I Feel Like A Hero

I storm out of the party as fast as I can. I can't believe Jack does that. Weed? Are you kidding? Why would he be doing drugs anyway? He's too good for that! I get so deep in thought that I don't realize that I have no money to get a cab.

Fuck.

Jack. My boyfriend. My lifeline. Is a druggie. Maybe I should talk to Brendon. He can help me. Sure he looks like he's going to die, but I can talk to him. It's not like he's going to die right as I get there. I would probably pass out... anyway!

I sigh and look at my phone. GPS's work. If it starts raining as I walk, I'll cry. I type in the venue name and head in that direction.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. If I was going to a party, why would I not bring money? I had a feeling I'd leave, but not because I found out what Jack has been doing.

i start to remember the simpler times. When he wasn't sick or smoking weed or whatever and when I wasn't depressed. Where did those times go? Out the window. That's where.

I'm brought out of my thoughts by a raindrop. Fucking great. I start to walk faster and then it starts to pour. It's not worth trying. I start to walk again and ten minutes later, I reach the buses. I see Rian and them getting onto the bus. Vinny notices me and points.

"Alex!" he shouts. Everyone turns their heads and looks at me. "Get him a towel." Matt runs on and I get to them.

"I need to go talk to Brendon."

"You can after you explain why you're not with Jack and why you walked all the way here." Rian says, handing me a towel as we get on. I throw off my sweatshirt and my shirt, covering my arms with the towel.

"He..." I sigh, wiping my eyes with the towel. "He apparently smokes weed and shit... so i flipped out... I left and ended up walking because I had no money for a cab." i explain.

"Bro." Rian sighs.

"Whatever. Don't worry about it. It's our problem."

"Your problem? He could get dependant on that shit!" Vinny shrieks. I shrug.

"We're falling apart again." i groan. "I need to talk to Brendon."

I get up and leave before anyone can protest. I keep the towel around me and run through the rain to Brendon's bus. I bang on the door forcing him to get up. I'm pretty sure the rest of Panic! is out tonight. The door opens and I see a sick looking Brendon Urie. He let's me on and shuts the door.

He lies down on the couch and I sit across from him.

"Hey." he greets, closing his eyes.

"I need to talk to you." i tell him. He nods. "DId you know Ryan and Jack are smoking Weed and doing drugs?" i ask him. He looks at me and shakes his head hesitantly. "Ryan and Jack were with you every time Jack went out. Don't give me that. Maybe that's why you're sick!"

"Alex!" he shrieks.

"Just tell me how long he's been doing it since he won't give me a straight answer!" I snap. He sighs.

"Two weeks before tour." he says. i look down. When we were broken up. Son of a bitch. Son. Of. A. Bitch. "When you were pissed at him."

"I know." i say. "Did you and Ryan start him on it?"

"He was really down and he wanted an escape, so we gave him one." Brendon says.

"Brendon!" I shriek.

"Don't blame us." he says. "He could've said no."

"And... he didn't." i sigh. He nods and sighs. "He brought me to this party tonight."

"And...?"

"There was Weed." i say. "Do you think he knew it was there?"

"If he was with Ryan, then of course he did."

"Then why would he bring me?"

"So you could loosen up a little and have some fun." he says. "What exactly happened?"

"I told him it could kill him and then Ryan got pissed and then Jack went at him and I got pissed, so then I left telling him to have fun with his junkie friends." I sigh. He looks at me and sighs.

"Did you really call them 'Junkies'?" he asks me. I nod and sigh.

"I was frustrated and angry." i mutter. "I don't want Jack to get himself killed because he overdosed on something or used something repeatedly. I really don't want him to get dependant on it either because then that's all he'll want to do and he'll push me completely away."

"He won't-"

"He's been doing it for almost a month, Brendon." i tell him. He looks away and I sigh. "It's like me..."

"What are you talking about?" he asks me.

I should show him. I'm a prime example of dependance. Dependance on my razor. My escape. My release. My drug. It's a perfect example of dependance. I've been doing this almost as long as Jack has done what he's doing. At least that's when I relapsed. My self harm can kill me like the drugs Jack has been doing.

I tried to kill myself twice. I cut deep. I almost died. I'm not new to dependance or as I call it an "addiction", I know what Jack is in for. They don't know I know. Jack knows, but just not in this way. I'm not stupid.

I move the towel away from my arms and show him my arms, my hands starting to shake and my heart starting to pound faster.

"Alex..."

"This is dependance too, Brendon. I'm dependant on my razor. It's my escape. Like Jack's is weed or whatever the fuck he's doing that's destroying his body. Mine destroys my body. Mine lead to death. it almost killed me. I tried to die twice Brendon. Self harm gets worse. Jack can get worse. Drugs can kill him." i explain. He sighs.

"I never said it couldn't."

"I never said you said that. I'm saying you got him started on this release and now he's going to keep using it until something happens that scares him into reality. Drugs solve things for a short time and have long term affects on you. i'm not stupid."

"Alex."

"I just don't want to lose Jack." i tell him. "Help him or do something."

"If it means so much to you, I'll try."

Notes

Kind of sucky chapter, but whatever. it's one in the morning. I went to Darien Lake all day. I'm exhausted.... so.... goodnight/morning. I'm going to bed. Enjoy.
Title Credit: Sorry by Sleeping With Sirens.
-Jenna<3