I Feel Like A Hero

This past week has been weird. I've been so worried about Alex, but yet I seem to choke every time he needs me. Ever since that night he told me that I wasn't helping him the right way, I've been self-conscious about making him worse. I feel so terrible, but I can't help it.

I've taken to confiding my problems in Ryan. I haven't been telling him anything in detail because I know Alex wouldn't want me to. But it's nice to have someone to talk to. And he always gives me weed to make me feel better, so that's good.

Ryan invited me to go party with him tonight since Brendon was bedridden with some ridiculous flu thing. I don't know exactly what it was, but he looks like he's about to die.

I feel bad going out so much when Alex needs me, but he's never asked me to stay. I keep telling him I won't go if he doesn't want me to, but he's always said to go. I don't know if he's lying to me about it or not, but if I stayed after he said not to it'd seem like I don't trust him. Which I do.

So I'm basically in a lose-lose situation. Either be a jackass for leaving when I Alex needs me, or be a jackass for acting like I don't trust him. So I don't really know what to do anymore.

Right now I'm lying in mine and Alex's bunk by myself. I think Alex and Rian went to go find food. We just arrived at the venue and we have the night off. Ryan's probably going to want to go out again. I want to, I really do, but I don't want to piss of Alex anymore.

I want to be a good boyfriend to him because he is my everything. But, lately it seems like I just don't know how.

~

I must've fallen asleep because the next thing I know, I'm being startled awake by my phone ringing. I looked at the caller ID and saw it was Ryan calling me. Great, this is just what I need.

I sighed before answering, "Sup man?"

"Oh my god Jack, do I have a party for us!" Ryan exclaimed, "We are gonna get so fucked up tonight, it's going to belegen-wait for it-dary!"

"Okay Barney," I chuckled, "When is this party?"

"Tonight," he answered, "It's on the other side of the city so we need to leave in like, an hour."

Geez, when did it get so late? I stayed quiet for a second. I don't know if Alex and Rian are back yet. Regardless, Alex would probably be upset if I left again.

Then I got an idea, "Hey do you mind if I bring Alex along?" It's a perfect scenario really; I can spend time with my boyfriend and go to the party. Everyone's happy.

Ryan scoffed, "Seriously? Is he still doing the clingy thing?"

So I may have mentioned to Ryan that Alex likes knowing what I'm doing. I didn't go into detail, so while I completely understand why he does that, Ryan thinks he's just being a pain. I think it's sweet that Alex cares, and I guess that's what matters.

"No not at all. I just feel bad because I'm spending more time with you than him," It was true for the most part. I do feel bad about it, Ryan just doesn't need to know Alex is jealous...

"Whatever man," Ryan agreed, "Meet at my bus in 45 minutes, okay?"

"Sure thing, see you then."

~

When we arrived to the party, I could hear the music thumping from the moment we stepped out of the cab. Ryan smirked at me; this is definitely the kind of party he'd be into. Which is a bit concerning. The guy's awesome and has become one of my best friends, but he does some sketchy stuff; even I'll admit that. Maybe this wasn't the best party to bring Alex to.

Speaking of Alex; he was currently clutching my arm as we walked through the chaotic room. I wasn't really sure where we going, I was just kind of following Ryan. He usually knows what's up.

The next thing I know, there's two drinks thrust in my direction. I take one for myself and motion for Alex to take the other one. He hesitated, but took it nonetheless.

"Are you okay baby?" I asked, taking a sip.

He nodded, "I just haven't done this in a while..."

I smiled, "Don't worry," I ruffled his hair, "We'll have fun. I'm really glad you decided to come."

He blushed and smiled weakly, "I guess. I just need to let go a little."

"Don't worry, it'll be great."

~

Less than an hour later and I'm regretting going to this stupid party. I should've just stayed back at the bus with Alex; we would've had a better night. It started out fine, we were having a pretty good time. I could tell Alex was still a little uncomfortable, but we hadn't been at the party for too long, so I figured he just needed another drink.

"Come on," I had said, pulling him up from his seat, "Let's go find Ry," I had thought that maybe a little weed would calm him down and Ryan always knows where to get the stuff everywhere we go. He's like the weed genie or something.

When we found him, he was sitting with some other guys that I'd never met before. When he saw Alex and I, he waved us over, shouting, "Jack, you're just in time my man!"

I smiled before sitting down next to him, pulling Alex down with me. Ryan took a small bag of weed out of his pocket and said to the group, "Who wants first hit? You have to roll your own."

I was about to volunteer when Alex tugged on my sleeve and whispered to me, "Jay, did you know he was into this type of thing?"

Apart of me wanted to lie, say that I had know idea and apologize for bringing Alex here. I wish I would've listened to that part of me. We could've left peacefully. But no, I opened my big fat mouth, "Of course, why else would I party with him so much?"

With my confession, Alex's eyes widened and his shoulders slumped, "You don't seriously do that, do you?"

I shrugged, "Yeah, it's awesome. It's like, nothing matters but having a good time."

Alex sighed like he was irritated, "God you're such an idiot," he scolded, loud enough for everyone to hear, "Don't you know that shit's dangerous?"

"Alex-" I started, in an attempt to calm him down. But Ryan just had to interrupt me...

"Geez Alex, who's dick's up your ass? Obviously not Jack's..."

"Ryan!" I hissed, glaring at him to stop.

Alex looked at me expectantly, "Are you gonna let him talk to me like that?"

I opened my mouth to say something, but Alex just kept talking, "You know what? I'm just gonna leave. Have fun with your junkie friends!" Then he stormed up.

I scampered to my feet to go after him, but Ryan grabbed my wrist, "Talking to him right now isn't going to do anything but upset him more."

I sighed, "I never should've brought him here."

Ryan shrugged, "Probably not. But hey, you live and you learn. Talk to him in the morning once he's calmed down. For now, just enjoy the rest of the night."

"I don't know..." I hesitated, "I should at least make sure he gets back okay..."

"You know what?" Ryan said, digging through his pants pockets before pulling out a white bag,

"I've been saving these babies for a special occasion," he poured the contents into the palm of his hand.

I looked down to see two white pills resting safely. My eyes widened in alarm. Are we really going to do this?

"I've heard its better than air," Ryan smiled, "Are you in?"

I don't know what exactly came over me. Whether it was curiosity or the sting of being walked out on. But I said yes, and I took the pill.

And Ryan was right. I've never felt this good in my whole life.

Notes

Oh hey, long time no see. Whoops. So, if you didn't read the author's note of my last chapter, you wouldn't know that I was on vacation without the mental capacity to write anything. So here it is, only 5 days after I got home...

Also, sorry if it seems like it's jumping around a lot. I don't really know that much about parties or drugs, and even though I've researched them, it feels really unnatural to write...

Title Cred: Green Day- Homecoming

xoxo Mary