Jack POV

The show finally came to a fulfilling end and we left the screaming crowd behind and departed the stage.

I was on a temporary Alex-high, reliving the kiss we had just shared, but I snapped out of it in a sudden moment of panic when I realized I could no longer see Alex anywhere. We'd only just walked offstage and he seemed to have disappeared. My mind jumped to the conclusion that he was still avoiding me and my heart sunk slowly.

But then I spotted him and my erratic heart elevated again inside my chest. He was stood by himself a few meters away, looking intently at the floor with his arms folded, clearly waiting for something. Could it possibly be me?

I didn't realize that I was staring at him longingly until Rian appeared at my side and broke my focus. I glanced sideways and smiled a grateful and relieved smile at him. He returned the warm smile, but then his gaze fell on Alex who stood alone a short distance away.

“You know what to do,” he nodded, patting me on the back and then rushing ahead to catch up with Zack and Rob who were already on their way back to the tour bus.

His words invoked another small stab of panic as I realized I didn’t actually know what to do at all. How was I going to get some answers out of Alex? What if he still refused to open up to me?

Alex seemed to have broken his focus on the floor, because I could suddenly feel his eyes burning into me, as I hesitated on the spot. I snapped myself out of it and looked up to meet his narrowed eyes, and then I took a deep breath and slowly made my way over to him.

I had to use all my self-control not to grab him and kiss him again when I found myself standing directly in front of him. He had an enquiring look on his face, but he didn't voice the question hiding in his eyes. ("What the hell was that onstage?!")

“You have no idea what you do to me,” he whispered vaguely.

Uh, no… I don’t. Are you going to tell me?

Confusion and curiosity flooded through me, but I didn't push him for answers. I just repeated his remark in a small voice.

“Youhave no idea what you do tome…”

He ran his fingers through his hair contemplatively and suddenly squeezed his eyes shut, breaking the powerful contact between us at once.

“Why did you have to kiss me again?” he groaned, taking me by surprise.

I didn't understand his tone of voice; he didn't sound angry or annoyed... He sounded worried.

“I was just trying to get you to stop avoiding me,” I mumbled, looking at him with innocent, exploring eyes.

He sighed heavily, shaking his head.

“Well, you shouldn’t try and stop me… There’s a reason I’ve been avoiding you."

What possible justified reason could he have for doing this to me?

My brain raced inside my head, searching impatiently for answers that were not there.

“Well…? Let me hear it then.”

I think I deserve to know why my best friend can't stand to be near me anymore.

He opened his eyes reluctantly, but kept his gaze fixed to the floor, unwilling to hold eye contact again, it seemed.

“I- I don’t… Ican'ttrust myself around you, Jack,” he spoke quietly. I might have thought he was joking if it wasn't for his very grave voice and the fearful way he avoided my eyes.

I stared at him blankly for a while, before realizing that was the full extent of the explanation. It lacked critical detail... Actually, it lacked any kind of detail. I still didn't understand what he was saying.

“Why not?" I frowned, perplexed.

He shook his head and jerked his shoulder into a shrug, still staring at the floor, rather than at me.

"I lose control," he answered darkly.

"That's not my fault though. You can't blame me for your lack of self-control, Alex," I protested, dissatisfied with his 'reason' for ignoring me. It's not justified in my books.

He sighed extensively, seemingly fed up.

"You don't understand. You don't realize how your presence affects me," he argued weakly, finally looking into my eyes. I could see a great vulnerability in his that worried me.

“You're right, Idon'tunderstand... But I want to. Please, Alex, just tell me what’s going on,” I begged desperately.

Let the fucking wall break down!

I watched him as he chewed his lip, out of nervous habit.

“I couldn’t explain it even if I wanted to. I don’t understand it myself,” he slowly replied, denying my plead.

My heart sunk in disappointment at his resistance. I just hated being shut out.

Why can’t he seem to trust me with his problems anymore, like he used to? He’s so reluctant to let me help now. Maybe we’re not good enough friends anymore… Maybe something has changed...Together we built a wall.

“Do you think addiction is ever a good thing, Jacky?” he suddenly broke the silence unexpectedly, forcing the paranoid thoughts I was hearing to the back of my mind.

His words were so filled with worry; it sent a shiver down my spine.

Why would he ask me this? I'd have thought the answer would be obvious to him, seeing as he’s a recovered drug addict and alcoholic…

“Um... Well, no.”

How can being addicted to something ever be good? Surely it can’t…

I watched him nod slowly, sadly... I watched his eyes dart from one place to another awkwardly... I watched his shoulders rise and fall as he sighed dramatically... And then the realization hit me like a tone of bricks.

“Holy shit, what are you addicted to, Alex?” I gasped fearfully, my mouth half-open in shock.

Has the obsessive addict inside of him been reborn after 4 long years?

He froze completely, like a deer in the headlights. His shifty eyes stopped moving and fixated on my own worried eyes. The sad look in his eye nearly broke my erratic heart. It made me want to wrap my shaky arms around him and tell him everything would be fine… But I didn’t know if that would be the truth or just another lie anymore.

He didn’t move a muscle for several unnerving seconds, but then he suddenly hung his head in shame, looking down at the floor.

“Well, what is it? Alcohol...? Cocaine?!Heroin?” I questioned, getting progressively worked up.

Swear to God, if he doesn’t say anything soon, I’m going to have a full-blown anxiety attack…

Flashbacks of life in the band when Alex hit rock bottom from being addicted to drugs and alcohol flooded through me, causing the colour to drain from my cheeks for the second time this evening.

“No!” he choked out, eyes wide in horror. “It’s- no, nothing like that.”

“Don’t lie to me, Alex! Just let me in… Let me help,” I pleaded urgently, needing to be the one to help him through whatever he was going through.

He shook his head slowly.

“Jack, I told you... You can’t help me this time,” he whispered.

His words provoked a lightning flashback to when Alex was sitting by himself on the floor and I tried to put my arm around him to comfort him... To help... And he said the exact same thing to me then. Those words continue to crush me.

“But I don't get it!Whycan’t I help?" I whined desperately. "You said you needed me! So if you don’t need my help, what the fuck do you need from me?”

He was refusing to let the wall break down… And I was refusing to stop trying to knock it down.

“It's complicated," he started slowly, biting his lip again nervously and looking at the floor.
"I need…"

I held my breath, anticipating the truth he was about to reveal. But then suddenly he trailed off uncertainly, clearly changing his mind.

“...To get away,” he finished flatly.

Before I had a chance to nag him again, he abruptly turned away from my questioning glare and started stalking off back in the direction of the stage.

Oh, for fuck sake, not again!

“Alex!” I shouted in frustration, hurrying after him, determined to stop him from avoiding me again… Avoiding the truth.This has gone on so long.

He seemed determined to run away, but I was determined not to let him get away this time. He headed over to a door that led to the backstage equipment room and disappeared inside. I followed in his footsteps unceasingly, entering the large, dimly lit room on the other side of the closed door.

The room was quite empty, filled only with band equipment piled up in the corner, and an old, leather sofa in the middle of room. My searching eyes immediately found what they were looking for in the shape of Alex stood a short distance away, facing me with an indecipherable expression.

I stopped in my tracks, staring at him questioningly, begging silently for an honest answer. As I searched his engaging eyes for the truth, I noticed a familiar pleading look in them. Once again, I had to ask myself,what the hell does he want from me?

I took a few tentative steps towards him, hating the distance between us. He eventually mirrored my actions, coming closer to me until our bodies were only inches apart and our faces were just centimeters from each other. I didn't even realize how torturously close his lips had come to touching mine until I could almost taste the cigarettes. It's like our lips are magnets to each other.

“One more hit,” Alex breathed in a ghost of a whisper.

I was so absorbed in the taste of cigarettes and coffee only inches away from me that I barely registered what he had said. A few seconds passed and Alex was waiting patiently for my reaction. The words took a while to process, but then I finally realized what he had said.

I groaned inwardly and felt my stomach tie in a knot as a result of his words. One more hit ofwhat?Before I had time to react to the severe worry I felt, Alex suddenly leaned forward a fraction of an inch and brushed his addictive lips against mine, causing a bolt of lightning to burn through my veins, straight to my heart, which made it skip a beat excitedly.

My wide eyes suddenly fluttered shut as our lips collided with more force, for the second time this evening. But this time he was the one in control and I was the one battling hesitation.Something just isn’t right; I can feel it inside...

But as hesitant as I was suddenly feeling, I couldn’t quite bring myself to deny his tongue access into my mouth; my lips parted instinctively and my tongue worked softly with his. He wrapped his arms around me possessively, as we kissed romantically, hugging me closer to his body.

But the doubts, caused by Alex’s resonant voice in my mind, were growing rapidly…

“This is our little secret, Jack.”

“I just wasn’t thinking straight… Why didn’t you try to stop me?”

"One more hit…"

What the fuck does all this mean?

I eventually tore my lips away from his and turned my head to the side slowly. His wandering lips placed a trail of kisses from my cheek down to my jaw, and then to my neck, ghosting over the fading red mark he had given me. I closed my eyes and exhaled slowly, before placing my hand under his chin and pulling his face back up to the same level as mine, so I could look him in the eye.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, looking worried.

My thoughts are choking on you, my dear...

“I just… don’t think this is a good idea."

His face fell at my words. I managed to make my own heart sink too, even though my traitor heart was what was telling me to stop in the first place. It pained me to do this, but I had no choice.

I reluctantly unwrapped his arms from around me, causing them to fall to his sides in rejection, but my hands reached out to hold onto his. He grasped hold of them tightly.

“Why don't you want to kiss me?”

The truth isn’t far behind me...

“Because I don’t want to be your dirty little secret,” I mumbled quietly, looking down at our connected hands.

I need something good to rely on, something for me…

Alex frowned at me, his shining eyes analyzing mine thoroughly. Then one of his hands let go of mine and he brought it up to caress my face. I couldn't help but tilt my head into his hand, melting under his touch.

“You’re not my dirty little secret, sugar,” he assured me in a whisper, looking me dead in the eye. “You’re my highly addictive drug.”

Together, holding hands we’ll fall...

Notes

"Is it okay to be addicted to something?"
"No"
WRONG FUCKING ANSWER JACK!!!!!!!! how do you think Jack is going to take it, knowing that he is Alex's addictive drug. or will he completly forget that Alex just fucking told him he is addicted to something then Alex said it was Him.