I Feel Like A Hero

The next morning I found myself being shaken awake by someone who must've really wanted my fist in their face. I tried to swat their hand away, but failed miserably considering I had yet to open my eyes.

"Jack, you need to wake up," I heard Ryan whisper yelling at me.

"Whastheproblem?" I slurred, still half asleep.

"Either we leave now or miss bus call and be stuck here," he practically growled at me, "I'd leave you here, but I think Alex doesn't need another reason to hate me."

I sighed, as I attempted to pick myself off the floor, "I think he hates the both of us right now. Or at least he has the reason to."

As I stood up, the severity of what I did last night dawned on me. I let Alex leave by himself last night while I stayed and took who knows what. I chose Ryan over my boyfriend. Even more concerning, I chose drugs over my boyfriend. My already mentally unstable boyfriend. The worst part, I hardly even thought twice about it. After Ryan told me to stay, I did.

Ryan rolled his eyes, "He needs to lighten up. We didn't do anything life threatening. He's a stick
in the mud and I don't why you're still with him."

I shook my head as we walked towards the exit of the sketchy club we were in, "It's not that. I think-- He's probably just worried about me. He has a pretty addictive personality, and he's probably scared I'll go too far."

"God we're not idiots," Ryan exclaimed, "A little something to loosen up isn't going to hurt us. It's not like we're doing meth or anything hardcore."

"I know that," I emphasized, "And regardless of what the kids seem to think, Alex and I do not share a brain. I'll try to talk to him when we get back. Hopefully minimize the damage."

"You do that, " he shook his head.

"Also, I feel like I have to bring this up," I shrugged, "What you said about Alex having someone else's dick up his ass wasn't cool."

"Yeah..." Ryan sighed, "You know I get pissy when I'm drunk. I'll apologize later."

"Okay, just making sure we're on the same page."

~

When I made it back on the bus, with five minutes to spare I might add, everyone was still asleep. I don't blame them, it was only 8:30. I know I'd still be out if Ryan hadn't woken me up. I tried to be as quiet as possible as I walked through. I decided it would be best to eat something before crashing again, so I made my way to the kitchenette. As I rummaged around for something in the cabinet's, I heard footsteps coming up behind me.

"Jack?" Zack whispered, voice laced with sleep, "Are you just now getting in?"

I turned around and shrugged as I tore into the granola bar I found.

He sighed, "Don't you think all this partying is getting a little excessive?"

I rolled my eyes, "God you sound like Alex. I'm fine!"

"Whatever bro," he said, "Speaking of Alex, what happened last night? He was pretty upset when he came back. Then he spent most of the night on the Panic! bus... We tried to ask him what was wrong but he wouldn't answer... You guys okay?"

I sighed, "I don't know. What actually happened isn't a big deal. I think I under-reacted and he overreacted. That and Ryan chose the wrong time to open his mouth..."

He quirked an eyebrow at me, "Now you're just being cryptic... You want to tell me what really happened?"

"I just did!" I snapped, "Jeez..."

"Fine," he shook his head, "We're all just worried about you guys... You seem detached and Alex just seems so sad..."

"Don't," I seethed, "I'm fine. Alex is fine. Our relationship is fine. Everything. Is. Fine."

He rolled his eyes, "Whatever you say, I'm going back to bed."

After he left I put my face in my hands and sighed heavily. What is wrong with me? Zack just wants to help and I knew that. Why did I act so mean towards him? It was like I couldn't even control it. The meaningless words just flew out of my mouth. I'll just put Zack on the long list of people I have to apologize to later.

I sulked back towards the bunks, prepared to sleep for an eternity or two. I just felt so ashamed that I'm hardly in control of myself anymore. When I pulled back the curtain to my bunk, I sighed heavily when I realized my Adventure Time blanket was missing. I collapsed onto the cold padding and felt myself close to tears. Somehow everything went from being great straight to shit.

As a shiver raked through my body, I remembered that Alex keeps extra blankets in his bunk. Maybe if I'm quiet enough I'll be able to take one without waking him up.

When I pulled back the curtain to his bunk what I saw had me on the edge of a full-force breakdown. Alex was wrapped up in my missing blanket; clutching it like a lifeline. I could only see part of his face, but by his red cheeks and swollen eyes, it seemed like he had cried himself to sleep. Most likely over me.

The feeling of guilt and self hatred was so strong that it had me running to the bathroom and emptying my stomach. And as soon as the vomiting started, so did the tears. Knowing how badly I had hurt Alex just made me so sickened with myself.

It felt like an eternity later when I felt someone rub my back as I dry heaved. I looked up slowly as soon as it subsided. I was surprised to see it was Alex that had come to my aid. Seeing the sad, worried look on his face just made me cry harder.

"I'm so sorry!" I exclaimed as he pulled me into his arms.

"I know baby, I know," he soothed, petting my head, "You're okay, you're okay."

He helped me up and led me to his bunk whilst whisper sweet nothings and promises that tomorrow will bring better days. He tucked me in his bunk before getting in beside me. I snuggled up to his chest as his arms found their way around me.

"Please don't leave me, I love you so much. I'm sorry," I whimpered.

"Never Jay," he whispered to me, "I love you too."

~

When I woke up again my head was pounding and my skin felt clammy. I felt claustrophobic, but at the same time I felt safe. I opened my eyes slowly to see I was still wrapped up in Alex. He was looking down at me with a sad smile on his face.

"What happened earlier?" he asked, breaking the silence.

I sighed, "When I noticed my blanket was missing, I went to check if you had an extra and when I saw you, you looked like you had been crying. I guess I just lost it."

He frowned, "I'm sorry."

I shook my head, "No, I'm sorry. What happened last night shouldn't have. I should've handled the situation better and left with you."

"I thought you would follow me," he stated, "I'm terrified that you'll get addicted to it, and when you didn't, I thought I'd already lost you."

"I'm not addicted," I whispered, "Or at least, I don't think I am. It's honestly just a way to have some extra fun."

"Brendon told me the first time you did it was when we were broken," he said, "You have to understand why that scares me. I don't want it to become your version of self harming."

"I do understand that Alex, now that I think about it," I admitted, "And honestly, realizing how badly I hurt you and how I felt afterwards is enough to make me want to quit. I'm not supposed to hurt you, I'm supposed to be the one you go to when others hurt you."

"Everyone makes mistakes," he mumbled, avoiding my eyes.

I sighed, "I'm done with this one. You're more important than any drug ever will be."

He looked back at me and smiled widely. It looked like a real smile; the kind that's been missing from his face. It brought me a great sense of pride knowing that I can still produce a smile from him.

"I love you," Alex said, "I don't expect you to be my Superman anymore. I just want you to be my Jack. I'd rather you make mistakes than burn yourself out from trying to be perfect because you're perfect with your flaws and all."

"I love you too," I responded, "But I'm serious when I say I'm done with the drugs."

"I know baby."

When I promised Alex that I was done, I meant it 100%. I wanted to be the one that he went to when he needed comfort again, just like I used to be. Little did I know, I would eat my words.

Notes

Title Cred: Hey Monday- Candles

xoxo Mary

(PS, shameless plug for my new Mibba story, Wonderless. ;))