Jack POV

The following morning I woke bright and early. Again. I’m just glad I managed to sleep at all, with all the thoughts of Alex and all the mixed signals he sent me last night invading my dreams and subconscious.

When will this confusion end?

I don’t understand him. He wants 'us' to remain a secret, but he didn't exactly make it fucking easy for me to hide it with all the evidence of what we did that he painted on my skin tonight. I mean, I won’t fucking tell anyone what happened, but the massive hicky he left on my neck might!

The guys aren't stupid; I know they know what goes on with me and Alex. But why did he make it so obvious in the first place if he doesn't want people to figure it out? He makes no sense.

But I have no choice but to keep the secret and let it destroy me, because I know Alex, and I know he would rather damage me than his reputation. I let you have all the power. And it would damage his precious reputation if people found out that he was messing with me like this when he has a girlfriend.

But, of course, he doesn’t realize that this is damaging me so much more, because he doesn’t know my other, bigger secret: I am insanely in love with him. And for that reason, I would much rather keep my mouth shut and damage myself rather than spill the secret and damage my chances with him. The only company I seek is misery all around.

We both embrace secrets and lies due to our own fucked-up fears. It makes me wonder exactly what he is hiding from everyone, especially me...

Alex POV



I made sure to keep a safe distance. He was unaware that I was watching him, stood talking cheerfully to a crowd of people with blank faces. The only thing I could see clearly was him. Everything else was distorted. Blurry and out of focus.

He suddenly threw his head back and laughed carelessly. I envied him; he didn’t have a care in the world. He didn’t live a lie.

All of a sudden, I felt the beast inside of me awaken with a stab of panic.

Fuck... How could I let myself get so near him and so far away from Lisa again?

I wanted to run. Run away, back to Lisa and send the beast drifting off to sleep again. But I knew it was too late. I was trapped in the familiar state of mind and suddenly rooted to the ground, unable to move my feet. It’s like I’m stuck.

“Just one more hit,” the beast inside of me purred, causing my hands to start trembling.
I need a fix, I can’t take it.

I clenched my fists and squeezed my eyes shut as tightly as I could, trying to force the obsessive thoughts to the back of my mind and regain control. I felt myself growing weaker as the void inside of me ripped open once again, desperate to be filled.

“No… I’ve got to resist temptation…” I whimpered out loud.

“You can never give him up now… You’re addicted,” the creature smirked into my ear.
I’m never gonna quit you over time.

I flinched at the words of my own fucked up conscience. I‘ve never been one to embrace the truth. The truth is a terrible thing; I’d rather drown in a river of denial than face it.

“I can give him up! I’m n-not... addicted,” I cried in feeble protest.

“You will always keep on coming back for more,” the beast roared, silencing me at once. “You're nothing without him. You need him.”

It’s like you’re a drug.

The words echoed inside my mind, distracting my thoughts and causing my heart to beat faster.

The beast was speaking the truth. I need him more than I ever needed the drugs… More than I ever craved the alcohol… This was a whole new level of addiction.

“Lisa. I need Lisa,” I tried to argue weakly out of fear.

The beast growled in aggravation at the mention of Lisa and it only slightly started to fade away as I used my little remaining strength to focus my thoughts on my girlfriend and conjure up a faint image of her pretty face in my mind.

But my concentration relapsed and I knew it was not enough. Although my eyes were closed, they weren’t able to block out the image of his face swimming in amongst my thoughts, taking over my mind.

“Make him yours,” the beast suddenly roared, after listening to my silent, irrational thoughts.

“No! Focus, Alex… Lisa…" A different voice inside my head shouted, willing temptation and the beast away.

I know these voices in my head are mine alone.

Everything was getting too loud inside my head. My heart was beating frantically out of sync and echoing in my ears. My whole body was shaking uncontrollably and I had to clench my teeth together in an attempt to prevent from screaming in frustration. I was in the middle of a fucking breakdown. It’s like you’re a leech sucking the life of me.

“Alex?” A familiar voice rang in my ears and I suddenly couldn’t take it any longer.

I pathetically fell to my knees, slamming my fists to the floor in anger. I’m giving up slowly.

“Fuck, Alex...” The same voice said in a more urgent tone.

It was then that I realized the voice wasn’t just another one inside my head. It was real. It was him. It’s like you’re a ghost that’s haunting me.

My eyes snapped open but my fists remained clenched. He was no longer a safe distance away, surrounded and protected by people. He was knelt next to me on the floor, wearing a look of bewilderment on his face. He put his arm round my shoulders as a sign of affection.

He’s too caring towards me… Too loyal... So fucking vulnerable. He would do anything to help me… But he doesn’t know how desperately I need help.

The beast inside of me started to purr and I broke into a sweat as another wave of panic crashed over me.

“What the fuck is going on?” He questioned anxiously, staring at me with wide eyes.

“You have him right where you want him,” the beast inside of me smirked, clearly excited.

“Go away, Jack,” I demanded shakily through gritted teeth.

I know I’ll never change my ways if I don’t give you up now.

He needed to get the fuck away; I couldn’t fight the beast much longer.

Much to my frustration and torture, he didn’t move.

“No! Don't shut me out... Let me in. Let me help!” Jack replied in deep concern, also refusing to remove his arm from around me.

I am having a fucking mental breakdown and there is nothing he can do to help, because he is the cause… So, he needs to LEAVE.

If he could hear the fucked up thoughts and urges going through my head, he would be gone in a heartbeat.

“This will all end if you give in,” the silky, tempting voice of the beast whispered.

No… Yes… Please make it stop! Leave me alone…

“He will make it stop,” the beast replied in a seductive voice, as it seduced my mind and thoughts.

My head was all over the place, but I knew the urge had already managed to take over my mind… It was inside of me, suffocating me, and there was no way out now… It’s like I can’t breathe.

“…Alex? Are you having a mental breakdown or what?” Jack frowned at me.

I looked up to meet his worried eyes. My own eyes were reflected in his… Swimming with Lust… Desperation… Determination…Obsession.

The look in my eye seemed to register in his brain because I saw panic flash quickly as the realization hit him. I didn’t waste any more time before leaning towards him, in for the kiss… The kill… But he abruptly moved away.

“Not again...” He sighed, starting to climb to his feet.

“Don’t let him get away!” The beast commanded and I didn't have the power to defy the order.

I urgently grabbed onto Jack's hand to keep him from standing up. I found that I was no longer weak, because the indomitable beast was on my side.

It was me. I had become the beast.

My new-found strength had Jack falling straight to the floor.

“Hey! What the fuck are you doing?” He objected, struggling to break free of my hold on him.

I pinned him to the floor and crawled on top of him, crashing my lips to his with such force that he had no hope of breaking the kiss.

Just one more hit… I promise I can do it.

My tongue didn’t even need to force it’s way into his mouth; the invitation was clear when he opened his mouth willingly. He was fucking kissing me back! Luring me in... I’m hooked on you.

My body gradually stopped shaking as we made out on the cold, hard floor for minutes on end. But something wasn’t right. The dark void inside of me had not completely healed, like it usually does every time my lips connect with his.

I needed more.

I’ll handle the quitting… Just a little bit more to get me through this…

I tried to shake the growing urge to take things further from my fucked-up mind, but Jack's tongue in my mouth and the unfilled void inside my heart were making it unbearably stronger.

Lust and temptation inevitably combined and took over my mind in a matter of seconds. I had sailed past the point of no return; I knew that nothing would stop me now from doing something I knew I would regret later… Not even Jack.

My hands snaked between us and started undoing his pants. Predictably, Jack jerked away from the kiss at the contact.

“No, Alex… Don’t,” he objected, shaking his head.

“Shh, Jacky,” I breathed, not stopping what I was doing… Not even knowing what I was doing either. It’s like I’m not me.

“I said no!” He said in a louder, more desperate tone of voice, ignoring my attempt to silence him. "Get off me!"

The devil inside me smirked and I felt it on my own lips.

He writhed underneath me, trying to break free, but he was no match against my unbeatable strength as I forced his jeans down.

But then, all of a sudden, like a wave in the ocean crashing over me, I was drowned in the sound of thousands of people booing. It was like someone had just turned the volume up from mute to full-blast inside my head.

I sat up on top of Jack, who had gone completely silent, and looked around in confusion.

My heart skipped a dangerous amount of beats as I realized we were in the middle of a fucking empty stage being watched by thousands of people.

Panic levels inside of me kicked into overdrive and I jumped off of Jack and to my feet immediately.

“It wasn’t what it looked like! I wasn’t… We just…” I stammered lamely to the crowd, but my lies were drowned out as the booing got louder.

I glanced urgently at the floor where I had just got off of Jackk. It was empty... He was gone.

Everything suddenly went dark and silence was the only thing deafening me now. The void inside me was overtaking me; I was drowning in sudden emptiness. And the only thing I could see, whether it was in front of me or in my mind, was Jack’s face, filled with hurt and betrayal. I can’t see anything… Nothing but you.

Guilt stabbed me in the gut and I felt myself falling down, but this time I didn’t hit the ground… I didn’t stop at all.

“Jack!” I shouted to him, reaching out to hold him.

But he didn't stop me from falling. He watched as my world crashed down around me and the darkness consumed me.

And then, I was gone.

I awoke with a start, disorientation flooding through me.

What the FUCK was that?

My heart was beating insanely fast, as if I had just been running a marathon. I jerked upright in my bed and searched the room with my wide eyes. Confusion was replaced with relief as I finally understood that it was just a fucking awful dream. My mind wandered off into the realms of what I had just dreamt… Terrible things I could never speak of…

There is nothing I fear more than everything my subconscious had just conjured up…
Losing control. Losing Jack. Humiliating myself in front of the world. Addiction…

Addiction is a very dangerous thing; it really fucks with your mind. I've been losing my mind the past few days and there's quite a clear reason for it: I’m addicted to you.

Notes

and i think Alex is crazy...........