Alex POV

“What the fuck?” Robbie questioned bluntly as soon as I walked through the door of the bus carrying Jack in my arms, followed shortly by Rian.

“Don’t ask,” I retorted flatly, not stopping in my tracks to the bedroom.

“Jesus, what the hell happened?” I heard him question Rian in complete confusion as I entered the bedroom.

So he asks...

“Uh… Jack drank himself into unconsciousness,” Rian told them candidly.

Does he have to be so blunt about it? He makes it sound like it was Jack’s intention to do that.

“Holy shit!”

I kicked the bedroom door closed behind me, blocking out their shocked voices, so the only sound I could hear was my own heavy, irregular breathing.The hardest part of living is just taking breath to stay.

I took another shaky step forward, then leaned down to lay Jack on his bunk. I pulled the covers over him to try and keep him warm, and knelt down on the floor between the bunks, my arms resting on his bed. I watched him silently as he lay there for a while, unmoving on his bed, then I couldn’t stand the sight anymore so I put my head in my hands defeatedly.

I desperately wanted him to wake up… But part of me feared the moment; I was worried about the addiction firing up inside of me as soon as he came back into consciousness.It’s haunting.

As I sat there silently, thoughts and feelings ripped through me like a hurricane. I knew I still had a big decision to make.

Jack or Lisa?

Fuck.

I can’t argue that it makes more sense to be with Lisa. My girlfriend. Mypregnant girlfriend. But all I can think about is Jack...

Jack is my… What is Jack?!You’re all that I hoped I’d find in every single way. He’s my best friend in the world. My band mate. Myaddiction. But this addiction is not good for our friendship. I knew I had to find a way to kick the habit once and for all.I just haven’t found it yet… But I need it. It’s clouding up my entire mind.

I never should have gotten in so deep with him. He may feel the same way about me as I do about him but that does not mean it’s that simple. It’s far from fucking simple. And I just don’t see a way out of this mess I’ve got myself into… I’m in over my head here.

Lisa loves me. I know she does. And I’ve already told her I’m not going to leave her... I said I would be there for her as soon as she told me she's pregnant. I can’t back out of that now. Even if I leave her for Jack, but still be there to help look after the baby, it could destroy her. And it willdefinitely destroy my reputation. It may even destroy the band if things don’t work out between me and Jack.

So what am I supposed to do? I don’t want to fucking destroy this life I’ve built.

I know Jack loves me too, but as far as he’s concerned, I’ve already picked Lisa… Haven’t I? I haven’t promised him anything like I have Lisa… He doesn’t even know that I love him.These words were never easier for me to say. And maybe he doesn’t ever have to find out.

As far as I can see, lying is the only way out of this to stop people getting more hurt. I mean, if I tell Jack I love him, he’s going to want to be with me and I’m going to find it harder to do the right thing and stay with Lisa. But if I don’t tell him how I feel, he won’t know any different to what he does now...

But this means I’m going to have to become a fucking good actor. How else am I supposed to stay away from Jack and pretend I’m happy? Let’s face it; I’m not going to be happy for a long time.I guess I can live without you, but without you I’ll be miserable at best.

I need an ultimate cover-up... Something that will fool everyone and give me and Jack closure…But what?

All of a sudden, Jack exhaled heavily, snapping me out of my neurotic thoughts that, quite frankly, were making less sense to me with every passing second.

I froze, peering through my fingers at him lying there. Without warning, I found myself mentally fighting against the desperate urge to hold him in my arms once more and I knew instinctively that he was now semi-conscious.

As I stared at him curiously I suddenly noticed he was shaking uncontrollably.

“Jack?” I wondered aloud, questioning his consciousness and shakiness.

I quickly got to my feet and leant over him as he lay in his bunk. He was still shaking violently, so I put my hands firmly on his shoulders, trying to control him.

In that second as I stood over him worriedly, his eyes abruptly snapped open. He stared at me suspiciously for a moment with narrowed eyes, before burrowing his eyebrows and frowning at me deeply.

I tried to look away, but I found myself momentarily entranced in Jack’s questioning eyes. His pupils were dilated and his eyes were bloodshot, but the familiar, warm light was glinting within them.Compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright. I found myself being pulled in as if by a magnetic force and I knew I was in serious danger of losing myself in them.

Acting upon fear instinct, I somehow managed to tear my eyes away and jerk backwards half way across the room, away from Jack.

“A-Alex?” He croaked quietly in a dry voice. He sounded confused.

“Yeah… I'm here,” I confirmed hesitantly, my eyes finding his again almost immediately. “Are you alright?”

My heart was beating hard and rapidly, like it was desperately trying to escape from my chest completely and go to Jack.

No… I can’t…

Jack inhaled sharply and his eyelids fluttered shut, breaking the fixated eye contact between me and him once again.

“My head hurts,” he groaned, rubbing his forehead absent-mindedly.

“Yeah, well, you drank too much… You passed out, man,” I explained somewhat bitterly.

I still can’t believe he did this.

His forehead creased and he frowned again; it looked like he was trying to remember what had happened. Then, all of a sudden, his eyes blinked open again and he broke out of his thoughts to reconnect his gaze to mine.

“You pushed me,” he suddenly stated accusingly, looking at me with eyes swimming with hurt.

Great, he remembers…

“I- I’m sorry,” I apologised genuinely. “But we had an agreement, Jack-”

“I never agreed to anything,” he protested, crossing his arms stubbornly. “Do you not want me near youthat much that you have to throw me half way across the fucking stage?”

He sounded genuinely upset.

Fuck. Now I feel guilty.

“No, I- You’ve got it twisted, Jack… I actually want you near me so badly that it freaks me out. I feel like I have no choice but to force you to stay away,” I blurted out, swallowing a rising lump in my throat.

Jack stared at me with eyes clouded with confusion and innocence as he digested these words… The truth at last.

“Don’t,” he finally retorted flatly, shaking his head vigorously. “Don’t force me. Please... Don't fight this, just let me be near you.”

I can't...

His voice was so imploring and he wore a wounded expression on his face.

I couldn’t find the words to reply; they were lost in my confused state of mind.I can’t speak.

“Come here,” he added calmly, beckoning me over to his bed.

I hesitated. Every part of me was calling out for Jack, urging me to go to him... But somehow I remained rooted to the spot, standing a good few metres away from him.

“It's okay, Lexy Bear,” he encouraged.

I couldn’t help but snort slightly at this. I mean, really, what the fuck?!

“Since when do you call me that?” I asked in an amused tone of voice, raising my eyebrows at him.

He shrugged half-heartedly.

“Since now. It’s cute, just like you,” he gushed, flashing me a smile that looked like he was high.

Somehow the atmosphere had suddenly become a lot lighter. Less intense.

I smirked a little and rolled my eyes at the same time.

“You’re still drunk, aren’t you?”

He shrugged again.

“I’m cold,” he whined, changing the topic. “Come here and warm me up, jerkface!”

I gave him a disapproving look. But then his face softened and he pouted again, looking at me with begging eyes. I felt my remaining will-power draining slowly as I looked at his irresistible face.

In a moment of sudden weakness, I took a few absent-minded steps towards Jack. His face lit up and he threw back the covers and patted his bed insistently, gesturing for me to get in. Before I had chance to drown out the resonant urges in my head, I was giving into them and climbing in beside Jack.

I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I couldn’t control myself.I should leave you alone, but we both know that I’m not strong.

He snaked his arms around me as soon as I laid down next to him, hugging my rigid body close. I was trying not to succumb to desire and wrap my arms tightly round his body too, but he was making it difficult. He sighed abstractedly and slowly lay his head down on my chest, like he was listening to the increasing beating of my heart.

Okay, he’s too adorable… It’s not possible to NOT cuddle him…

I hesitantly gave in to temptation and wrapped my arms around his restful body, which was indeed very cold. I watched him intently rising up and down on my chest in time with my breathing.

I could stay here in his arms forever… But I know I can’t.The hardest part is letting go.

Gradually, Jack's uncontrollable shaking began to wear off as I warmed him up in my arms. All was still and quiet between us, then suddenly, Jack yawned quietly and sleepily uttered the three words I feared.

“I love you, Lex.”

I was hearing the confession coming from his mouth for the first time and it felt like a fucking wall crashing down on top of me. My eyes suddenly stung with tears that I was determined not to let fall.Don’t cry…

It pained me to hear him actually say it. It destroyed me, in fact, because I knew I might just have to break his innocent heart.

I brought my hand up to Jack’s face, gently touching his cheek. I seemed to be losing my mind with him lying so peacefully in my arms, distracting me from thinking straight.I dream of his lips… I miss the lips that made me fly.

I closed my eyes slowly, blocking out any pain hiding deep inside. Then I was drifting away, losing focus and becoming more distant with each second.You’re a thousand miles away.

Soon I was slipping into a troubled sleep as I tried to escape the heavy-weighted pressure on my shoulders.It’s been three whole days since I’ve had sleep.

And all I could dream about was the one lying in my arms.

Notes

See how cute they are when Lisa is not around?!?!?

COMMENT what you think Lisa is talking about.. RATE so more people can join the fun!SUBSCRIBE! so you can be the first to see what happens next. Also check out my other story Nameless Beauty Boy....
Song lyrics/title credit: Mayday Parade