Jack POV

"I now pronounce you husband and wife... You may kiss the bride."

The place erupted with applause as Alex and Lisa sealed the deal with the Devil by kissing. But I didn’t cheer; I just stood at the side of the room by myself. I’d never felt so out of place... So completely alone.

I watched in burning hatred and jealousy as Alex and Lisa broke apart. Immediately, his eyes locked with mine across the room once again.

How can you fucking look me in the eye?

I wanted to look away, but I found myself transfixed. My emotions threatened to rip through me and tear me apart… I felt so angry, so cold, so hurt, so empty, so fucking broken.

I noticed that there was something swimming in his eyes… But I couldn’t quite identify the emotion. Remorse? Sympathy? Guilt? Shame? Well, it’s too late for any of that, Alex. Don’t bother, Angel. You've made your bed now, so sleep in it. Go to sleep with the pressure of everyone…

Alex was forced to break the eye contact as loads of people surrounded him and Lisa, patting them on the back and hugging them. I took my chance to get away while he was distracted, turning to leave. But just as I was about to go, something in the corner of the room caught my eye: a deserted table of beverages, occupied with countless bottles of alcohol. My eye was drawn straight to the bottle of vodka in the middle.

I glanced around the room to check no one was watching me, but of course no one was, they were all too busy celebrating the marriage. Well, I was going to celebrate too, in my own slightly different way.

I snuck over to the table whilst everyone's backs were turned and grabbed the vodka without hesitating. I grasped it firmly in my hand and ran for the nearest exit, smirking to myself at the ‘celebration party’ I was going to have, just me and the alcohol. I planned to get so fucking wasted that I would forget all about Alex, love, hate, pain, lies… Everything.

A wave of relief washed over me as soon as I escaped the crowded room and stepped foot outside. However, the relief soon faded when I walked for a few metres and realised I had made a quick escape through the wrong fucking door… I'd taken the stage exit again for the second time this evening. Once again, I was alone on the vast, isolated stage.

I had a short, silent debate with myself whether to go back inside and go out the right door, and then go straight back to the tour bus... But then an appealing thought occurred to me: I could stay here all night and no one would find me. Hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens.

I decided to stay where I was because I desperately needed to be alone. It’s not an easy thing to pretend your whole world hasn’t just fallen apart and keep trying to hide all emotion on your face that threatens to give the truth away. I didn't need anyone's company right now.

I took several heavy steps across the dark stage and finally collapsed on the edge once again, letting my feet hang off the side. I wasted no time in opening the vodka and bringing it to my lips. I sat there and drank mindlessly, desperate to fill the void that Alex had ripped open inside of me. I really shouldn't have let him use my heart as a lethal weapon against me...

Minutes passed of knocking back the vodka as fast as I could, and it quickly started taking its effect on me. I felt rather light-headed and everything looked a bit out of proportion, but I kept drinking; I wasn’t drunk or numb enough for my liking, because the thought alone of Alex being married still cut like a knife.

As I drank, I thought of the first time I met Alex. He intrigued me... He was so different to anyone else I had ever met. So charmingly awkward. Just one crooked smile from him was enough to make me go weak in the knees.

I should have known from the start that I was completely mad about him, and I should have told him about my feelings sooner… Before Lisa even came into the picture… And then this never would have happened; things never would have turned out like this.

What kills me the most is that he feels the same about me and I still can’t have him. I’ve got to get over him… But how the fuck am I supposed to do that?

All of a sudden, my depressing thoughts and memories were invaded by footsteps coming closer, out of the shadows behind me. I glanced over my shoulder, squinting my eyes to see through the darkness, but it made no difference; I still couldn’t see a thing.

“Jack?” A familiar voice suddenly called through the obscurity, causing my traitor heart to skip inside my chest excitedly.

There's only one person who can cause my heart to miss a beat by just the sound of their voice… For this simple reason I just need to keep you in mind as something larger than life.

I threw more of the vodka down my throat instinctively as my brain paced, wondering what he wanted and how he found me out here.

Why can’t you just leave me alone?

My chest was tight and my voice was trapped in the back of my throat, reluctant to reply.

Seconds passed, and when he got no answer he hesitantly came closer, until he was suddenly sat down right next to me on the edge of the stage.

I started trembling, because we were sat so close that our shoulders were touching. I wanted to move away, but I physically didn’t have the strength, because somewhere deep inside, I still wanted to be as near to him as possible.

“I am sorry, Jacky,” he finally sighed heavily.

Sorry doesn’t make you mine, does it? I stay wrecked and jealous for this.

I exhaled slowly, but didn’t reply; my voice was still trapped. I didn’t turn to look at him either, even though I could feel his analytical eyes on my face.

Everything was awkwardly silent between us for what seemed like minutes on end. I was hoping he might take the hint that I didn’t accept his apology and go away, but then suddenly, he spoke up again.

“So, now you’re ignoring me?”

What the fuck did you expect?

I shrugged my shoulders slightly, and even if Alex couldn’t see me, he must have been able to feel me, because he was sat so damn close.

“I wish you could just be happy for me.” He let out another sigh.

I love Alex. He says he loves me. He married Lisa. She’s a liar. She'll destroy us all before she's through and find a way to blame somebody else…

Which part of that am I supposed to be ecstatic about?

“Fuck off,” I said sharply, suddenly finding my voice. The anger was simmering in my veins and I couldn't bite my tongue anymore. “Are you fucking happy with yourself?”

Alex flinched slightly, obviously taken aback by my angry outburst.

“Uh, yeah, I am. This is exactly what I need… To settle down and start a family with someone I love,” he retorted boldly, looking away from my face for a moment to stare out into the dark field of nothingness.

Oh, rub it in my fucking face, why don’t you…

“Oh, congratulations,” I scoffed sarcastically, bringing the vodka to my lips again and starting to drink absent-mindedly.

“Look, Jack, I…” he began, sounding fed-up, but his voice faded away and his eyes were burning into me again. “Are you drinking?” His tone was one of disbelief.

Oh yeah, I forgot I'm sat next to a fucking alcohol-nazi…

“Yep,” I answered nonchalantly, continuing to knock back the vodka, unphased.

“Uh, I thought I made my feelings about you drinking very clear,” he spoke flatly.

...And what makes you think you're the fucking boss of me?

“And I thought I made my feelings about Lisa very clear. But hey! You didn’t listen to me, so why the fuck should I listen to you?” I demanded, my words coming out a little slurred.

I finally turned to face him and I found that my face was only torturous inches away from his. I actually went a bit cross-eyed and my vision distorted, because of how close he was to me. Or maybe that was because of how drunk I was.

“And let’s be honest, yeah, lectures on alcohol are a bit fucking hypocritical coming from you,” I growled, not giving him a chance to respond.

Almost as hypocritical as Alex having the nerve to say to me “don’t do anything stupid” and then he goes and marries someone he’s known properly for a few weeks. Because that's obviously a genius idea.

“Oh for fuck sake, I’m just worried about you! If you’re not careful, you’re gonna go the same way I did… Straight to rock bottom,” he retorted gravely, shuddering at the memory.

“Oh, baby, I’m already there.” I replied drunkenly.

All of this was all your fault.

He opened his mouth to respond, but then seemed to think better of it, snapping his mouth shut again. We sat there facing eachother in heated silence.

Then suddenly, he recoiled away from me slightly. (About fucking time. He was practically sitting on my lap.)

“How much have you had to drink? You fucking stink of vodka,” he cried, putting a hand over his mouth dramatically.

“Oh, I'm sorry, is it tempting you?” I smirked devilishly, leaning towards Alex, going in for the kill. Or, rather, the kiss. “Do you want a little taste?”

Immediately, I felt hands roughly pushing me back.

“Get away from me, Jack,” he growled angrily.

I snapped my eyes open and the first thing I noticed were his clenched fists, which are usually a clear sign that he is fighting an urge.

Oh, I’m going to take advantage of this.

“I won’t tell,” I whispered, lifting the bottle up to my mouth and tracing my lips over it seductively.

He rolled his eyes.

“You've had too much to drink,” he declared, shaking his head in disappointment.

I tipped the bottle up, downing some more, just for the laughs, and then tore it away from my lips, holding it in front of Alex’s face.

“This's only my first bottle… Okaayy?” I gave him a drunken, lopsided smile.

He shook his head vigorously.

“No, not okay! Give me that,” he snapped, snatching the nearly empty bottle right out of my hand and holding it up out of my reach.

"Heyyyy!"

I leant across him, arms outstretched to try and get it back, but he shoved me off of him forcefully and climbed to his feet, trying to get the bottle out of my reach.
Alex… I am taller than you, all I have to do is reach up.

I tried to climb to my feet too, but I lost my balance and ended up falling sideways. He just stood over me, making no attempt to help me get up.

“You’re completely fucked,” he spoke flatly. “And you promised me you wouldn’t do anything stupid.”

“Wait! This is what you meant by stupid?” I asked, looking up at him with a frown on my face. “Uhhh, I wasn’t promising you I wouldn’t drink again... I was promising not to, like, fucking kill myself!”

I started trying to get up again, dragging my heavy body up off the floor. I was struggling, but still, Alex offered me no help. Finally, somehow, I managed to clamber to my feet without his helping hand.

Immediately, my head felt dizzy as I stood there swaying on the spot, unsteady on my feet. Everything seemed to be spinning, but I was determined to remain standing and keep my balance. I realised at that moment just how drunk I actually was.

“Well, suicide and drinking heavily are both in the stupid category,” Alex told me matter-of-factly.

As if there's a fucking list titled 'The Stupid Category'... If there was, I know who would be at the top.

“You’re in the stupid category,” I voiced my thoughts aloud. “But I bet you weren’t counting yourself when you told me not to do anything stupid. Hmm?”

My mood was all over the place. I'd gone from being upset, to angry, to determined to piss Alex off in the space of about two minutes.

“What? Now you’re just talking shit,” Alex snapped obnoxiously.

Well, I’m drunk, what’s your excuse?

“No, no, it’s true! You’re stupid 'cause you married Lisa. And I know you’d let me ‘do’ you, so you should be more specific when you say 'anything stupid',” I smirked, amused at my own farfetched logic.

Alex, however, was not so amused.

“I’m not stupid, Jack, fuck you!” He huffed defensively. “And no, actually, I wouldn’t let you 'do' me now that I’m fucking married!”

“Haa! You’ll never be able to stay loyal to her forever,” I scoffed. I know exactly what goes on. “I know you, Alex, and I know you’ll come crawling back to me eventually… You always do. You’ll try to get me into bed and tell me you love me again…” I know you well enough to know you never loved me. “…And I won't let you,” I finished abruptly.

I could feel Alex’s angry, narrowed eyes glaring straight at me through the darkness, but I chose to focus on the darkness surrounding the fields and the stage.

“That's not going to happen. I swear to God, I’m changing my ways," he defended strongly. "But don’t kid yourself, Jack, because if it ever did happen, we both know you'd totally let me have my way with you,” he added, sneering coldly.

Anger began building up inside of me again, temporarily overriding the other emotions. I changed my focus back to glare at Alex.

“Oh get over yourself,” I spat, rolling my eyes. “I can resist you if I want to. It’s you who can’t resist me, because you’re addicted to me and that’s never. going. to. change.” I spoke the last four words very slowly through gritted teeth for a bigger impact.

“It will. One day. I'm just going to have to stay away from you until it does,” he replied bluntly.

Avoidance is his fucking speciality... I'm used to it. Everything you’ll get is everything you’ve wanted, Princess… Well, which would you prefer: my finger on the trigger, or me face down, down across your floor?

“Forget about me all you want, just know that my feelings for you will never completely go away,” I told him plainly, suddenly feeling sad again.

There was a brief pause as we stood in silence, then Alex sighed heavily.

“You'll move on one day, Jack... You'll find someone. Someone who loves you and treats you the way you deserve to be treated.”

Will I? I don’t see that happening any time soon.

"I don't want to move on. I want the same thing I've always wanted, and will ever want... You. If I can't have you, I don't want anyone," I poured my broken heart out, my eyes tearing up.

Alex's eyes were glistening with tears too. He couldn't even look me in the eye for very long; he had to drop his gaze to the floor, overcome with guilt.

I realised he does still care about me…. But how much? I will never ask if you don't ever tell me.
“I... should go back inside,” he mumbled, inhaling slowly and straightening his shoulders, brushing the weight of the world off of them.

He turned to leave and my heart skipped a desperate beat… I didn’t want him to leave, because I knew we would never talk like this again. We would never be the same.

“Aw, come on, Lex, don't go. You can't just leave me out here all alone,” I whined, grabbing his arm.

He looked at my hand on his arm for a thoughtful moment before shaking off my feeble hold on him.

“It’s time I got back to Lisa,” he replied stiffly.

As he started to walk away, I felt a sense of emptiness taking over everything and drowning me. I needed to fill the void that Alex continues to rip deep inside of me… Desperately needed to drink the pain away again…

“Wait!” I called loudly, running after him.

He stopped walking when I caught up with him and exhaled noisily.

“What now?”

“Vodka,” I requested flatly, holding out my hand for the bottle in Alex’s hand that he had taken from me.

“Uh, fuck no,” he denied shortly, shaking his head stubbornly.

“Alex, give me the fucking vodka. It's the least you could do after all the shit you've put me through,” I told him irately.

“The least I could do? What, let you fucking drink yourself into an early grave? Yeah, I don't think so, Jack,” he denied, shaking his head in disapproval. “You’ve already had too much. You should just go back to the tour bus and get some sleep now.”

I refused to listen to his rant. The only thing I regret is that I never let you hold me back…

The anger seared through my veins but I fought the initial animalistic urge to get my drink off of him using force and decided instead to get it back by using reverse psychology and messing with his head.

“Actually, you should keep it,” I agreed slowly. “It’s about time you had another drink.”

I almost couldn’t believe the words had come out of my mouth. I didn’t sound like me at all… I didn’t even feel like me anymore.

“W-what?” Alex questioned in disbelief.

“Yeah, you need to loosen up a bit, man,” I shrugged. “Go for it. One little drink won’t do you any harm.”

The words were so alien to me that they seemed distant, like they came from someone else. But they didn’t... They were my words. They say words are the worst weapon a person can have... Mine definitely are right now.

Alex stared at me with his mouth half-open in shock for a few seconds, before snapping it shut.

“Fuck you,” he retorted through gritted teeth, anger obviously replacing the shock inside of him. “You know better than anyone that the second alcohol passes my lips again is the second I lose everything.”

Oh well. Welcome to my life. I’ve already lost everything I ever wanted.

“Well, you know what? I liked you better when you were a fucking alcoholic,” I blurted out spitefully in a moment of mindless frustration.

Selfishly, the only thing I could think was 'at least when you were an alcoholic you never hurt me like this.'

I realised as soon as the words left my mouth that I had crossed a line. I knew it was a sensitive subject to Alex, so I wasn’t totally surprised when he flinched at my words and just stared at me with a look of disbelief and… hurt.

But I barely noticed the abrupt transformation from the pained expression on Alex’s beautiful face to one of rage. It was so sudden that I didn’t even have time to brace myself for the collision of his fist with the side of my face. I definitely did not see that one coming.

The force of his punch made me stagger backwards, losing my balance and ending up on the floor. Disorientated, my hand clutched my throbbing cheek and I looked up at Alex wearing my own expression of incredulity.

“What the fuck?” I demanded in a strangled voice.

The punch itself didn’t hurt too much; the fact that he had punched me hurt me so much more. His emotional damage has a much bigger impact than any physical damage he inflicts on me.

“Fuck you. I liked you better when you weren’t such a pathetic excuse for a friend,” he spat at me, shooting daggers at me with his eyes and wearing a look of disgust upon his face.

His words and the way he looked at me caused the worst pain of all… They cut me like a fucking lethal knife.

“Here. Have your fucking alcohol if it means that much to you,” he added in a snarl, tossing the bottle on the ground next to me. “It obviously means more to you than me.”

He had clearly given up on me now. He didn't care anymore.

He abruptly turned his back on me and walked away. I was almost glad, because it meant I didn’t have to see the repulsed look on his face any longer. But the tears that were suddenly stinging my eyes told me that my happiness was not real at all.

The backstage door opened as Alex stormed through it, and light momentarily filled the empty stage. Seconds later the door was slammed shut and darkness consumed me once again.

Moments passed, and I stayed on the floor, paralysed in shock, just waiting for Alex to come back... This all was only wishful thinking…But of course he didn’t. And I didn’t blame him. Something told me this time he would never come running back.

“You love him and now he hates you… Well done, you pathetic fuck-up,” a voice snarled inside my mind, and a single tear spilled down my numb cheek where Alex had hit me.

“Well, who the fuck needs him anyway?” a second voice inside my head tried to comfort me.

It didn’t work, because I knew the answer to my own rhetorical question: Me. I need him. Desperately.

My whole body started trembling and my breathing became shallower as the harsh reality of the situation echoed inside my mind, torturing me slowly...

He hates me. I've ruined everything. He will never be mine.

All of a sudden, something inside of me snapped and I couldn’t stand the pain inside any longer. I grabbed the useless bottle that had played a part in ruining mine and Alex’s friendship and threw it at the floor with as much force as I could muster. The weak glass instantly shattered into pieces before my eyes, just like my fragile, broken heart.

I was desperate to feel a different kind of pain… Something that wasn’t inflicted on me by my best friend… So, I crawled over to the pile of broken, razor-sharp glass on the floor and picked up the first shard I could find. I clenched it as tightly as I could in my hand, tearing open the skin of the palm of my hand.

Tears leaked from my eyes and stained my cheeks, but they were nothing to do with the pain I was desperately trying to cause myself… I wouldn’t have even known that the glass had cut through the skin if I hadn’t looked down at my fist clenched around the glass and noticed that it was covered in blood.

I felt nothing.

Why can’t I feel anything from anyone other than you?

Frustration flooded through me and I picked up another piece of glass angrily and held it against my arm. The very second that I used it slice open the skin on my arm, I heard someone calling my name on the other side of the stage.

Fuck... Oh God. Who's out here? No one can see me like this...

Notes

Yeah....... Who's mouth dropped when Jack said “Well, you know what? I liked you better when you were a fucking alcoholic,”
Song lyrics credit: Taking Back Sunday

I want to do one of my chapter off the song "Blood in my eyes" by Sum 41. if you dont know the song LISTEN TO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW!
Guys, please vote on this story, with the little stars and shit.. just please rate it so i know if i should keep going or stop