I Feel Like A Hero

I woke up to a banging on my front door and a pounding in my head. I groaned as I stumbled down the stairs; laughing slightly as I passed Brendon and Ryan passed out on the couch together.

"Jesus Christ," I mumbled as whoever was outside pounded on the door again.

When I finally opened the door, I saw Rian standing on the front step, looking rather irritated.

"What's up bro?" I asked, moving over to let him in.

"You've been ignoring us since that first interview last week," he stated, "So I guess I'm making sure you haven't drowned in your own vomit."

I rolled my eyes, "I'm fine."
"Are you Jack?" he asked, raising an eyebrow, "We've had signings and interviews all week. I get why you'd skip the interviews, but the signings? You live for that kind of stuff!"

I shrugged, "I don't want to pretend to happy when I'm not."

"Ok seriously, what the hell happened to you and Alex?" he practically yelled, "He won't tell us anything."

"I did a relatively stupid thing and he overreacted."

"I'm gonna need more than that," Rian sighed.

"My dad got really sick, ended up dying. I had to go to Lebanon to be with my family and calling him wasn't my first priority," I explained.

He sighed again, "You know how Alex gets."

"Yeah you're right! I do," I snapped, "I know I fucked up but he didn't have to break up with me for it! He wouldn't even let me explain what happened."

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, "Have you tried talking to him since it happened? He's not exactly in the best shape right now."

"At the interview he wouldn't even acknowledge me," I sighed. I was really starting to feel pathetic.

"I really think you should try again. You need each other more than you know," he gave me a sad smile, "We have a photo shoot this afternoon. You need to be there."

As Rian walked towards the door, I stood in silence; allowing what he said to sink in. If he needed me, he'd be here. Alex wouldn't try to spite me by avoiding me even when he needed me, right? I really hope so. I don't need him doing something stupid over me.

"Don't over think this ok?" Rian said, as he opened my door, "Just trust me. And remember, photo shoot. 3 o'clock."

I nodded in acknowledgment as he left my house. I sighed deeply. I want to believe that Alex needs me. But at the same time, he's the one that's ignoring me.

"I think you should listen to him," I heard a voice say from behind me, causing me to jump.

I twisted around and saw Ryan standing in the doorway, "How long have you been listening?"

He shrugged, "Long enough to agree with Rian. Just go talk to him, it'll save you a lot of heart ache on tour."

I sighed, "I don't know, I could just make things worse."

"That's highly unlikely," he pointed out, "He's already ignoring you, how worse can it get?"

"I don't know. It probably can," I shrugged.

"Whatever man, it's your call," he shrugged back at me, "I'm gonna go wake up Brendon."

That right there is one of the reasons I like hanging out with these guys. Like, as much as I love my band mates, we all tend to act like we know what's best for each other because we've been friends for so long. With these guys, they don't everything about me and therefore, they don't try to pull a Rian and be all motherly.

"Wait," I stopped him, "When I walked by, Brendon was literally on top of you. How'd you get up without waking him up?"

He chuckled, "Years of practice."

I raised an eyebrow at him, "can I ask you a question? I've been meaning to, but I don't want to make everything awkward..."

"Go right ahead," he shrugged, "One time I walked in on Spencer masturbating to the little mermaid, so it takes a lot to make me awkward..."

I decided to leave the part about Spencer be; not really wanting to know anymore details, "Is there like, something going on between you and Brendon? Like, sometimes you act like it, and sometimes you don't..."

Ryan sighed and smiled, "Why would that make stuff awkward. We do act like we're dating, but that's because we are. We've just agreed not to go public with it, it's pretty well known with the bands we usually tour with."

"Oh, ok. That's cool," I said, Admittedly, I was acting a little bit awkward. But seriously, how was I supposed to react to that?

~

Five hours later and we were an hour into our photo shoot and I could feel the tension coming off of Alex. He seemed so, sad. He didn't seem as passionate as he usually did. He was more focused on avoiding everyone than he was on the shoot. Which was in turn, messing me up because I was so worried about him. As much as I didn't want to be, I couldn't help it. I'm in love with him; no fight is going to change that.

Maybe Rian was right. Maybe I do need to try to talk him again. That kind of sucks though because Rian's always right and it seems like he knows me better than I know myself. If this goes well, I might have to start listening to him more.

"Hey Alex," I called after him, seeing as we were taking a break. I caught his wrist in my hand.

"What?" he snapped, pulling his arm away from me.

I frowned, he used to lean into my touch, "If I came over after the shoot, would you let me in?" I asked gently.

"No, why would I?" he asked, rolling his eyes, "I don't want to talk to you."

I sighed, "Would you at least keep the door open long enough for me to talk to you?"

He scoffed, "Probably not. I don't care what you have to say."

"Alex you're not being fair," I sighed, "Could you at least give me a chance to explain myself? I know what I did was kind of shitty, but I think what you're doing is worse..."

"Fine," he snapped, "If you come over, I'll give you 5 minutes to say whatever you'd like to me and then I don't want to talk to you unless it's necessary for the band."

I sighed, "Ok, I'll see you later."

~

I took a nervous breath as I walked up to Alex's front door. This is the only chance I have to make Alex forgive me. If I fuck this up, it's over for real. This is terrifying. I can't lose him, I just can't.

I knocked on the door; nervously toying with the flowers in my hands. Maybe buying them was a stupid idea. I'm just going to look desperate and gay. Which, I guess I'm both, but still, I don't want to reek desperation. As I heard footsteps coming towards the door, I made the last minute desicion to throw the flowers in the shrubs by his house. I'm such a mess.

Alex opened the door with a frown on his face, "Your time starts now."

"Getting right to it, eh?" I took a deep breath, "Can I just start off by saying I love you so fucking much. Not being able to talk to you and be with you these last couple of weeks has physically hurt me. You mean that much me," I bit my lip in an attempt to bring my thoughts together, "I know it wasn't cool ignoring you like that, but fuck Alex, my dad died. I know we weren't the closest but I still loved him.

"That's still a shitty excuse I know, but I also learned something about myself in Lebanon. I suck at keeping people close. It's like I'm so single minded that I can't focus on something that's not in front of me and I know that's something I need to work on. And I have been, but it's only been a couple of weeks so give me a break. The main part is, I want to be a better person so I can be a better boyfriend because I love you."

I ran my fingers through my hair, "If you can't forgive me, I guess I understand. But I want you to know, I will never give up on you. I will always be here for you, if you ever decide you want me again, I'll be here. I simply can't imagine my life with anyone other than you. I just love you Alex."

"You need to look at it from my point of view though," he mumbled, "I was terrified I had lost you again. All those years ago, I watched you die right in front of me. So of course I'm going to protective over you."

I smiled, if he was talking to me I must've done something right, "I know that now. Isn't the point of a fight to learn from your mistakes and not do it again? I know what I did was stupid and irresponsible and I put you through hell."

He moved to the side and signaled for me to enter the house, "I might've been too hard on you. Even before we talked you knew you messed up. I just, I needed you to know that you put me through hell. I'm sorry."

I smiled even brighter, "Do you just want to put this behind us?"

He nodded, "Honestly, my bed's cold without you and I miss your kisses."

"Come here," I beckoned, opening my arms.

He stepped into me like he's done so many times before. I curled my arms around him and when he whispered an 'I love you,' suddenly, the last two weeks didn't matter. I was home where I belong.

Notes

So, I had to look at the P!ATD wiki page for something and it just opened up all the wounds and made everything hurt. I will never get over Ryan and Jon leaving. It's been 5 years? Oh well.

Also, there's an hour and a half documentary on American Idiot the musical on Netflix and 10/10 would recommend watching. Even if you're not a Green Day fan, just trust me on this.

Title Cred: Boys Like Girls; Thunder