I Feel Like A Hero

I’m lying in my bunk, knowing that Jack had gone out again. I’m staring at my scabbed and scarred arms. I sigh and wish Jack were next to me, but he’s not. He knows what he shouldn’t do. He knows I’m scared he’ll go too far. He knows it will destroy me if something happened to him.

My curtain opens revealing Rian holding my phone that’s ringing.

“Brendon is calling you.” He says, handing it to me. I take it and answer it, watching Rian walks away.

“Hello?” I say.

“I need you to get over here now.” He says, sounding out of breath. “Damn it, Ryan.”

“What’s going on? Where are you?” I ask, sitting up.

“At another party Ryan and Jack decided to go to. It’s a few minutes away, only up the road from the venue. I’ll stand outside.” He explains. Not telling me what happened. “Just get over here.” He says, hanging up.

I jump out of my bunk and run to the front.

“Where are you going?” Matt asks. “We’re leaving soon.”

“Did you notice Jack wasn’t here?! I’ll be right back, okay?” I ask. He sighs and nods letting me go. I run down the street, a bunch of thoughts running through my head. I groan. “Jack, what did you do this time?” I ask myself. I see Brendon and sigh.

“In here. C’mon.” he says. I follow him in, hands starting to shake. He looks around and then leads me to another room past a bunch of people. Some people offer me drugs which I just push away. I then spot, Ryan and Jack.

They’re both on the ground, looking ready to just pass out.

“We have to carry them, but I couldn’t carry both of them.” Brendon says. I nod and walk over to Jack, helping him up and groaning. Dammit Jack. I look over and see Brendon already has Ryan over his shoulder. “Do you got him?” he asks. After a minute, I’ve got him in my arms.

“Kind of.” I groan. My arm begins to burn as the fabric of his pants rub against my cuts.

“Jack? Jack come on, I can’t carry you.” I groan as we get closer to the door. We get outside and Jack’s eyes begin to shut. “Hey! Seriously? Don’t pass out. What the hell did you do?”
He just ignores me if he even heard me and keeps his eyes shut.

“Brendon… he’s too heavy.” I groan.

“We just have to get to the buses.” Brendon says. I nod and fix him in my arms so I don’t drop him. After a few agonizing minutes, we get to the buses. We get on ours since it’s closer and everyone gets off the couches so we can lay Ryan and Jack down.

“What the hell happened?” Matt asks.

“They went partying again and Ryan must’ve pushed Jack to do more than necessary and they both ended up like this.” Brendon explains. I kneel down next to Jack and sigh.

“God, Jack. You’re going to ruin your body.” I whisper while everyone talks about the situation. “What am I saying? You are ruining your body.”

“Ryan?” Brendon calls. I look over and see Ryan is waking up. “What the hell did you do to Jack?” Brendon asks, obviously not taking this situation lightly. “What did you do to yourself? You seriously need to stop or you’re going to severely damage yourself or kill yourself!”

Ryan doesn’t respond and I look at Brendon, taking Jack’s hand. Brendon runs a hand through his hair and I look at Jack who hasn’t woken up yet. I sigh.

“I’m just going to bring him to my bus.” Brendon says. We all nod and say goodbye as he picks up Ryan, taking him off the bus.

“Is Jack okay?” Rian asks. I shrug.

“I don’t know.” I say, feeling my throat closing. “I need to go to sleep.” I say, walking to my bunk. I then decide to sleep in Jack’s bunk.

I lie in Jack’s bunk and curl up under his blanket, not letting myself cry. I’m always so weak. I’m always crying. I have to pretend nothing’s bothering me. Just like high school.

At noon, I wake up and my throat hurts. Great. We have a show tonight and my throat hurts. Fabulous. I get up and Rian, Zack and Matt are in front. I smile and open the fridge to scout out a beer. It is noon.

“Where’s Jack?” I ask, popping open the top.

“He went to bed when he woke up at like one. I stayed up until he woke up.” Rian says. “He said he had a major headache and was going to lie down. I think he looked in his bunk and then went to sleep in yours. Were you in his bunk?”

“Yeah…” I sigh. I set the beer on a table and head to my bunk. I open the curtain and Jack is lying there. I sigh and get in next to him. I kiss his cheek and he stirs, turning over and looking at me. “How’re you feeling?”

“Ugh.” He groans. I smile a little bit and he sighs. “Are you mad at me?” he asks. Yeah a little.

“No… I guess when it comes to drugs and shit, it’s addicting and when you have a little, you always end up taking more… there’s nothing I can do about that.” I sigh. Maybe tell him that he should just stop all together, but it’s like self-harm. Telling someone to just stop all together is like telling someone to stop smoking. It’s hard. “As long as you’re okay, I’m happy.”

“I’m so sorry. I fucked up. I shouldn’t have gone in the first place. Ryan was just being so pushy and telling me I should just let go and I don’t know… I’m really fucking sorry.” He explains. I shake my head.

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not. If something horrible had happened to me, you wouldn’t have been able to cope with it and… I don’t want to think about what you would’ve done.” He says. I sigh.

“Jacky…” I sigh, pushing hair out of his face. He groans. “What’s wrong?”

“I have a migraine.” He sighs.

“Want some pain killer?” I ask him. He nods.

“Thanks Lexxy.” He says. I nod and get out going to grab some medicine.

“Are you mad at him?” Rian ask quietly so Jack doesn’t hear. I sigh and look at the bottle.

“I don’t know.” I sigh quietly. I pull out two pills and put the bottle back. “I should be, but at the same time… I can’t. He’s just… I don’t know. He goes and does it and then hurts me and the next day he’s basically begging me to not be mad at him. I don’t know what to do.”

“You’ll figure it out.” He says. I sigh and walk over to the fridge to grab a bottle of water. I head to his bunk. I get in and smile at him.

“Here.” I say. He takes the pills and the water, sitting up. He swallows them and then lies down, capping the bottle and throwing it the end of my bunk. “Get some sleep.”

“Can you stay in here with me?” he asks. I nod and lie down next to him, shutting the bunk. “I love you, Lex.”

“I love you too.” I say.

I really wish he didn’t even try to do drugs. I wish he were like he was before Brendon and Ryan took him to that party. I wish it were like high… just… without my self-harm.

Notes

Poor Alex...
Title Credit: Panic Attack by Dream Theater
-Jenna<3