Jack POV

I stood and watched Alex tossing and turning relentlessly in his sleep for a while, mumbling incoherent things, before the unmistakable words “I need Lisa” fell from his lips and I decided I had heard enough.

What does it even mean if Alex dreams about needing Lisa, but says in reality that he needs me? It’s like his mind is contradicting itself… And it’s fucking confusing.

When he said he needed me yesterday it sounded like he meant it... Did he?I still try holding onto silly things; I never learn.I think he should define"need".

As soon as I stepped out of the bedroom and into the bathroom, flashbacks and images of last night replayed in my head and everything came crawling back to the front of my mind.

Alex’s smirk. My embarrassment. His bright eyes glistening with desire. My momentary state of shock. His hand on my dick. The intense pleasure. The panic that flashed across his face afterwards. And his crushing declaration that it was to remain a secret.

I heaved a defeated sigh and stepped in front of the mirror to assess the damage. My eye was immediately drawn to the deep, red mark on my neck, and no doubt so would every other eye be.

I ran my fingers over the love bite absent-mindedly, cherishing that Alex had given me it and loathing that I had to pretend he hadn’t. It’s just a fucking reminder of everything I have to lie about.I can’t trust myself with anything but this.

I don’t understand what possessed him to do it. Was it just his foolish way of claiming me as his? Making me his dirty little secret?

I slowly traced my fingertips up to my hairline, pushing my long, tangled hair out of my face to reveal a faint bruise on my forehead from where I had banged my head on the bedroom floor. This mark wasn’t such an obvious clue as to what went on between me and Alex; it was just yet another reminder to me.

I tore myself away from the mirror and went to the toilet, before leaving the bathroom that is now filled with amazing, yet forbidden memories.

I stopped in my tracks when I was suddenly met by the sight of Alex sitting at the kitchen table. I was surprised, because I thought I was the only one awake so early. I glanced at the clock on the wall instinctively, wondering exactly how long I had been in that bathroom. It read 8:55am, so I couldn’t have been long.

For some reason I felt nervous about talking to Alex. How was I supposed to act? Should I mention last night?I can’t decide.

He didn’t seem to see me standing there like a lost puppy. He didn’t seem to see anything… He looked so deep in thought. I didn’t know whether to break him out of his trance or not, so I just dithered in the doorway for a further few extensive seconds.

Finally, I abstractedly walked forward and took a seat opposite him at the table.

We sat in silence for a painfully long time; me looking at the floor, sneaking glances in his direction every now and then, and him staring into space. Then suddenly, after several tense moments, I felt his eyes burning into me, finally noticing I was sat there.

I managed to tear my focus away from the floor in time to briefly catch his gaze, before his eyes dropped and lingered on my neck, staring regretfully…Yes, it was regret...The look of resentment in his eye was painfully evident.

The clock ticking was the only thing keeping me from drowning in the silence. I didn’t know what to say and neither did he, apparently.

But then, unexpectedly, he sighed heavily and the sound of a chair scraping across the floor filled the room as he stood up abruptly from the table and stomped off, without one word to me.

What the fuck was that all about? Is it really going to be this awkward between us now?Why do we like to hurt so much?]

The sound of the clock ticking was once again the only sound filling the room; it echoed in my ears piercingly, but it was my only company.

“Here.”

My heart suddenly skipped a beat at the sound of his voice and I jumped in surprise as my thoughts of loneliness were suddenly interrupted.

I turned around in my seat to face Alex who was now standing behind me. He was holding something that looked like an old cloth, which I assume he had just gone to retrieve.

“What’s that?” I asked, raising an eyebrow and nodding towards what he was holding.

“It’s a scarf,” he stated flatly, like it was the most stupid question in the world.

I stared at it blankly as his outstretched hand held it out to me. I realized that I had actually seen it before, because it belonged to him... I just hadn’t seen him wear it in ages. I thought it was long gone, actually.

“Um, thanks? But I don’t tend to wear scarves in the middle of summer,” I replied slowly, frowning at him.

“Well, you’re gonna have to,” he retorted sharply.

I had to bite my tongue to stop myself disagreeing that, in fact, I haven’tgotto do anything he says... And I wouldn't if I didn't feel the way I do about him.

But arguing with Alex is pointless anyway… I’m the only one that would ever lose.

"How much of an idiot am I going to look wearing a random scarf when it's like a hundred fucking degrees outside?" I demanded, still refusing to take the scarf from his outstretched hand.

Okay, so, I wasn’t really bothered about looking like an idiot... That’s the least of my fucking worries. I was just searching for an excuse not to wear it and just show off my hicky to the world.

I wanted to brag to everyone I know that Alex was the one who gave it to me… I wanted to shove it in Lisa’s face.... I wanted to shout it from the fucking rooftop… But what kind of regretted secret would I be then?

Alex rolled his eyes at my protesting.

“Well, you're not wearing it to look fucking fashionable, are you?" He hissed, and this time it was my turn to roll my eyes.

I didn’t want to cover up the mark, but I knew I didn’t have a choice in this. Alex is deluded. But I’m an idiot in love and I will do anything to keep him happy.

“Why did you fucking do it in the first place? I could have told you that you would turn into a paranoid wreck,” I snapped short-temperedly, demonstrating exactly how predictable Alex is sometimes.

“I’m not a paranoid wreck,” he disagreed, frowning defensively. “I just don’t want people figuring out what happened. I wasn’t thinking straight… You should have stopped me," he added accusingly, trying to put the blame to me.Well, I don’t wanna be the blame, not anymore… It’s your turn.

“I tried! You wouldn’t listen!” I exclaimed in disbelief that he had the nerve to say that to me. “And I was kinda too distracted…” I muttered to myself in an afterthought.

My whole mind was completely disconnected from everything while Alex was ’claming me as his’.If I ever start to think straight this heart will start a riot in me.

The accusing glare on Alex’s face disappeared instantly; his face fell completely at my words.

“You…triedto stop me?” He asked, looking horrified all of a sudden.

I frowned deeply at him.

What’s the big fucking deal about that?

“Well, yeah… I didn’t think it was your smartest move ever,” I said slowly.

His expression didn’t change; he continued staring at me with wide eyes, like I had just slapped him or something.

"And you couldn't..." He whispered to himself, looking deep in thought.

I cocked an eyebrow inquisitively.

He didn't say anything for a few very disconcerting minutes. Then, all of a sudden, he broke out of the trance and turned on his heel to walk abruptly towards the nearest escape route.

What the hell has gotten into him?

This time it was my face that fell.

“Where are you going?” I enquired in confusion, jumping to my feet too.

He groaned frustratedly in response to my question.

“What?”I questioned, exasperated.

The only response I received this time was the front door slamming.

Oh, charming.

He’s never been one for explanations or confrontation and it frustrates me endlessly. But we can’t spend our lives avoiding each other forever; we need to sort out whatever mess we’ve got ourselves into now… Before it’s too late.You have made it harder just to go on.

My gaze fell to the floor instinctively and I suddenly found my eyes resting on Alex’s scarf that he must have dropped during his over-dramatic display of panic.

I rolled my eyes as I bent down to pick it up.

Even though it hadn’t been worn by Alex in so long, it had his scent all over it. Coffee and cigarettes combined could never smell as sweet and addictive on anyone else… I could literally feel the fumes coming off of it and going straight to my head.

I suppose wearing this for a while couldn’t exactly hurt…

***

“Dude, what's with the scarf? You look like a 15 year-old scene kid,” Rian commented bluntly, looking sideways at me as we walked through the muddy fields to get to the stage we were due to play shortly.

"Excellent. That’s the look I was going for,” I sneered, avoiding his question.

“Dude...” Rian repeated, shaking his head.

Then he glanced at me again with a frown on his face.

“Isn’t that Alex’s scarf as well?”

“What, so he can steal my hoodies but I can’t steal his scarf?” I demanded cynically.

It's true; Alex is always taking those hoodies of mine… I don’t mind, of course.

Rian put his hands up in mock surrender at my defensive outburst.

“Alright, jeez… What’s with the fucking winter clothes war between you two?” He wondered aloud.

I smirked at his confused tone of voice, but didn't answer his question.

Rian didn't wait long for an answer before moving onto his next question; “Have you seen Alex today, by the way?”

Why must he change the subject to something I am trying not to think about?

Alex has been gone all fucking day.I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you’re not here?It literally aches to be away from him.

“I swear that fucker disappears off the face of the earth some days,” Rian added with a sigh, shaking his head.

It’s not like we both don’t know where he goes. But I’m glad Rian hasn’t stated the obvious, because if I can keep pretending to myself that he’s not with her, then I can keep pretending it doesn’t hurt me…

“I saw him briefly before he, uh, went out this morning,” I admitted hesitantly.

...Before he freaked out over nothing...

I stifled a pained sigh and looked down to my feet as I walked. I could feel Rian’s suspicious glare on my face, but I didn’t look up and he didn’t pester me for all the details, which was actually rather shocking.

The stage area gradually came into view in the distance, and I mentally prepared myself to be avoided by Alex once again. It wasn’t until we were close enough to our destination that I realized I had not, however, prepared myself for the sight of him and Lisa to be in a passionate embrace.Pain, make your way to me, and I’ll always be just so inviting.

I stopped in my tracks without realizing as I felt betrayal creeping through my veins.That’s what you get when you let your heart win.

“Dude, are you okay?” Rian frowned at me, looking from my shattered facial expression to where my eyes were fixated, on Alex and Lisa.

I snapped myself out of it immediately and forced myself to continue walking towards the two of them… Towards the unavoidable pain…

“Yeah, fine,” I said quickly, not even bothering to think up an excuse as to why I had just abruptly stopped.

Rian looked unconvinced, but he just sighed.

I’m really beginning to wonder what has gotten into him… Why isn’t he harassing me for information today? He’s usually a nosy little fuck.

I tore my eyes away from the sickening sight of Alex with his arms roundherand noticed Robbie and Zack standing nearby, deep in conversation.

Rian and I made our way over to them at a slow pace.

I had no idea if anyone was talking to me while we were standing there, or even if I was absent-mindedly talking back, because I felt so disembodied all of a sudden... I didn’t feel connected to the conversation at all. My mind was far away, tainted with unanswered thoughts and questions about Alex.

Then, suddenly, Alex came over to the four of us and a switch seemed to turn on inside my brain, bringing me back to focus again.

“Alright, we’re on, guys,” he announced, standing with his arm round Rian’s shoulder.

“Let’s do this!” Rian exclaimed.

Everyone raised their hands and went round the circle, high-fiving eachother. (It’s kind of a pre-stage ritual). I high-fived Rian and Zack half-heartedly and turned to Alex. We stared at each other for a split-second and the emptiness was haunting. I lifted my hand expectantly and was actually surprised when he co-operated. The reluctance was hard to miss though.Where did this awkwardness between us come from?

Then, we all headed off onto the stage hurriedly. I could feel the exhilaration in the air, but I was somehow refusing to breathe it in. For the first time ever, I didn’t feel psyched about going onstage... I just felt numb.

***

I was in another world tonight onstage. I couldn’t even enjoy doing what I love. I couldn’t concentrate on anything buthim…

That tears it.

As the five of us departed from the stage, I quickly caught up with Alex and managed to grab onto his arm before he reached Lisa, who was only a few meters away, having just watched the whole set from the side of the stage.

He looked at me in alarm and shook off my hold on him.

“Alex, we need to talk.”

Take a seat; we’re settling the final score.

Notes

well damn.... "You tries to stop me? And you couldn't..." think about that... think long and hard about what is going on in Alex's mind...