So if you've never self harmed before... Then here's a nice lesson for you and why you should never start or relapse even if it does feel good.

You get addicted.

It's like meth or heroin or any other addictive drug, but you draw pictures on your body or burn yourself or do anything that might inflict pain onto yourself. If you start you have a 99.9 percent chance of getting addicted.

You may need it to get away from bullies or screaming parents or a fight with your friend, but let's be real. Maybe a month later you'll just do it because you've been doing it and you just want to feel something.

Why am I explaining this to you? Because that's me right now. I relapsed and I'm back to square one only I'll make sure Jack won't find out for a while. If he finds out it will crush him and I can't do that now.

I glance over at Jack to make sure he's sleeping and crawl stealthily out of the bed. I swiftly pick up my razor off the desk and walk into my bathroom. I shut the door and pull off my hoodie.

I position the razor against my arm and cut. One by one; more and more. I finish after two minutes and rest the metal on the sink. I stare at my arm for another two or three minutes then clean up.

See what I mean? I haven't eaten either. Not since the interview two weeks ago. I've actually had nothing more than a slice of bread and water for two weeks.

My old habits are coming back and my depression is taking over. I can't let it. Everyone needs to think I'm happy and that I'm okay. Everyone, but Rian because he walked in while I was sleeping and tended to my wounds.

I throw my hoodie back on and walk back into my room, setting my razor back in its place on my desk. Where no one can see it.

I see Jack stir and sit on the edge of the bed. He opens his eyes and looks at me. I smile.

"Hi." I greet. He smiles at me and sits up to kiss me. I rest my hand on the back of his neck and his hand rests on my cheek. I find his hand with my free one and hold it, intertwining our fingers. This kiss is different than others.

Yes, it's the first kiss we've had in weeks, but that's not why. It's needy, but sweet. I've missed this. He pulls away and smiles at me. We don't say anything for a long two minutes. After the two minutes, I go in for another kiss.

This one is more passionate than needy. We disregard the knock on the door and just enjoy each other's company. In other words, his lips on mine and my lips on his. These kisses were long overdue. The door opens and we choose that time to break apart.

"Eww!" Rian shrieks. We roll our eyes at him and I look at Jack.

"You came in." Jack says.

"Because I didn't think you'd be here." Rian retorts. "I thought Alex was alone." He says, looking at me with a look only I can figure out. He thought I was cutting. I did, but not now.

"Nope." I answer. Rian nods giving me a reassuring smile and then changing it to a more cheerful one so that Jack isn't suspicious. "So whatcha need?"

"Nothing. I was just going to make sure you didn't do anything stupid, but you're with Jack now, so why would you?" He asks me, making me feel like I now have no reason to cut. He's sending me messages through his sentences and Jack is completely oblivious.

"You never know. I deteriorated when we were apart. Who knows where my head's at now." I tell him, trying to send a message that says "my mind is screwed up now and now I could do something stupid." He seemed to have gotten it.

"Well, we'll find out and bring it back to normal." He going to try to fix me. How is Jack not picking any of this up?

"Okay." Is my response. Jack looks at us strangely, but Rian and I disregard it. Why? Because we know what we're doing and Rian so far can tell I haven't told Jack. Jack's phone goes off and he grunts.

"I'll be right back." He mutters. We nod and he leaves the room muttering a hello before shutting the door. "Have you not told him yet?" Rian asks me immediately. I shake my head.

"I may or may not have cut while he was sleeping." I tell him. Rian groans and walks over to me, pushing up my sleeves revealing the ten new cuts.

"Alex!" He shrieks loudly, but not too loud. "I told you. I deteriorated while Jack and I were apart. My head is back to where it was when we were sixteen. I can't help it." I explain. "And I relapsed. I can't stop once I've started. It takes a while to get me to stop. Jack struggled to get me to stop."

"I won't." Rian says. I look at him and Jack walks in.

He stares at his phone a minute and Rian and I stare at him.

"Um, Jack." Rian starts. "What are you doing?"

"Oh, I have to head to Brendon's hotel room. Forgot something." He says. I examine him. His hands are slightly shaking and he's tapping his foot. "Love you Alex." He says, quickly kissing me and leaving

. I look at Rian and sigh.

"Just leave it alone." Rian says. I nod.

---

"TOUR!" I scream, running down the stairs, dragging my bag behind me. My dad looks at me like I'm nuts, but I don't give a shit. "TOUR DAD!" I scream.

"Yay?" He asks. I hit him and he laughs. "Well, you have fun while I work."

"Gladly." I say. He smiles. A car horn goes off and I smile. "Bye dad!"

"Call me when you get to New York." He shouts. I shout an okay and get into the car. Jack kisses me and I smile.

"Good morning, Lex." Jack says, rubbing my thigh. I try not to back away from his touch. I might have cut my thigh up last night... It's an addiction I'm sorry. "You alright?"

"Yeah. Just banged my leg on the dining room table. It'll be fine." I lie effortlessly. He nods.

"Good." He says. I kiss his cheek and he smiles. "Ready for tour?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" I ask him. "I'm so fucking excited."

"Awesome. So am I."

"How can you not be?" I ask. He nods and we sit there listening to the radio. A song called "I'm Not Alright" by Sanctus Real comes on. "I'm not alright. I'm broken inside, broken inside. And all I go through it leads me to you, it leads me to you." I sing.

"You know this song?" He asks. I nod. We say nothing after that. It's just silent besides the music. We get to the bus and get on fast since we're almost late.

"You guys are fucking slow." Flyzik mutters.

"Blame Jack. He drives like an old lady." I joke. Jack pouts and I smile, walking over to him and kissing him. "You're such a baby."

"I'm your baby." He says. I smile at him. "Can we go cuddle?" He asks. I nod and take his hand. I claim my bunk and he does the same and then we crawl into his. He lies against the wall and I lie next to him.

We tangle our feet together and intertwine our hands. We exchange lazy kisses and just enjoy each other's company. I close my eyes and keep my arms in awkward positions just to make sure I keep my cuts hidden.

If you're wondering why I cut again, it's because I'm gaining self hatred. I can't help it. I thought my thighs were fat. Why don't I just share the flashback with you.


I lie in bed staring the ceiling. I'm kind of craving my razor, but not badly. I want to feel pain, but I don't know why. I sit up and stare at my desk.

The light from my lamp reflects off the small piece of metal and I find myself moving towards it. I grab it and walk into the bathroom.

Once I'm in the bathroom, there's no stopping me. I'm going through with it. I pull my pants down and look at my scarred up thighs.

I hold the razor to my thigh and drag it, not realizing how deep I'm actually going. I do that several times and then cut my stomach as it growls. No food.

Keep in mind, no one gave me help when I was going through this. Not for self harm, not for suicidal thoughts, not for my anorexia. Nothing.

When I'm done, blood is dripping down my leg. Great. Now I need a fucking shower. I sit there a minute watching as the blood reaches my ankle and dries up a few minutes later. When they stop bleeding, I take a damp towel and dab at my leg until all the blood is gone, trying not to irritate my cuts.

I then bring my razor into my room, limping as I walk because of my burning thigh. I lie in bed and curl up under my covers, trying to take my mind off my current state.

I start thinking about tour and think of bringing a lighter. I don't want blood on the bus, so if I'm going to harm, I can scratch or burn myself. I would do more scratching, but I could use a lighter when everyone leaves the bus to go drink.

There's a great chance that Rian won't go to the bar and leave me alone, so I won't be using the lighter as much as I'd hope.

The last thing I feel before I fall asleep is my painful thoughts and stinging cuts.


I sigh and glance at Jack. He's asleep now. Why did he fight so hard to get me back? Because he knew that I'd fall to pieces without him? Maybe he actually loves me. Hm. That's a concept...

The bus has started moving and Jack is now moving. He's awake. Finally.

"Lex?" Jack's tired voice says. I look at him and smile. "Aren't you tired?"

"It's only one in the afternoon." I tell him. He looks outside the window and giggles. I roll my eyes and kiss his cheek.

"Oh." He says. I smile.

"Go back to sleep, butthead. You're tired enough to be loopy." I say. He nods and shuts his eyes. He falls asleep almost immediately, his grip loosening on my hand.

I try to crawl out of his bunk without waking him and crawl into mine. I shut my curtain and open the window, pulling my lighter out of my bag at the end of my bunk. I open the top and ignite the flame.

I smile at it, roll my sleeves up and hold my arm to it. After a minute it starts to really burn. I pull the flame away and snap the cap over it. I stare at the burn on my arm and poke it lightly, wincing.

I put the lighter back and sigh, closing my eyes. It hurts more than twenty cuts so this is enough for me. I hear Zack and Rian talking in front and tune them out.

I put ear buds in and play "Mad World" by Gary Jules. I fall asleep a few minutes later.

Notes

Short chapter. Sorry. I had a lot of homework and I just had an orchestra concert tonight so... Yah. It probably hasn't been that long, but it's a longer stretch than what I'm used to before I update so.. Yah
title credit: Breaking The Habit by Linkin Park
-Jenna<3
PS. Read my story "The Lonely". Thinking of making it a series if people like it and if a sequel would be necessary after I finish this one.