Alex POV

Rian stared at me with his mouth half-open and his eyes wide in shock. It felt like an hour had been and gone by the time he finally managed to make a sound.

“Are you kidding me?” He choked out in horror.

Uh, no… Who the fuck jokes about this kind of thing?

“Thisis what is going on with you at the moment?”

“Yes, this is certainly part of what is ‘going on with me',” I replied vaguely.

There’s a lot more to my story though.

“Oh my… Fuck,Alex!Wha-Why didn't you tell me?!"

I stepped back instinctively, thinking Rian might accidentally hit me in the face with all his dramatic hand movements.

“I wasn’t ready to tell anyone... I only found out yesterday,” I mumbled quietly. “And you better not tell anyone either..."

The last thing I need right now is this to make front page news.

“I- I won’t… I just- I can’t believe this! Shit, are you okay?” He stammered in disbelief.

What a fucking question…

“I’ve been better, Rian,” I retorted flatly, staring at the ground as I scratched my head.

“Do you... want this baby?” He asked hesitantly.

I shot him an expressionless glare.

“What do you think?” I turned the question round.

Surely it’s obvious that I don’t want it by the drastic change in my behaviour recently.

“I guess you don’t…” Rian muttered. “So... Well, why didn’t you wear a condom?”

Let’s not make hasty assumptions, Rian…

“I did! It must have fucking split!”

It seems condoms are fucking lousy excuses for protection against pregnancy.

Rian narrowed his eyes then started chewing his bottom lip.

“Well… Are you sure Lisa’s not… not…” He trailed off, clearly unsure of how to phrase his question.

I had a feeling I knew what he was going to ask anyway, so I finished his sentence off for him.

“Lying?”

He nodded curtly.

“Yes, I’m sure. Hell, I made her take a pregnancy test!” I declared realistically.

Rian was quiet for a moment. I could literally hear his brain racing inside his head, searching for loopholes.

Forget it, Rian, there isn’t one.

“Well, how do you know you’re the father?” He asked suddenly, looking at me questioningly.

I stared back at him blankly.

“Because… She said I am. Why the fuck would she lie and say I am if I’m not?” I burrowed my eyebrows thoughtfully, creasing my forehead. “No, she promised I’m the only person she’s slept with for months,” I concluded with a sigh.

Rian said nothing, but shrugged his shoulders half-heartedly. He was at a loss of comforting words of wisom, apparently.

There was an awkward silence between us for a few minutes. I listened to the distant sound of loud music and people laughing that drifted on the late night breeze.

“You know… This is going to fucking destroy Jack,” Rian suddenly said, drowning out the remote noises.

The mere mention of Jack's name made my erratic heart skip a random beat.

Why will it destroyhim?

“This destroys me BECAUSE of Jack!” I retorted, raising my voice in frustration.

Rian didn’t look taken aback by my sudden outburst. He looked at me with knowing eyes… Eyes that told me straight away that he knew the truth.

“You love him,” he spoke softly.

It wasn’t a deniable question; it was a confident statement and I knew it was coming.
There was no way around it this time.

“Yes,” I admitted with a sigh, hanging my head in shame and staring at the ground.

What’s the point in lying now? I’ve already revealed too much. My guard self-destructed itself when I told Rian Lisa is pregnant.

Rian was quiet for a long time yet again. Then I heard him exhale slowly, too.

“It's not really my place to tell you this, but I know that he won't...” He began in a small voice. My curiosity heightened inside of me as I waited for Rian to continue. “He loves you too.”

His words caught my heart off-guard; it stuttered inside my chest dangerously. I snapped my head up abruptly, looking at Rian disdainfully.

He’s gone mad…

I took a step back uncertainly.

“What? No, he doesn’t!” I blurted out in disbelief, shaking my head frantically.

Jack doesn’t love me… Rian doesn’t know what he’s talking about!

“Yes, Alex… He does,” Rian argued plainly, looking at me intently.

How can this be true?

I broke eye contact as my eyes darted back and forth. It was like they were searching for answers that would appear from thin air.

“But- but he never told me! He… He can’t…”

I stopped talking abruptly as memories I had almost forgotten had suddenly come flooding back to the surface; I could hear Jack’s voice filtering into my mind. I was remembering something he had said to me a few weeks ago…

“How do you think this person, who I’ve been friends with for several years, and who definitely isn’t interested in me in the same way, would react to me telling them I have feelings for them?”

Oh my God, does that mean…? He was talking about…me?All that time he was going on about a friend he had fallen for… He was fucking talking about ME?!

I distinctly remember how I responded to his question;“How are you so sure they don’t feel the same way?”

I couldn’t believe that someone wouldn’t want Jack…Icertainly did. Fucking hell, I felt the same way all along… Why was he so positive I wasn’t interested? Did I not make it obvious enough or something?

He ignored me trying to persuade him to tell them and said“trust me, this person is not the kind of person to deny themselves what they want... If they wanted me too, they would have had me by now.”

Oh no, he had it all so twisted… I am EXACTLY the kind of person to deny myself what I want if it’s the wrong thing! And wanting Jack is so fucking wrong… He’s my best friend… My band mate!End this now, we've gone too far.

“Oh shit! It all makes sense now!” I exclaimed, snapping out of my haunting thoughts.

Rian was right… I’m fucking blind.Loveis blind.

“That’s why he always let me use him… And why he so clearly hates Lisa… Oh Rian, why didn’t he tell me?” I cried in confusion, pulling my hair frustratedly.

How long has he kept this to himself?

“Well, why didn’tyoutellhim?” Rian returned the question roughly.

“I did!”

Well, kind of. I accidentally let the truth slip last night…Secrets that we keep turn into accidents.

“It doesn’t have the same effect if you take it straight back, Alex,” Rian retorted flatly.Let’s take back words that turn to scars.

Oh, Jack told him about that, huh? Oh, jeez…

“Well, he should have realised that I was only lying when I took it back. I panicked!” I said quickly.

“I tried to tell him that, but he wouldn’t have it. Man, you really shattered his hope when you did that last night... And fucking hell, I don’t want to imagine what you did to him tonight onstage,” Rian groaned, looking at me with clear disappointment.

Regret and guilt swam in the pit of my stomach.I never meant to hurt you.But I tried to ignore my gut feeling and convince myself that what happened tonight was NOT my fault.

“I’m sure he’s fine,” I murmured, swallowing nervously.


Jack POV

I had no idea where the hell I was or how I even got there.

I stood in the corner of an unfamiliar room, listening to the steady rhythm of the music pounding on my eardrums. Unlike the beat of the music, the beat in my heart was frantic and uneven. But for the first time all night, I didn’t feel the pain… I felt numb.Took the easy way out… I shut myself down.

I’ve never had every part of me destroyed all at once before like I did two hours ago. My hopes, dreams, confidence,everything…Gone. And now I’m left alone just waiting for this overwhelming feeling of rejection to try and strangle me any moment now.

Maybe I deserved this. I know I must have pushed Alex too far emotionally to make him physically push me back so forcefully… What the fuck was I thinking?

My plan backfired.Tried my best… Took a shot in the dark… And I lost.I wanted him to openly take me in his arms in front of everyone… Hold me close and never let me go. And I was actually under the foolish delusion that he wouldn’t be able to resist me.Sometimes these thoughts have a way of making sense.I was sorely mistaken.

My naivety is my biggest downfall of all. I should know by now that I’m just a flavour he craves on instinct. Obviously tonight he just didn’t have the ‘urge’. I just can’t accept the fact that Alex doesn’t want me all of the time, like I want him.

When he pushed me to the floor, I didn’t get up straight away; I couldn’t find reason to. It seemed easier to just stay on the ground where I couldn’t be shoved down again. And when Rian came over to me as I lay there, I made a point to avoid his eyes and the sympathy most likely hiding in them; I don’t need his fucking pity. I don’t needanyoneto feel sorry for me.

And when Rian offered me his hand to help me get to my feet, I didn’t take it. (I have abiding pride and developing trust issues). I don’t need his help… Look where it has gotten me! He is partly to blame for what happened tonight; his words of blind encouragement definitely tainted my mind.

A few days ago I would never have had the nerve to approach Alex onstage without 'permission’, and the only reason I recently built up the confidence was because Rian convinced me that I needed to break down Alex’s ‘wall’ and make the first move. He was under the false impression that Alex feels the same about me as I do about him… And a part of me held onto the hope that he did.

But that part of me was destroyed tonight. The confidence that I built has been shattered now, along with everything else, EXCEPT Alex's wall. It was made pretty clear tonight that he doesnotfeel the same.Burn away the bonds with the fires of selfishness...

Now what?

The only way to ease the pain is to drink until I drown.

As I idly watched people with faces I did not recognise dance and have a good time, I instinctively threw the Sambucca shot in my hand down my throat. I’d already lost count of the number of shots I’d had. All I knew was that I’d reached the point where the pain had faded into nothing inside of me, which was what I was aiming for.

The thumping music seemed to be getting louder and more unbearable with each passing second. My head was throbbing and I started to feel dizzy… The room was suddenly spinning.

I needed to get the fuck out of there.

I staggered forward, headfirst into the crowd of lively people. Several people tried to get me to dance with them, but I shook them off feebly. Suddenly, as if from nowhere, a bottle was shoved into my hand and I grasped it firmly in my sweaty palm. My heart race was getting faster and more out of sync as I tried to find my way out and beads of sweat formed on my brow.

My legs suddenly gave way and I fell, hitting the ground hard for the second time in one evening. Disorientation flooded through me and I completely lost my sense of surrounding, fading into the background of the party as I lay there.

But then, all of a sudden, I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder. I struggled to lift my head to see who it was; it felt awfully heavy. The person wrapped their hand round my wrist securely and somehow managed to pull me into a sitting position. I looked up to rest my eyes on my rescuer and I immediately felt my heart lurch horribly.

She was a bit of a blur, but I recognised her faint outline, and I had a definite gut feeling that I didn’t like her... I just couldn’t remember why.

I took hold of her outstretched hands hesitantly and climbed to my unbalanced feet.

“Let’s get you out of here, Jack,” she shouted over the music.

The sound of her voice triggered something in my distracted brain, clicking something back into place.

“Liiiiisaaaa?” I slurred loudly, trying to focus on her blurry face.

She nodded, supporting me as she led me out of the crowds of people and swiftly out of the room completely.

The breezy night air stung my face as we suddenly emerged into the darkness of the outside.

“I’ll take you back to your tour bus, okay?” She told me worriedly.

I don’t want to go back there… Not yet…

“No,” I said quickly. “Gonna stay here.”

Lisa had a firm hold on me, but I just about managed to break free from the contact and lower myself into a sitting position, almost falling off the step completely.

I leant forward and attempted to put my head in my hands, only to realise I couldn’t. I frowned at the bottle of vodka clutched tightly in my grasp, wondering where the fuck it came from.

Lisa slowly lowered herself onto the step to sit next to me. Her shoulder brushed against mine. I didn’t think I had ever been so close to her. My heart was sending impulses to my brain, telling me to move, but my brain was not cooperating; it was too unfocused.

“You can go,” I spoke slowly, frowning slightly.

I didn't really want to be alone, but there was something quite unsettling about being sat out here with her.

“It’s okay. The party was getting too much for me anyway. I only came in the first place because Alex upset me,” she revealed in a small voice.

Alex…? He’s the reason I’m here too…

My heart stuttered inside my chest at the hazy thought of him and I felt a small, sharp stab of pain in my stomach.

Fuck, I must not be drunk enough.

“Asshole,” I cursed him angrily, unscrewing the lid of the bottle in my hand and closing my eyes as I lifted it to my mouth.

But it never reached my lips… I suddenly felt it being pulled away. I snapped my eyes open to see Lisa staring at me with a concerned expression on her face.

“I think you’ve had enough for one night, Jack,” she sighed disapprovingly, taking the bottle easily out of my weak hand.

Maybe I have… But why does she care?

“I don’t thinkyou’vehadenough,” I scoffed half-heartedly, turning my attention to the floor where the bottle was now lying.

“I’m giving up alcohol for a while… 9 months to be exact,” she mumbled, playing with her hair.

I glanced sideways at her and cocked an eyebrow, but said nothing.

9 months is a very precise length of time… I knew there was something significant about that time length, but I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

My brain seemed to refuse to register Lisa’s words properly.

“Can I ask you something?” She asked me suddenly, turning to look at me closely.

“Wha...?” I responded vacantly, swaying on the step absent-mindedly.

“Do you think it’s wrong to lie to try to keep something you love?” She enquired sincerely.

Um. Yes. Lying is wrong. But we all do it. There's no denying it. And if I thought it would make a difference, I would lie to keep something I loved… I would do anything to make Alex mine.

“Well, yeah. But for more than just a moment of truth between the lies told
To pull ourselves away from the lives we leave back, so it doesn’t fucking matter,” I muttered drunkenly.

All of a sudden, everything started fading out. As I stared at Lisa, I could see her lips moving, but I couldn’t hear anything. I suddenly felt very light-headed and I knew I was losing the ability to hold myself still… My vision became distorted for a moment too, before fading into nothingness.

The last thing I heard was Lisa’s fearful voice fading back in and echoing in my mind…

“But what if it was a lie so big that it would change someone’s life?”

And then I passed out.

I need your help, I need it now.

Notes

Blah Blah!!! Sorry for other OTP! tbh i think there is a Austin flying around in thereYAY 30 CHAPTERS!!!! I REMEMBER WHEN THIS WAS JUST AN IDEA!!! ALSO OVER 10,000 VEIWSSSS!! THANKS YOU GUYS!! I DO THIS FOR YOU (and your comments)

ummmmmm. “Do you think it’s wrong to lie to try to keep something you love?” “But what if it was a lie so big that it would change someone’s life?”
Lisa... Da Faque you talking about?!?!
COMMENT what you think Lisa is talking about.. RATE so more people can join the fun! SUBSCRIBE! so you can be the first to see what happens next. Also check out my other story Nameless Beauty Boy....
Song lyrics/title credit: Hawthorne Heights