*Jack POV*

I could not fall asleep; I had insomnia caused by Alex. My mind just kept replaying everything he had said to me before falling asleep, like a broken record skipping in my head. He was completely unaware of my inner-struggle, of course, as he was also unaware that I had been watching him sleep for the past few hours.

I was dangerously close to telling him the truth earlier… But even if I wanted to, which I don't, I couldn't think of a way to say it. Seriously, how the fuck do you tell your best friend that you’re in love with them? I know it will only make things awkward between us and that’s the last thing I want. Maybe if I ignore the feelings they’ll go away sooner or later…

Alex doesn’t even know I'm not 100% straight. I've never been involved with a guy, like I know he has. I used to have an amazing girlfriend called Jade; I was with her for years and I really did love her. But then weird things happening involving my feelings towards Alex and I got majorly confused.There is no question; there was some connection.

I’ve been attracted to him since the day we met… It was just never an attraction so strong that I couldn’t resist. But then it changed. It developed into a more powerful, sexual attraction. It's like he turned me fucking gay! But I've never really been attracted to other guys... So I think I'm just gay for Alex!

I’ve always known subconsciously that I love him. I still remember the first time I dreamt about him as more than a friend. Let’s just say I got too excited... And the experience was made so much worse by the fact that Tayler was in the bed with me. I remember waking up and being horrified at the thought that I had moaned Alex’s name or something, but Tayler told me I didn’t really form words.

I felt so embarrassed and guilty for the next few days, I couldn’t even look Tayler or Alex in the face. But I was fucking confused, most of all… I didn’t know what it meant. It didn’t help that dreaming about Alex became a regular occurrence, either.

Then a few months later, as the confusion continued to build inside me, Alex broke up with his girlfriend of four years, Dem. He was fucking heart broken and I spent nearly all my time comforting him and being a shoulder for him to cry on.

Tayler was understanding; she didn’t even get annoyed that I was paying more attention to Alex than her. But I wasn’t totally understanding of myself and I got annoyed at me... It just wasn't right that I wanted to be around Alex more than her. I had stronger feelings for my best friend than my girlfriend.

But I ignored my gut feeling for a really long time and stayed with Tayler, scared to break her heart. It was only last year when I finally decided the lies and deceit had gone on long enough. The relationship wasn’t fair on her. I broke up with her and I broke her heart, like the asshole I am.I’ve got a jet-black heart; it’s all fucked up and it’s falling apart.

Even now I still really miss her sometimes. But I don’t regret my decision, because I finally understand myself now; I understand that I am utterly in love with my fucking best friend.This is real, as real as it gets.

I heard Alex state earlier that he’s not gay, but I don’t know why he felt the need to defend his sexuality to us like that. He never discusses his sexuality and I've definitely never heard him make a confident statement like that before. I always sort of assumed he was bisexual, even though he's technically never dated a guy. There's just something about him that strikes me as a bit gay… And I mean that nicely.

Maybe I'm just hoping he is a bit gay...I just wanna be loved.Or maybe my initial instinct about his sexuality has something to do with the fact that I caught him in bed with Bert McCracken a few years ago on the Warped Tour. Of course Alex has no idea that I came in the room though, because he was a little preoccupied at the time. I never properly confronted him about it and I never told anyone else about it either. I kept his dirty little secret to myself out of loyalty to him.

I remember being pissed off at him in silence. I’ve just always been the same when it comes to Alex; reluctant to voice feelings I have towards him. And anyway, I was with Tayler at the time and I hadn’t yet come to grips with the fact that I was in love with him, so I was confused at myself once again at why I was feeling angry and hurt from catching him and Bert.

But all of that is in the past now... So, why is it still keeping me awake at night?

Take the past, burn it up and let it go.

***

The following morning, I got dressed lazily, grabbing whatever clothes my hands found first and wandered into the kitchen groaning and rubbing my eyes.

I was met with the sight of Alex jotting down lyrics in his notebook. When I approached he hastily closed the book, protecting his precious songs from my tired eyes. He’s weirdly private about his songs, but we’re all used to it.

“What’s wrong with you? You don’t look so good,” he greeted me with a concerned expression as I sat down at the table opposite him.

“Oh, thanks,” I muttered sarcastically for the insult of my appearance. “Nothing. I just didn’t get much sleep last night.”

I yawned at the mention of sleep.

Alex gestured to his coffee and I stared at him blankly.

"You need one," he explained shortly, then he picked up the coffee and put it to his lips.

"I can't be bothered to move now I've sat down," I groaned, holding my head up with both my hands.

Alex rolled his eyes at my laziness and then he extended his arm in my direction, holding out his cup of coffee to me.

I widened my tired eyes in real shock.

"You're giving me your coffee?" I asked, eyebrows raised.

He never shares his coffee... What's gotten into him?

"Yeah, take it," he urged, shoving his cup towards me impatiently. “You definitely need it.”

"Uh, thanks... Jesus, what's gotten into you?" I frowned, leaning across the table to take it from him graciously.

"Nothing. It's only coffee," Alex shrugged.

Only coffee? ...Okay, who are you and what have you done with Alex Gaskarth?

"So, is something bothering you?” Alex questioned, changing the subject and looking at me with analyzing eyes.

I didn’t hold eye contact with him, because I knew the truth was there inside of mine.I’ve got one confession; a love deprivation.

“No... Well, not really..." My eyes darted all over the place awkwardly as I shrugged and stammered.

I'm a fucking terrible liar.

Alex cocked an eyebrow at me and I knew he was about to continue questioning me, so I quickly jumped in and sneakily changed the topic from me to him.

"The better question is what’s bothering you?”

He frowned at me questioningly while I sipped his coffee nonchalantly.

“What the fuck happened to you last night?” I eventually continued when he didn’t say anything.

It was safe to make eye contact with him now because I was no longer the one being interrogated.

“I- What do you mean?” Alex responded innocently, narrowing his eyes at me.

Apparently, he's much better at playing it cool than I am in these situations...

“Before you went to sleep last night you looked like you were having a fucking seizure or something,” I replied plainly, raising my eyebrows.

I could have sworn I saw a flicker of panic in Alex’s eyes as he realized what I was talking about. But then he looked away and said casually “Oh… was I? I don’t remember.”

That was a blatant lie.

“How can you not remember? You were, like, pulling your fucking hair out! I thought I was going to have to come and restrain you!” I informed him, exaggerating very slightly.

“I must have been dreaming,” he replied quickly, looking unsettled.

I knew for a fact he wasn’t dreaming, because I was watching him and he had his eyes open and everything... But there wasn’t much point in carrying on a conversation about something Alex was pretending not to remember, for some reason.

“Well then, your dreams must be fucking stressful,” I sighed, even though I was far from convinced.

I could have sworn I heard Alex mumble “you have no idea” under his breath, but I said nothing more.

I finally pulled myself up from the table and walked over to the cupboards to grab the first packet of cereal I found in there.

“So are you going to avoid my questions again if I ask about what’s really bothering you?” Alex asked immediately, as I started searching for a spoon.

Oh for fuck sake.

“Yep,” I yawned, finding a spoon that looked relatively clean on the side, and walking back over to sit down opposite him at the table again with the cereal and spoon. I couldn't be bothered with milk or a bowl.

I tucked into the packet hungrily.

“Dude, get a fucking bowl. We all have to eat that shit,” Alex groaned while I shoved spoonfuls of Cheerios into my mouth impatiently.

“Don't worry, there won’t be any shit left to eat after I’m finished with this,” I replied, talking with my mouth full, causing him to roll his eyes and say “that’s attractive.”

If I didn’t have a mouth full of cheerios, I would have smirked at his sarcasm.

There was a brief silence between us as I munched my Cheerios and Alex stared at me looking disgruntled.

“So, yeah, anyway… The conversation we had last night really confused me,” he said slowly, breaking the silence.

I stared at him expectantly and carried on eating. I figured that he didn't like me talking with my mouth full, so I just had to make sure it was full at all times and I wouldn't have to talk back.

But then he asked something I wasn't quite prepared for, and I very nearly choked on my mouthful of Cheerios.

“Are you gay?”

Oh my God! Why is he asking me that? We don't talk about this kind of thing! Has he worked out my secret feelings for him? …How does he know?!

I somehow managed to swallow my mouthful and answer.

“What the fuck, man?”

I didn't even try to hide my shock; there's not much way to recover after choking on my fucking Cheerios.

“I mean... Is there a guy that you like or something?” Alex continued suspiciously.

The voices in my head suddenly answered“Yes. YOU, you fucking moron.”

“Wow, this interrogation came outta nowhere,” I observed, avoiding his question again (I wonder how long I can keep doing that before he gets pissed off…).

“Well, it's just that you said last night that you like someone… And I kinda assumed it was a girl… Then you said there’s no girl…” Alex trailed off, frowning at me. “So yeah… What the fuck?”

Wow. I dug a giant hole for myself last night, didn’t I?

“Oh, come on, Alex. I was tired… I was talking shit like usual. Forget about it,” I lied quickly.

I knew Alex wouldn’t buy that; he’s not a fucking idiot. But it was worth a shot. He stared at me with a piercing, intense glare which I tried my best to avoid.

“Uh-huh. Well, when you wanna talk about it, you know where to find me,” he finally sighed, shaking his head.

I half-smiled at him gratefully, both for the offer and the fact that he was dropping the subject.

I’m surprised at Alex’s invitation actually. He’s not usually one for discussing feelings and shit like that; he prefers to show people how he feels. Maybe I should do it his way and just demonstrate my feelings to him. He might just figure out the truth without me actually having to say it. Telling him in person will be my last resort, I know that much.

I think I'd find it easier to let Alex know my feelings by displays of affection, rather than conversations of truth, but I’ve always been too shy to make the first move on anyone, let alone my best friend. Alex is always the one to make the first move on me when we’re onstage and stuff… Maybe tonight onstage I should take a leap of faith and make the first move.I want domination.

I broke out of my trail of thoughts sharply and looked at Alex, who was now playing with his hair looking deep in thought himself. I was fairly sure he wasn’t going to ask me another question that might make me choke on my breakfast again, so I resumed eating.

The only sound in the room for a while was the sound of cereal crunching and aclockticking. I glanced at the clock instinctively and noticed that it was past midday already.

“Where are the guys?” I asked, breaking the silence and glancing around the empty kitchen and living room.

“Oh, they went out earlier. They wanted to walk around aimlessly and watch some bands,” Alex responded, sounding bored.

“Why didn’t you go with them?” I wondered aloud.

He shrugged. “I have more productive ways to spend my time.”

I raised my eyebrows and looked from him to his song book.

“I do other things too!” He said defensively, frowning at the skeptical look on my face.

“Sure you do,” I taunted him, before suggesting, “Wanna play ‘Left 4 Dead’?”

“Uh, hell yeah!" He nodded excitedly.

I downed his coffee quickly and we headed over to lounge lazily on the sofas. We wasted no more valuable gaming time, grabbing our Xbox controllers immediately.

“Prepare to be beaten,” Alex smirked.

That fucker is too confident for his own good sometimes.

I’ll never give in.

***

“No, really, how do I look?” Alex asked me stressfully, as we made our way over to JAI tour bus.

“Once again, you lookfine, Alex. Would you stop already?” I rolled my eyes, bored with the conversation that seemed stuck on replay.

I was annoyed at how obsessive he was being about his appearance, because 1) he always looks fucking gorgeous, 2) he’s never usually superficial enough to care how hot he looks, and 3) he obviously only wanted to impress Lisa.

“Just fine? Not sexy, gorgeous or smoking hot?” Alex asked in mock offence.

I frowned at him and he pouted slightly in response.

“You already know you are all those things, so I don’t know what you want from me,” I scoffed, telling him exactly what he wanted to hear.

“Do you really think I’m hot?” He asked, looking surprised for some reason.

Oh shit. He was only messing around… I answered too seriously.

“Well, yeah, I mean… You’re not bad,” I shrugged, trying to play it cool. I didn’t want it to be obvious how extremely attracted I am to him.

He chuckled uneasily.

“Not bad,” he repeated, nodding in understanding. “Right.”

I tried to catch his eye and give him a big smile, but he seemed to be purposefully avoiding my gaze, staring at the floor as we walked.

Oh God, I’ve offended him now, haven’t I? Shit, why do I even say things?

As we neared our destination I saw a group of people gathered in front of the tour bus. I spotted Shaun, stood talking to Rian. Then I saw Rob and Zack deep in conversation with a man and woman who had their backs to us.

Shaun was the first to spot me and Alex approaching.

“Ah, they’ve arrived! Where the fuck have you two been?” He asked us loudly, and everyone turned to wave and greet us.

"I wasn’t aware that we were on a time schedule," I grinned, waving back to everyone.

“We were just playing Left 4 Dead,” Alex explained.

“I kicked his ass,” I boasted, causing Alex to roll his eyes at me.

I found my victory over him pretty damn funny, because he was so sure he was going to win. Cocky motherfucker.

“Heads up!” Chris shouted at us suddenly, making me jump slightly.

I looked at him with a deep frown just in time to see a can of beer flying towards my face. It was down to luck that it didn’t hit me in the face and I managed to catch it just in time.

Seconds later, another came hurtling towards us and Alex caught it. He stared at it with a blank expression, like he was wondering where it had come from or something. Then, he suddenly looked at me pleadingly, almost like he wanted me to snatch it off him.

“What? Just put it on the floor,” I shrugged, unsure what he really wanted me to do about it.

He put it on the ground without hesitating.

“Not a fan of beer anymore?” Shaun asked, raising his eyebrows at Alex’s reaction to a can of beer.

“I don’t drink anything alcoholic these days,” Alex informed him.

The two of them carried on talking about alcohol, but I suddenly lost focus on the conversation, because I spotted Lisa coming out of the tour bus.

I swear she hadn’t changed in appearance at all in four years. Even her style was the same;
I guess she's attractive in an obvious sort of way, but she does nothing for me personally. I never really connected with Lisa back in the days when ATL and JAI toured together. We just never had much in common, like her and Alex. The amount of stuff they had in common was just plain annoying. I was always left out of the conversations when they were together talking about art and shit.

I tried to mentally brace myself for Alex’s reaction when he laid eyes on her, but I still felt jealous when he looked at her with admiring eyes and smiled widely. If it was me he was smiling like that too, my knees would go weak. For sure.

Lisa returned the wide smile and came on over to us, throwing her arms around us both excitedly.

The hug was awkward; it was basically just a hug between Alex and Lisa where I was caught in the middle. Alex had his arms around Lisa and she had hers round both of us, but I didn’t know what to do with mine. They were half in the air, half to the side, half doing fuck knows what.

“Jack! Alex! It’s been too fucking long!” She enthused, finally letting us go.

I forced a smile and nodded half-heartedly.

“I know! Wow, you haven't changed much... You look amazing,” Alex complimented her straight away.

“Thanks! So do you,” she gushed. "Have you been working out?"

I had to down some of my beer quickly to stop myself from either gagging or snorting at that.

Seriously, what a line! Girls only use that when they’re trying to get in a guy’s pants… And plus, the idea alone of Alex working out is kinda hilarious.

“Oh, yeah... I like to keep in shape,” Alex beamed.

Like fuck does he work out!

I rolled my eyes discretely.

“How’s are the songs coming along?” Lisa asked Alex, and I felt like I had walked into a fucking time machine and gone back four years.

I felt invisible suddenly. I couldn’t join in with the conversation because art is not my thing. Quite frankly, it was boring standing there and listening to the two of them, so I decided to walk away, probably unnoticed by either of them.

Chris was stood a few meters away by himself, drinking his beer contently, so I headed over to talk to him. I remember I always got on best with Steve. We just had the same sense of humor.

“Hey, man,” I greeted half-heartedly.

“Oh, hey. How’s it going, Jack?” He asked.

“Alright, I suppose. How are you doing?" I replied, sounding rather uninterested. Because I was.

“Pretty good. But I think I’m going to be the only one in the band on the stage for the show at this rate,” he sighed, looking round at all his fellow band members deep in conversation with mine and frowning.

“Why? When do you go onstage?” I asked.

“In about 20 minutes. You should come watch us… or just me… play,” he invited.

I was amused by the mental image of just Steve standing alone on a stage playing guitar by himself. A one-man-band.

“Yeah, I will. I was always a fan of you guys,” I accepted politely.

“…That’s if these fuckers stop talking long enough to notice there are around 40,000 people waiting for us to play a show,” Steve muttered, rolling his eyes and looking at his watch again impatiently.

“Jesus, you’re the life and soul of the party, ain’t ya?” I smirked, sipping my beer casually.

“Well, I’m always the one who has to drag the rest of them onstage! Shaun and Kathy are never ready on time. And I know how desperate Lisa was tonight to see Alex again, so I doubt she’ll stop talking any time soon,” he rambled.

My heart dropped at the mention of Lisa and Alex. His words had only added to the worry I already felt but was trying to ignore about the whole situation.

“…Right, so I’ll round up Shaun and Kathy, who, no doubt, are nowhere near ready, and you can lead Lisa towards the stage,” Chris finished talking abruptly, and I realized I had completely tuned out of the conversation for a minute there.

Huh? At which point did I agree to be a fucking sheep-dog?

I didn’t particularly want to, but I nodded and headed back over to Alex and Lisa, who were still deep in conversation.

“So, what did you do after you found him cheating?” Alex was saying when I appeared at his side.

They were both so focused on the conversation that they didn’t acknowledge my return.

“I left him… I don’t take shit like that,” Lisa replied, shaking her head forcefully.

“What an asshole! So, you’re single now?” Alex questioned, sounding distinctly hopeful.

“Uh-huh.”

“Me too,” Alex told her, and they both smiled at each other.

Damn it. I was holding onto the hope that Lisa might still be in a relationship...

I cleared my throat loudly, causing them both to turn and look at me, noticing I was standing there for the first time.

“Oh, hey, Jack. What’s up?” Lisa asked brightly.

“Chris’s freaking out because you guys are meant to be onstage, like really soon,” I informed her in a flat tone of voice.

Lisa wheeled around and saw everyone walking off in the direction of the stage.

“Oh, okay. Well, let’s start walking. Are you guys coming to watch?”

“Oh yes. I wouldn’t miss this for the world,” Alex grinned.

I nodded wordlessly in agreement, dragging my feet as I walked, like a sulking child.

Notes

Song lyrics credit: Papa Roach