I didn't plan for him to find out this way or at all. I was hoping to keep it hidden until I knew I could recover on my own, but clearly god has decided to ditch that plan completely so now I'm forced to get better now.

It's not like I don't want to get better, I do, but it just gives me so much relief to the hate I'm giving myself. It's like I'm doing my bullies a favor for hating on myself. Now Jack is watching my every move and isn't letting me out of his sight.

I can't do anything to hurt myself, which sucks because I'm craving pain. I need it. Rian is looking at me as well. I look at both of them as we sit on the bus. It's dead silent. I look at my feet knowing Jack is trying to comprehend what happened a half hour ago and Rian is just watching me to make sure I don't scratch myself.

We're not leaving the venue for another half hour, so I could go on walk and make sure I'm alone. Once I want something, there's no stopping me.

"I'm going on a walk."

"I'll go with you!" Rian and Jack say standing up when I do.

"Alone." I say. Jack's face fills with worry and Rian just nods.

I walk off the bus and pull out my phone. I put ear buds in and listen to "Take The Bullets Away" by We As Human. When i get far enough away, I lean against a brick building and bury my face in my hands, tears falling.

"Am I worthless? Am I filthy? Am I too far gone for a remedy? Will you help me, cause I'm dying to be something more than a memory. If I reach out, can I trust you? Will you help me see the light of one more day? Take the bullets away!" I sing, my voice cracking as I do so.

Am I worthless? Maybe. I could be, but because I'm a rockstar it's pretty hard to say I'm worthless, but somehow it's possible for me. I can find ways for everything. Trust me.

I roll up my sleeves and look at the cuts that broke open during my make out session with Jack. I have to say, I'm impressed I didn't shriek when they started burning. My stomach was burning as well, but he didn't notice those. He was too wrapped up on my wrists. I sigh and drag one nail down my arm as hard as I can make myself go.

I smile when small areas dot with blood. I groan when I hear Jack calling my name. I pull my sleeves down and wipe my eyes to show him that I'm okay. He turns the corner of the building and looks at me. I give him a small smile and he stands next to me.

"Are you alright, baby?" he asks.

"Yeah." I answer, knowing "I'm Fine" won't work on him. We've been through this once, he knows I can manipulate him into thinking I'm okay. I mean he just found out I relapsed. He's going to be paying attention to everything.

"No you're not." he says. I sigh and rest my head on his shoulder. "i know you well enough by now. Stop lying about it. It's okay to not be okay."

"To me, not being okay means self harm, so in my case, not being okay is a bad thing." i tell him. He sighs, knowing I'm right. "Just let me cut. Let me pay the price for relapsing. Let me learn to get better." he shakes his head and I look at him. "Why not?"

"if I let you cut, then it will get worse. Cuts will get deeper and then you'll be going to the ER for blood loss and stitches or for suicide. I'm not letting that happen."

"I'll learn my lesson!" i shout.

"You didn't learn the first time!" he shouts back. "You tried to kill yourself once and now you're back where you started! In no way have you learned your lesson!"

i don't say anything. I just look at him and then look down. He sighs.

"I don't want to fight again." he says quietly. "Especially when you're like this."

"I'll be fine." I say. He shakes his head. He knows it's not true. "Jack, can't you trust me for once?" I ask, sounding irritated.

"I did. Then you relapsed and didn't tell me." he says. I sigh. "Alex. I love you to death. If anything happened to you, I wouldn't survive an hour. Maybe less. You're the only thing in this world that is extremely important to me. This career we have is nothing compared to you.I love you and nothing will change that."

"Except maybe my arms."

"Lex, stop it." he says. I sigh.

"I can't." i tell him. He kisses my cheek. "Jack, what if I can't stop this time?"

"You will."

"But what if I can't?"

"You will Alex."

"How do you know?" I ask, tears brimming my eyes. "Jack. I'm scared." I hug him and bury my face in his chest. He hugs me tighter and rubs my back.

"I know, baby." he says. "I know."

After a few minutes, we head back to the bus. I crawl into my bun and take off my hoodie. I stare at my arm for what feels like forever. Then my curtain opens. Jack looks at me and then sees my arms. He sighs and crawls in with me.

"Babe."

"Don't. You know I've lost control of this. Don't tell me to stop because It's not that easy." I say, really just wanting to be alone.

Something else about me has changed. I'd rather be alone than be with Jack. Is my loneliness taking the place of the one I love most? I shake my head slightly, not wanting to believe that, but at the same time, knowing it's true.

"Lex... are you okay?" he asks.

"We've been over this." i say. He sighs. "Jack... something is wrong with me." I sigh. He looks at me like I'm an idiot.

"No shit, something's wrong with you." he says, motioning to my arms.

"Not like that. I've wanted to be alone more than I've wanted to be with you. I'd rather be lonely." i say, honestly. He sighs. I tell myself not to look at him because he probably looks hurt. When I look up, that's what I see. Hurt. I feel tears brimming my eyes. "I don't understand why. Jacky, I love you more than anything, but for some reason, I feel lonely. I want to be lonely and that scares me. Jack, i'm terrified at what I can do. i've lost control already! I'm a mess of scars and burns and cuts and messed up thoughts. I don't know what to do!" i cry, curling into his side, tears falling.

He holds me close to him and kisses my cheek.

"Babe, you're not a mess. I'm helping you through this, okay? We're going to go thorugh this together." he says. I decide to leave out the fact that I'm Anorexic again. "I hope this all isn't about me anymore because I'd feel really guilty."

"No.. it's not. It was at the time, but now it's just an addiction." I tell him. "Jack I don't know what to do!"

"i know, baby. Shh... shh." he soothes, I shake my head and hug him tightly. "Alex. I'll be here whenever you need me. I promise you that. Just get some sleep." I nod and close my eyes.

---

"You freak!" Zack shouts. I push myself against the wall as my bully steps closer to me. I close my eyes, trying to contain my anxiety and trying to keep myself conscious. Why am I a freak? What did I do to him?

I stand there, taking his shit and then I pass out. i wake up a minute later in a hall. The walls are of ones that resemble a hospital room, but something seems different about this. The hallway doesn't have any doors. I look down the hall at the blinding light coming through a huge window that touches the two walls, the ceiling and the floor.

I jump when I see a word on the wall. It's written in crimson and it's dripping down the wall. I walk over to it and hesitantly touch the wall with my finger. I nearly scream when I realize what it is.

Blood. The blood spells out, Faggot.

I run down the hallway as more words appear, tears now falling down my cheeks. The words hurt me, but I'm also scared. The words are written in blood. Wouldn't you be scared? I see a figure now standing in the middle of the hall.

I drop to my knees, too scared and too overwhelmed to care about who it is. A hand rests on my shoulder and I look up. I see Jack, but when i blink I see a scary face. His eyes and mouth are replaced with black pits and his face is pale and covered in deep crimson colored blood.

I scream and push him, his face turning back to the face i've come to love when I blink again. I begin to cry harder.

"Alex. Don't cry." he says in a scary calm voice. Where is Rian? He's gotta fit in here somewhere, right? I look up and see him by the window. Just kill me now.

"Alex, this is your only way out." Rian says. I get up and run. i don't care anymore. He doesn't even stop me when I crash right through the window.

---

"Alex! Alex!" multiple people say, shaking me awake. I open my eyes, sitting up quickly, forgetting i'm in an enclosed bunk and hitting my head on the bunk above me. I look over and see Rian, Zack and Jack. I look at Jack with fear, not wanting to blink.

When I blink, I cringe before opening my eyes completely. It was just a dream. Just a dream. Jack goes to hug me, but that nightmare is still fresh in my head, so tears pour out of my eyes as I curl up in the corner of my bunk.

"Jesus Christ. What were you dreaming about?" Rian asks. "Were you being murdered or something?" I don't answer. All I can picture is Jack with black pits as his eyes and his mouth and blood all over his face.

I bury my face between my legs and shake my head multiple times, trying to shake that memory out of my head. Jack pushes everyone aside and crawls in next to me, shutting the curtain. All i can think is don't hurt me, don't hurt me.

"Lex, what happened?" he asks.

"Y-you a-and Z-Zack a-and R-Rian. Z-Zack w-was b-bullying me. Then y-you showed up in a b-bright h-hallway w-with blood all over your f-face. Your e-eyes were p-pits. There was a w-window and I j-jumped through it b-because R-Rian t-told me i-it w-was the only w-way out." I say, sounding like a stuttering mess.

Jack seemed to have comprehended it quicker than me.

"Do you understand it?" he asks. I shake my head, looking up at him slowly. "It's saying that the bullying you encountered was horror to you so your mind put Zack in. Then it put me in to look horrifying to show you how scared you were and how you just wanted to be done with everything. Rian acted as your conscience. He was telling you that jumping through the window to your death, was the only way out. Technically the dream was telling you that all the pain you've been through is too much for you, so the only logical way out of it is suicide." he explains.

So it's an analogy? I didn't think my mind was capable of doing stuff like that.

Jack wipes my eyes and kisses me.

"Jack. I'm scared."

"i know you are." he says. I've probably told him that a thousand times already, but now it's true and now definitely shows it. I'm terrified. "i'm scared for you."

"Help me!" i beg, burying my face in his shoulder. "Please." i say weakly. I can't deal with my toxic thoughts. I hasn't even been that long since I relapsed.

When i was sixteen I remember these terrible thoughts and these terrifying nightmares. That was seven years ago. I haven't felt like this in seven years.

"Can I ask you something?" Jack asks. I nod. "Do you really want to die?" he asks. I sigh and say nothing. i don't know. if I die, i can't go back. Not like Jack years ago.

"I don't know." i say finally. He sighs. "Can you stay with me?" i ask, going back under my covers. Jack crawls in after me and nods.

"Good night Lex."

In the morning we've reached our next to stop. Jack wants me to go with him, Brendon and Ryan somewhere. I don't know where, but I hope we're not getting food.

"Where are we going?" I ask Jack, throwing a hoodie on.

"Somewhere. You don't need that hoodie." he says. I look at him like he's stupid. "Who cares about that? Not me. Take it off." he says. I shake my head. He sighs.

"You're crazy if you think i'm showing off scars to paparazzi." I mutter.

"Lex."

"Brendon and Ryan aren't going to see my cuts. No one needs to see them. No one cares out them." I explain. He sighs. "Can't I just stay on the bus?" I ask him. He sighs again.

"Alex. Please?" He asks. I look at him and then look down when I see him looking at me. He takes my hand and leads me off the bus, letting me put my hoodie on. We head out to the movie theater where we meet Ryan and Brendon.

"Hey, bro." Brendan greets Jack. I stand there awkwardly while they talk, just craving my lighter or my razor. One of those will work just fine.

Jack pretty much forgets I'm there which just makes me feel invisible. When we head in after getting our tickets, I just head right into the theater, not wanting to stay and buy popcorn that I'll end up throwing out. That earns weird looks from Brendon, Ryan and Jack.

If i buy my own popcorn, I'll be expected to eat it. If Jack gets it, he'll offer so I won't have to eat it. They finally get into the theater laughing. They find me and sit down, Jack sitting next to me. He takes my hand and looks at me immediately.

"Babe, you alright?" he asks. I say nothing. "Don't lie."

"No. i'm never okay, Jack." i tell him. He sighs and kisses me cheek. "I just feel alone."

"Well, now you're not. We're on a double date and it'll be fun." he says. I nod and lean my head on his shoulder. Just enjoy the movie Alex.

After the movie, we head back to the bus. I crawl into my bunk immediately and shut my eyes, falling asleep.

Notes

I like this chapter. I tried to explain the dream as best as I could.Hope it's good.

Title Credit: The Lonely by Christina Perri
-Jenna<3