Jack’s pov

Zack showing me what I looked like really opened my eyes. I never saw my bones when I looked in the mirror I saw fat. There was no fat. Just bones. I did this to myself. My hair is falling out. My clothes don’t fit anymore. Tears fell and I cried. Everyone then hugged me, Alex too. Part of me knew I should hate him, but I couldn’t. I wanted to but I couldn’t. Part of me didn’t want to but I showed my arms. They already knew how I was falling apart, might as well show all the way. Alex did stare at my arms longer then everyone else but I knew it was because he felt guilty. I put my clothes back on but I didn’t put my coat on. Instead, I put makeup on my arms to take away the redness. Walking off the bus, I held my head high for the first time in a long time.

It was time to play a show. We all warmed up as the fans poured into the venue. I was nervous. Would anyone be able to see my scars? Would people yell at me? Pushing my worries aside, I pumped myself up to play a good show. Rian handed me another drink and made me drink a little bit before we went on. The wonder years went on and played a good show. Normally, we would play before Pierce the Veil but since they weren’t here right now, Sleeping with Sirens had a bit longer set and then it was our turn before A Day To Remember played.

The crowd was wild and I breathed in every once of it that I could. Unlike a few days ago, or even this morning, I felt alive for the first time in what feels like forever. The set change came and I was beyond ready to rock. Running on stage, I took to my usual side and started the intro to Outlines. The first half of our set was fun. Our charisma was just right for the first time in a very long time. During our two-minute break, I talked to the crowd a little bit, got a feel for who was here tonight. Alex, once he had finished taking a sip from his water said, “I’m going to change up the set for a moment, tech guys please don’t hate me but I feel like we should play therapy right now.”

The crowd seemed happy with his input and a tech crewmember gave him an acoustic, which he took and I got mine. He then did something that shocked me; he dedicated the song to someone, that someone being I. He didn’t flat out say me but this was what he said, “ I would like to dedicate this song to someone who means a lot to me and I’m sorry we haven’t been like we should. This song also goes out to all the kids out there who just need a hug and feel lost and that they’re alone. Your not as alone as you may think you are because someone somewhere out there cares about you.”

We then played the song and he sang the lyrics. I did something I didn’t normally do, I sang with him. He smiled at me when he heard me sing along. The lyric I sang in particular was, “give me therapy, I’m a walking travesty but I’m smiling at everything.”

Once the song was over, we played remembering Sunday and then we played a more cheerful song, I feel like dancing before ending our set with Dear, Maria as we usually end it with.

Once we were off stage, we were handing our instruments off and wiping off all the sweat. ADTR still had yet to go on so we stuck around for their set and watched before being ushered back to the bus where we all took showers. Once we were all cleaned up, we sat in the living room and watched a movie before we all fell asleep scattered around the room.



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The last two months have gone extremely fast. Pierce the Veil joined us and its been a nonstop good time. Alex and I have talked everything out for the most part and are now working on rebuilding our friendship. Lisa has been away for quite awhile and I’m sure Rian and Zack and I all agree that we don’t miss her around. Vic and I have gotten even closer. He is honestly the best boyfriend ever; he treats me very well and just overall completes me.


Also, in the last two months, I put on a little bit of weight. My starting weight several months ago was 145; I dropped to about 105. I lost 40 pounds I couldn’t afford to lose. I am currently at 118. It’s been very difficult but everyone around me has been very helpful and understanding. Starting out was very hard but I’ve been able to do well. Zack and Rian got me to drink those ensure things for the longest time. Vic helped me eat smaller meals. Part of me wants to lose the 13 pounds I just put on but because Vic has been helping me, he doesn’t let me make bad decisions.

Mike also has been helping me out; he got me a bong since I smoked with him a lot now. I smoke purely for the medical purposes. It makes me able to eat and helps with the process of having to eat. My bones don’t stick out so much anymore and my hair stopped falling out so I’m happy but I’m still unhappy about gaining weight.

Currently, we are almost done with tour. We have only two weeks left and that’s nerve racking. Once we end this tour, we get like a few weeks off for holiday then we tour until April, get a week off and then tour until may and then we get the summer off while we work on new stuff then tour in like the fall once again. After that, I have no clue what were doing but I’d like to rest at some point.

I’m also worried about Vic and I’s relationship. I’m no fool, I know about how people call him and Kellin, Kellic and wish they dated much like me and Alex and the Jalex ship. I also see how they act. They act a lot like me and Alex do at times. I don’t worry a lot because Kellin has Katelyn but I still worry at times. I can see the lust in Vic’s eyes whether or not he sees it yet. He’s going to break my heart at some point, and there’s nothing I’m going to be able to do about it. But for now, I’ll love him with all that I have.

Currently, I am lying in my bunk sleeping off a shitty hangover from partying last night. My stomach felt like shit and I didn’t want to move. My curtain opened and light poured in. I groaned and put the pillow over my face. Rian, who I saw above me ripped the pillow away and said, “its time to get up and face the hangover. Here’s some Advil. We have a show in less than three hours. We decided to let you sleep through sound check since you were knocked out cold all morning. It’s currently 3 pm; doors open at 6, we go on at 8. Meet and greet is at 4:30 so get up and get ready.”

He walked away. Five minutes later when my stomach was calmer, I pulled myself out of my bunk and to the bathroom to take a quick shower. My eyes avoided the scars all over my skin as I washed the alcohol from my body. I was two months clean from self-harm. Zack and Rian helped me through a lot. When I wanted to reach for a blade, I talked with them. They helped me through the urges and through all that they could.

Once I was clean, I got dressed in skinny jeans; glamour kills T-shirt and Nikes. The clock read 3:45. I had about little less than an hour until the meet n greet. Styling my hair, I sprayed the last of the hair spray on my hair and went to eat something. After making something small, I noted that the bus was empty for the most part so I ate a lot less than the guys had been stuffing me with.

I met up with Zack and we went to the meet n greet area. By the time the fans started to come in, my hangover was pretty much gone. The lots of water I downed helped a lot. The meet and greet went well, got lots of hugs and a girl gave me a suitcase that was full of home alone things, like my own little kit. It was incredible and I loved it very much.

By the time the meet and greet ended, we were all in good spirits and having a good time. Dinnertime came, and I ate my normal amount that the guys gave me and then got ready for the show. The Wonder years opened up the night and played a good show. Next was us. My favorite part of the set is when Vic comes to play A Love Like War. As usual, it was a lot of fun. Our set ended not long later and I cleaned up and got ready to watch Vic’s set. He was warming up so I didn’t get a chance to see him before his set.

Sleeping with sirens played and of course, did well. I will admit, sometimes Kellin’s voice does get me and so does his personality but he is one of Vic’s good friends so I put up with how much he can irritate me at times. Once their set was over, PTV played. As usual, it was awesome. King for a Day went well with Kellin. Well he of coursed played up the Kellic and all of the fans screamed louder and louder. It of course made me a little jealous. Vic was my boyfriend and currently, it did not look like he and I were in a relationship because he looked like he was dating Kellin and not me. Jeremy shook his head (he knew about me and Vic and was a big supporter of me through my problems, he was really nice) he also patted my back as we stood side stage. Next was the song Jeremy was in. Kellin winked at Vic as he walked off. He gave me a dirty look then disappeared back stage somewhere.

The song went well and Jeremy did a good job at riling the crowd up. I did something I didn’t think I’d do in a long time; I went into the crowd during ADTR’s set.

Notes

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