Alex POV

“Too far tonight… Way too far,” I declared in a strained voice into the microphone.

Jack just took things too far. He shouldn’t have ignored what I asked him to do.

The anger still very much boiled in my veins.No one bites back as hard from their anger.But I was so weak I could hardly stand up; my energy levels had dropped dramatically. It took a lot out of me to fight the beast; resisting temptation and pushing Jack away like that physically hurt me.No one knows what it’s like to feel these feelings like I do… And I blame you.

Out of the corner of my eye, on the far side of the stage, I saw Jack storm past Zack and go and swap his guitar. I guessed the one that he was using was out of tune now, considering I made him unintentionally slam it on the floor.

I continued to discretely observe him as he wandered towards the front of the stage; he had his head hung low, staring at the ground. Then, suddenly, his foot came in sharp contact with his mic stand that I had just recently kicked over and he kicked it off the stage completely in one swift motion.

We moved quickly onto playing ‘Get On Your Knees’, trying to pretend everything was fine. But acting as if nothing had even happened was almost impossible; I could feel the rising tension between me and Jack, suffocating me like a noose around my neck. Still, somehow, the words of the song just kept pouring out of my mouth automatically.

The song lacked energy and passion, just like me. I just desperately wanted to be free from the watching eyes of thousands of people. Free to go wherever I wanted and be alone. I’ve never thought of being onstage as being trapped in a cage before, but in some ways that’s exactly what it’s like.

The rest of the show dragged by at a torturously slow speed. When it finally came to a much-needed end, I stormed my way over to the stairs, straight past the guys, who looked pissed off, and Lisa, who looked very concerned, without so much as a backward glance.

But Lisa didn’t seem to get the hint that I wanted to be alone; she insisted on coming after me.

“Lex, wait! Slow down,” she pleaded, running slightly to keep up with me.

I shot her a look over my shoulder and saw Rian, Rob and Zack just a few metres behind her. The last thing I needed was for them to question me, so I refused to decrease my getaway speed.

“No, I want to be alone!” I retorted sharply.

My desperation and determination must have been obvious, because she suddenly gave in, faltering in her persistent steps and falling behind at once.

I kept my head down and kept going in an unknown direction. At least five minutes passed of me walking mindlessly by myself through the darkening fields, listening to the sound of rustling and heavy footsteps, before I realised I was not alone at all.

I was being followed.

I stopped in my tracks abruptly and span around on the spot to face my stalker. I found myself face to face with my own drummer bro.

“What do you want?” I grunted, narrowing my eyes at him.

How the fuck did he catch up with me? I thought I made a lucky escape…

He took a few heavy steps closer, closing the gap between us. I stayed rooted to the spot, because there was not much point in running now I’d been caught.

“I want to know what the fuck that was onstage tonight,” he stated flatly.

Well, most likely so does our entire fanbase, and Jack too… Doesn’t mean they’re going to be told.

“Rian, just go away. I don’t want to talk about it,” I snapped intolerantly, scowling at the floor.

Unfortunately, he went nowhere. It seemed that literally no one could understand the fact that I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't want Jack fucking throwing himself at me, and I didn't want Rian stalking and interrogating me.

“No, listen. Zack and Robbie sent me to try and get some sense out of you. You’ve been acting fucking weird recently and it's getting ridiculous. I mean, what the hell happened with you and Jack back then?” Rian demanded insistently and I flinched at the mere mention of Jack’s name.

“That was… nothing. Just forget about it. It’s none of your business anyway,” I dismissed, turning to walk away, but freezing when Rian moved closer defiantly with a maddened look in his eye.

“It is my business when you start causing a fucking scene onstage and upsetting the fans!”He isn’t going to let this go, is he?“For fuck sake, Alex. I don’t understand what’s going on between you and Jack at the moment, but you’ve got to sort it out, because the band is suffering here!” He shouted at me.

Well, the band will just have to suffer in silence, like me… No one ever needs to know there’s a problem.None of my pain and woe can show through.

“You don’t get it! I can’t sort it out!" I whined, my voice cracking in defeat.

No one knows what it's like to be the bad man... To be the sad man...

Rian stared at me for a moment and the angry look in his eye softened, turning to worry. I knew he could feel my genuine pain… He just didn’t understand it.

“Why not? What is going on with you at the moment? You’ve suddenly turned into a total self-centred prick,” Rian told me bluntly.

I recoiled slightly, taken aback by his harsh tone of voice which contradicted the tenderness in his eyes.

“Man, I’m only saying this because I’m fucking worried about you,” he added upon seeing the hurt look on my face. “But seriously, you just don’t give a fuck about anyone else right now, do you?”

I stared at him wordlessly.

He was so wrong.My dreams... They aren’t as empty as my conscience seems to be.

“You disappeared completely without a single trace, making us all worry for your life. Then, you smashed up a shit load of expensive music equipment that someone else is now gonna have to pay to replace. And you keep going from giving us all the cold shoulder to flaring up at the smallest thing, which got you into that pointless argument with Robbie earlier. Andthenyou go and throw Jack half way across the fucking stage, you also broke you guitar in the process” Rian ranted angrily, counting off all the ways I’ve fucked up on his fingers, before throwing his hands up in confusion. “Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

Okay, I know I seem like a selfish asshole right now, but they don’t fucking know why I act the way I do…

“You don’t understand,” I sighed, at a loss for what else to say.

“You’re fucking right, I don’t!” Rian yelled. “Everyone is beyond understanding you because you never fucking explain yourself!”

Because the truth is hard for me to accept! Don’t make me say it…

“It’s pretty sad that I don’t understand my own best friend, what ever happened to you being my brother huh? It’s sad that I don’t understand my own brother, because I get a lot of what else goes on... Probably more than you’d want me to, actually...” He trailed off suggestively.

I suddenly felt threatened.

What does he know…?

“What are you talking about?” I demanded impatiently.

“I’mtalking aboutwhat goes on between you and Jack!” He answered, glaring at me with a knowing twinkle in his eye.

Fuck. He knows...? How does he know?!

“What’s that supposed to mean? Nothing goes on between us... I don’t know what you’re on about,” I rambled impulsively, lying through my teeth.

No one knows what it's like to be hated... To be fated to telling only lies...

Rian’s face hardened and I knew he could see through me.

“We both know that’s not true." His threatening tone made my throat constrict slightly and my mouth suddenly feel very dry.

“Okay, but- but it doesn’t mean anything… It’s just for fun…” I blurted out another lie in sudden panic.

Rian screwed up his face, looking sceptical.

“Fun?Is that what you call it? Was it fun for you up onstage tonight then?" He was getting louder and more forceful with each question.

“Of course not! I didn't mean to do that. I- I only pushed him because he ignored my request that he stay away from me onstage from now on… I warned him not to come near me!" I defended quickly.

My answers were getting lamer by the second and Rian was getting increasingly pissed off.

"You don't fucking control him! Do you even care about how he feels?” He barked.

Maybe I would care more if I KNEW how Jack feels... We don't exactly share our feelings. But I’m going to guess that he’s feeling pretty pissed off with me right now…

"Yeah, but I know he doesn't care… He’s always messing around with me onstage. It used to be fun, but I don’t want to do it anymore and he is being fucking ignorant about it!” I snapped, looking away from Rian’s narrowed eyes.

The whole thing with Jack has gone too far… It’s too much for me. I can't fucking deal with this right now.

“And why do you think he’s being like that?” Rian questioned sharply, raising his eyebrows at me expectantly.

I got the feeling the answer was obvious, but I didn’t know it. The only thing I could come up with is that Jack likes the fact that he's in control of me; he knows that I'm completely at his mercy because of my addiction to him. He's abusing his power.

"Because he’s an ignorant prick when he wants to be," I answered rather harshly.

Rian's eyebrows shot upwards.

"That’s a bit rich coming from you!" He scoffed, incinuating I'm an ignorant prick.

Cheers, bro.

"Maybe Jack was being ignorant, but he was acting that way for a reason… You obviously upset him,” he pointed out in a disapproving tone of voice.

I upset him? Oh, man. I never meant to do that…

I suddenly felt guilty and confused, but I put on a familiar mask to try and fool Rian and myself that everything was fine.

“No, I didn't. He doesn’t care… He knows what happens onstage is just a bit of fun,” I mumbled, sticking to my ‘fun’ story, which even I was starting to see the cracks in.

Maybe Jackdoescare... What if he is realising, like me, that everything that has happened between us means something more than just ‘fun’?

“Oh, come on! Are you THAT blind that you honestly think hedoesn’t care?” Rian questioned in disbelief.

I crossed my arms across my chest guardedly.

“He proved to me tonight that he doesn’t care when he fucking ignored what I asked him to do and tried to take advantage of his position,” I argued strongly.

Jack knows I find it practically impossible to resist him… So what does he go and do? He fucking throws himself at me. LITERALLY.

“His position?” Rian repeated, frowning at me.

...As my secret addiction.

“Yeah. I guess you don’t understand quite as much as you thought you did,” I shrugged, feeling slightly relieved.

Rian rolled his eyes, obviously sensing the relief in my voice.

“I may not understandyourside of the story... But I fully understand Jack's,” he retorted boldly.

How the fuck does he know Jack’s side of the story and I don’t? ...What is it?

“Has he been talking to you about me and him or something?” I questioned, feeling annoyed by that sudden revelation.

“Well, yeah. But only because you’re confusing the shit out of him!” Rian exclaimed exasperatedly.

Oh for fuck sake! I told Jack not to tell anyone; it was supposed to be kept a secret... Does he disobey all of my orders or what?

“If he has such a fucking problem with me then why can’t he come and say it to my face instead of bitching to you about me?” I demanded crossly.

I don’t understand this. Jack never protests when I kiss or touch him… If he has an issue with me doing it, then why doesn’t he push me away or say no? He's always more than willing.

“You don’t give him a chance to talk to you! You’re always either avoiding him or all over him... Go and fucking talk to him now!" Rian commanded forcefully.

...And how awkward would that be?

"I havenothingto say to him," I replied stubbornly, causing Rian to groan loudly in frustration.

I can't help it if I don’t trust Jack anymore... I feel like if I told him I loved him now he would announce it to the rest of the world or something and ruin my reputation.

"You're unbelievable! You should just be grateful that he hasn’t gone toLisaand told her everything, which I think he should, by the way... He’s been more loyal to you than you deserve!” Rian argued in Jack’s defence.

The mention of Lisa’s name caught me off-guard slightly. I instinctively dropped my gaze to the floor, trying to hide the panic that I knew would be flashing behind my eyes.

“Trust me, he really shouldn’t tellheranything,” I mumbled to my feet.

I could feel Rian glowering at me questioningly.

“No, he shouldn’t...Youshould. I mean, seriously, Alex, why are you even with her? It’s not like you love her,” he snapped.

“How do you know if I love her or not?”

Okay, maybe I don't… But I'm sure I could if I got over my fucking addiction to Jack.

“Are you kidding me? You’ve been cheating on her repeatedly! Do you do that to everyone youlove?” Rian questioned incredulously.

Well, I do it to Jack…My love is vengeance that’s never free...

I shrugged pathetically.

“I guess that's just the kind of a guy I am, Rian.”

I’m such an asshole.

“You never used to be this guy! I hate that you’ve become so fucking fake! I think you need to tell the truth for once," Rian stated disapprovingly. "Lisa deserves to know that you keep cheating on her.”

I didn’t like where he was going with this… In this situation dishonesty was definitely the best policy.

“Rian, listen-”

“No, I mean it,” he interrupted edgily. “Either you sort things out with Jack properly, orIwill tell Lisa what you’ve been doing behind her back.”

Oh brilliant, now my own bro is trying to blackmail me? THIS is the kind of reason why things should be kept secret… The truth can be used as a weapon against you!

“You?" I choked out in shock. "No... No, you’re not telling her anything.”

Rian looked slightly confused by the way I had simply dismissed his threat.

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t?”

Alright, let's see...

1) It would hurt her.
2) It would ruin my reputation if she told anyone.

And then there’s the reason that destroys any others…

“Because she’s pregnant with my baby,” I confessed plainly, finally revealing the unexpected cliff-hanger to my ‘side of the story’.

My abrupt declaration was quite a violent killer to the conversation; the truth is like a fucking knife.

Notes

wellll shit.... again sorry for other otp names blah blah blah!!! if you see another name it will ost likely be 'Dean, Cas, Sam, Gerard, Frank, Austin, Mikey' im to sleepy for this shit!

DONT FORGET TO COMMENT!! its my favorite thing!! RATE!! so more people can see my story and get sucked into the feels ride of their like. AND SUBSCRIBE!!! so you know when i update a new cliff hanging! gasping! hair pulling! chapter!!!Title/Song lyrics credit: Limp Bizkit