I'll Tell You Stories Bruised & Blue
All the Things I Remember, Were They Worth Writing down?
I've never been a normal girl. At some point in my life, there has always been an emotional situation to deal with. I grew up with the typical, dead-beat dad that everyone complains about. My memories go as far back as to when I was three and I would sit outside in the rain with my sister, waiting for a man to show up who never would, not until years later when our time came to a sudden hault and we would never have the chance to properly mend things. When I was four, my neighbor decided to murder my dog because he knocked his daughter over and smothered her with kisses. When I was five I was forced to up and leave everything I ever knew and start over, shortly after only to realize that by leaving my home town my grandfather would die and I would go to my first funeral. By the age of six I was showing signs of social anxiety. My wrist started to scar before I was eight. The list goes on and on, to the point that when I was eleven I was stealing wine from the cellar and smoking pot before school.
It was at age twelve that I met Stephanie and by age fourteen I had to let her go. They always say we have that one age that would forever change us and shape the mold, and I guess that was my golden year. Recovering from such a cruel Summer wasn't something that I couldn't bring myself to do, no matter how hard I tried. And it isn't just that Summer that scarred me. Only weeks before my father died, my mother filed for a divorce. I didn't care so much that I was losing my step-dad, I cared that I would lose my two sisters, and I did. Then, once the news came that Daddy was dead, Mama lost her mind. She was drunk every night, in and out of bars, to the extend that I would have to go pick her up and drive the car home. It wasn't easy and that's probably why I refused to go home as much as I did back then. That, or it could be the fact that I feared I would end up in foster care like my sister had the year before. She was released from care when she tured eighteen, finally allowed to enjoy her life again. Six months later Daddy was a goner.
I guess that's why when Rae left, I gave up on everything. School, that was obviously on the list of things to give up, but I am proud to say despite all the Hell it took, I graduated 1.5 years before my actual class did. And I did it with honors.
Even so, I lost myself along with the way. Adrian and I continued our friendship when Steph was gone, until she told me she thought she was gay and asked my opinion on it. I think it's apparent by now that I have no right to judge anyone - and I don't - so I told her this. From there she told me had a crush on me, and though Adrian was my other half, I couldn't commit to anyone again. We had a falling out when she found a new girl that could. It sucked to lose her but by this point I was used to it. From there I decided it was time to mend some bad things in my life, reconnecting with one of my ex-step-sisters. She saw my struggle and I saw her problems, so together we fled the state (don't worry, mom never noticed I was even gone) for weeks at a time. We shacked up with a guy she met at Hot Topic and got drunk all the time. Life was better this way, at least for me. Meeting people to enjoy but never really care about. Even had myself a fling while I was there. Still miss that boy sometimes.
Given that my birthday is in November, by the age of fifteen I'd already been through a lot of the above facts. Along that journey I met two people who would forever change my life. A boy named Zack and a girl named Sam. Zack and I hated each other at first, but over time we realized that we had much more in common than we cared to admit. Months later, he was my very best friend (and yes, this means he was ahead of Rae, who I still kept in touch with and loved deeply). Like all happy things in my life, however, this came to an end. On August 25th, my best friend died after having surgery on a brain tumor.
Grief stricken, I totally lost my mind. It's one thing to lose a family member, someone you've loved your whole life because they're just that: Family. But to lose someone you hand picked to be a part of your life and to be so important, that's... That's something I never want to feel again. After doing a lot of stupid things and trying a lot of stuff I told myself I never would, I gained a firm enough grip on reality to test my limits. I fell in love with someone who brought me back down to Earth when I just wanted to float away. Sam and I were an item.
However, we cannot forget who I am nor can we forget my track record. Despite the love I had for this girl, I ended our relationship eight months later. She was the opposite of me in every way. A good girl who didn't drink or do drug, never smoked a cigarette in her life and certainly couldn't claim the party scene as a friend. I'm proud to say we're still a part of each other's lives to this day, but with that new found freedom, I went crazy again.
Sixteen was an equally as tough year. I was kicked out of my house and couch surfed for many, many weeks. Even found myself falling in love again with a boy who swooned me with moonshine. Getting with him clamed me down - again - to an extend that I got my shit together and moved in with my grandma, who wasn't doing so hot. Said boyfriend even moved in with me, our relationship being compromised once by the return of someone I never wanted to see again. That was the first time Alex Gaskarth appeared in my life again, and truth be told, I would have dropped everything to be with him again. We clicked as if nothing bad had ever happened between us. He and Jack even came over to hang out with me.. But when I got a message from his ex-girlfriend telling me that she was pregnant with his child, I tossed him out of my life. Shortly after I turned seventeen and my grandmother passed away.
I was broken once more.
But seventeen is when I really started to come into my own and lose control. My grandmother left me her house and a decent amount of money. What did I do with it? Partied. My doors were open to anyone and everyone who had booze, because by this point, I was no longer hooked on pills, nor did I smoke pot.
What I didn't realize was, that by opening those doors, my past would invite itself right back into my life by the time I was the bitter age of eighteen.
Alex sure was a cocky motherfucker when he walked through that door.
It was at age twelve that I met Stephanie and by age fourteen I had to let her go. They always say we have that one age that would forever change us and shape the mold, and I guess that was my golden year. Recovering from such a cruel Summer wasn't something that I couldn't bring myself to do, no matter how hard I tried. And it isn't just that Summer that scarred me. Only weeks before my father died, my mother filed for a divorce. I didn't care so much that I was losing my step-dad, I cared that I would lose my two sisters, and I did. Then, once the news came that Daddy was dead, Mama lost her mind. She was drunk every night, in and out of bars, to the extend that I would have to go pick her up and drive the car home. It wasn't easy and that's probably why I refused to go home as much as I did back then. That, or it could be the fact that I feared I would end up in foster care like my sister had the year before. She was released from care when she tured eighteen, finally allowed to enjoy her life again. Six months later Daddy was a goner.
I guess that's why when Rae left, I gave up on everything. School, that was obviously on the list of things to give up, but I am proud to say despite all the Hell it took, I graduated 1.5 years before my actual class did. And I did it with honors.
Even so, I lost myself along with the way. Adrian and I continued our friendship when Steph was gone, until she told me she thought she was gay and asked my opinion on it. I think it's apparent by now that I have no right to judge anyone - and I don't - so I told her this. From there she told me had a crush on me, and though Adrian was my other half, I couldn't commit to anyone again. We had a falling out when she found a new girl that could. It sucked to lose her but by this point I was used to it. From there I decided it was time to mend some bad things in my life, reconnecting with one of my ex-step-sisters. She saw my struggle and I saw her problems, so together we fled the state (don't worry, mom never noticed I was even gone) for weeks at a time. We shacked up with a guy she met at Hot Topic and got drunk all the time. Life was better this way, at least for me. Meeting people to enjoy but never really care about. Even had myself a fling while I was there. Still miss that boy sometimes.
Given that my birthday is in November, by the age of fifteen I'd already been through a lot of the above facts. Along that journey I met two people who would forever change my life. A boy named Zack and a girl named Sam. Zack and I hated each other at first, but over time we realized that we had much more in common than we cared to admit. Months later, he was my very best friend (and yes, this means he was ahead of Rae, who I still kept in touch with and loved deeply). Like all happy things in my life, however, this came to an end. On August 25th, my best friend died after having surgery on a brain tumor.
Grief stricken, I totally lost my mind. It's one thing to lose a family member, someone you've loved your whole life because they're just that: Family. But to lose someone you hand picked to be a part of your life and to be so important, that's... That's something I never want to feel again. After doing a lot of stupid things and trying a lot of stuff I told myself I never would, I gained a firm enough grip on reality to test my limits. I fell in love with someone who brought me back down to Earth when I just wanted to float away. Sam and I were an item.
However, we cannot forget who I am nor can we forget my track record. Despite the love I had for this girl, I ended our relationship eight months later. She was the opposite of me in every way. A good girl who didn't drink or do drug, never smoked a cigarette in her life and certainly couldn't claim the party scene as a friend. I'm proud to say we're still a part of each other's lives to this day, but with that new found freedom, I went crazy again.
Sixteen was an equally as tough year. I was kicked out of my house and couch surfed for many, many weeks. Even found myself falling in love again with a boy who swooned me with moonshine. Getting with him clamed me down - again - to an extend that I got my shit together and moved in with my grandma, who wasn't doing so hot. Said boyfriend even moved in with me, our relationship being compromised once by the return of someone I never wanted to see again. That was the first time Alex Gaskarth appeared in my life again, and truth be told, I would have dropped everything to be with him again. We clicked as if nothing bad had ever happened between us. He and Jack even came over to hang out with me.. But when I got a message from his ex-girlfriend telling me that she was pregnant with his child, I tossed him out of my life. Shortly after I turned seventeen and my grandmother passed away.
I was broken once more.
But seventeen is when I really started to come into my own and lose control. My grandmother left me her house and a decent amount of money. What did I do with it? Partied. My doors were open to anyone and everyone who had booze, because by this point, I was no longer hooked on pills, nor did I smoke pot.
What I didn't realize was, that by opening those doors, my past would invite itself right back into my life by the time I was the bitter age of eighteen.
Alex sure was a cocky motherfucker when he walked through that door.
Notes
Okay guys, now is the time to decide for sure if you want a sequel! Trust me, there's a lot more drama to come.. You guys have been amazing and words cannot describe how much I love you! Also, because I needed something to distract myself, I made a tumblr and I have no idea wtf I'm supposed to do on that site, haha! It's on my profile. <3.Big thanks to everyone who commented! You guys are the shit! <3.
AllTimeSloth
Shootupsunshine
AllTimeJuless
a-sunrise-on-the-eastside
earthtotiffie
I Got The Guts To Say Anything
Barrakitty_Sel
h4yleywilli4ms
GhostWriter
Alex's_lover
singmetosleep
x_Amy_o
Im-Holding-On-Till-May
ATLfan101
all_time_paige
xokateehxo
Lol yes sequel!!!!!! :D <33333
9/3/13