Trigger warning: talk of self harm, eating disorders and suicide.

Jack's POV:

Alex was absolutely heartbroken about his mum not accepting our relationship. It kind of puzzled me though... How could she accept her son's sexuality but not his relationship? Have I done something wrong? I glanced over to the clock that sat on my bedside table, the red LED letters displaying a time: 4:57. I've not slept at all tonight. I couldn't help it though, I just couldn't stop thinking about the boy lying in my arms with tear-stained cheeks, asleep. I love him with my whole being and I know for certain that he's the one for me. I can't imagine myself without him. It breaks my heart to see him so broken, so hurt, so fragile. I just want to see that happy spark in his eyes again, I want to see his beautiful smile, I want to hear his infectious laugh. I've tried my best, trust me, I've tried everything I can think of but I can't help but feel like I've failed him. I know what he's going through, with the depression and everything. When Oli betrayed my trust and Vic left, I hit rock-bottom. I would go for days on end without eating, I lost a lot of weight and I hardly ever came out of my room. I did pick up a blade too, at one point. I'd heard of self harming and I thought I'd give it a go. I don't really deal with pain very well so I vowed never to do it again after only two cuts. They weren't very deep so they barely scarred, you can just about see them if you shine a light on my wrist, but you really do have to look very hard. My mum sent me to therapy and it did help, that's why I'm so adamant about Alex giving it a go. I don't want him to isolate himself like I did. I don't want him ending up in hospital, like I did, diagnosed with severed anorexia. I'm lucky to even be here today, and I owe everything to my mum for ignoring my protests against therapy. If she hadn't, I wouldn't be sat here holding the most perfect person in my arms. I probably wouldn't even be sat here. I never once purposefully tried to end my life, I was just on a slow road of self destruction. I wiped away a few stray tears that left my eyes.

My alarm rang through the room, interrupting me from my thoughts of my past. Alex stirred next to me as I blindly smacked various things on my bedside table, trying to turn my alarm off.
"Jay, turn that fucking thing off."
"I'm trying, Lexxy. Fucking hell." I turned my head and smacked the alarm, successfully turning it off. Alex sighed next to me. He mumbled something really quietly.
"What was that, babe? I couldn't quite hear you."
"I don't want to get up today...I don't even want to face the world."
I've heard this before, those exact words left my mouth two years ago.
"I know, Lex, but you've got to. You've got therapy later, anyway. And I know that doesn't make it seem any better but you never know. I'll be right by your side all day."
I planted a kiss on top of Alex's bed-hair and pulled him into my side even more. Alex turned his head to look at me but only gasped.
"Jay...are you okay?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"
"Just go and look in the mirror."
Alex sounded worried. I reluctantly got out of bed and traipsed over to the mirror hanging on the wall.
"Fucking hell."
I had dark circles under both my eyes, my eyes were puffy and red and my cheeks seemed to be sunken into my face. I felt a pair of warm arms wrap around my waist and a head tuck over my shoulder and into the crook of my neck.
"You sure you're okay now?"
Alex had a small smirk on his face, the one he always gets when he knows he's proven his point.
"Well, I know I look like shit, but I don't feel it. I didn't really sleep last night, so I'm guessing it's just down to that. I think I'm going to go and shower. to try and wake me up a bit."
I felt Alex nod in agreement. I spun around and kissed Alex, only for him to pull away with his face screwed up.
"Eww, morning breath, Jay."
"Whatever, Lex, I could say the same to you."
I waltzed out the door, leaving Alex standing in the middle of the room with the same smirk on his face.

-

School had ended and Alex and I were walking to therapy, his hand intertwined with my own. I could sense Alex's nervousness as we drew nearer to our destination. I squeezed his hand in reassurance.
"It'll all be okay, Lex. I'll be right beside you."
"It's just hard talking to a stranger about shit like this, that's all."
"I know, babe. Just give it one go, okay? If it's too much, we don't have to come back."
I pecked Alex's cheek as he nodded. We continued the rest of the walk in silence until Alex stopped outside a building I felt I knew. I read the sigh above the door:
'Dr J. Maker Therapy'
This was where I used to come for my therapy. Jeff, the therapist, was lovely and he had an amazing sense of humour, not to mention an amazing music taste.

Alex led us both inside, through the door, the old familiar smell filling my nose. The walls were the same colour, the carpet was still the same dingy green colour and the waiting room seats were still the same brown leather ones. The only thing different was the young woman sat behind the reception desk.
"Hello there. May I help you?"
Her voice was cheery, pretty ironic given the place we were in. I suppose you have to give a good impression though.
"H-hi, um, I h-have an a-appointment..."
Alex was stuttering, his free hand was playing with the hem of his shirt whilst his foot twitched in his beat-up converse.
"Okay, sweetie. What's your name?"
I felt Alex tense slightly as the woman called him 'sweetie': his mum called him that a lot. I squeezed his hand reassuringly, urging him to carry on. I was immensely proud of him for even setting foot in the door, let alone actually going through with it.
"A-alex Gaskarth."
The woman flicked through the pile of papers on her desk until she pulled one out.
"Ahh, yes, here we are. Just take a seat over there, hun, and Dr. Maker will be with you soon."
Alex nodded and shuffled over to the seats in the corner of the room.

It was weird to hear Jeff be referred to as 'Dr. Maker'. To me, it sounds like the title of an art show that you find on the kid's channel. The receptionist who was here when I came, Maria, always used to call him Jeff. Maria was lovely but she was getting on a bit. She fell ill shortly after I stopped going to therapy and I later saw a tribute to her in the paper that my mum had left open on the table one day. I was sad to hear that she'd passed but at least she wasn't suffering any more. I've always regarded her as one of the people who helped me get to where I am today. I was brought out of my thoughts by a door opening across the room.
"Alex Gaskarth?"
Alex stood up, pulling me up with him. I looked up to see a familiar face smiling at us: Jeff.

Alex's POV:

Jack was silent...he's never silent. Maybe he doesn't know what to say. I mean, I would be the same if I had to go with my pathetic excuse for a boyfriend to therapy.
"Alex Gaskarth?"
A bearded man stood by the door that had opened, his hands in his jeans pockets. He smiled at Jack and I. I stood up, tugging on Jack's hand to get him to stand too.
"Um, is it o-okay if he comes i-in with me?"
I was stuttering more than usual. Come on, Alex! Pull yourself together!
"Of course it's okay for Jack to come in with you. Come on in."
Jeff turned and led us into a small room with two sofas in and a coffee table in between the two. The room had a comforting feel about it. There were pictures of beaches on the cream walls and a load of nice fluffy cushions on the sofas. Wait, how did he know Jack's name?
"Have a seat, guys. Right, I'm sorry about this, Alex, but I really need to do this."
I looked at Dr. Maker with a confused face as I sat down on one of the sofas.
"How have you been doing, Jack? It's been a few years since I've last seen you."
Jack smiled but let out a small sigh.
"Good, actually. A lot better since I met Alex."
Jack patted my knee as he said my name, I felt a small smile appear on my face. How did they know each other though?
"That's fantastic, Jack, it really is. I see you've embraced your sexuality too; you two suit each other. It's good to see you've put weight on too, I've been constantly worried about you since you didn't turn up for your review session."
Jack coughed awkwardly.
"Yeah, um, sorry about that. But I'm a lot better now, thanks to you. Thank you, honestly, I honestly don't know what I would've done."
"I'm glad, honestly. Right, sorry about that, Alex. Your mum phoned up saying that she was worried about you. Now, obviously she told me her side of it all, but I'd just like to hear it from your point of view. You don't have to but I'm here to help you."
Jeff's voice was smooth and calming. It kind of intrigued me how he knew Jack but I guess if Jack opened up to him, the least I can do is do exactly that. He seemed to have helped Jack, after all. What do I have to lose?
"Um, well, I guess you could say that I've never been, what you'd call happy. My dad walked out on my mum, my brother and I when I was four. My mum coped well but it was tough on us all. We managed though. I've always been that weird kid at school, so I've always been bullied, especially after I came out as gay." My voice was just above a whisper. Jack squeezed my hand, telling me to continue. I looked up at Dr. Maker to see his face full of curiosity. "Um, well, I was twelve when it happened. I'd come home from school one day to a silent house. I'd been beaten up pretty bad that day too.. I walked into my room to find a note from my brother. I didn't read it, I just went into his room. I saw passed out on the floor in a pool of blood with a bottle of vodka in his hand and a blade next to him. I called for an ambulance but it was too late. Tom and I were really close; he was the only one who knew what went on at school. I told him everything. The bullying got worse when people at school found out. I turned to self harming to cope with it but that, too, got worse. Mum and I moved over from England a few months back. It wasn't easy at first, I was bullied but that person soon came to his senses and he's sitting next to me now."
I wiped a few tears that had escaped my eyes off my face. I heard a sniff from beside me. I turned to look at Jack with tears streaming down his face.
"Always were the emotional type, hey, Jack."
Dr. Maker handed Jack and I box of tissues.
"I'm really sorry to hear about your loss, Alex. It's always hard when anyone passes away but from what you've said, it sounds like you and Tom were incredibly close. I just need to ask a few questions first."
I nodded although I was freaking out on the inside. I knew this part would come but I was still dreading it.
"How long has it been since you last self harmed?"
"Um, a month back, I think."
"That's good, do you have any issues with eating at all?"
"Um, well, not exactly. I just rarely feel hungry, but I've always been like that."
"It says here that you live with your mum, are there any issues between the two of you?"
"Well, funny you should say that. I walked out on her last night because she said didn't approve of Jack and I...I'm sort of living with Jack at the moment, I practically did anyway."
"Right, okay. Sorry to hear about that, too, Alex. Last one: the bullying. Has it stopped now?"
"Yeah, well, kind of. Jack and I get shit- oops, sorry- crap for being gay. It's not too bad but it gets to me sometimes."
Dr. Maker wrote something down on what I'm guessing was is my file.
"Right, we'll leave it there for today, Alex. I'd like to see you the same time next week. In the meantime, I'll go over your notes and figure out some ways to help you. You seem like a really good kid, Alex, it'd be a shame to lose you. I know you probably think that you're broken beyond repair but you can be fixed. Jack thought the same a few years back, now he's the happiest I've ever seen him. Thanks for coming today and speaking to me, I know it's hard. It's nice to see you again, Jack. I'm glad you're doing better. See you next week."
With that, Jack and I stood up and left the room.

Our walk home was uneventful. The cold air nipped at our bodies as Jack and I walked home.
"I'm proud of you, Lex. That took a lot."
"I did it for you...and me, but mostly you. It was obvious that you and Dr. Maker-"
"Jeff"
"Jeff knew each other from past meetings. I figured that if you could open up to him then so could I."
"He really is a good man, he'll get you through it and I'll be with you every step of the way."
"Thanks, Jay. I love you."
"I love you too, Lexxy."
"Oh, and Jay? You're gonna have to tell me how you and Jeff got to know each other so well...What did he mean when he said you've put weight on? You're so fucking skinny anyway. What did he mean by-"
"Okay, okay. Calm down, action man. I'll tell you when we get back, okay? You deserve to know, especially since I now know about...you know. You never told me about Tom though. I understand why. It's hard and it does seem like you two were incredibly close."
"I'm sorry, Jay. We were, he was the only friend I had back in England."
"You've got me now though. Come on, let's get a coffee, head home and talk about it there, okay?"
I nodded and let Jack drag me off in the direction of Starbucks before heading home with cups of steaming coffee in our hands.

Notes

Hi,
I'm really sorry about not updating yesterday but I dislocated my shoulder and I've had a headache from stress for five days now. Not to mention, I made a total idiot of myself in front of the guy I like yesterday, wow.
I'm rambling...
I guess you've got more of an insight into Jack and Alex's lives in this chapter. I promise it'll get cheerier soon.

If any of you need to talk about anything, just message me. I know what it's like and I've been there myself. I understand. The offer's there, anyway.

Thanks for reading, it means a lot.
Em x