Alex POV


I stood completely frozen to the spot, unable to move, as shock completely took over my body. For a moment, my thoughts went blank and my mind was actually empty.

Did I just hear that right? Did she really just say she’s pregnant? No... She can't have... Please let me have imagined it…

“Lex…?” Lisa whispered uncertainly after a few minutes of silence. “Say something…”

What the fuck am I meant to say to that?

My mouth was dry and it was a struggle to speak, but I managed to mumble “whose is it?”

The only thing that was keeping me from breaking down was the fact that the baby could not be mine... My life can’t be over already…

It can’t be mine, because we’ve only had sex a couple of times, and we've always used a condom...

“Alex, it’s yours,” Lisa replied tentatively after a moment’s silence.

This time there was no mistaking her words... But there was also no believing them. They seemed to have a new effect of making the ice in my system collapse and unfreezing me.

“No!” I managed to choke out in disbelief, despite suddenly feeling like I was being strangled by my dry throat. “It can’t be!”

All these words they make no sense; I find bliss in ignorance.

“It is...”

My false pretense was short-lived.

I couldn’t tell which was racing faster; my mind or my heart. They were both hurriedly searching for answers. Searching for any remaining hope.The answers aren’t so clear.

“But we used a condom!” I exclaimed incredulously.

What is this fuckery?!

“I know… But condoms are only like 97% effective,” Lisa reminded me hesitantly.

Well, shit… She’s right. Who the fuck loses against those odds?

And a message to the condom-makers: seriously, is it so hard to make protection that’s actually 100% effective?!

“I can’t fucking believe this,” I cursed angrily, shaking my head in defeat.

I distractedly started pacing the room as my mind paced, looking for loopholes out of this mess.

“Are you absolutely sure the baby is mine?” I questioned, silently praying some other guy was the father, because I sure as fuck wasn’t ready to be one. Not yet. No no no!

“Yes, I’m sure, Alex. You’re the only person I’ve slept with in the last few months,” Lisa told me nervously.

Fuck.

Those nights when I slept with Lisa I always had a bad feeling about it... It felt so wrong. I should have fucking realized I was digging my own grave.

“We’re not ready for a baby, Lisa,” I tried to remain relatively calm and composed as I spoke, but inside I was falling apart with fear.

“I know,” she said feebly, at a loss for what else to say, it seemed.

There’s only one way around this…

“Have you considered…“ I began, but I trailed off awkwardly when I heard Lisa start to cry on the other end of the phone.

I wanted to comfort her… Tell her it will be alright... But it fucking wouldn't and I didn’t have the energy to lie. I couldn’t finish my sentence either, for fear of choking on my words. But I knew she had already finished the sentence in her own head, because she suddenly answered.

“I’m not having an abortion,” she insisted forcefully, finding her voice again. It sounded uneven, like it was going to break any second.

In that case, there is NO way around this… I’m fucked.

I stopped pacing and lowered myself onto the couch slowly. I sat with my head in my hands, rubbing my eyes and running my fingers through my hair.

“Why don’t you want an abortion?” I questioned heartlessly.

I’m not usually a supporter of abortion, but desperate times call for desperate measures…

“This isn’t the baby’s fault… I’m not killing it!” She cried desperately. "I can't!"

I know it’s not the baby’s fault… It’s fucking mine for sleeping with her in the first place. But I’m not ready to pay THIS price for my mistake.Wish I could find a way to disappear…

“Lis, I don’t think you’ve thought this all the way through,” I sighed in a slightly demeaning tone.

I need time to think about this myself.

“I’ve done nothing but think about this for the past 24 hours, Alex,” she replied sharply.

Past 24 hours…?

“You’ve known that long?” I asked in incredulity, furrowing my eyebrows.

“Yes. I- I found out yesterday… That’s why I came back home to Baltimore…” She answered hesitantly.

Why the fuck did I only find out today? I was with her practically all day yesterday and she said nothing...

"Why didn’t you tell me?” I demanded roughly.

If I knew, I would have done whatever it took to make sure I didn’t let myself lose control with Jack. I would never have taken it so far with him if I knew there was no fucking hope for us… I wouldn't have even gotten him involved in this at all, because he basically is now.

“Well, I needed to think about it and decide what I really wanted… I needed to come home to talk to my mum,” Lisa mumbled.

“Yourmum? Why didn’t you try talking to ME?" I retorted crossly. "What about whatIwanted?”

I didn't want this baby... I wanted Jack.

“I was afraid… I- I knew how you would react. I just needed my mum to calm me down,” she told me reluctantly.

Well, what about me? I don’t have anyone to calm me down… No one to stop me from breaking down. The only person that can is the only person I can’t ask for help. And even if I could, he wouldn’t help me now anyway…

This time it was me who was lost for words… Lost in my own fucked up thoughts.

“Alex, I’m sorry. I didn’t want this to happen either… I’m fucking terrified! I- I don’t want to do this alone,” Lisa cried in between shallow, shaky breaths. “Please d-don’t make me!”

Everything you say to me takes me one step to the closer to the edge… I'm about to break.

Okay, I’m shocked, I’m scared, I’m selfish, I’m stupid, I’m sad, I'm skeptical, I’m shameful, and I’m many other thing beginning with 'S', but I am not the type of guy that gets a woman pregnant then leaves her on her own.

“You don’t have to do it alone,” I murmured gravely in a strangled voice.

I could already feel this killing me slowly.I cannot take this anymore.

“Thank you... I- I love you,” Lisa breathed in obvious relief.

Relief was an emotion I could never imagine feeling again. I didn’t reply... It takes a lot to say “I love you”, especially when it’s a lie. And it was looking like I needed to save my lies for Jack from now on; I’ll be wearing a permanent mask to cover up the truth and my real feelings for him.

At least Tour finishes soon and I can get away from the watching eyes of everyone...I need a little room to breathe.

“I’m coming back tomorrow,” she added in small voice.

“Then I guess we’ll talk tomorrow,” I exhaled heavily, suddenly desperate to be alone with my thoughts, even though I knew they were going to torture me.

“Okay. I'll see you soon..."

I didn’t bother replying. I hung up the phone instantly and as I clenched it tightly in my hand I could see it shaking. I realized then that I was trembling vigorously. I also felt my eyes starting to burn with tears, but I daren’t blink… Didn’t dare show my pain. (After all, I’m going to have to learn to hide it from now on anyway.)

But in the end, I couldn’t fight it; I had to accept the truth and let it properly sink in, instead of drowning in a river of denial.

I’m going to be a father.

This wasn’t supposed to happen... Everything is so fucked up. How the fuck am I going to tell Jack?

The mere thought of Jack seemed to have an impulsive effect on me; my emotions suddenly ripped through me like a hurricane, sending me over the edge. A single tear rolled down my cheek as I threw my phone as hard as I could in a moment of rage. The cracking sound of my phone colliding with the floor echoed round the room.

I breathed heavily as I sat motionless, staring at my phone lying in the middle of the floor.

Now it was like me:broken.

Notes

i have the next 4 chapters already written... YOU GUYS ARE IN FOR A HELL OF A STORM