*Alex POV*

Alexander William Gaskarth, you sir are a fucking Coward.


“Really?” Jack coked an eyebrow

“Yes Jack really, I’m sorry” I let go of my grip on Jack.

“Huh, that funny because I think your fucking boner says different”

My what? I looked down at myself.

“Shit”

“See Alex you DID feel something, its okay me too! Alex it’s totally okay! It’s Love-“

“Don’t fucking give me your love speech again!” Jack looked at me dumbfounded

“I don’t fucking Care if it’s Love, its wrong and we are fucking going to fall apart! We're not doing this Jack! end of discussion”

“Alex but… But I love you!”

“If you love me let me go! Now i said drop it” I was angry at this point.

“Alex do you fucking hear yourself right now!? We are perfect for each other! I am yours and you are mine!”

“I never was yours! Okay so what If I felt sparks, that’s not going to change the fact that it wrong and everything will soon fall apart afterwards! Jack I just want to fucking kiss you and never stop but I can’t!”

“Why not!? Why fucking not!? We both want to anyways! Why cant we!?”

“Because Jack its wrong!”

“I don’t fucking care! I shouldn't have to- WE shouldn't have to suffer because something is ‘wrong’! It’s so wrong its right!”

“Jack it isn’t that simple!”

“Lex do you hear yourself right now? You sound like a lunatic! I love you but I can’t be with you because its said ‘wrong’ your not even giving me reasons why its wrong you are just saying it is. what fucking part is wrong about it? does any of that sound right?”

“I never said I love you.”

“You didn’t have to; your dick did that for you!”

“Jack stop it!”

“Lex when ever has love been wrong?” Jack walked closer to me.

“Right now Jack!” Jack kept walking closer to me till I was up against the wall.

“Jack stop it now”

“Oh Just stop it Lex!” Jack pinned my hips against the wall and started kissing, I just sank into the kiss and kissed back. Jack pulled away.

“Pathetic” I pushed Jack off of me.

“I’m going for a drive” I stormed out of the house and got in my car. I looked up at my window the light was seeping through window. That’s when it hit me.

I started crying, I was crying really hard. I need to escape and be away for awhile.
I started mentally writing song lyrics and singing them to myself.

I’m sorry, I’m really a mess right now, I’m trying my best to get it together somehow.
I am a fucking mess I don’t know what to! I can’t be with Jack but I can’t be without him it’s like I’m chained! ANd cursed

Tell me where love goes when it’s gone; tell me where hearts go when they go wrong. Suddenly someone is no one I've come undone.

I’m sorry I let me fall for you. I can forget you and erase you but I can’t undo you. You’re the hand I can hold, the words that are told when I’m lonely and I don’t want you back I just want to have what you took from me.

I just want my life back! Why did I even move in with Jack?!?! You came crying to him when you walked in on Lisa.
I’m such an idiot I should have dealt with that problem like a man instead of running to Jack like a coward. What am I going to do? I can’t tell Jack the truth; it will ruin everything, right? I wouldn't know what to say if I had him! Jack is so special and I want to be with him I do, I really do! He is such a special person there is no one like him, Jack is one of a kind! I fucking love him for that; I really wish I wasn't so scared!
I need to find a way where I don’t end up crying all the time! I can’t, I can’t tell Jack the truth! Damn it Alexander GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! You are a walking train wreck!

I can’t keep going on acting like everything is alright when I’m being torn in two on the inside. This is touchier! All I can think about is me on Jacks lips, all I want is to be with him but I fucking can’t. If I go back he will know I was lying! Jack didn’t even stop me when I stormed out; it was like he wanted me to leave. That’s not true Jack would never wish anything bad upon me. I found my one and only and I cant have him. Is this some kind of cruel joke?

“Guess what Alex we found your true love”

“Oh Boy really who is it?”

“Well um the thing is…he's a guy”

“Oh well.... I never thought I was gay but I guess true love is true love right?”

“Oh No Alex your not gay, you are only Gay for this certain male”

“Oh well that’s cool too, I guess? No really who is it?”

“He’s your best friend Jack.”

Like seriously! I need to get my shit straiten out! I feel like there is a big whole in my chest!

I pulled over because the tears were blurring up my vision pretty bad. I started to cry even harder, pulling my legs up to my chest and crying into my knees. This is not the life I want to live.
This is not what I intended, I always swore to you I’d never fall apart. You always thought that I was stronger, I may have failed but I have loved you from the start.

I want to be happy with the one I love but I’m so scared. I know he will never hurt me but I don’t know what to do!! I don’t think there is anything I can do! Jack is 100% perfect and yet I am making up lies to stay away form him! Me being with Jack wouldn’t affect Rian or Zack, they would be surprised but they would accept us. Well Rian wouldn’t be surprised because Jack has told him everything, does Zack know too? Has everyone known this who time. I wiped away the tears from my face and sniffled my nose. My phone started to ring and I just answered it.

“What? Who is this? W-What do you w-want”

“…Alex” Jacks voice was soft and slow, he sounded scared.

“Leave me Alone Jack.”

“Lex please don’t do anything stupid, please just come home, I’m sorry for calling you pathetic”

“No Jack your right, I am pathetic”

“Alex please just come home and we can talk about it, I know how you feel.”

“Just leave me alone Jack, Goodbye” I hung up the phone and threw it in the back seat.

I started to cry even harder. “Why does he have to make things so hard?”

The truth is I’m scared, I’m digging myself a hole I don’t think I can climb my way out.

Notes

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