Jack POV

“Jack?”

I groaned groggily in response to the loud, familiar voice that now echoed in my mind.

I lay in a small ball beneath my duvet, staring through a gap in the covers at the sudden shadow blocking my view of Alex’s empty bed.

“Are you awake yet?”

“Mmphh” was my oh-so-intellectual response, which translates as“fuck off”.)

Quite frankly, I’m not in the best of moods.

I got no sleep last night, because my mind insisted on reliving everything that had happened that evening; it was quite an eventful night, after all. Plus, my brain refused to calm the fuck down until Alex returned. Which he didn’t.

“Do you, uh, know where Alex is?” Rian questioned hesitantly, like he was unsure about whether to ask me about him.

“No,” I retorted, letting out a yawn.

I refused to resurface from under my covers and decided to remain hidden instead, in the hope that maybe Rian would get the message that I didn’t want to talk right now and leave me alone.

“Oh. It’s just... Well, it’s two in the afternoon and he hasn’t showed up yet."

It's two already? Damn, I'm a lazy shit...

"And we’ve been trying to ring him, but his phone must be off, because we can’t get through,” Rian explained quickly.

I could sense the worry in his voice and I couldn’t stop the anxiety instinctively flooding through me too. What the fuck is Alex playing at not answering his phone? Something's up...

The springs in Alex’s bed suddenly squeaked in protest, causing a flashback to a few nights ago when he and I were in his bunk making the springs emit those same squeaky sounds. I peered through a gap in my sheets again to see Rian sitting down on his bed staring at me anxiously.

“You were with him last night,” he pointed out accusingly, interrupting my new trail of thoughts.

I sighed and reluctantly emerged from under my covers, sitting up slightly so I could properly look into the eyes of a suspicious-looking Rian.

“Yeah, but I came back here in the early hours of the morning. I dunno where he went, ‘cause he didn’t come after me,” I shrugged, acting like what I was saying didn’t bother me. (But it does, and who am I kidding?)

The bitterness in my tone was distinctive and Rian annoyingly picked up on it.

“Oh. So, what exactly went down between the two of you last night?” He asked pryingly, narrowing his eyes a little at me.

Me. I went down. On him.

“Nothing,” I lied robotically.

My natural instinct when asked a direct question about Alex is to lie; I just always suppress the truth.Over and over, I try not to.

I could tell Rian wasn’t convinced; the questioning glare on his face didn’t change. I lowered my own gaze to avoid his eyes.

“He’s upset you again, hasn’t he?” He enquired knowingly.

I guess if it's a regular occurrence for Alex to upset me these days.

“Yeah, but it’s my fault,” I mumbled quietly. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

I really did blame myself. I'm the one that keeps putting my heart on the line here. The hurt is what I deserve for being so vulnerable... So trusting… So willing… So fucking in love with him.I'll keep on wasting all my time.

My mind was unfocused; it was too hard to try and explain my thoughts to Rian when I was trying not to listen to them.vSo many thoughts that I can't get out of my head…

“Oh… right. But tell me this... Did anything happen between you that might have freaked him out and cause him to just disappear like this?” He questioned hesitantly, his eyes analyzing my every move.

“Probably. He freaks out over everything, and a lot happened last night,” I replied vaguely, sighing and rubbing my temple.

He was probably freaking out because we got really fucking intimate, and he accidentally said he loved me...

“Jack, please, just tell me what the fuck went on,” Rian begged impatiently and
I could see he wasn't about to let it go. He was looking at me with such urgency as if I knew the secrets of the fucking universe.

“Alright, fine,” I surrendered slowly, taking a deep breath and mentally preparing my mind to pour my thoughts and memories out.

“He told me what he has been hiding from me… You know, the thing that has been tearing him apart recently… And instead of helping him, I took advantage of his vulnerability," I spoke shamefully, taking the blame for what happened between us. "I should have been the one out of the two of us that was thinking straight, but I just lost control as well... I wanted him so bad, and he- he was fucking giving himself to me!"

I was trying to tell Rian everything, whilst sparing the graphic details, because Alex was like his brother, after all. He didn't want to know the ins and outs of Alex's sex life.

"Did you... Did you have sex?" Rian was gaping at me in disbelief now.

Okay, clearly I was wrong. He does want to know his close friend like brother's sex life... Weirdo.

"No, I just sucked him off," I answered crudely, making him cringe.

"Jesus," he muttered, shaking his head at me, also trying to shake the mental image out of his head.

I couldn't imagine how weird it must be for Rian to hear his best friend talking about his practical brother like that in this way. Having two siblings of my own, I know how I would react in this situation. I'd probably have to have a 'big brother' talk with the sexual predator who was after my sibling. The idea of Rian having that talk with me was fucking hilarious.

"Okay, well, fuck. Why would that freak him out? How bad are you at blowjobs?" Rian frowned, looking disturbed by the conversation, but still desperate to find out what Rian's problem was.

Is there such thing as a bad blowjob? Even if it's not amazing, your dick is still in someone's mouth. I fail to see how that could ever be bad.

"I'll have you know I'm a fucking natural," I boasted, giving him my best"so fuck you!"face.

The conversation had become not serious enough for Rian's liking. He glared at me sternly, and pushed me for a real explanation; "Jack. Why did he freak out?"

I didn't want to be serious. My mind was almost fighting against me, trying to forget the next part of the story and pretend it never happened.I've tried everything to get away...

I sighed and forced myself to keep the truth coming, despite the resistance I felt.

“Well... Then he- he told me he loved me, and-”

“He- what? Oh my God!” Rian gasped, rudely cutting me off after he forced me to speak. “I knew it! I told-”

"Rian, shut up, he didn’t mean it,” I interrupted frustratedly, running my fingers through my tangled hair. “He was just caught up in the moment. He quickly took back the words and… well, gave them to Lisa instead.”

A familiar aching sensation suddenly started inside my chest with every heartbeat as I dwelled on the truth for too long. I should never dwell on the truth... It's not good for me.

“Wait, so... How did you react when he told you he loved you?” Rian questioned slowly, like he was suspicious of something.

What does my reaction have to do with anything? The main issue here is that Alex made my dreams come true and the crushed them all in the same minute.

“Um. I was just in shock… I asked him if he meant it.”

I knew it was too good to be true. But at the same time, every part of me automatically flooded with hope… I wanted so badly to believe that he loved me too.I know what's best for me but I want you instead.

“And he said no…?” Rian concluded with raised eyebrows.

I nodded laboriously, trying not to remember how it felt to have my spirits crushed by the one who owned my heart.It's dragging me down and I can't pull away.

“And then he immediately rang Lisa and-”

“She rang him,” I corrected.

“-told her he loved her?” Rian continued, unphased by my flat interjection.

"Pretty much," I nodded half-heartedly again.

Rian suddenly started shaking his head vigorously, making me frown at him.

“He’s lying,” he stated with an assurance so strong that it startled me a bit.

I frowned harder.

“What?”

“Dude, can’t you see how obvious it is?” He questioned in disbelief.

This is anything but fucking obvious!

“No...What?” I repeated more forcefully, getting rather annoyed by his confidence.

“You’re blind, Jack. He does love you! He's just scared to tell you, and he panicked when you didn't immediately say it back. He was scared of your reaction, so he took his words back!” Rian told me confidently, looking proud of himself for figuring this shit out.

I wanted to believe what he was saying was the truth, but I refused to let him build my hopes up again just so they could be torn down.It brings me down.Not again... Not this time.

“Look, I asked Alex straight out if he loved me and he said no," I snapped. "If he was lying he needs to fucking tell me the truth, because I’m not gonna believe it until he does! I'm not settling for your theories, Rian. Ican’tkeep pinning all my hopes on the same thing over and over... It’s not worth the fall.”

Over and over, I fall for you.

I swallowed a rising lump in my throat and suddenly stopped speaking. Rian looked at me sympathetically.

“It’s okay, dude… I understand. But you really do need to talk to Alex properly. You’ll just have to find him first,” he muttered, biting his bottom lip in concern. “This is obviously what he’s freaking out over... So, you’ve got to find him and tell him the truth about your feelings. It's the only way he'll calm down."

I've wanted to tell him from the beginning... But it's not that easy. I don't knowhowto tell him.

'I love you'.Those three simple words are so powerful. They have the power to destroy the void inside and complete someone, or tear it open and completely destroy someone…

“I guess you’re right,” I finally spoke in a small voice, although I was terrified about how Alex would react. I didn't want to lose him forever.

I had no choice though; I needed to go and find him. But where the hell would he be hiding? He was probably actively avoiding me… Trying to keep his urges towards me under control... And I was about to ruin that.

So here I go again; chasing you down again… SS

Notes

SORRY FOR THE PAUSE!!! my parents took my laptop and i couldnt type or post!! also sorry if there is a Cas, Dean, Austin, Gerard, Frank, Alan, Mikey, Zack, Matt instead of Alex and Jack.... my brain is full of OTP's at the moment