I grab my phone after getting out of the shower and see a voicemail. I see Jack's name and roll my eyes, tossing my phone onto the bed. I don't care. He left for a week and didn't even tell me where he went. I could care less.

I change into skinny jeans and a black v-neck. I dry my hair and brush it as my curiouslty grows. Okay... maybe I'll listen to it, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm mad at him. I push call and I hear his voice through the speaker, voice muffled, but clear at the same time.

"Hey Lex. I'm uh- I'm really fucking sorry. I'm out of the country right now. I'm fine though, I guess. I'll be back in Baltimore tomorrow evening, and then I'm coming over because you deserve an explanation. And I'm so fucking sorry I didn't let you know what was happening and I totally understand if you want to break up with me. Just, I love you, ok? I love you so much. I'll see you tomorrow..."

He left?! Where?! Without even telling me?! He's been gone all fucking week and he chooses now, the day before he gets home, to tell me he left?! I spent all fucking week worrying that maybe I drove him away! Worrying that he hated me for some reason. Worrying he was cheating on me. Ignoring me.

I groan and throw my phone onto the ground, clenching my fists. Bullshit. Fucking bullshit. I drop to my knees, burying my head in my hands.

He probably forgot about me knowing he left me for a week and didn't tell him. I know him well enough to know that he's forgetful.

Fucking bullshit.

---

I sit in the living room waiting for my front door to swing open, revealing a very sorry Jack Barakat. The sad part is, I won't feel bad. I just feel numb. My boyfriend left me for a week and let me slowly kill myself on the inside. He's lucky I didn't relapse. I didn't relapse for him, but I was so goddamn close to just dragging that small piece of metal across my wrist.

You have no idea how badly I wanted to do it.

But I didn't.


My front door swings open revealing Jack. He's standing there, his hair smoothed down, skinny jeans on and a black leather jacket on. He looks at me and I just glare at him.

"Alex. I can explain." he says.

"What? Explain what? The fact that you left me for a week to run off to another country?" i ask him, angrily. "You left me on my own to think about bullshit excuses as to why you never came back. I thought you were cheating on me or ignoring me or sick of me!"

"Alex! I'm sorry, but I have a good reason."

"There's no good reason! You left me without telling me! To another goddamn country!"

"My sister dragged me there!"

"You still had a phone! Your sister would've been fine! I fell apart and it was just a week!" I shout at him, standing up.

"Alex, my dad was dying! What the fuck was I supposed to do? Deny my sister and go to your house pretending nothing was going on?" he asks.

"A phonecall or a text would've been useful! You didn't have to leave unexpectedly and not tell me!" I shout at him.

"Well, I'm sorry okay!"

"Sorry doesn't cut it Jack. Not for something like this." I say.

"Then what does?" he asks me. I shake my head.

"I don't know... right now... I don't even know what I'm going to do with myself." I say. "I don't know how I feel or how to feel. I was alone for week, Jack. I don't know if I can forgive you."

"You don't have to. It was a dick move and i should've thought of using my sister's phone, but the only thing on my mind was that my father was dying. I couldn't think." he explain.

"Clearly." i mutter.

"Do you hate me now or something?" he asks.

"No shit." i mutter. He sighs and runs a hand through his hair.

"I'm sorry."

"Stop it." I say. He bites his lip and then I see his mouth move. Nothing comes out, but I'm pretty sure it was another I'm sorry. "You would think after you died, you'd know how much pain you put me through. Imagine being in my mind for this whole week. It's been hell. Rian's been trying to take my mind off you, but it just doesn't work."

"I..." he can't find the words to say. So he says this. "I love you more than anything Alex, but if you want to leave me... I'll still care about you. As much as I do now...but if we break up, what happens to the band?" he asks me. I clench my fists, too angry to even think about that.

"I don't know... I can't think about it." i say, anger evident in my voice.

"I know you're mad, so if you're going to break up with me... do it now. Let me suffer." he says.

As much as I want to, I can't bring myself to say it. Instead I find myself wanting to hug him and tell him I'm sorry for overreacting, but I'm not going to be the weak one. Not after everything that's happened. I'm not coming out as weak. Not this time.

He knows I'm thinking it and says these final words before leaving the house.

"I love you, Alexander William Gaskarth and I always will."

The door slams after him and I just drop to my knees.

What did I do? I let the love of my life go. Now I won't get him back. I'm feeling a mix of emotions. Anger, sadness, depression, hatred, relief and other shit I can't figure out. I clench my fists and bring them to my eyes to stop the tears.

Why am I crying? I did this. I broke up with him. I kicked him out. I said hated him. All without actually telling him.

The tears escape my eyes and I just let them fall down my cheeks. Man up, Gaskarth. You're not weak. You're strong. You're not sixteen year old Alex.

I'm not shy. I'm not alone. I've got a great career. Great fans. A great boyfriend. Wait... no i don't. He's gone. What the fuck did I do?

No. Stop it. You don't feel bad! He left you!

I run up to my room and slam my door, a scream ripping from my throat. I plop onto my bed and let the tears fall down my cheeks. I can't show Jack I'm going to miss him. I have to make sure he thinks I'll be okay without even though i know he knows I won't be. I need to show it.

How will concerts be? A fake relationship? Kissing someone I'm mad at right now on stage in front of people? It will basically be lying to our fans. No one should do that, but... we were so happy together. They'll be crushed. I don't want the fans to hate us, but I don't want to lie to them.

Next thing I know, I have a blade. Before I can do anything with it, i throw it across the room and curl up under my covers, tears still falling.

---

"Alex." I hear Rian call. "Alex. Wake up. We have stuff to do today."

"No." i groan.

"Alex," Rian groans, shaking me. I scoot away from him, not realizing that I'm right on the edge of the bed and fall off. "Ha. Now get dressed." He leaves shutting the door and I groan loudly.

I get up after five minutes of lying there and change. I get into skinny jeans and a grey shirt then head downstairs. I see Rian and Zack, but no Jack. I walk into the kitchen and set my phone down, then walk back into the living room.

"Where's Jack?" i ask. Rian shrugs.

"I was at his house last night. He was pretty mad. I don't know why though." Zack says. I bite my lip and look down.

"Maybe his Twitter crashed." I mutter, to cover up the fact that it was our argument that set him off. "What are we doing today?" I ask, sitting next to Rian.

"A signing I think." Rian says. i nod and sigh. "Should someone call Jack?"

"Alex, you call him." Zack says. "My phone's dead." I gulp and nod, walking into the kitchen to grab my phone. I go into the dining room to ensure no one will hear my conversation with him since it will probably be hateful.

I dial his number, my hands shaking and thoughts jumbling up my mind. I almost forget why I'm calling him. He answers and his voice sounds tired and hoarse.

"What do you want?" he asks. I gulp, trying to contain myself. No tears. I feel my throat closing and start to hurt.

"Um... I... I just wanted to know where you were... well... we. We have a signing today... Rian and Zack made me call." i say, my voice small and quiet. "Just get over here." i say, hanging up, not wanting to talk to him any longer than I need to.

I walk back into the living room after calming myself down and sit next to Rian.

"Is he coming?" Rian asks. I nod. Hopefully.

After ten minutes the front door opens and Jack walks into the living room. Jack and I look at each other for at least a second before I look away. The tension in this room is unbearable.

"Is it me or did it just get really awkward in here?" Zack asks. I glance at Zack and sigh.

"Can we just go?" i ask, standing up. Rian and Zack look at each other and nod. That's when I realize Jack hasn't said anything yet. Especially not to me. I walk out of the house to Rian's car and plop into the very back set of seats so I don't have to sit next to Jack.

Everyone else gets in after me and I look out the window, trying to avoid Jack as much as possible. When we get to the signing at the Hot Topic in the mall, i sit at the end of the table and Rian sits next to me, Zack next to Rian and Jack on the other end of the table.

Fans standing in line look puzzled. Probably because Jack and I aren't sitting next to each other. I glance at Jack who's talking to Matt. When the signing starts I'm the first one people go to. Probably because I'm the most relatable. I put on my fake smile that always worked so well in high school.

"Alex, you saved my life." a girl says quietly, her friend standing behind her. I give her a smile and glance her wrist. Cuts. I gulp, trying to swallow a lump in my throat as I remember everything that happened to me in high school and the reasons why I did that. The reason why I want to now. I keep the smile plastered on my face and sign her poster and the three albums.

"I'm glad I could help." i say. I stand up and hug her from across the table. "Don't do that to yourself. Please." I whisper in her ear because I'm pretty her friend hasn't noticed the one cut sticking out from under bracelets.

"Your the reason I'm actually trying." she says. I smile and she goes to Rian who's next to me. The next one is her friend.

After a few more I've seen too many people who have slashed at their wrists or their shoulders or their thighs since it's nice out they decided to wear shorts. The same reason I wore a short sleeve shirt and showed my scars.

"Flyzik." i call, trying to keep myself calm. He walks over to me and I sigh. "I need air." he look around and see some more girls with cuts. Obviously not all the people have cut themselves, but a small portion have and I just can't take it.

All these girls and boys who think their life sucks, here, meeting their heroes, showing off scars and cuts is just too much for me.

"Okay. Be back in five minutes okay?" he asks. I nod and Matt announces to everyone that I'm just going to the bathroom so no one is suspiscious.

I get out of my seat and when security guards try to come with me since we're in the mall, i tell them no.

"But the fans."

"I'll be okay. The bathroom is just right there." I say. They nod and head back to the store. Fans are still lining up as I pass them, so I try to get lost in the crowd of people that are trying to get past our fans.

When I reach a door, I walk outside and lean against the exterior of the mall.

Too many people who told me I saved them. Not that that's a bad thing, but it's too much to bare. That means they've thought about suicide or attempted it and listened to our music, realizing how stupid their decision was.

Too many people with cuts on their wrists. Too many people who have given me their blades and razors, which wasn't a good Idea might I add, and told me they're going to stop because of me. What they don't realize is how fucking hard it is. It's fucking hard. Any sharp thing they can get their hands, they'll grab it and no doubt use it when they've had a shit day.

Believe me. I know.

Then there are the people who insecure, but are staying strong for our band. Haven't cut because of us. Haven't considered suicide and that makes me happy.

It also makes me happy that no one has mentioned the fact that Jack and I aren't sitting next to each other. That we're completely ignoring each other. Zack, Rian and Jack are getting along meanwhile I'm the one at the end of the table feeling like a therapist because I went through what some of our fans went through.

I know it's not a bad thing. I'm not saying that at all, but it just brings up so many bad memories that I just can't handle it.

I look at my phone and see that it's 12:34. I have to be back in a minute. I walk back into the mall and through the crowd of people to Hot Topic. I take my seat and take a deep breath. Just when I thought no one would mention Jack, it happens. I saw it coming. It's not like I wasn't expecting it.

"Hi!" a girl greets, a smile on her face. I see her hands are shaking. I take the three albums and sign them, looking up at her.

"Why are you shaking?"

"I'm a bit nervous." she says, her voice clearly resembling a British accent.

"Are you? Why?" I ask her, letting my British accent slip out.

"I've never met my heroes before... it's... a concept for me." she says. There's the word "hero" again. I nod.

"Well, don't worry. Be yourself."

"Can I ask you something?" she asks. i nod. "Why aren't you and Jack next to each other?"

"We thought we'd leave Rian and Zack out, so we sat them in between us." i lie. That will probably be the worst thing I will ever do. Lie to a fan.

"I haven't seen you guys talk to each other once." she says. I nod.

"Well it's hard when he's at the other end of this table and it's noisy." i say. She nods and moves on to Rian.

"You doing alright?" Rian asks me.

"Just fine." I lie, smile making it seem true. He nods and pays attention to the girl in front of him.

When this is over, we head out of the mall. Jack grabs my arm and pulls me back so everyone won't hear us.

"Jack! What the fuck?" i ask, taking my arm back.

"Can we talk?"

"No." i say, beginning to walk away. He groans.

"Alex, please."

"I have nothing to talk to you about." I say, follow our group to our cars, followed by security guards.

"Alex!" he shrieks, running up behind me.

"No! Get away from me." i say, walking over to Matt. "Matt, can you take me home?"

"Sure? Why?" he asks. i shake my head and follow Matt to his car. We get in and I see Jack with Rian and Zack, frustration and sadness on his face. "What's going on? First you leave the signing and now you want me to drive you home? Are you okay?"

"The signing was because I was overwhelmed. There were too many people who have done what I've done to myself and it was too much for me." I explain. "The drive home is because... well... remember how Jack was gone for week?"

"Yeah."

"He was in Lebanon." I sigh. "He never told me and I guess I'm overreacting in your eyes, but to me it was a week of pure torture. I didn't know what to do and I almost relapsed. Anyways. We had an argument last night and I got really pissed last night and then we... broke up and now I don't want to talk to him."

"I can't say you're overreacting about this, but maybe you're being a little harsh by not letting him explain because I can totally tell he wants to elaborate on what you already now." he explains. I shake my head.

"I don't care." I groan.

He drops me at home and I run into my house. I get upstairs and grab the blade I threw at the wall yesterday and set it on my desk. I then stare at it.

The longer I sit here staring at it, the more I crave it.

Maybe this is what I need. I have too much pain bottled up inside. Too much anger. Too much that I don't know what to do with it. Writing won't help. It will make me want to do it more because I'll be thinking. Not music. Too much emotion.

Razor?

Notes

Title Credit: Rebirthing by Skillet
Check out my story "He's Never Felt This Hurt Before" thanks:)
I hope you guys liked this chapter. It's 3000 words so I hope it's not 3000 words that make up a horrible chapter. I needed what happened in it to make an impact on some people and... possibly foreshadow.
-Jenna<3