I sit there, just staring at my razor. The temptation is so strong, but I promised myself I wouldn't do it. I can't do it. Jack saying not to do it just reminds me that I shouldn't. I'm not even mad at him as much as I am at myself. My self hatred from when i was sixteen is coming back. The memories of being anorexic. The self harm. The suicidal thoughts.

Sometimes I wondered why I did it. It's times like this where I remember why. It was all because i couldn't cope. Not with my brother's passing. Not with my dad leaving me. Not with my mom being an alcoholic. NOt with the bullies. I couldn't cope.

I glance at my phone hoping maybe Jack had texted me, but then I remember we broke up. Pretty harshly at that. It was partly my fault i guess. If I had just let him explain then maybe we would be okay. We wouldn't be broken up and sure I'd be pissed, i mean wouldn't you be?

Now Jack is probably out drinking and then he's going to go home and he's going to sulk. He was pretty upset when i wouldn't let him talk to me, but I couldn't handle it. With all the thoughts swirling around in my head, it made it hard to concentrate on really anything. I know I'm overreacting at this point. It's just me... me who's fucking everything up.

As usual.

I reach for my razor when I hear a door slam. I spin on my chair, confused. My dad isn't getting home until midnight. I glance at the clock. Wow... have i really been sitting here for two hours? I stand up, taking one glance at my razor before heading downstairs. I reach the stairs and see my dad throwing his bag on the counter and sighing.

I head down the steps and walk towards him slowly. Something must've happened. He's pretty upset.

"Dad... what happened?" I ask him, standing on the other side of the counter. He looks up at me clearly not ready to talk about it, but knowing me, I fucking push it anyway. "Are you okay?"

"Do I look okay, Alexander?" he asks, the use of my full name making me cringe.

"I was just asking." I mutter. He sighs. "I guess I'll just-"

"No." he starts. "We lost a four year old girl to lung cancer." Cancer.

The evil bastard that took the life of my boyfriend for six hours. Wait. Do I really still care about Jack at the moment?

"Oh... I'm sorry." i sigh. He shrugs. He's always been one to try to forget about it as fast as possible.

"I thought you'd be in bed." he says, getting up and walking to the fridge. I shake my head. "You probably should. You have an interview tomorrow morning at eleven." he explains.

"Is it with Rian?" I ask. He turns and shakes his head. "Zack?"

"I thought you knew about this." He says. I shake my head. "It's with Jack." I freeze.

We're going to have to do some kind of affectionate thing. No one knows we broke up. No one. We've kept it hidden for a longer time than I thought we would. A day. And we had a signing. I thought everyone would've known by now. As if it wasn't obvious earlier at the signing.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah. It's fine. Can't wait." i say, giving him a thumbs up and fake happiness. He looks at me weirdly and nods.

"Well, I'm off to bed. Long day." he sighs, heading upstairs. When he's out of view, I lean on the marble counter and groan.

Great.

I head upstairs after one beer and sit at my desk. I grab my razor and lean back in my chair, kicking my feet up to rest on my desk. I play with it for a few minutes, just twirling it around in my hands and then hold it to my wrist.

I haven't done this in... seven years. Seven years clean. Am I really going to throw that down the drain?

Yes.

I drag it across my wrist, not paying attention to how badly it hurts or how deep it went. Just at the fact that I'm doing it and it feels good. How did I go seven years without doing this? When i'm finally focused again, i realize I have four kind of deep, bleeding cuts. The blood drips down my forearm and I smile a little.

I get up, setting my razor down and walk into the bathroom. I wash up and change into pajamas, my arm burning. I crawl into bed and shut my eyes.

---

"Alex!" my dad shrieks. I groan. "it's ten thirty! Your interview is in a half hour!" SHIT!

I jump out of bed and throw on a Blink shirt and jeans andhead downstairs after throwing on a black hoodie. My dad looks at me and laughs. I glance at the clock and groan.

"Damn it dad!" I shout. It's only nine o'clock.

"How did you not look at the clock?"

"I didn't think you were messing with me, but now I know not to trust you when I'm sleeping." I mutter.

"Rian is picking you up. I have to work again. Make sure you eat." he says. I nod. "Oh, can you come by later. There's a kid who just tried to kill himself and he's seventeen. He likes your band and if he met you and you told him how important he was, take some pictures, sign some stuff and hung out with him for a few hours, maybe he won't try again."

"Sure thing padre." I say, patting his back. He smiles.

"Thanks, Alex. See you... at one?"

"Yup! I'll stop by Hot Topic or something to get him a shirt. Because i have nothing else to do with my life after an interview." I say. He nods and smiles. "Adios." I say. He leaves and I walk into the living room.

I don't want to eat. Screw food.

I turn on the TV and watch whatever's on MTV and wait for Rian to show up. When he does, i hear Jack's voice as well. Zack is there, but he's his normal quiet self.

"Alexander! Get out here, we gotta go!" Rian shrieks. I turn off the TV and grab my phone, heading outside. I make sure my sleeves are over my hands and get into the car. "Interview here we come."

"We heard what happened." Zack chimed in. I try not to visibly tense at that. Does he already know what I did to my arm? Was I too obvious? "Why are you so pissed at each other?"

"I'm not pissed at him." Jack mutters. I glare at him and look forward, not saying anything.

"If you guys don't speak to each other for the interview, then Zack and I will flip shit." Rian says.

"Oh we will, but it will be way different than now." I say.

"Will there at least be words spoken?" Rian asks.

"And kisses and hugs. After, I don't know." i say, looking at Jack for a second. "Right after the interview I need to be dropped at my house ASAP. i need to go to the mall and then the hospital."

"Why? Did you cut again?" Zack asks. Jack's head snaps in my direction and I shake my head.

"No. I don't have a reason to." I lie. He nods. "There's a patient my dad is tending to who likes our band so my dad wanted me to stop by and try to convince the kid that his life is worth living and that he's worth something. Same thing you guys did to me when I went through that." I explain.

"Can I come?" Zack asks. I nod.

"Anyone else?" I ask, kind of hoping Jack will say no.

"Can't. Going with Brendon and Ryan somewhere." Jack says.

"Brendon and Ryan are in town?" Rian asks. Jack nods.

"Yeah."

"I can't either. Cassadee and I made plans." Rian says. I high five Zack.

"So I guess it's just me and you." I say to him. He nods and smiles. We get to the studio and I take a deep breath. I look at Jack and he sighs. We get out of the car and Rian pulls me aside, Zack pulls Jack aside. "What?"

"If you screw this up, we'll lose a lot of fans. I hope you know that." he says. I look at him, fear in my eyes.

"Way to make me think about it! Rian! I fuck everything up!" i almost shout. I suddenly go quiet and he gives me a look. I haven't thought that in... years.

"Alex." he says slowly. I look at my feet. "You haven't said that since we started our careers." he says. I don't say anything. I stand there a minute, trying to think of something to cover it up, but since it's me... he thinks I'm going back to old me again.

"Forget it." i say. He shakes his head.

"Alex. You don't fuck everything up. It's just an interview. Pretend you like Jack like you used to. For the sake of our band. A majority of them love you guys together. If you guys told them you broke up, we'd have a stadium filled with fans screaming Jalex or just flat out haters."

"Stop!" i shout. "You're making this worse for me!"

"I want you guys back together as much as the fans would, okay?" he says. "I can already tell you're falling apart."

"No I'm not." i say, trying to stay strong.

"Sure." he says sarcastically. I turn around and walk over to Zack and Jack.

"Let's get this over with." i sigh. Jack looks at me regretfully.

"Alex..."

"Just... c'mon." i sigh. He nods and takes my hand as we walk in, Rian and Zack following. I ddn't realize how painful this would be. And awkward.

"Alex! Jack!" Sarah, our interviewer, greet. "Are you ready?" Time to fake. I'm so good at that.

"Hell yes." i answer with as much energy as needed. Jack looks at me weirdly. "Aren't you Jacky?" I ask kissing him on the cheek. He still looks confused. I never pegged myself as an actor. Humph.

"Yeah." Jack says sounding more dazed than excited. I smile at him.

"Alright, well. Follow me." she says. I lean towards Jack's ear as we walk.

"Just go along with it." I mutter. He sighs.

"I can't... It's painful enough when you're mad at me. Now i have to fake love you while you fake love me when you really hate me? I can't do it."

"I don't even want to be here right now." i sigh. He looks at me.

"Let's just go."

The whole interview, all my head is wrapped around is the pain from last night and my razor. Oh, how I want my razor right now. I need the pain. I need it. Jack gives giving me sorrowful glances when Sarah is looking down at her questions and I just return it with a glare or nothing.

I can't focus enough to keep the act going as long as it needs to. Sometimes I zone out while she asks me a question, but I cover it up by saying that I always zone out and that it's normal for me. She just believes me because she doesn't know me.

Jack on the other hand, knows me and definitely doesn't believe me. He knows me too well to know that I'm not okay. I mean it's good he knows when I'm not okay. He's been with me since we were sixteen. He knows when I'm going to cry, when I'm going to have an anxiety attack. Anything. He's helped me with my Anorexia. He's helped me with self harm. He's helped me with everything. Would you expect him to not know when I'm not okay?

"Alex." Sarah says. I look at her as if I was paying attention the whole time. "So, I have a question for you. People have said they can relate to you. How can they relate to you?" there's the question I knew would come up.

"Um... when I was younger I had a lot of problems. it was actually a year before our career took off." I explain. "A little while before I moved to Baltimore, my brother had died and when we moved to Baltimore, my dad couldn't cope so he left. My mom soon became an alcoholic. She then began to hate me. I met these idiots and Jack was the first one to find out I cut myself. I was Anorexic too. He was there with me when i needed help and stuff.

"A yearish later was when Keith came over. The night before Jack and I had gone to New York City where my mom was in the hospital. We went to visit her and she died telling me she hated me. We came back and Keith came over, blah, blah, blah. then everyone had their parents over and I was standing alone because I had no one to love me.

"When Jack got me out of the bathroom, we sat around and talked about what we were going to do. Jack snapping at his mom is what set me off. It reminded me of when my brother fought with my parents. Later that night I told Jack that... I just didn't want to be alive. Then next day, he left to get something from the store and that's when I tried to die. I got to the hospital and found my dad was the nurse."

"it shocked me." Jack says. I roll my eyes at him and smile.

"Anyway, we found my dad and stuff like that. So... people must look up to me because they can relate to a lot that I went through."

"Wow." Sarah says. i shrug. "How do you remember all that?"

"How do you forget it?" i ask. She nods. When we finish the interview, I just want to go home, but I know I can't. In an hour I have to meet my dad at the hospital.

We pile into Rian's car and they look at me a minute.

"Sorry?" i say, confused on why they were looking at me shocked.

"You're like a natural actor." Rian says, pulling out.

"Just hurry up and take me home." i mutter. When we get home, Zack and I get into my car and head to the mall. After getting a shirt, we head to the hospital. We get there and I see my dad.

"How'd it go?" he asks me. "Hey, Zack."

"I don't want to talk about it." I sigh. My dad leads me to the boys room and opens the door. The boy's eyes open and then widen.

"Alex Gaskarth and Zack Merrick?" the boys asks. Zack and I nod. "What are you doing here?"

"Alex is my son." my dad says. I nod. "If you want to know a crappy life, talk to Alex."

"Shut up dad." I mutter. "You weren't there for a lot of it, ditcher."

We spend a few hours with him and then head home. Zack called Rian for a ride around ten thirty and then I'm alone until midnight. It's about eleven right now.

I find my razor, the razor I've been craving since the interview. I grab it, letting tears fall down my cheeks.

I just relived my life starting at sixteen! All the memories start flooding in, all the pain, the anger, all the tears, all the sadness. Before i realize it, my arm is bleeding with five new cuts on it. I drop my razor and fall to my knees, pressing my palms to my face. Where's my comfort?

Oh.. my comfort was Jack. He's out of my life right now, but for some reason he keeps floating into my head again. Over and over again. I'm not mad at him for the ditching thing anymore. I'm not sure why I'm mad at him anymore. Now I'm just mad at myself.

My stomach grumbles and I grab my razor, lifting my shirt. Before i can cut my stomach, I remember my scar there. I clench my fists and sigh. Screw it. I cut there, five times in five different spots. I end up falling asleep on the ground.

---

I groan when I feel stinging in my stomach. I feel it being cleaned. Shit. Who is it? I peel my eyes open to see Rian. I sit up, wincing and Rian looks at me, horror on his face.

"I knew you weren't okay yesterday." He says. i look at him, tears already brimming my eyes. "It's because of Jack isn't it?" I shake my head.

"N-no." i lie. I didn't lie very well.

"Don't lie to me, Alex." he says. "You're lucky your dad wasn't home. He'd probably take you to a therapist."

"I'm sorry. I had so many thoughts cluttered up in my head and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to relapse since the second day Jack had left." i explain. "Rian, I'm sorry!"

"I'm going to help you. Jack doesn't have to know, but he went out with Brendon and Ryan again." he tells me. I feel a pang of jealousy and shake my head.

"What is he doing with them?" I ask him.

"I don't know. He said they were hanging out in Brendon and Ryan's hotel room. That was it." Rian explains. I nod and sigh. We sit in silence he puts gauze around my stomach and starts to clean my arm.

"Does he hate me?" I ask. He shrugs.

"I don't know." he says honestly. I sigh. "Okay, now we're going to go downstairs and get your mind off your thoughts... That made absolutely no sense."

"I got it." I say. He nods. We head downstairs and I yawn, plopping onto the couch. He sits next to me and I lean my head on his shoulder.

I shut my eyes just wanting to sleep peacefully.

So that's what i do.

Notes

Another update almost 3000 thousand words. I'm eager when it comes to writing:) Haha:)
I hope this one's good:) There's a lot more to come.
Title Credit: My Demons by Starset
-Jenna<3