I Feel Like A Hero

I'm lying in my bunk staring at my cut up arms, mesmerized by the patterns of the red lines on my arm. Jack went somewhere with Ryan for before the show because Brendon is apparently getting sick and Ryan was getting bored.

So here I am. Left alone with my thoughts which wasn't a smart idea on Jack's part. So... Great job Jacky.

I look out the window of the bus. We're in Orlando, Florida right now and it's nice out. I'm the only one on the bus, because I refuse to leave the air conditioning. Why? Because the only people who know I relapsed is Jack and Rian. No one else needs to know.

Then I remember.
How will I cover these at tonight's show? Fuck. They're not healed enough to put make up on them. I guess I'll wear a jacket or something. Maybe a really light sweatshirt.

"Alex. Come outside loser." Rian says.

"No." I groan. Not while my thoughts are existing in my head. Get them out.

"Why?"

"I'm tired." I lie.

Torn Apart
Insecure
Really Faking My Smile
Extremely Sad
Drowning in my Tears

My curtain is ripped open and I groan. He looks at me and sighs, seeing my arms. I just stare back at my arms and then drop my arms onto my chest and shut my eyes. Rian pokes me.

"Dude. You alright?"

"Yeah." I say. "Why?"

"Because you're lying in here while we're baking in the sun just staring at your arms." He says. I bite my lip, opening my eyes.

"Because I'm tired." I say. He shakes his head and gives me a sad smile.

"Alex, just come outside." He says. "If you're depressed, fake your smile. Please? Or be actually happy. Trust me. You're bringing yourself down. Just come have fun." He pleads. I shake my head.

"I want Jack to come back." I say.

"Don't start getting clingy again."
"Rian. Don't start with me." I snap. He holds his arms up in surrender as I glare at him. "I'm not in a good mood so don't piss me off."

"Shit, fine." He groans, shutting my curtain and getting off the air conditioned bus into the hot air.

I pull out my phone and begin typing a message to Jack before hitting send I reconsider. Will he think I'm clingy and ditch me for texting him too much? Damn it. I erase the message and lock my phone. I stare at the black screen for a minute and then open my phone again.

Just one text won't hurt will it? I shake my head and lock my phone once again, tossing it down to my feet.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to hang out with Jack and his little gang for once. Have fun. I didn't have fun on that double date at the movies and I don't know if Jack noticed. To have actual fun would be the best thing in world. Now I'm just depressed all the time.

I'm going to end up trying to kill myself again for absolutely no reason except myself. I'm bringing myself down. I'm killing myself slowly. I'm hurting myself. I'm faking smiles and happiness. I'm drowning in my own tears. I'm fucking insecure. My mom hated me.

Everything is my fault. Every little thing.

My fault.

Sometimes I wonder if what I told Jack was true. Do I want to die? Maybe I do. I have enough reasons to want to. But the only thing I want to stay alive for is Jack and most of the time he's not around. The thought of lying to him is unbearable though. I have to get better. At least for Jack if I don't want to get better for anyone else. Jack is really the only reason why I'm still here. If he was dead, I wouldn't be here.

Believe me.

I find myself crying and two minutes later I'm joined by my boyfriend. He holds me in his arms, hugging me tightly, soothing me with compliments, telling me i'm okay and that I'm safe.

"See what happens when you leave me alone?" I ask, tears streaming down my cheek, but laughter finding it's way into my voice.

"Babe, I'm sorry." He says. I shake my head and kiss him. "I won't do it again."

"I find that hard to believe." I mutter, looking down.He places to fingers under my chin and lifts my head so I can look at him.

"Well believe it. I'll only leave when you're asleep."

"Jacky!" I shriek, hitting him. He giggles, giving me butterflies. "What are you doing with them anyway?" He hesitates a minute.

"Just hanging out."

"You mean, you leave me to just hang out with them?" No Alex. You're not jealous. Don't get clingy. You'll drive him away. "Not that I care." Jack gives me a weird look.

"Are you jealous?"

"No!" I say a little too loudly and a little too quickly.

"Alex."

"Maybe a little." I sigh. "I'm falling apart. Can you blame me? I'm afraid to lose you."

"You won't lose me, darling. I love you too much to leave you." He says. It's too late to stop me though because I've already released the tears that had brimmed my eyes just a second ago.

Fuck, I'm getting weaker and weaker by the minute. He hugs me again and kisses my head.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, but at the same time everything" (A/N: TFIOS? I think yes). I say. He makes a pouty face and kisses me. "I just... I'm afraid you'll start to fall for Brendon or Ryan and leave me behind because I'm too depressed to do anything and then you'll think I'm pathetic. Then you'll-"

"Alex, Alex, Alex. Slow down." He says. I look at him. "That's not going to happen. I swear to god. I love you more than you'll every know, baby. You're my everything. I love you too much to lose you."

"Jack! Ryan wants you!" Rian shouts. I groan and he looks at me.

"I won't go if you-"

"No. No. Go." I say. He looks at me a minute and nods, leaving my bunk.

I grab my iPod and play "The Broken" by Stars in Stereo. It gets the chorus and I bury my head in my hands.

I am the strange. The disarranged. I am possessed. The second guessed. I am indecent. I am the treatment. The secrets have spoken. We are the broken.

I wait for Jack to come back after my mini freak out, but he doesn't. I sigh and get out of my bunk, the song still blasting in my bunk. It makes me mad if you're wondering why I have it on.

I go into the cooler filled with beer and vodka. Thoughts bang in my head. I can't sleep with them clashing together so here's the next best thing. Here's a quick result. With Jack around, I keep myself together. With Jack around, I rip myself apart.

I grab a full, unopened vodka bottle and start to chug it. I feel myself getting loopier as I drink. I lean against the counter to stabilize myself and continue to drink. I need to sleep, but I can't sleep. Here's the next best thing.

Fuck, does my head hurt. When did i get on the ground?

I stagger to my feet as I realize how much power vodka actually has. Shit. i rub my head and lean against the wall as everything starts to get blurry and I feel my coordination malfunctioning. I shake my head and put down the bottle, but hearing it shatter. Was that not the counter?

I walk in a zig-zag line towards my bunk and get it, but hitting my head. Fuck! I finally get in and bury myself in blankets. I lie there for a minute or so before everything goes black.

Notes

Oh, Alex...
Check out my new co-write "You've Got Me Spinning"
TItle Credit: Another Empty Bottle by Katy McAllister
-Jenna<3