Jack POV

I was on the couch drifting in and out of consciousness in my drunken state, lying sleepily on Rian’s lap. But every time I closed my eyes, a repeat of everything that had happened between Alex and I this evening, combined with my own fucked up imagination, flashed in my mind. Every time I sleep, you're always there… And every time I would violently jerk awake again, desperate to escape the vivid images.

This seemed to be annoying Rian.

“Jesus, Jack, will you stop jumping like that? You keep scaring the living shit out of me,” he grumbled.

“Sorry,” I whispered drowsily, immediately falling into a semi-deep sleep again.

“Lex, don’t marry her… She’s lying to you,” I begged desperately.

He looked at me with eyes so cold and empty they froze my heart.

“When you’re addicted you’ll do anything to kick the habit,” he spoke quietly, sounding suddenly quite threatening.

I swallowed hard, taking a defiant step towards him.

“The day I stop loving you will be the day that I die,” I spoke in a trembling voice.

“Is that so?” He asked, his lips curling into the slightest of smiles.

And it wasn’t one of his smiles that made my knees go weak… It was one that invoked unease to creep up inside me.

All of a sudden, he quickly pulled out a small, shiny gun as if from thin air.

“Love is the addictive substance in your system, and this will make you hate me…” He told me confidently, pointing the gun square at my chest.

But hatred is not an emotion the dead can feel…

I opened my mouth to tell him this, but the words never came out of my mouth, because the bullet had already left the gun in his hand.

My eyes snapped open immediately and I sprang to life again, sitting bolt upright on the sofa. Rian jumped a mile out of his seat, clutching at his heart dramatically.

“What did I JUST say?” He demanded, looking at me in alarm.

“Alex’s trying to kill me!” I spluttered, breathing heavily.

Rian just stared at me in bewilderment for a moment, clearly wondering what I was on about.

“Uh, no… That’s not what I said,” he frowned, his eyes darting back and forth uncertainly.

“No, Alex just shot me!” I panted, panicking.

Rian continued to stare at me like I had lost my mind, but then suddenly his facial features transformed into a more neutral, rather unimpressed expression.

“Do you want me to call the police or…?” He asked sarcastically.

“Rian, this is serious! I just dreamt that Alex killed me!” I exclaimed, looking at him with wide, anxious eyes, searching for a reassuring explanation.

“Dude! It was a dream. He hasn’t really killed you… Chill the fuck out!” Rian replied, a little taken aback by my panicked outburst.

Okay, okay. I guess he’s right… I’m just bordering on the edge of insanity right now.

My breathing gradually returned to normal as I realised I was safe now… I was away from Alex and that gun.

Barely a few seconds passed before I felt myself swaying sideways as I tried to hold my heavy head up. It proved impossible; my head very quickly came into contact with Rian’s shoulder and my tired eyes fell shut as I drifted off to sleep again.

“Oh, Jack, you didn’t…” Rian gasped in horror.

“I had to!” I cried defensively, even though I didn’t really have a good excuse to justify my foolish actions. “I- I had to feel something.” Now the water's getting deep, I try to wash the pain away from me…

Rian groaned and shook his head slowly in disappointment. I knew I had let him down and I hated that.

Unexpectedly, he put his arms around me for the second time, pulling me into another much-needed friendly hug.

“You fucking idiot,” he murmured in my ear.

I agreed with him silently.

I didn’t want the hug to end. I liked being in his arms too much. But then, he very slowly pulled away, leaving me feeling cold and alone. I felt his piercing gaze on me, searching for my eyes. I surrendered and slowly lifted my gaze from the floor until my eyes locked with his.

He suddenly looked different… All I could see was a very strong resemblance to Alex, even more so than usual. He seemed to be half-Rian, half-Alex.

Confusion flooded through me as I tried to figure this fuckery out. Was I staring at Rian or Alex? Rian can’t have just morphed into Alex… Can he? You're in everyone I see. This is insanity.

I continued to stare in amazement at one of the Dawson/Gaskarth brothers, suddenly unsure which one. And then, before I knew what was happening, he was leaning towards me, luring me in with intense-staring eyes… Eyes that I could never deny.

I mirrored his actions and within seconds I felt his shallow breath against my awaiting lips. He slowly brushed his lips against mine, starting a fire of passion inside of me. I kissed him with more force, throwing my arms around his neck. He wrapped his arms around me too and my heart started racing at an increasing rate, fluttering in excitement. The kiss felt so right… So perfect…

I awoke immediately, erasing the image of me kissing Rian… Or was it Alex? You’re everywhere to me.

My heart was pounding hard and fast in my chest, but I managed to remain relatively calm and not make any sudden movements… Right up until the second I realised I was lying with my arms wrapped around Rian and his around me... Just like they were in my dream.

I inhaled sharply and jolted vigorously in surprise, instantly breaking free of the embrace me and Rian were in to sit up straight again.

“Oh, for the love of God, Jack!” Rian groaned loudly, putting his hands over his eyes.

I just stared at him in confusion as my head filled with silent questions.

Why did I just dream about kissing him? Was it even him? …Or was it Alex? What does this mean? Do I secretly want to kiss Rian? What the fuck is going on?!

Rian suddenly reappeared from behind his hands to find me staring at him with a deep frown on my face. He recoiled slightly.

“...the fuck are you staring at?” He demanded, frowning back at me.

I mentally shook myself out of my mini-trance and refocused my gaze to my hands; I noticed for the first time that the one I had sliced open with the glass was covered in bandages that had blood seeping through them. I assumed Rian had put them on me, but I had no recollection of that happening whatsoever.

“I just had a weird dream,” I muttered vaguely, reliving the dream-kiss instinctively and getting a sudden urge to kiss Rian now to compare the kisses.

“Let me guess… Robbie killed you?” He assumed light-heartedly, blissfully clueless to the thoughts running through my head.

“Nope. You kissed me,” I retorted bluntly.

Rian didn’t seem to know how to react to that. He frowned uncertainly at me first, then snorted in amusement.

"Dear God."

“Well, it might not have been you…” I continued thoughtfully. “I’m having a hard time deciding whether it was you or… you know. him.”

I found it easier to refer to Alex as him for some reason. I didn’t want to mention his name.

Rian frowned at me again and sighed noisily.

“Dude, you have really weird dreams,” he informed me with a shrug.

“I realise that. What do you think it means?” I asked curiously.

He shrugged again.

“Right. Thanks for the help, Ri.” I rolled my eyes at him and he grinned at me.

“Maybe it means you want my sexy ass,” he suggested smugly.

“Maybe it does,” I agreed in a completely serious tone.

He looked at me with wide eyes, probably wondering why I was being serous when he was only joking.

“Well, I don’t think Cassadee will be very happy. You know my sexy ass belongs to her,” he told me, chuckling nervously.

Wow, I completely forgot he was dating to Cassadee. It’s amazing what you forget about everyone’s life back home when you’re on the road. Maybe it’s because I don’t have a life of my own outside of the band, so I just assume the others don’t either… But, in fact, everyone has a partner except me.

“That’s too bad. I really want to kiss you now,” I confessed my urge shamelessly.

Alcohol in my system always gives me confidence in these situations.

“Dude, what?”

“I just want to check something!” I explained quickly, staring at Rian’s lips hungrily.

I just needed to find out if kissing him makes my heart flutter the way it did in my dream, and the way it does when I kiss Alex… You can tell a lot by the way your heartbeat changes pattern. I recognise the way you make me feel.

“Well, I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little freaked out right now, Jack,” he stated, chewing his bottom lip in exactly the same way Alex always does.

I never realised how similar they actually are…

My urge to kiss Rian got a hundred times stronger with this realisation.

“Come on, Rian, I just need to know if the person I kissed was you or Alex,” I whined, leaning towards him and looking at him with big, pleading eyes.

“Jack, it was a DREAM!” He pointed out in a panic.

“Yes, but that’s not the point! I shouldn’t be dreaming about kissing you! I’m fucking confused, man,” I sighed, leaning back against the sofa in defeat.

“Jack, I’m sure it doesn’t mean anything…“ He started to try and reassure me.

He failed, because I was feeling too stubborn to feel reassured.

“Dreams are usually our deepest fears or desires, dude,” I spoke matter-of-factly.

“Yeah, well, maybe you’re scared of me… I’m pretty fucking scared of you right now,” he muttered.

I smirked, shaking my head at him.

“I don’t know. I need to figure this shit out.”

There was a brief, uncomfortable silence which Rian eventually surrendered to and decided to break.

“And you think kissing me will make it all become clear?” He sounded apprehensive.

“Yes, I do,” I mumbled, staring at my hands again to avoid his analytical eyes.

There was another short pause in which we were completely consumed by silence. But then, finally, Rian heaved a noisy sigh.

“Fine.”

I raised my gaze to peer at him through my lashes.

“Fine?” I repeated, arching an eyebrow.

He nodded hesitantly.

“Kiss me,” he ordered half-heartedly, causing me to raise my eyebrows in surprise.

"Really?" I asked, sitting up straight on the sofa, a little too eagerly.

“Uh, yeah. But don’t tell anyone about this… Okay?”

I nodded enthusiastically.

“It will be our little secret,” I assured him, pretending to seal my lips with my hand and throw away the key.

I'm used to being a fucking secret-keeper, after all.

“Okay, uh… Yeah... Here goes…” Rian trailed off awkwardly, starting to lean towards me, just like the person in my dream.

I closed my eyes slowly and puckered up, waiting for his lips to meet mine for the first time.
But they didn’t.

“I- I’ve never kissed a guy before,” Rian suddenly confessed.

I blinked my eyes open to find him staring at the floor like he was ashamed.

“Okay... Well, it’s just the same as kissing a girl, man,” I shrugged, confused about what the problem was.

“Yeah, but… weirder,” he murmured.

I rolled my eyes.

“It’s not weird,” I disagreed impatiently, moving closer to him until my lips were only inches away from his again. “Come on. Shut up and kiss me.”

He swallowed nervously, but moved forward slowly a fraction of an inch. Suddenly, his lips brushed against mine lightly in almost exactly the same way the kiss started in my dream. I let my eyelids flutter shut again. When I close my eyes it's you I see…

Suddenly our lips collided with more force and I wasted no time in tracing my tongue along his bottom lip, begging for entry. I could feel the reluctance and hesitance on his part, but eventually he let my tongue in to glide over his.

But there was something different about this kiss. It didn’t feel right. All of a sudden, the thought of kissing Alex shot through my mind like a bullet and a realisation struck me: I wanted to be kissing him, not Rian

I only had the urge to kiss Rian in the first place, because I thought it would be like kissing Alex... But it wasn’t the same at all. My heart was not stuttering in my chest and thumping dramatically like it was trying to escape, like it did every time I kissed Alex.

The kiss didn’t last long before I suddenly tore my lips away from his and pushed a relieved Rian away. I sighed in relief myself, knowing that I didn’t have feelings for Rian after all.

“Well?” He demanded after a few seconds silence.

“That was fucking weird,” I giggled, leaning back on the sofa casually.

“I told you!” He exclaimed, and I grinned at him.

“Okay, I gotta ask… Am I a better kisser than Alex?” He suddenly enquired.

Oh man. Why has he got to ask that?!

“Uh… You’re about the same…” I answered hesitantly.

Honestly? No.

Rian narrowed his eyes at me. “You’re lying, aren’t you?”

Fucking mind-reader...

“Well, I think it’s best that I don’t answer that question because I’m a little bias when it comes to this, being in love with him and everything!” I defended lightly.

“Yeah, okay, whatever. I’m just glad you’re not in love with me,” Rian smirked.

“Yeah… That could complicate shit,” I agreed.

“That kiss could complicate shit if anyone found out,” Rian emphasised.

I couldn’t stop my mind wandering into the forbidden realms of thinking of Alex again. What would he say if he knew I had kissed… well basically his brother? Would he care? Would he hate me even more?

All of a sudden, Rian screwed up his face and starting shaking his head slowly.

“Dear God, don't ever tell Alex!” He groaned.

What the fuck? Stop reading my mind!

Or, I guess Rian is just on the same brain wavelength as me, because if he could really read my mind he would know I would never actually say a word about this to Alex. I’m not a fucking idiot.

Suddenly, the tour bus front door slammed shut, causing both me and Rian to jump in shock. I froze in panic, holding my breath and waiting for an explanation.

“Don’t tell me what?” A sharp voice that belonged to neither me nor Rian suddenly demanded, causing my fragile heart to miss a dangerous amount of beats.

Shit.

Notes

If anyone wants to know why i keep referring Alex as Rian's basically brother. Its because in this story, when Tom died (Alex real brother) Rian basically took him in and treated him like a brother, they lived together and stuff. So its like the are basically related., sometimes they forget that they are not actually brothers. so that's the story behind that.
Small little filler, i really had no idea what i was going to right about because i have such writers block right now. and times 30 writers block on my other story... give me time, ill real this story back into the amazing plot i set up in the beginning... I'm also watching football.. Baltimore Ravens VS Pittsburgh Sealers...... Baltimore Ravens are losing.....
Also please make sure to rate and vote on this story!! please!!

Song: Yellowcard