I Feel Like A Hero

Alex hates me. Alex hates me. Alex Gaskarth, the love of my life, hates me. He even admitted to it. The worst part? I deserved it. I completely and totally deserve his hatred. I did a shitty thing. And maybe, he's overreacting a little bit, but this is all my fault. I should've picked up the phone. I should've remembered sooner. I'm no better than my father was. I pushed him away.

These thoughts and more swirled in and out of my head at a rate so quickly I couldn't handle it. I promised myself I wouldn't cry over him anymore. So instead, I wandered into a bar I often frequented when the need to forget my misery arose. Needless to say, it's been awhile since my last visit. But it seemed as if nothing has changed and no time has passed.

When I sat down, the bartender scoffed and poured me a glass of whiskey- my poison of choice. I took this time to really look at my surroundings. It was about 6:30, so not too many people were here, but I found that those drunk at this time often had a story worth telling. A divorcee hung up on his ex-spouse; a doctor that killed a patient; a girl that's just trying to feel ok again. All stories that I've heard before. All stories that I'll carry with me.

I guess one could say that I'm pretty lucky. As of recent, all of my problems are self inflicted. If I could get my act together, I could redeem myself to Alex. But what I don't understand, is why I am the way I am. I've always had a problem keeping up with relationships. Even when Alex and I dated in high school, I'll admit to pushing him away more than once.

Back then I focused more on Alex and making sure he was ok then I let him get inside my head. It wasn't until after I got sick that I let Alex in. But, even when I got better, I didn't contact him for months. Sure, I didn't have my phone, but if I really wanted to, I could've done it. That just proves I'm a terrible person and he deserves so much better.

I think the scary part is not knowing though. Now knowing if I could've changed. Not knowing if I even had the chance at becoming a better man for him. I've lost him. For good this time. I sighed heavily and rested my head on the bar surface. I'm so frustrated with myself I could easily rip all of my hair out.

It wasn't much later when I heard the barstool next to me screech, indicating someone was sitting down next to me. I sighed and sat up. When I looked over, I saw that Brendon Urie was sitting next to me. Ok, that's weird. I know we're touring with Panic! soon, but the first show isn't for another two weeks. I think. I raised a questioning eyebrow at him.

"Our publicist thought it would be a good idea to schedule a shit ton of press so we're all stuck here all week," he answered my unasked question, "I'm surprised you guys aren't subjected to the same torture."

I shrugged , "We might be. I won't go though."

He chuckled, "It's not that bad."

"I just can't take it this week," I said, biting my lip.

"You ok?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

"I'm fine," I lied.

"Jack, you're alone at a bar-"

"So are you," I interrupted.

"Actually, Ryan's on his way. He had to stop by the hotel first," he smirked, "If something's wrong, you can tell me. I mean, I consider us friends, we had some laughs on Warped last year."

"I guess so," I shrugged once more, "Bad break up. I fucked up and now everythings tense and seeing him just makes me want to cry."

Brendon frowned, "I'm sorry, that sucks. You were dating Gaskarth though, right? What are you gonna do for tour?"

I sighed, "Probably hide in my bunk and never come out. Playing shows is gonna suck though."

"I bet," he agreed, "Why did you guys break up though? If you don't mind me asking."

"It's fine," I muttered, "Well, my parents live in Lebanon, so I guess it's start there. I came home from Alex's the other day to get clean clothes before going back over, but my sister was there. That's weird because she doesn't live around. She said that our dad was sick and we had to leave right then. So I did, and I was there for a week, but I didn't think to call anyone until the last day."

"Wait? Did he break up with you for that?" Brendon asked, looking rather confused.

I nodded.

"Well did you explain the situation?" he asked, "If your dad was sick and you had to be there, it's not your fault."

"He wouldn't give me the chance to explain," I said, "He blew up at me when I tried to apologize. Technically I wasn't with my dad that much at all; he died the second day we were there."

He frowned, "So, you left the country to visit your sick dad, who ended up dying and Alex broke up with you because you forgot to tell him right away?"

I sighed, "Sounds pathetic."

"It is," he agreed, "But not on your part. I don't know Alex very well, but that seems really petty."

"He has abandonment issues and anxiety. I caused them both to spike and now he hates me."

"Wow, you are so far gone my friend," he chuckled, before making a whipping noise.

I sighed, "Whatever man."

He shook his head and took a sip of a drink I didn't even notice him order.

"Hey, Brendon!" I heard someone yell from across the bar.

We both reacted and turned around to find Ryan standing near the doorway. He beckoned Brendon before he noticed me and smiled. I did my best to return it.

"I'll be right back," he said to me before going to greet his friend.

I turned around to face the bar again. Taking another sip of my drink- I was on my second- I came the conclusion that maybe Brendon was right. Maybe Alex over exaggerated. Yeah, what I did was kind of shitty, but it wasn't worthy of a breakup and it wasn't worth all of this pain.

"Hey Jack," Brendon came running over to me, "We're gonna hit up a party in the lower east side, come with us. You might feel better."

I hesitated for a moment. I don't know if I want to do this; lower east side parties are known for being out of control. Rian and I crashed one the summer before we met Alex and it was the craziest party I've ever been to. Well, at least I think, I don't even remember it.

But you know what, I don't care. I really and truly know longer care about my well being. I was a party boy before Alex and now I guess I'm going back to that life, "Sure."

~

It felt like I was flying. I felt exhilarated, like nothing in the world could make me this happy. I actually feel good.

"Ryan, I want another hit," I whined, making grabby hands towards him.

"Are you sure man?" he asked, goofy grin spread across his face, "You don't wanna over do it."

"Rya-an," I complained, "Just gimme the thingy so I can get high. I wanna feel good."

"First off, it's called a bong ya loser," Brendon cut in, giggling like a maniac, "Secondly, you aren't gonna get much higher. You're already like a. Like, I don't know."

"A kite!" Ryan exclaimed, beaming like he had just discovered the cure for cancer.

"Yeah, yeah that!" Brendon laughed, leaning over and resting his forehead on Ryan's shoulder,
"Just enjoy it man. If you want some more later you can have it."

I sighed, probably a little louder than necessary, and crossed my arms over my chest. I leaned back against the pillow that was resting on the floor. I looked over at the guys in the room, they all seemed too blissed out for their own good.

Somehow we- meaning myself and Panic! at the Disco as an entirety- left the party and ended up in a hotel room. I don't remember, but I don't care so, whatever. Somewhere along the way, someone- I think it was Spencer- pulled out some weed and boom, we are where we are now. And damn, I never thought it would feel this good.

But I also feel kind of weird. Like, my problems are still here and I'm still aware of them. I just, right now I don't give a shit. I know tour's gonna be awkward as fuck, but I don't care. I know Alex hates me, but I just don't care. I know he doesn't have a reason to hate me, but I don't care.

I don't care about anything. And I really fucking love it.

Notes

Wait, for once it took me less than a week to update, and Jenna didn't have to nag me about it. This has to be a first, someone document it. But seriously, we planned out the rest of the storyline the other night and I'm really excited for what's to come.

Title Cred: Jack's Mannequin- Rescued

xoxo Mary