I Feel Like A Hero

I awakened into a daze that told me it was much too early to be awake. I had every intention of rolling over, snuggling into Alex and going back to sleep, but I found myself alone in the bunk. I frowned before fishing my phone from the pocket in my shorts. When I turned the screen on, it showed the time being 5:27.

I sighed as I sat up and left the bunk. I padded my way through the darkness, trying to be as quiet as possible. When I pushed past the curtain to the back lounge, I saw a light coming from the crack beneath the bathroom door. I walked over to the door and gently knocked.


I heard a sharp inhale of breath and a sniffle before Alex whispered, "Ju- Just a second."

"Are you okay baby?" I asked quietly.

He sighed, "I don't know."

"Can I come in?" I tried to make my voice sound gentle.

The silence in the room rang louder than any sound I've ever heard. I took his lack of response as a yes and slowly opened the door; giving him plenty of time to deny me access. But he didn't. When the door was fully open I saw Alex sitting with his back leaned up against the wall; curled up in a ball with his arms wrapped around his legs.

I bit my lip before approaching him slowly, after making sure to shut the door behind me. I squatted down in front of him and brushed his bangs out of his face. His eyes were cast downward, but I did notice that they were swollen and bloodshot.

"Did you have another nightmare?" I asked, caressing his cheek at an attempt to comfort him.

He shook his head, "I couldn't sleep, so I got up cuz I didn't want to disturb you. But I just started thinking and the next thing I know I'm here. I'm scared Jay."

I sat back on my heels and put my hands on the top of his knees, "What are you scared of?"

He sighed and rubbed his eyes, "Everything. I don't want to die Jack!" His voice cracked at the exclamation, "I know I act like I do, but I really don't. But I'm so scared I'm going to lose control and end up six feet under."

I swallowed, "I think, it's good that you're telling me this. Believe it or not, I don't want you to die either," I joked in attempt to make light of the situation, "Just the fact that you feel that way is so good. If we can get past the next few weeks, I think you'll be okay."

He smiled sadly at me, "I've also been thinking a lot about you and me..."

I nodded to encourage him to continue.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm so fucking thankful that you're here for me to lean on. But, when you yell at me, it just makes me feel worse..."

I bit my lip as I let his words sink in. I'm making him feel worse. I'm making want to hurt himself even more, "I'm so sorry," I whispered.

He nodded, "I know you only mean well and that you want to help... But when you yell it doesn't help at all."

"Fuck," I sighed, "What do I need to do to help you? I never want to make you feel bad."

"I know," he smiled, "But honestly, conversations like this help the most. Just, hearing you say that you think it'll be okay, makes me feel better. Just knowing that you want to help helps."

"I love you," I blurted out.

"I love you too," he returned. "I want to get better so we can have a better life together. Even though I plan on spending the rest of my life with you, I want it to be at least 60 years from now when we're old and grey."

I felt the corners of my mouth tug into a crazy big grin, "I would've married you in Vegas, had you given me the chance to say I do," I joked.

He laughed the melodic sound that I haven't heard enough lately, "Stop referencing songs I wrote about you," he playfully swatted my arm.

"You wrote that about me?" I asked, truly surprised.

His face flushed, "I've written a lot of songs about you... Some aren't even on records..."

"Wow," I said, "I guess the only song that I really thought was about me was Daydream Away..."

"Pretty much every song on So Wrong, It's Right is about you and our relationship," he admitted sheepishly.

"Holy shit," I smiled, "That's awesome."

He shook his head, "It's embarrassing, you weren't supposed to find out."

"Well I think it's cute," I stated, "I don't think we ever went to Vegas while we were together though..."

He bit his lip and blushed, "Remember when we went to celebrate the release of Put Up or Shut Up?"

I chuckled, "I know we did but I don't remember the actually trip..."

"You got pretty fucked up, so I'm not surprised you never remembered this," he shrugged, "But, you know how you broke your nose on that trip and we told you you got in a bar fight?" I nodded, "That's not exactly what happened... You did get in a fight, but we left out most of the details..."

"Why? What happened?" I asked, running my fingers over the bump that's been on the bridge of my nose ever since that weekend.

"Well, the morning after it happened, I surprisingly remembered and was too embarrassed to tell you," he mumbled, "So I bribed Rian with Starbucks and Matt with Disney movies to not tell you. I don't know where the others were, but it was just the four of us..."

"Are you gonna tell me what happened?" I asked, laughing lightly, "What did I do?"

"It's not what you did, it's what we almost did," he bit his lip, "I was really drunk that night too, so I don't remember all the details, but I can give you a rundown.

"I was really emotional, like I usually am when I'm hammered, and you were indulging me, like you always do. I think we ended up making out in the bathroom of whatever shitty club we were at, but that's not really important."

"Huh," I interrupted, "We were broken up during this trip, right?"

He nodded, "Like I said, you were indulging me. Anyway, I don't remember who suggested it, but we grabbed Rian and Matt from the bar and went to one of those drive-through wedding chapels."

"Woah woah wait," I exclaimed, eyes widening, "Did we get married that weekend? Why am I just now finding out?"

He let out a small chuckled, "We didn't, but I'm pretty sure that was our intention. We were waiting with some other drunken couples and one guy decided that he didn't like that we were getting married. He started calling us fags and shit, and you punched him and started a big fight. After it was broken up, we all got thrown out."

"Wow," I whispered.

"I know," he agreed, "Before we got back together I used to wonder what would've happened if we would've actually done it... Like, would we have gotten a divorce or something?"

I shrugged, "I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have gone for that. I probably would've spent the last four years waking up to your face instead of an empty bed."

He smiled, "Sometimes I wish we wouldn't have broken up at all. Who knows where we'd be now? Maybe we'd be already married..."

I briefly wondered what it would be like to be married to Alex. Would that be something I could see myself doing? As soon as I asked myself that question, I already knew the answer.

"Let's do it," I smirked, "Marry me. Or at least say you will."

He blushed before chuckling, "Jack I love you and all, but I expect a real proposal. I want you down on one knee, ring and all."

I shook my head and laughed, "You're such a girl," I paused for a moment before, "You'd say yes though, right?"

"That I would."

Notes

So little bit of informal business, on the 23 I'm leaving my country and traveling overseas and all that good shit. But I don't know if I'm gonna wifi or anything. So after Jenna's chapter, I'm not sure what's gonna happen. If worse comes to worse, there won't be another one until after the 5th of July when I get back... #oops

Title Cred: All Time Low- Vegas

xoxo Mary