Jack POV

“Jack? Are you out here?”

I dropped the glass in my hand immediately as the deep wound tore open on my arm (still, I felt nothing). I remained frozen to the spot, knelt on the floor desperately trying to hide my bleeding arm and hand. To hide myself. I wanted so badly to be invisible in that moment; for the ground to swallow me up and never spit me out.

I couldn’t see through the darkness, but I didn’t need to see to know the concerned voice belonged to Rian. Disappointment stabbed me in the gut… Part of me really thought Alex had come back for me.

Why did I even get my hopes up?

I figured that it was dark enough for me to hide from Rian, so I didn’t make a sound. Much to my dismay, Rian continued to search the stage for me. He knew I was out here somehow.

“Leave m-me alone,” I managed to choke out in a strangled voice.

I want to drown myself in misery tonight in peace.
“What are you doing out here?” He asked in a deeply concerned voice, ignoring my desperate plea.

He sounded a lot closer than before… He was getting nearer to me. My short-lived hope that the darkness would save me from confrontation was fading fast.

I tried to get a grip and pull myself together, wiping the tears from my eyes impatiently. I forgot, however, that my hand was covered in blood, and I foolishly stained my cheeks with blood as well as tears. I sighed in defeat, giving up trying to make myself look any better… I couldn’t look more of a state if I fucking tried.

“I’m celebrating,” I replied sarcastically in a trembling voice.

There was a brief silence, and then I heard Rian sigh heavily. Suddenly, I could see his faint outline a mere few metres away from me.

“Are you okay?” He asked apprehensively.

What a fucking question!

“No!” I admitted, sobbing pathetically.

“Oh, Jack… I’m so sorry, dude,” Rian spoke gently, coming closer to me still.

“No, s-stop… There’s glass on the floor,” I warned him half-heartedly, holding out my hand instinctively to stop him walking on it.

“Wha- Why is there glass on the floor? And why the fuck are you sat in it?” He demanded in exasperation, treading carefully to come and stand by my side, once again, not listening to my warning.

“Um… Bottle smashed… I fell,” I replied hesitantly.

Well, it’s almost the truth. The bottle did smash... After I threw it. And I did fall... After Alex punched me. Now I’m so broken that I can’t get up.

Rian suddenly found my outstretched hand that I was holding out solely to stop him coming towards me and he grasped it tightly. I think he was going to try and help me get up… The problem was, I had thoughtlessly extended my hand that was covered in blood.

I inhaled sharply and snatched my sore hand out of his clutch immediately.

Okay, I felt that. That stung like a motherbitch.

“Holy shit, you’re bleeding!” Rian gasped in a panic, like it was something I hadn’t realised. “What the fuck happened?”

Well, I went against everything we stand for as a band and I purposefully tried to hurt myself…

“I told you… I fell on the glass,” I snapped, feeling suddenly very short-tempered. But it was myself I was angry at really, not Rian.

“Alex was just out here… Did something happen between the two of you?” Rian questioned hesitantly.

Of course something happened. There’s always fucking drama happening between us!

“It- it was nothing,” I stammered pathetically in my quivering voice.

“Yeah, right,” Rian scoffed.

It was no surprise that he didn’t believe me. I wasn’t being very convincing.

Suddenly, he knelt down on the floor very close beside me, inspecting me. I automatically tried to hide behind my fringe in shame, avoiding eye contact.

“Oh Jesus, you’re a mess, Jack,” he whispered to me.

Yes, I am. What was he expecting?

I sniffed loudly in response, wiping the few remaining tears that were rolling down my cheeks with my sleeve. I tried to regain composure, but just as I was almost getting it together, Rian pulled me into a big hug and I broke down again.

He hugged me tightly, but I didn’t hug him back. I just sat there in a heap. I knew if I put my arms around him he would get covered in blood. Besides, my arms felt too heavy to lift up all of a sudden, as if concrete was filling my veins.

“Did you and Alex have a fight?” Rian asked slowly, letting go of me and leaning back to look me in the eye.

This time I held the contact for a moment.

“Not exactly,” I mumbled. “He ran away before I had a chance to punch him back.”

Rian inhaled sharply and looked at me in horror with his eyes wide and mouth half open.

“He punched you?”

So much for being anti-violent, eh?

The ironic thing is I'm actually anti-violent myself and the only time I've ever resorted to violence was to defend Alex when a bunch of assholes were kicking the shit out of him once.

I nodded weakly, afraid to look Rian in the eye again. He looked fucking menacing.

“Oh, I’m going to go and give him a fucking piece of my mind!” He growled furiously, starting to get up.

He was literally going to leave me out here alone to go and cause a scene at his friend’s wedding… I couldn’t allow that.

“I deserved it,” I mumbled, grabbing his arm and pulling him back.

He froze immediately.

“Why?”

I remained silent and tried to avoid the question as well as his gaze, but it didn’t last long… He was persistent.

“What did you do, Jack?”

I heaved a shaky sigh, my shoulders rising and falling dramatically.

“Something stupid,” I replied quietly, feeling guilt suffocate me as I thought about what I had actually done.

Is it right that I feel bad about this? I don’t know whether I should ignore the guilt or embrace it...

“Oh God… What did you do? Did you try to kiss him?” Rian guessed apprehensively.

Trust me, there are worst things I could do than that... And I did them.

“No… Actually, yes… But no, that’s not why he punched me,” I replied ambiguously.

Rian ran his fingers through his stubby hair, sighing heavily, but he didn’t push me for more answers. He must have known that I would tell him eventually, though it wasn’t easy for me to admit. He seemed to just be bracing himself for the truth.

“I… I tried to make him drink alcohol, and well... I said… I liked him better when he was an alcoholic,” I finally confessed, hanging my head in shame.

Rian groaned and ran his hand down the side of his face in distress.

“Why would you do that?!”

I wanted to hurt him like he had hurt me. You made me want you oh-so-bad it hurt...

“Because I’m a pathetic excuse for a friend,” I murmured, repeating Alex’s words that were forever engraved in my mind. “And also, I’m pretty fucking wasted right now.” I still taste it on my tongue.

“Oh, Jack…” Rian sighed, clearly disappointed in me.

Things were quiet between us for a few long seconds. Neither of us could think of what else to say apparently. But there was something I couldn’t stop thinking about; it was already weighing on my mind...

“He’ll never forgive me for this. I think our friendship is well and truly ruined now.”

I’ll love you forever, but now it’s over.

The sadness in my voice was distinct, but I didn’t cry. The tears refused to fall down my pained face any more. I had cried all that I could.

Rian shook his head slowly, but I noticed he wasn’t looking me in the eye anymore.

“This will all blow over,” he tried to comfort me. I didn’t feel comforted, because I wasn’t naïve enough to believe what he was telling me. “He will forgive you one day.”

I won’t count on it.

“But… I don’t know if I can ever forgive him,” I replied bitterly.

He married her.

The consequence of his actions tonight will forever continue to haunt me. The bruise on my face from the his punch will fade in a few days, but the scars inside me will always remain. I will never forget.

Rian put a comforting hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently.

“Dude, I know you’re devastated, but you and Alex need to find a way to get past this shit… Otherwise, how are we gonna continue with All Time Low?” He asked, staring at me intently.

“If we can’t get past this shit, there is no other way Rian. The band is finished,” I half-shrugged, causing Rian’s hand to fall off of my shoulder.

Once again, everything was silent between us. I think he was slightly taken aback by the way I had basically said the band was destined to fail, because I sounded like I didn’t even care. But that was the problem… I didn’t care. I didn’t even particularly want to continue with ATL… Say hello to goodbye.

The only noise was the faint music and voices drifting on the late night breeze for a while. But then Rian finally broke his silence and randomly asked me, “Did you do that to yourself?”

I looked up, confused, to see him nod towards my blood-covered arm and hands. Realising what he was referring to, I tried to pretend not to hear and ignore his question… But he took my silence to mean the truth: yes.

“Oh, Jack, you didn’t!” He cried in exasperation.

“I had to!” I blurted out lamely. “Alright? I- I had to feel something…”

My voice was breaking again. Fuck.

Rian started shaking his head slowly, clearly disappointed in me again, and I felt the guilt stabbing me in the gut again. I hated letting him down.

Then, unexpectedly, he threw his arms around me for the second time and pulled me into another much-needed, friendly hug.

“You fucking idiot,” he murmured in my ear. I nodded my head in ashamed agreement. "Please realise that he's not worth hurting yourself over. We tell our fans not to hurt themselves. Alex is not worth this."

Oh, but he is. He's a professional heartbreaker and I need some sort of release from the pain he causes me... I need to cause it myself.

Rian's words triggered a flashback to words that had come from Alex's own lips once onstage when he was talking to the fans: "No fan of mine will kill themselves.”

everything special Alex and I once had is now nothing. Everything that we had didn't mean a thing to you. So is it worth it?

I feel nothing... That's why I am hurting myself.

“Maybe I should take you back to the tour bus,” Rian suddenly muttered, pulling away from the hug.

When did he become my fucking guide dog?

“I’m a big boy, Rian. I can take care of myself,” I protested touchily.

He frowned at me sceptically.

“I’d be more convinced if you weren’t fucking wasted and covered in blood.”

Hmm… I guess I’m not currently in the best condition to make that statement seem convincing.

Rian stood up slowly, managing to avoid the glass sprinkled all on the floor, and then he reached down and practically lifted me to my feet, because I was incapable of doing so myself. On my feet, I felt like the world was spinning... I was on a fucking roundabout and I couldn't get off.

“Rian, go and enjoy Alex’s wedding party he’s practically your brother. I’ll be fine,” I half-heartedly attempted to reassure him and myself. But at that moment, I accidentally fell forward, losing my balance. (Perfect timing, that...)

Luckily, Rian caught me just before I fell face first in the pile of shattered glass.

“If you think I’m leaving you alone in the state you’re in, you’re fucking insane, Jack,” he muttered, putting his arm around my waist to support me and keep me remaining upright.

I sighed and gave up trying to fight a lost battle and let him escort me back to the tour bus through the pitch-black, eerie fields. I was suddenly grateful he was with me, because I realised I would have totally gotten lost on my own.

Rian is a good friend to me. Better than Alex. All the bullshit you put me through… Alex doesn’t know the meaning of ‘friend’, let’s face it. He’s been using me for his own entertainment these past few weeks. And tonight he chose to trust Lisa over me when he’s known me for 6+ years and she has been back in his life for a few weeks. Why the fuck didn’t he listen to me?

I'm starting to think I fell in love with the wrong fucking Band member! All the time I wasted on you…

Too bad Rian’s not gay. And I do not like him as more than a friend. And I will always love Alex. I used to be love drunk, but now I’m hungover. I'll love you forever, but now I’m sober.

Notes

Drunk Jack is a gay Jack? I am sorry for this sloppy chapter, i have had such writers block recently
Song credit: Boys Like Girls