Jack POV

Alex looked at me uncertainly, before glancing over his shoulder to where Lisa was stood, and then quickly turning back to face me.

“What about?” He asked hesitantly, like he feared the answer.

But how could he not know what I wanted to talk about? Has he forgotten what happened between us last night already?

“Last night,” I replied straightforwardly, staring at him intently.

Alex sighed and shook his head, rejecting me.

“Now’s not a good time, Jack,” he said under his breath, looking behind him again.

His paranoia that Lisa was listening was rapidly starting to piss me off.Together we’ll move on, just don’t turn around.

Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I could see Lisa start coming over to us. I rolled my eyes and turned to focus back on Alex.

“I just need to know what it means,” I said lowly, loud enough for only him to hear.

I know it means something...

"It wasn't... It just... It meant nothing," Alex stammered, but his words contradicted what his hypnotic eyes were telling me. I didn't believe what he was saying; I could see it in the way he stared at me so deeply, so intently, that it meant something to him, like it did to me.
Stop talking shit.

Before I had a chance to reply, Lisa suddenly appeared at his side.

“Great show, guys,” she smiled at us both.

My eyes dropped to her arms as they snaked round Alex's waist almost possessively.
Alex smiled at her sweetly…Falsely… And put his arm round her shoulder. I felt my eye twitch in annoyance and my blood boil with envy.

“Do you mind? We’re kind of in the middle something here," I stated as politely as I could. (It seriously took so much control not to tell her to just fuck off.)

I still managed to sound rude though, and Alex didn't appreciate my tone.

"Hey, don't be a dick," he frowned disapprovingly at me.

I glowered at him, thinking to myself;"the only dick here is YOU."

"We’re done talking anyway... So, I’ll catch you later,” he added dismissively, steering Lisa away from me at a fast pace as I stood there helplessly.

"We’re done?" Fuck off, we didn’t even start!

I got the feeling he wasn't just referring to the conversation either... He was talking about us in general.

The depressing fact of the matter is, very simply, that whenever Lisa is around there is no “us” in Alex and I. But he can’t avoid me forever… Sooner or later, I will find out the truth.

I sighed as I walked gravely through the suddenly vacant, dark fields back to the tour bus on my own. The air was filled with distant laughter and music from all the bands and people having parties nearby.

I wish I was able to join in with the fun... Just ditch my worries for the evening... But I knew that if I went to a party I’d have no incentive to stop myself getting completely trashed, which is a path I should avoid going down as much as possible...In retrospect I wouldn't do it again.

Soon enough, I arrived back at the tour bus alone, drowning in the feelings of rejection once again after being abandoned by Alex in my attempt to talk things over with him. I felt completely drained of energy and motivation.

I dragged myself straight through the living room, straight past the guys in conversation on the sofa (but not before I glanced in their direction to see if Alex was with them... He wasn’t, of course), and straight into the bedroom, where I collapsed on my bunk.

I slowly pulled offAlex’sscarf and unveiledAlex’smark on my neck.

How am I supposed to stop obsessing over him, when everything is a fucking reminder?You break me down.

I threw the scarf on the floor in frustration and lifted my hands to my face, covering my eyes and pretending I could disappear for a while... Or at least block out the pain I felt inside.

Then all of sudden, I heard the bedroom door swing open and someone enter.

Could it be...?

My heart started beating fast with anticipation and I removed my hands from over my eyes to look up hopefully.

It was only Rian.

“Oh... hi,” I said, making no effort to hide the disappointment in my voice.

"Hey..."

Rian looked at me with a concerned expression and slowly lowered himself to sit on the edge of my bed.

“Jack, are you okay?” He said worriedly.

Oh, not again.

I opened my mouth to respond with my usual lie of"I'm fine"when Rian spoke again; "Tell me the truth."

Jesus, is he a fucking mind-reader or what?

It’s funny that the band member that wants to talk to me is not the one I want to fucking talk to. Oh, irony... You bitch.

“The truth sucks,” I stated resentfully.

Everything about the current situation I'm in sucks.

“Lies suck harder,” Rian was quick to retaliate, a look of reasoning on his face.

Hmm... Jack Barakt: 0, Rian Dawson: 1.

“Alright, fine... Honestly? No, I’m not okay,” I sighed.

Rian nodded, looking at me sympathetically, and there was a familiar exploring look in his eye.

“What’s going on?” He asked softly.

I remained silent for an extended length of time, lying on my stomach and hanging slightly off the edge of my bed, looking at the floor where Rian had caught me lying face down (and pants down) last night.

“Alex is the most frustrating person in the world,” I mumbled vaguely.

“True," Rian agreed automatically. We all know how high-maintenance and frustrating Alex can be at times... But no one quite knows it as well as I do. "What’s he done now?”

He's playing a fucking game with my heart.

I sighed and rolled onto my back on the bed again, staring up at the bunk above. Then, I stretched my neck out and slowly brought my hand up to trace my fingertips over the darkened bite mark Alex had given me last night.

“Jack, please… Just tell me,” Rian pleaded, completely missing what I was showing him.

He is so unobservant. I get the feeling if I made a fucking sign pointing to the hicky Alex gave me he still wouldn't see it.

I rolled my eyes and exhaled heavily, taking my fingers away from the hicky and just pointing at it indiscreetly.

“Uh, whoa, is that hicky?” He gasped, ogling at the mark on the clear view of my neck I had given him.

“Uh-huh,” I responded vacantly, before turning back to face Rian.

"Oh..." Rian nodded slowly as something seemed to fall into place in his head. "So that’s why you were wearing the scarf!”

Wait... What? I just showed him that Alex gave me a hicky and he’s talking about the fucking scarf?!

“Yes, well done...” I said slowly, looking at him with raised eyebrows, encouraging him to dig a little deeper.

Rian narrowed his eyes at me curelessly, Then, finally, it hit him and his eyes widened considerably.

“Alexgave you a hicky?” He choked out in disbelief. “What the fuck?!”

There it is. The reaction I was waiting for...

I nodded wordlessly.

“But… what! He’s with Lisa!” Rian exclaimed in confusion.

My eye twitched for the second time this evening at the mention of her name.

“Yes.That’swhy I have to wear the scarf,” I muttered bitterly.

“Wait… So when did this happen?” Rian demanded.

Once he is in on the gossip, you can’t get away with not mentioning every single fucking detail... But seriously, can't he figure it out by the length of time I've been wearing the scarf?

“Last night,” I answered unenthusiastically.

“Last night?”He repeated dramatically, his jaw dropping to the floor. “But… he’s been with Lisa all day today…”

Hence why I'm upset...

“He’s avoiding me,” I replied bitterly.

“I- I don’t understand… What the fuck is going on with you two? Are you together or what?”

Welcome to my life of confusion right now, Rian… It sucks.

“I have no idea what's going on," I retorted flatly.

Really, I don't. I wish I did though.

“Oh… So do you like…Likehim? Or are you just, uh, fucked up friends?” Rian cocked an eyebrow inquisitively.

It never felt right calling this “just friends”...But "fucked up friends" has quite a ring to it...

Maybe it’s time I told someone the whole unforgivable truth… It will only continue eating me alive in silence otherwise. And I know I can trust Rian to keep my secret...

“I likelikehim,” I replied honestly, imitating Rian’s voice.

“How much…?” Rian enquired, narrowing his eyes at me.

How do I sum up just how much I like him?No one else could ever mean half as much to me as you do.

“Uh... Enough to keep me up every night for the last couple of weeks… To let him completely walk over me all the time… And to make me feel like ripping my own empty heart out every time I see him with Lisa,” I confessed dejectedly, finally pouring my painful, hidden feelings for Alex for the first time.

And of all the people to finally tell the truth to, I choose his goddamn mother... Nice one, Jack.

Rian’s mouth fell open again and he stared at me in astonishment. I swallowed nervously, breaking the eye contact and looking down.

Have I just made the biggest mistake of my life in confessing the truth?

I was slightly surprised that Rian didn’t immediately freak out or make some Rian-ish remark such as“eww dude, that’s your best friend you’re fantasising over”, if i'm honest. But I guess even though Rian’s annoying sometimes, he’s one of my best friends, and even he knows when the situation is serious and when I’m in the mood to be comforted, not mocked.

“Wow...” He managed to say after a while, gradually seeming to overcome his state of shock. “I always knew you liked him… But I didn’t realize you're inlovewith him.”

Did I say I was in love with him? No! ...But I guess Rian can see right through me, because I am.So in love with you…

And wait… What the fuck does he mean he “knew I liked him”?

“Wha- How the hell did you know I liked him?” I wondered audibly.

Rian arched an eyebrow at me and looked at me skeptically.

“Are you kidding? I see the way you look at him, Jack. And the way you act around him… Like earlier, when you were staring at him and Lisa with the most devastated expression I’ve ever seen you have… It's obvious, man.”

Holy shit... If it's so obvious then maybe Alex already knows...

I groaned out loud and ran my fingers through my knotted hair.

“But I’ve also seen the way he looks at you…” Rian continued apprehensively.

I looked up at him intently.Hopefully.

Does that mean…?

“...And I’ve always believed he likes you too.”
Yes!

My hopes raised dramatically inside of me and I literally felt my eyes light up.

“Really?”

“Look, I’m not promising you anything here, Jack,” Rian said quickly, alarmed by the sudden elation in me. “It's just a theory I’ve had for quite some time... But I don't know anything for certain. You'll just have to talk to Alex… Tell him the truth, man.”

My heart sank again and my facial expression fell slightly at these words.

“I tried to talk to him earlier, but he won’t listen. I told you... He’s avoiding me,” I explained sullenly.

“Jack, you’ve got to fight for him. If he doesn’t listen when you talk, don’t tell him with words… And do NOT let him keep avoiding you,” Rian urged strongly.

I was slightly taken aback by his... enthusiasm. I never thought I'd see the day when Rian was encouraging me to get physical with my best friend...

“You don’t understand what he’s like around me Rian. He won’t let Lisa leave his side, because he just doesn’t want to be alone with me… I know it,” I said sadly.

It's like he's afraid of being alone with me now.

“Well… I can think of one place where Lisa can’t be by his side and you can,” Rian replied thoughtfully.

I frowned, thinking hard. And then I suddenly realized with a stab of disappointment where he was talking about.

“Onstage? Forget it. Alex has already banned me from going near him during shows now,” I sighed in defeat.

Alex rolled his eyes at this, causing me to frown at him.

“I know you said you let him walk all over you because you love him, but you shouldn’t do that… You should stop him building this wall he’s putting between the two of you and find outwhyhe’s building it,” he advised expertly.

I'm gonna break down these walls...How the fuck do I do that?

“I don’t want him to hate me,” I muttered.

“I doubt he could ever hate you, Jack," Rian comforted me.

Well, I don't doubt it... He's so unpredictable.

“How aboutyoutalk to him for me?” I suggested hopefully.

Rian shook his head. “What makes you think he would tell me whatever he is hiding from you?”

“You're easy to talk to. I mean,Itold you everything I’ve been hiding fromhim…”

“Yes, but I know Alex... He doesn’t give in without a fight. And this is not my war. You two need to sort this out between you,” he declared stubbornly.

I exhaled noisily.

“I guess you’re right.”

There's nothing left to lose.

“Right, so tomorrow night onstage, I think you should push the boundaries… Ignore what Alex told you and act like you used to with him onstage. His reaction should tell you everything you need to know,” Rian stated in a matter-of-fact tone.

Jesus Christ… Who the fuck knew Rian Dawson was secretly a therapist, as well as a mind-reader?

“Well, okay… I’ll try. But if the plan backfires I’m going to kick your ass,” I threatened.

Let the walls break down.

Notes