Truth Between The Lies
Get Down On Your Knees And Tell Me You Love Me
POV Jack
Three hours had passed since I confessed everything to Rian, but the conversation was still echoing in my mind. As I lay in bed, the sound of Zack snoring was almost completely drowned out by my own deafening thoughts.
Rian seems fairly confident that the “plan” is a good one. I, on the other hand, have my doubts. I think it’s a long-shot, to say the least. I just have a fucking bad feeling about it. I mean, how often do things turn out well when you do something you’ve been specifically told not to do? I would say there’s no harm in trying, but who am I kidding? Alex might freak out on me, and I don't want that to happen.
But then, if Alex carries on avoiding me, we’ll carry on drifting apart and I could end up losing him. So, the real decision here is whether I let him keep pushing me away, or take the risk and try to fight the growing force that’s repelling me... It will either result in Alex telling me the truth about what’s bothering him, or building the fucking metaphorical wall around him higher.
It’s a risky little game that I have no choice about playing.
***
The following day, when it approached show time, I arrived at the stage area with Rian, Zack and Rob. Alex must have stayed the night on Lisa's bus because he didn't come back to ours last night. He met us backstage just in time for us to go on.
When he was walking over to join us my eyes lingered on his face pensively for a little longer than I intended. I was captivated by the dark rings under his eyes and his unusually pale complexion. He looked ill again.
Worry started flooding through me automatically as I started wondering what was wrong with him. He didn’t look fit enough to perform again… And I was entitled to have my doubts, seeing as the show was near enough a disaster last time he was feeling rough (which was only 2 days ago).
“So, where’s Lisa?” Rian enquired suddenly, snapping me out of my own thoughts and anxiety.
I tore my eyes away from Alex, who seemed to have avoided my gaze purposefully, and looked at the empty space next to him that has recently been almost permanently occupied with Lisa.
Her absence lifted my fucked up heart. I couldn’t stop my hopes raising at the sudden thought that maybe they had split up.
“She flew back to Baltimore last night,” Alex responded flatly.
I just about managed to control my lips as they threatened to twitch into a pleased smile at this news.
“How come?” I asked curiously.
He didn’t look at me when I spoke to him; he stared straight past me, like he was fixated on something. I felt paranoia creeping through my veins and I glanced uncertainly over my shoulder, only to see an empty field. I quickly turned back to Alex with a questioning glare.
“Yeah, why?” Rian frowned, equally confused at the news.
“Family problems,” Alex answered eventually, facing Rian as he spoke, showing that he was replying to him, not me.
I sighed hopelessly as I felt the almost familiar tension between me and Alex in the air. Things were far from normal between us and I needed to change that.
I could feel Rian’s burning eyes on my face, so I turned and they locked with mine. He gave a sympathetic look, followed by a discrete nod, and I knew it was his way of reassuring me everything was going to work out fine. I wasn't the least bit reassured though.
My eyes lowered to the floor, breaking the contact. I still wasn’t sure about how or evenifI was going to take the risk with Alex onstage tonight. There was a distant voice in the back of my head that refused to go away and made me fear the consequence of my actions more and more each minute...
“If you break his rules, you won’t break down any walls around him… You’ll only end up breaking yourself,”the voice insisted, repeatedly destroying my confidence.
“Oh man, that’s rough... When’s she coming back?” I heard Zack ask Alex.
“I don't know, but it better be soon,” was his immediate reply.
Well, the longer, the fucking better, as far as I’m concerned.
I don’t understand why Alex is turning into one of those obsessive boyfriends that can’t stand it when his girlfriend leaves his side… I wish it was me he was so dependent on.
“Well, anyway… Are we going to do this or what?” Alex asked unenthusiastically, nodding towards the stage impatiently.
“Yeah. Come on,” Rian nodded, heading over to the steps leading to the stage.
We all followed blindly.
When we were gathered at the bottom of the steps, all of us turned to face eachother, ready for the high-fives. All of us except one... Alex rushed up the steps without so much as a backward glance at the rest of us. We all glowered at him as he strutted off to stand in the shadows of the dark stage.
“What the fuck is his problem?” Robbie demanded.
“He’s probably just missing Lisa,” Zack offered with a shrug.
My heart sunk inside my chest at this reasonable suggestion.
No, Zack… Just no.
We all sighed and high-fived eachother without Alex, then followed in his steps onto the stage.
As I played my guitar riff to our opening song ‘Stay awake’ inattentively, I was distracted by the weight resting on my shoulders with tonight’s show.
Alex was blissfully unaware of what I was planning to do during ‘Get on your knees’ (our final song of the evening)… And utterly oblivious to the fact that every second that passed was a second closer to me “breaking down” his figurative barrier.
It’s a good job my hands have a mind of their own once they’re playing guitar, because I certainly didn’t have a focused state of mind. The songs blasted out one after the other and I played half-heartedly, unable to stop myself from worrying about what I had to do.
I was losing my nerve… fast. It didn't help my confidence that Alex was already visibly in a bad mood tonight. How would he react to me disobeying his orders?
I wasn’t the only one distracted by something though… Alex was too. It was painfully obvious, especially when he fucked up the words in ‘weightless’; he sang the second verse first and then got completely muddled up when it came to the second verse and he had already sung it.
And he wasn’t being his usual outrageous self before 'six feet under the stars' or 'Poppin’', or talking very much to the crowd in between songs, like he usually does… He was completely zoned out, it seemed.
I didn’t know what was weighing on his shoulders, but if the thing that was currently weighing on my shoulders worked out well, then I would hopefully find out…
My hands were actually shaking as I started strumming the intro for our last song of the night; ‘Get on your knees and tell me you love me’. This was always the song we liked to engage in a little 'Jalex action' onstage whilst playing. And now I'm going to bring that tradition back...
I was suddenly very focused with the current mission on hand and I found myself listening to Alex singing the lyrics so intently. My mind decided to pretend that he was singing to me…
“I've been played a fool four, three, too many times and…”
You play with my heart and I can never tell if you’re lying to me or not. Fine. I want the truth… What the fuck is going on with you, Alex?
“When did lust for you become an organized crime?...”
You make me feel happy and you leave a hiky on me but then you make me cover it with your stupid scarf, you’re always letting me down like that. You’re mainly letting me down by avoiding me. But I’m not going anywhere. Things are notbetter off the way they are between us right now… That’s why I have to do something about it.
Suddenly, Rian popped into my mind, breaking my new-found concentration. I glanced sideways at him and he looked at me questioningly. I knew what he was saying just by his facial expression;Last song… last chance.But I hadn’t forgotten and I wasn’t putting it off… I was just waiting for the right moment.
I nodded impatiently at him; he raised his eyebrows and turned and looked back at his drum set at the back of the stage, Zack also went to the back, which meant he was no longer stood in between Alex and me… The only thing now separating the two of us was that goddamnwall.
“I tried to keep you honest, babe.”
Oh, Lex… I try so hard ,You wear me out so much.
“Did you mean it? Could you feel it when you broke into my head?”
Do you even notice what you have been doing to me? I just need the truth
“Did you fake it just to break another stranger in your bed?…”
Do you really care about me or am I just your toy you use and then throw me away when you’re done? All you do it is build me up just to tear me down. And that is why I’ve got to put an end to it...
“Was it worth it? ...”
Everything that has happened between us meanssomething. Why can’t you see how I feel about you? I’ll show you that you mean the world to me...
The rest of the words that came out of Alex’s mouth sounded foreign; my brain had given up processing the lyrics under the unbearable pressure I was putting myself under.
I distantly heard a new guitar play in my ears, it was Robbie playing my solo. I looked over at Rian and he winked, and I realized;It’s now or never.I took a few uncertain steps in Alex’s direction, rapidly closing the space between us.
I don’t know whether he honestly didn’t see me approaching out of the corner of his eye, or he was avoiding my piercing gaze once again, but he didn't meet my staring eyes.
As I continued to close in on him, my brain suddenly seemed to understand Alex’s sweet voice again; his words invaded my head once more.
“'cause I was just a card you played the draw so well, it hurts to know you're gone, you're gone, you're gone…”
Why do you have to play with me? Let me in! I’m not gone!
I took another few determined steps closer as he sang his heart out. The distance between us was almost nothing now, and he was definitely avoiding my eyes, because there was no way he can’t have noticed me standing so close to him. But I took the fact that he hadn’t immediately moved away from me as a good sign.
“Did you mean it? …”
I’m listening…just tell me if you meant it!
“Was it perfect when you up and left me cynical? …”
You ravish me then leave it and that dries me crazy! Was that your plain all along?…
“Like you planned it, you're a bandit!”
You Are! Did you plan on hurting me?
I stretched out a quivering hand and placed it on top of Alex’s on the microphone. He finally turned to look at me questioningly and his shoulders stiffened noticeably at the contact, but he didn’t try to stop me turning the microphone to face me as I leaned forward and said into it“You got that right.”
I need you to trust me, Alex… I won’t tell anyone you’re secret.
My hand let go of Alex’s hand and the microphone, then reattached itself to his cheek in one swift motion. I saw the panic flash behind his eyes, but before anything else could happen, I reached up and pressed my lips to his softly.
I waited for him to pull away; I was almost sure he would… But he didn’t. I took this to mean it was okay to keep going, and I ran my tongue along his lips, begging for entrance. I felt hesitation in the kiss; he was really thinking about it, and I knew that once his mind was made up, I would either be accepted or rejected.
After a few seconds of uncertainty, his lips parted for me, kicking my energized heart into overdrive. The kiss deepened; his tongue fought with mine for a few heavenly seconds, and everything else seemed to fade out. The screams and cheers of the crowd... The music we were playing... Everything sounded kind of distant. I felt like it was just me and Alex standing here and no one could see us.
We eventually broke apart at the same time, and as soon as my lips left his, they were missing him. Our bright eyes locked together as I stepped back, and my lips formed a genuine smile.
I think I’m okay now
Three hours had passed since I confessed everything to Rian, but the conversation was still echoing in my mind. As I lay in bed, the sound of Zack snoring was almost completely drowned out by my own deafening thoughts.
Rian seems fairly confident that the “plan” is a good one. I, on the other hand, have my doubts. I think it’s a long-shot, to say the least. I just have a fucking bad feeling about it. I mean, how often do things turn out well when you do something you’ve been specifically told not to do? I would say there’s no harm in trying, but who am I kidding? Alex might freak out on me, and I don't want that to happen.
But then, if Alex carries on avoiding me, we’ll carry on drifting apart and I could end up losing him. So, the real decision here is whether I let him keep pushing me away, or take the risk and try to fight the growing force that’s repelling me... It will either result in Alex telling me the truth about what’s bothering him, or building the fucking metaphorical wall around him higher.
It’s a risky little game that I have no choice about playing.
***
The following day, when it approached show time, I arrived at the stage area with Rian, Zack and Rob. Alex must have stayed the night on Lisa's bus because he didn't come back to ours last night. He met us backstage just in time for us to go on.
When he was walking over to join us my eyes lingered on his face pensively for a little longer than I intended. I was captivated by the dark rings under his eyes and his unusually pale complexion. He looked ill again.
Worry started flooding through me automatically as I started wondering what was wrong with him. He didn’t look fit enough to perform again… And I was entitled to have my doubts, seeing as the show was near enough a disaster last time he was feeling rough (which was only 2 days ago).
“So, where’s Lisa?” Rian enquired suddenly, snapping me out of my own thoughts and anxiety.
I tore my eyes away from Alex, who seemed to have avoided my gaze purposefully, and looked at the empty space next to him that has recently been almost permanently occupied with Lisa.
Her absence lifted my fucked up heart. I couldn’t stop my hopes raising at the sudden thought that maybe they had split up.
“She flew back to Baltimore last night,” Alex responded flatly.
I just about managed to control my lips as they threatened to twitch into a pleased smile at this news.
“How come?” I asked curiously.
He didn’t look at me when I spoke to him; he stared straight past me, like he was fixated on something. I felt paranoia creeping through my veins and I glanced uncertainly over my shoulder, only to see an empty field. I quickly turned back to Alex with a questioning glare.
“Yeah, why?” Rian frowned, equally confused at the news.
“Family problems,” Alex answered eventually, facing Rian as he spoke, showing that he was replying to him, not me.
I sighed hopelessly as I felt the almost familiar tension between me and Alex in the air. Things were far from normal between us and I needed to change that.
I could feel Rian’s burning eyes on my face, so I turned and they locked with mine. He gave a sympathetic look, followed by a discrete nod, and I knew it was his way of reassuring me everything was going to work out fine. I wasn't the least bit reassured though.
My eyes lowered to the floor, breaking the contact. I still wasn’t sure about how or evenifI was going to take the risk with Alex onstage tonight. There was a distant voice in the back of my head that refused to go away and made me fear the consequence of my actions more and more each minute...
“If you break his rules, you won’t break down any walls around him… You’ll only end up breaking yourself,”the voice insisted, repeatedly destroying my confidence.
“Oh man, that’s rough... When’s she coming back?” I heard Zack ask Alex.
“I don't know, but it better be soon,” was his immediate reply.
Well, the longer, the fucking better, as far as I’m concerned.
I don’t understand why Alex is turning into one of those obsessive boyfriends that can’t stand it when his girlfriend leaves his side… I wish it was me he was so dependent on.
“Well, anyway… Are we going to do this or what?” Alex asked unenthusiastically, nodding towards the stage impatiently.
“Yeah. Come on,” Rian nodded, heading over to the steps leading to the stage.
We all followed blindly.
When we were gathered at the bottom of the steps, all of us turned to face eachother, ready for the high-fives. All of us except one... Alex rushed up the steps without so much as a backward glance at the rest of us. We all glowered at him as he strutted off to stand in the shadows of the dark stage.
“What the fuck is his problem?” Robbie demanded.
“He’s probably just missing Lisa,” Zack offered with a shrug.
My heart sunk inside my chest at this reasonable suggestion.
No, Zack… Just no.
We all sighed and high-fived eachother without Alex, then followed in his steps onto the stage.
As I played my guitar riff to our opening song ‘Stay awake’ inattentively, I was distracted by the weight resting on my shoulders with tonight’s show.
Alex was blissfully unaware of what I was planning to do during ‘Get on your knees’ (our final song of the evening)… And utterly oblivious to the fact that every second that passed was a second closer to me “breaking down” his figurative barrier.
It’s a good job my hands have a mind of their own once they’re playing guitar, because I certainly didn’t have a focused state of mind. The songs blasted out one after the other and I played half-heartedly, unable to stop myself from worrying about what I had to do.
I was losing my nerve… fast. It didn't help my confidence that Alex was already visibly in a bad mood tonight. How would he react to me disobeying his orders?
I wasn’t the only one distracted by something though… Alex was too. It was painfully obvious, especially when he fucked up the words in ‘weightless’; he sang the second verse first and then got completely muddled up when it came to the second verse and he had already sung it.
And he wasn’t being his usual outrageous self before 'six feet under the stars' or 'Poppin’', or talking very much to the crowd in between songs, like he usually does… He was completely zoned out, it seemed.
I didn’t know what was weighing on his shoulders, but if the thing that was currently weighing on my shoulders worked out well, then I would hopefully find out…
My hands were actually shaking as I started strumming the intro for our last song of the night; ‘Get on your knees and tell me you love me’. This was always the song we liked to engage in a little 'Jalex action' onstage whilst playing. And now I'm going to bring that tradition back...
I was suddenly very focused with the current mission on hand and I found myself listening to Alex singing the lyrics so intently. My mind decided to pretend that he was singing to me…
“I've been played a fool four, three, too many times and…”
You play with my heart and I can never tell if you’re lying to me or not. Fine. I want the truth… What the fuck is going on with you, Alex?
“When did lust for you become an organized crime?...”
You make me feel happy and you leave a hiky on me but then you make me cover it with your stupid scarf, you’re always letting me down like that. You’re mainly letting me down by avoiding me. But I’m not going anywhere. Things are notbetter off the way they are between us right now… That’s why I have to do something about it.
Suddenly, Rian popped into my mind, breaking my new-found concentration. I glanced sideways at him and he looked at me questioningly. I knew what he was saying just by his facial expression;Last song… last chance.But I hadn’t forgotten and I wasn’t putting it off… I was just waiting for the right moment.
I nodded impatiently at him; he raised his eyebrows and turned and looked back at his drum set at the back of the stage, Zack also went to the back, which meant he was no longer stood in between Alex and me… The only thing now separating the two of us was that goddamnwall.
“I tried to keep you honest, babe.”
Oh, Lex… I try so hard ,You wear me out so much.
“Did you mean it? Could you feel it when you broke into my head?”
Do you even notice what you have been doing to me? I just need the truth
“Did you fake it just to break another stranger in your bed?…”
Do you really care about me or am I just your toy you use and then throw me away when you’re done? All you do it is build me up just to tear me down. And that is why I’ve got to put an end to it...
“Was it worth it? ...”
Everything that has happened between us meanssomething. Why can’t you see how I feel about you? I’ll show you that you mean the world to me...
The rest of the words that came out of Alex’s mouth sounded foreign; my brain had given up processing the lyrics under the unbearable pressure I was putting myself under.
I distantly heard a new guitar play in my ears, it was Robbie playing my solo. I looked over at Rian and he winked, and I realized;It’s now or never.I took a few uncertain steps in Alex’s direction, rapidly closing the space between us.
I don’t know whether he honestly didn’t see me approaching out of the corner of his eye, or he was avoiding my piercing gaze once again, but he didn't meet my staring eyes.
As I continued to close in on him, my brain suddenly seemed to understand Alex’s sweet voice again; his words invaded my head once more.
“'cause I was just a card you played the draw so well, it hurts to know you're gone, you're gone, you're gone…”
Why do you have to play with me? Let me in! I’m not gone!
I took another few determined steps closer as he sang his heart out. The distance between us was almost nothing now, and he was definitely avoiding my eyes, because there was no way he can’t have noticed me standing so close to him. But I took the fact that he hadn’t immediately moved away from me as a good sign.
“Did you mean it? …”
I’m listening…just tell me if you meant it!
“Was it perfect when you up and left me cynical? …”
You ravish me then leave it and that dries me crazy! Was that your plain all along?…
“Like you planned it, you're a bandit!”
You Are! Did you plan on hurting me?
I stretched out a quivering hand and placed it on top of Alex’s on the microphone. He finally turned to look at me questioningly and his shoulders stiffened noticeably at the contact, but he didn’t try to stop me turning the microphone to face me as I leaned forward and said into it“You got that right.”
I need you to trust me, Alex… I won’t tell anyone you’re secret.
My hand let go of Alex’s hand and the microphone, then reattached itself to his cheek in one swift motion. I saw the panic flash behind his eyes, but before anything else could happen, I reached up and pressed my lips to his softly.
I waited for him to pull away; I was almost sure he would… But he didn’t. I took this to mean it was okay to keep going, and I ran my tongue along his lips, begging for entrance. I felt hesitation in the kiss; he was really thinking about it, and I knew that once his mind was made up, I would either be accepted or rejected.
After a few seconds of uncertainty, his lips parted for me, kicking my energized heart into overdrive. The kiss deepened; his tongue fought with mine for a few heavenly seconds, and everything else seemed to fade out. The screams and cheers of the crowd... The music we were playing... Everything sounded kind of distant. I felt like it was just me and Alex standing here and no one could see us.
We eventually broke apart at the same time, and as soon as my lips left his, they were missing him. Our bright eyes locked together as I stepped back, and my lips formed a genuine smile.
I think I’m okay now
Notes
GOOOOOOOOOO JACK!!!!!!!! GUYS!!!! I MADE IT TO THE POPULAR PAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LIKE HOLY SHIT!!!! thank you thank you! i love it when you guys comment because i will reply every time! AAAAAHH soooo how do you think Alex is going to react? of yeah.. what do you guys think is going to happen next?
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It is August. I totally get that life interrupts and writing is hard (I haven't updated in months), but I really hope you update soon. I quit reading for a while and just reread the whole thing now that its a lot further into the story. I'm dying. I'm sobbing. Jack needs to live
8/2/16