I Feel Like A Hero

I sighed monotonously as I slipped my suit jacket on. It was a dreary afternoon, exactly one week from when May and I arrived in Lebanon. And my dad? Well, he died the first day. We at
least had the chance to see him first though.

It was so weird though, seeing someone that you haven't seen in years on their deathbed. I tried to talk to him a little bit, but it was just so awkward. So I mainly let May do the talking while I hung back with mom. It was nice to my mother again, even if the circumstance wasn't the best.
It's probably going to be so awkward at the funeral today though, seeing relatives I haven't seen in years. I'm scared I'm going to make a fool out of myself like I always do.

I haven't touched my phone since I've been here. I've just been so out of it. It doesn't really feel real yet; like I've been running on autopilot. Nothing's really sunken in yet. But I have a bad feeling it will today, and it's not going to be pretty. I can say that for sure.

"Are you ready Jack?" I heard my sister ask from the doorway of the bathroom at mom's house.

I nodded, "Yeah, just a second."

"Are you ok?" she asked, walking over to stand next to me.

"I think so, yeah," I responded, "It's just so weird."

She nodded in agreement, "It's different now than when we just didn't speak. Now we don't even have the chance."

I sighed, "I wish I would've taken the time when I had the chance."

"I think we all do," she mumbled, patting my back, "Now come on, we have to meet mom and Joe at the funeral home."

~

"All in all, my brother was a good man, and he will be missed," Uncle James concluded, ending his speech about his brother.

"Thank you for those kind words," the clergy said monotonously, "Is there anyone else that would like to say a few words about Bassam?"

I sighed and looked over at May. She shrugged. There were so many things I could've said, but nothing felt right. I don't think it would've mattered anyways. Everything I had to say to him, it would just get lost in the wind along the way. It doesn't matter.

"If not then-"

"I have something to say," I looked around to see my brother standing up from a few seats away. He walked up to the front of the room before beginning;

"I actually have a lot to say, not just about my father though," he began, pushing his hair out of his face, "Simply put, my dad was a workaholic. He was always focused on providing for myself, my mother and my siblings; without that, none of us would have the things we do. But, there was a downside of course.

"I don't think I ever really knew my dad, and I was 20 when he came back over here. I had the most time with him compared to my siblings, but I still didn't know him. He raised me like he should've; he taught me how to be a good man. I wish I had more good to say, but I never really connected to him."

Joe shook his head and inhaled deeply before he spoke even more, "I never felt connected to anyone in this family aside from my mom. I don't know if it's something in our genes, but I've noticed that Barakats suck at any type of inter-personal relationship. Be honest, how many of you knew that about five years ago Jack almost died from stomach cancer? I didn't find out until a couple years later.

"We push people away. If someone isn't right in front of us, we forget about them. Maybe if we didn't have this problem, maybe if we learned to communicate and form personal relationships with others, we wouldn't be filled with so much regret right now. I know I can't be the only person that wishes I could've known my father better.

"That's all I have to say."

I stared in awe at my brother as he sat back down. As much as I didn't want to admit it, he was
right. I never really knew my father. In the 23 years I've been alive, I didn't have the opportunity to know my father. I never had a philosophical conversation with him, he never tried to know me. Maybe because I was still a highly impressionable teenager when he moved, but that's not an excuse.

But, I also see the truths in what he said in myself. I've never been able to keep a friendship with someone that didn't practically force themselves on me.

Does that make me a terrible person? I'm so willing to end relationships of any kind because I refuse to make the effort to communicate. While yes, it seems like my family doesn't really care about me anymore, I'm not putting up the effort to show them that I still care. I've been so focused on other things, my family has taken a backseat. The band, my friends, Alex.

Oh my god. I haven't turned my phone on in a week. I was supposed to go back to Alex's house the day I left with May. I never told Alex I was leaving. This is not good.

I excused myself from the hall the funeral was being held in to step outside. I fished my phone out from the jacket pocket. Turning it on, I was instantly flooded with voice mails and text messages. This is not good at all. I ignored all the messages and went straight to Alex's contact.

It rang a few times before going to voicemail. Of course, he's ignoring my call. I decided that leaving a message was a no-brainer.

"Hey Lex. I'm uh- I'm really fucking sorry. I'm out of the country right now. I'm fine though, I guess. I'll be back in Baltimore tomorrow evening, and then I'm coming over because you deserve an explanation. And I'm so fucking sorry I didn't let you know what was happening and I totally understand if you want to break up with me. Just, I love you, ok? I love you so much. I'll see you tomorrow..."

I hung up and buried my head in my hands. I really fucked it up this time. He's never going to forgive me for this. Son of a bitch.

Notes

So, I'm actually really excited for the upcoming chapters. *-*

Title Cred: Famous Last Words- My Chemical Romance

xoxo Mary