I'm not exactly sure how I got in the position I'm in right now, but I'll definitely kick myself for this later. This isn't fair, I told Ryan not to expect anything from me when he told me we were partying tonight. It's been about 2 weeks since the last time I smoked, and I'm not going to lie, I've kind of missed it. And the feeling that I got when I took that pill- which I later found out was ecstasies- I'd do anything to feel that good again.

It's scary to think that my life turned out this way. In highschool all I wanted was to play music and be care free. But somehow I managed to get myself way in over my head.

It started out as a fight between myself and Ryan. It wasn't very big, but I was admittedly the one in the wrong. Like usual. He was mad because I dropped him completely once Alex and I made up. I was a bit offended, but I couldn't deny that it was true.

After I explained to him what the situation was, he called me some really offensive names. Basically he told me I was wiped and a pansy, just not as nicely...

"God Jack! You're fucking wiped! It's like you're Alex's little bitch. You were more fun when you weren't with him..."

When the argument was over, I went back to the bus to vent to Alex. But that didn't help like I thought it would. He told me it was okay to go out with Ryan sometimes. As long as I knew my limits of course. That wasn't what I wanted to hear though. I wanted him to tell me I was doing the right thing by not going out.

"I don't really understand why you're friends with him, but I guess that's your choice... You know you don't have to stay in all the time. You can go out with them as long as you know your limits and don't do anything stupid..."

I wish he would've told me that. Because if he would've, I wouldn't be out tonight. Which I don't need. I obviously don't know my limits and I've done something stupid. Or at least, I'm about to. What happened was, instead of sticking with Brendon, whose a little more reserved when it comes to drinking and smoking, I went off with Ryan and helped him ditch Brendon.

Now I'm sitting with him and a group of people I don't know. Drinks are being served-I'm already tipsey, but still- blunts are being rolled and I heard someone say something about a syringe. I'm scared that I won't be able to control myself after I smell it. I made a promise to Alex, I have to keep it.

~

I should feel guilty right now. I should, but I don't. I feel wonderful.

I smoked as much as I could handle at one time. I feel amazing. I don't care that I'm breaking my promise with Alex. I just don't care. I'm possibly the happiest I've ever been.

Some of the other guys shot up. They look so fucked up. But, they also look like they're happy. Happier than me even. Ryan's thinking about taking what they took. I'm not sure if I should do it. I kind of want to, but I kind of feel weird about it.

~

Okay, I lied. When I said I've never been happier before. I lied. Because, right now, I'm sure as hell the happiest I've ever been. I was a bIt hesitant at first, but once Ryan did it, I decided it didn't matter. I was already so high, a little more wouldn't hurt.

It hurt at first and I didn't feel any different. That kind of pissed me off. I was mad because I had injected myself with a hug needle for nothing. But then, it hit me. Bam! It hit me like a train. And I felt... Great...

It was a situation like no other. Not even orgasms can compare to how good I felt. I was completely and instantly cloaked in a feeling of complete euphoria.

~

I think I made a mistake. Everything feels funny and not good. My mouth is so dry I can't keep it close for very long without my tongue feeling gross. I can't move; I can barely breathe.

My legs feel like they're being dragged on the ground. I want to move them, but they're just so heavy. My chest is heavy as I try to take breaths that are far too deep. My entire body aches and I can hardly keep my eyes open. I can hardly comprehend someone talking to me.

"Jack? Jack come on, I can't carry you."

Who's here and why are they carrying me? I'm fine. I'm just a little tired and a bit disorieneted. I'll be fine after a nap. That actually sounds really nice right now.

"Hey! Seriously? Don't pass out. What the hell did you do?"

Where are we going? Who's talking to me? I can see the face, but I can't recall his name. For some reason, I feel like I should try to go with him. But when I try to move, my bodies' to heavy and I can't do it. It's exhausting.


I'm so tired. I'm having trouble keeping my head up. I just want to sleep. Forever maybe...

Notes

Okay, for such a long wait, this is a really short and shitty chapter and I'm sorry for that. I've been having a really shitty past couple of weeks and I tried to get this done and out of the way so I don't have to worry about for a while. But believe it or not, there actually is a plan...

Title Cred: Flyleaf- All Around Me

xoxo Mary