Rian is obese.”

I snorted, realizing the irony of my insult. There really isn’t an ounce of fat on my Friend.

“Both of you can fuck off,” Rian huffed automatically.

Robbie and I smirked at his failed attempt of a witty response.

“What are we doing tonight?” Jack asked randomly.

I looked at him with a blank expression; it was a strange question, considering the night was pretty much over. It would soon be the early hours of the morning.

“Uh, sleeping,” Zack answered, yawning as if to prove a point.

Sounds good to me.

We all nodded and groaned in agreement.

“Man, we sure know how to party it up,” Jack joked.

Fuck yeah we do. Sleeping, playing Xbox, gay make out sessions. Party the ATL way!.

“We’ll ‘party it up’ tomorrow. Right now I can’t be fucked to move,” I spoke up un enthusiastically.

Being a front man definitely takes it out of me. I could barely move without a muscle somewhere in my body aching.

There were more groans of agreement and half-hearted nods. Zack was the only one who seemed to register my comment; he frowned at me.

“Why are we ‘partying it up’ tomorrow?” He enquired, like it was something completely alien for us. Which I guess it is these days.

“Okay, I’m gonna punch the next person that says “party it up”,” Robbie interjected flatly.

“Well, me and Jack ran into Shaun Mivi-“ I started to explain, before being rudely drowned out.

“The singer of Just Another issue? That really famous like pop group?” Rian over dramatically gasped trying to act like one of their fans, sitting up straighter and looking at me with sudden interest.

Was that outburst really necessary? I could understand if his name was Tom or something, but there aren’t exactly many Shaun fucking Mivillina’s about...

"How many Shaun Mivillina’s do you know, Rian?" I enquired flatly, raising my eyebrows.

He blinked at me a few times, saying nothing. Because the answer was quite obviously "one". And therefore his interruption was pointless.

“Yes, the singer of JAI," I clarified in a patronizing voice for Rian. "We decided we’re all gonna hang out tomorrow after their set or something. You know, just catch up, seeing as it’s been so long-”

“Oh, that’s awesome! Man, I love those guys!” Rian interrupted excitedly for a second time.

I glared at him. Sometimes I wish there was a mute button on him.

“Yeah, should be good,” Zack agreed.

Oh, it will definitely be good…

I used to have a massive crush on their bassist, Lisa, which actually sucked because she was in a relationship and I was with Dem at the time. It should be interesting to see her again now I’m single...

Rian had moved on to interrupting my thoughts, it seemed, as he suddenly slapped my shoulder with his hand. I nearly slapped him back twice as hard.

“Wait a minute…” He began, pointing his finger at me with a quizzical expression on his face.

I'm waiting...

“What?” I asked roughly, when he said nothing more.

“Wasn’t that girl you used to love, you know, the bass player in JAI?” He questioned, cocking an eyebrow at me suggestively.

Okay, what the fuck? I swear he can read my mind.

“Wha- shut up, I didn’t LOVE her!” I defended, feeling my cheeks getting hotter.

“You totally did! It’s all coming back to me now… Lisa, wasn’t it? Yeah. You drove me insane the whole tour going on and on about her.‘Rian, she’s so hot.’ ‘Rian, do you think she likes me?’” Rian mocked me in a high, whiny voice.

Robbie and Zack started sniggering. I shot a glare at them both, then rolled my eyes, turning back to Rian. He was smirking knowingly.

“First of all, that was, like,forever ago, so I don't know how you can even remember,especially since you were wasted the majority of the time back then,” I pointed out, folding my arms guardedly. “And secondly, what the fuck? That was the worst impression of me ever.”

I don’t sound like I’m on helium, thank you very much.

“Actually, it was pretty dead-on,” Zack commented, and him, Rain and Robbie sniggered even more.

“So, what’s so awesome about this chick?” Robbie asked curiously.

I realized he had never met her because we didn’t know him when we toured with JAI all those years ago.

I hesitated and managed to stop myself from blurting out “everything” in order to prevent further piss-taking from the guys.

“I don’t know... We just had a lot in common,” I replied lamely, which ultimately encouraged the further piss-taking.

“Well, you have a lot of stuff in common with me, Jack, Zack and Rian… Are you in love with us too?” Robbie asked, faking sounding serious.

Rian and Zack laughed again, but then Rian seemed to realize what he had said and he was no longer amused.

“Dude, no. We’re like his brothers!” He complained, looking at Robbie with an expression of disgust.

"Oh, calm down, Rian, I am not in love with you. Or any of you. Believe it or not, I’m not actually gay," I stated confidently.Confusing what is real…

There was an uncomfortable silence as soon as the words left my mouth. I noticed the skeptical exchanging glances between Rian and Zack. Robbie didn’t say anything; he just smirked doubtfully and looked from me to Jack suggestively. I knew what he was getting at and I rolled my eyes at him. Jack looked up at that moment and noticed Robbie’s shifty eyes too; he frowned at him.

“Alright, I didn’t even say anything!” Robbie exclaimed when he saw our expressions.

I didn’t reply; I was bored of this conversation already. Jack was too, apparently, because he jumped to his feet abruptly.

“Well, I’m off to bed,” he announced suddenly.

“Already?” Zack asked, at the same time Robbie looked at his phone with raised eyebrows and said “it’s 11:33…”

Considering we usually call it a night at about 2am, it was slightly early...

“Yeah, well, I’m exhausted,” Jack shrugged carelessly, walking towards the bedroom without another word.

Something is bothering him, I can tell.

“I think I’m gonna go to bed too,” I declared, climbing off the sofa, and starting to follow Jack out of the room.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw the way they all looked at each other blankly.

“I think you annoyed them,” I heard Rian smirk.

I didn’t bother explaining that I wasn’t annoyed, I was just curious to find out why Jack was acting kind of weird.

“But I didn’t even say anything!” Rob repeated louder as I shut the bedroom door behind me.

I wandered into the bedroom and sat on my bed opposite Jack’s, where he was already laying on top of his covers staring vacantly at the bottom of Rob’s bunk above his.

“Are you okay, man? You seem kinda... uh, distracted,” I said slowly, staring at him with a frown on my face.

“Yeah… I’m just thinking, you know,” he answered vaguely, not breaking his fixated stare on Rob’s bunk.

“What about?” I persisted, desperate for more information.

“Just stuff.”

Great, thanks, that narrows it down.

I sighed heavily. He obviously had no intention of telling me what was bothering him, so I dropped it, not wanting to annoy him.

“So, tonight was a good show, huh?” I said conversationally, changing the subject swiftly.

“Yeah,” he replied shortly, the slightest smirk forming on his lips.

I could tell by that smirk that he was thinking about the way I was all over him, unable to keep my hands to myself… And thankfully he didn’t seem annoyed about it. But then, he never did.

“Sorry about the urges,” I apologized half-heartedly, grinning.

He finally turned on his side to face me instead of Rob’s bunk.

“I’d complain, but you’re a fucking good kisser,” he complimented me with a shrug, sounding completely serious.

For some reason, this made me blush like a nine year-old girl.

“Haha, uh, thanks... You’re not too bad yourself,” I returned the compliment.

“Not too bad” was an understatement; he’s a good kisser too. Really fucking good.

He smirked slightly, his bright eyes staring into mine.

“Do me a favor though... Warn me next time you’re gonna grab my crotch,” he spoke with a twinkle in his eye.

I giggled, again like a nine year-old girl, and shook my head.

"And how exactly do you suggest I warn you? Do you want me to casually slip it into one of the songs when I'm singing or something?" I joked light-heartedly.

Jack smirked and nodded his head.

"Oh, yeah, the new and improved version of Weightless: 'Manage me I’m a mess, turn a page I’m about to grab Jacks crouch.'"

I was far too amused by this conversation.

"Wow, you are a lyrical genius," I scoffed. "But I think I prefer 'oh baby here comes the urge!'"

I carried on singing while Jack just giggled.

“Oh, I dare you to sing that," he challenged.

I shook my head, smirking at him.

"I can't plan it... My urges don’t come with a warning.”

(Seriously. They come out of fucking nowhere!)

The laughter faded pretty suddenly, and there was a brief pause. Jack turned his attention back to Rob's bunk again and I him mutter“you don’t come with a warning” under his breath.

I didn’t know if I was supposed to hear what he had said, because it sounded more like he was talking to himself, so I ignored it.

There was a sudden awkward silence between us and I racked my brain for a conversation filler. I wanted to talk to Jack, but I seemed to be running out of subjects. The conversations were dying out fast between us tonight, for some reason.

“So... Are you looking forward to tomorrow?” I asked eventually.

He didn’t turn to face me again. He continued to stare fixated at Rob’s bunk, avoiding my gaze.

"I guess," he replied un enthusiastically.

He definitely didn’t sound as excited as Rian had. Or excited at all, for that matter.

I opened my mouth to ask if he had a problem with JAI that I wasn’t aware of or something, but he beat me to it.

“Bet you’re looking forward to seeing Lisa again.”

The way he said it was more of a statement than a question. And I swear I detected a hint of bitterness... Does Jack not like Lisa?

“Yeah, I guess. I did have a bit of a thing for her,” I admitted shamelessly, trying to play it cool and not sound too excited about seeing her again. Even though I was.

Jack said absolutely nothing, and once again, an uncomfortable silence filled the room. I couldn’t understand why things were this awkward between us. He didn’t even seem to want to talk to me right now, which is not something I’m used to. He usually never shuts up.

“So, uh... You got your eye on anyone then?” I asked suggestively, having suddenly developed a theory that the reason Jack was acting different was because he was fed up of being single.

The idea of Jack having a girlfriend just doesn’t seem right to me though. I guess I’m just used to him being single, seeing as his last relationship ended like a year ago. I’ve never understood how he’s been single so long. It’s not like girls aren’t attracted to him… It’s like he’s not attracted to them. He has always found them sexually attracted just not since he broke up with Tayler. He’s just always been kind of awkward around girls.

“Um… no…” He answered slowly.

He didn’t fool me for one second; I had heard the way uncomfortable hesitation in his reply.

“Oh, you have!” I exclaimed, unexpectedly feeling a small stab of jealousy in my gut, which I ignored, because I have absolutely no reason to feel jealous. “Who is it?”

“No one… It doesn’t matter... I- nothing will ever happen between us,” he stammered in obvious confusion, shaking his head.

Then he suddenly looked angry with himself for saying too much. I raised my eyebrows at the way he was acting.

“Why not?” I questioned, desperate for more answers that Jack was reluctant to give.

“It’s just... too complicated,” he sighed.

Complications are just obstacles waiting to be overcome... They're never impossible.

“Why? Have you told her how you feel?” I continued questioning him recklessly.

I just wanted to help. I hated to think he was unhappy.

“Uh, no I haven't… We're friends, so I don’t think I can,” he mumbled, rubbing his forehead with his hand as he spoke.

He was definitely confused and uncomfortable talking to me about it, but my brain would not stop racing, trying to figure out who this girl he had fallen for was.

I don’t understand why he won’t tell her how he feels. Surely the worst thing that could happen is that she rejects him… But why would she even reject him?

“Seriously, who is this girl? She’d be crazy not to want you too,” I comforted him.

Who wouldn't want Jack, though?

He sighed and hesitated again.

“Alex, there’s no girl,” he eventually stated simply.

Wait, what?

I stared at him blankly for a few seconds, waiting for some kind of explanation, but he didn’t continue.

“What do you mean?” I asked, cocking an eyebrow.

He still refused to make eye contact with me. He closed his eyes and ran his fingers through his hair wordlessly, taking his time replying.

“I... no, forget it. I don’t want to talk about it,” he muttered weakly.

“But wha-"

“Please, Alex… don’t,” he interrupted, dismissing the subject.

I did as I was told and shut up. I didn’t bother trying to start a new conversation either, despite the increasing number of unanswered questions now circling in my head…

So, if there’s no girl, does that mean he just made that whole thing up?

…Why?

Or is there a GUY?

How long have has he felt like this? And why have I only just noticed how much it’s clearly affecting him?

Just what the fuck?!

WHO IS IT?

Jack apparently took the silence between us as an opportunity to get ready for bed, because he suddenly started stripping... Yes, fucking stripping! He should come with a warning! He just removed his clothes quickly item by item, until he was lying in only his boxers.

Oh, that’s fine, don't mind me...

Either he had forgotten I was sat right there, watching him, or he was in the mood to put on some kind of show.

Hell, now I am in the mood to watch...

I found my eyes glued to his naked torso, feeling a sudden urge begin to creep up inside me.Crawling in my skin…I tried to force it to the back of my mind and ignore it, but the sight of him lying there almost naked, wearing only his boxers, was doing nothing for my self-control. I wanted to touch him.This lack of self control I fear is never-ending; controlling…

If he could hear the unsettling urges that echoed inside my head, I know he’d feel slightly uncomfortable…

“Uh, Alex? You’re staring,” Jack suddenly said uncertainly, raising his eyebrows at me.

Okay, so, I guess he didn’t need to hear the silent voices in my head to feel uncomfortable… My un-blinking eyes fixated on his half-naked body was obviously creepy enough.

It’s not my fault his perfectly toned stomach were calling out to me and building the temptation inside me. I was suddenly desperate to touch him and I couldn’t seem to stop staring fixated at him. I shook my head very slightly, knocking some sense and awareness back into my mind.

“Oh, um, sorry,” I mumbled, embarrassed, forcing myself to look somewhere else… Anywhere except his body.

It was hard; my eyes seemed to be attracted to him like a magnet. I finally managed to turn my undivided attention to the floor, but my eyes flickered in his direction a few more times.

I felt a sense of relief when he suddenly climbed under the covers and out of sight of my watching eyes, but it didn’t last long when I realized the urge inside had not disappeared, like the view… It was getting stronger still.

Jack shuffled in his bed trying to get comfortable.

“Well… G'night,” he yawned, completely oblivious to the silent battle going on inside my head.There’s something inside me that goes beneath the surface; consuming, confusing.

“Oh, night,” I answered distractedly.

I undressed quickly and lay down in my own bed, trying to use all my will-power to re-focus the thoughts in my mind to something other than Jack.Discomfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me; distracting…

I desperately need to find a way to ignore my urges and voices inside my head. I’m obsessing over my best friend… My band mate... And I’ve got to fucking stop this now.My walls are closing in...

I can’t cope with these thoughts and temptations invading my mind and getting more out of hand with each day. I have yet to find a reliable solution to help me control this addiction. I’ve felt this way before; so insecure.

This addiction actually feels worse for me than the alcohol lever did, because I know if I carry on like this I could end up ruining the friendship Jack and I have.Fear is how I fall.

I clutched both hands to my head, frustrated at the out-of-control war of thundering voices inside my head; the loudest ones screamed for Jack, whilst others screamed for sanity.

I glanced sideways at Jack lying with his eyes closed opposite me, breathing heavily as he drifted into a peaceful sleep. My own breathing started getting heavier, as I started getting desperate and silently prayed for some kind of release from this insanity.I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take...

Suddenly, my brain interrupted my irrational thoughts with a new thought;I’m going to see Lisa R tomorrow. The voices in my mind paused very abruptly, considering this thought. Then they continued, but they were a lot quieter. Thoughts of Jack were still threatening to take over my mind again...It’s haunting how I can’t seem to find myself again.

I struggled to keep my mind focused, using all my remaining strength to try and think only about Lisa. Very slowly the voices and madness started to fade out in my head, and quietness crept back in.

The past came crawling back, as I lay in bed thinking about all the memories I have of Lisa. The thought of seeing her beautiful face and hearing her sweet voice again after four long years temporarily blocked out Jack and all the urges I didn’t want to keep feeling towards him.

Soon enough, the only voice I could hear was Rob’s through the wall shouting at the TV or something in the next room (“don’t fucking freeze now, you asshole, I’m just about to win!”). Relief flooded through me, and I removed my hands from the tight grip I had no idea they had taken in my hair.

Notes

Song lyrics credit: Linkin Park