You're Good At Smiling.

Rian’s POV

The lady that interviewed us pissed me off a little bit. She wouldn’t stop until she got an answer out of Jack about if he was seeing anyone, what his sexuality was and if he liked anyone. I admired his answer. It seemed well thought out. What made my jaw drop lower than the floor was when Alex said he was with Lisa. Later on at breakfast, when he admitted he was back with her now for 6 days, I tried to read Jack’s face. He was unreadable which was completely rare and a first for me. A second later he smiled and told Alex as long as he was happy, he was happy for him. That was a really adult thing for Jack to do. I think it caught all of us off guard a bit because of us knowing what Lisa had done to him and he doesn’t throw a fit about Alex getting back with her.

I wanted to throw the fit Jack didn’t have. Alex slept with Jack and they’ve avoided each other since the moment they both woke up that morning. Jack has smoked more weed then ever, according to Mike. Mike was upset that Jack and Vic broke up. I think we all were. They both were finally happy and to see it fall apart like that was tragic. Jack needed Alex but Alex pushed Jack away yet again. Last time, we saw Jack falling apart and this time, he’s hiding it. I only hope we can help him before its far too late.



TIME LAPSE FOUR WEEKS


Jack’s POV


It’s been five weeks since I slept with Alex and Four weeks since I had fallen further and further into a rabbit hole I could not escape. Upon returning home, Alex and Lisa once again locked me out to have sex, which prompted me to sleep in my car once again and have the same nightmare once again. They had sex like 24/7, which meant if I got any sleep, it was barely any. We’ve been on break for a month and we go back to tour in three more months. It was decided we needed a break to decompress after coming off of two back to back tours. I was grateful. It meant I only had to see Rian and Zack when they asked to meet up which was only about once a week.

Now that I did not have anyone hovering over me watching me eat, I ate barely anything, just enough to not die just yet. Alex didn’t care. I already knew that. He never ever asked if I needed anything. He not once checked on me, which really hurt. I could be dead and rotting and he’d only notice once there was a smell.

There was a knock on my door and something then was slid underneath, a note. Slowly getting out of bed, trying not to pass out from lack of energy, I got the note before flopping down again on my bed. The note read,
“ Jack, I am moving out and in with Lisa. I’ll continue to pay my portion of rent.” And that was it.

I ripped it up and tossed it to the other side of the room and laughed manically. Finally, I had gotten what I wanted: to be alone.


TIME LAPSE 1 WEEK

Living alone was different. There was no noise made by a roommate. I was alone 24/7. it was me and my thoughts and it was quite claustrophobic. I showered when needed and ate only enough to not die. My current weight loss was 26 pounds off my weight from last month meaning I weighed a mere 92 pounds. My hair started to fall out again but I didn’t care. I wore beanies and three hoodies just to stay warm. Every time I met up with someone, I wore two jackets and made it look like I hadn’t have lost so much weight. But I had yet to meet anyone in two weeks. I changed the locks so no one could get in and kept the door locked. No matter who called, I didn’t answer the phone. I rarely texted people back. The only person I sorta kept in contact with was Mike. He texted me constantly until I at least gave some sort of answer.

The time I spent sober was little to the time I spent high or drunk. Deciding to finally go out for the first time in weeks, I cleaned up, made it look like I was fine and left to go to a bar. This girl started talking to me and I had to admit she was kinda cute but she kept sniffling so I asked her if she had a cold. She giggled and led me to the bathroom. She produced a small baggy of white power and said, “its better than everything. It makes you invincible.”

“You don’t have to try it but here, have some anyway? Who knows, maybe you might like it.” she winked and left me standing there.

Calling it a night, I went home to my empty lonely apartment. I debated it back and forth whether or not to try it. The curious half of me got the best of me and I put some on the table, put it in lines and snorted. It burned at first but it felt fucking good afterwards. Doing more lines, I felt so good.

Cleaning it up, I had so much energy. I worked out and then passed out in my bed.




The next morning I felt like utter shit. I felt like death and wanted to die. In this moment, there was nothing left for me. My phone went off for like the 30 billionth time. Checking it, it said I had a new text but not from someone I talk to very often. Billie-Joe Armstrong.

The message read, “I saw the interview you did a few months back. Saying what you did had courage and not many people have that. Anyways, I’m in town for month or two and was wondering if you wanted to go get coffee. Haven’t seen you in a long while and figured why not. Let me know what you decide.”

I texted back, “ thanks. It wasn’t an easy interview. I’d love too. I also have an empty room if you need somewhere to stay, Alex moved out a while back. The room’s yours if you want it.”

He texted back, “thanks! :D I’ll take you up on that. My flight comes in tomorrow at 3 pm. I can get a cab or a friend to drop me off.”

“ I can pick you up. It’s no big deal. It gives me something to do. Lol”

We then decided where we would meet up. Looking around the apartment, I took in the sight. It was an utter mess. Bottles lay all around, it smelt kinda weird and it wasn’t a pleasant place at the moment. Sighing to myself, I grabbed my doc and plugged my phone in. I put Blink182 on pretty loud and started to clean. I picked up all the bottles and put them in the recycling.

I cleaned everything I could think of; everything in the kitchen, the entire bathroom, the entire living room. I put my room off until the end of the list. Making sure the room where he would stay was clean, I changed the sheets and dusted and moped the floor. It would be nothing but the best for Billie. Once I had finished, it was well into the evening. The hunger pains in my stomach were really bad so I gave into eating. I ultimately had a lot of vegetables, eggs and some chicken to get protein and vitamins. Once I was done, I started to clean my room. It wasn’t too messy it just was a lot of unwashed clothes, empty bottles and random garbage. The time I finally finished, it was around two am. Crawling into my bed, I passed out and let sleep take me.



The next morning I woke up around 10. It was the first time in a long while that I had gotten more than 5 hours of sleep and it was a peaceful sleep. I made breakfast with what was left in the fridge, which wasn’t much, and made a note to go to the grocery store in a bit. Part of me wanted to hate myself for eating but I knew I needed some sort of food to have any energy and eating did make me feel a little bit better. Cleaning up the dishes, I took a quick shower and put on several layers of clothes since it was quite chilly out and the late November weather was giving way to winter.

The grocery store I went to wasn’t too crowded thankfully, and it had all that I wanted and needed to get. I got a lot of vegetables to make healthy food and some meat to cook with it. I also got a few bottles of vodka and whiskey of course. My phone beeped and said I had a new message.

From Billie:
Hey so my flight got delayed for an hour so I will be there a little bit later than planned. I can get another ride if need be but can u still pick me up?

I texted him back saying it was fine as I checked out and paid for what I had bought. Not paying attention, I bumped into someone’s cart. Looking up, I wished I hadn’t. It was Alex. I didn’t want him to say anything but he did.
“Hey Jack.” He said acting if nothing had ever been wrong.
“Hello.” I said softly, not looking him in the eye.
“That’s a lot of food you got there.”
“Yeah. Well since your not there, I will be having someone stay with me for a while. A friend needed a place to stay out here while doing some work.”
“Oh, would this someone be someone I know? Say Vic?”
“Nope. I haven’t talked to Vic since a while ago.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah well, I have to go and put these away before I go and pick him up from the airport. So I guess I’ll see you when I see you.” I said in a rushed tone suggesting that I had no more time to talk to him.

I awkwardly waved as I walked away to my car leaving him standing there. Getting home, I loaded the groceries into the fridge; but it took me longer because I had to stop and take breaks because I was getting really tired really fast. Once that was done, I vacuumed and made sure there was nothing a hair out of place, that the apartment had not been a total mess not even 24 hours before.

Sitting down, I checked twitter, tweeted some fans back and blocked a lot of negative people. Today, today I would not let it bother me. I then posted a picture of the apartment (a small portion) and said, “this floor is so clean its amazing #hardworking”. I then did the final checks to make sure Alex’s old room was spotless and that Billie would not randomly find a used condom some where in the room that was hidden from sight. Deeming it clean, I then waited for Billie to text me saying he was here.


Shortly around the time he said he’d be in, he called me saying they were about 10 minutes from landing. Grabbing my keys, I locked the apartment up and drove to the airport. I was excited to pick him up. Billie and I were actually good friends when we talked but that wasn’t often anymore since we both were constantly in different time zones. I didn’t have to wait to long for him to come out of the terminal and wave to me. Getting out, I hugged him and helped him put his bags in the trunk before I drove away and home.

We made small talk while I drove. He asked how come I had a spare room and I explained that Alex had moved out to his girl friend’s house. I tried to not let any of what I truly felt about the matter into my voice but my voice cracked at some point. Changing the subject, I asked him about his family. His oldest son was about to graduate and his youngest was now in high school. His wife was doing well and so was he. He said he was out here helping someone with an album and was going to be recording a few songs and playing a few small shows.

I told him he was welcome to borrow my car he just needed to give me a heads up so I knew if I needed to get another means of transportation. He was really grateful for me letting him stay with me. He said that he could pay me rent for the room but I told him it was fine and that he didn’t need to worry about it.

Once back at the apartment, I let him settle in and do what ever he wanted while I was in my room; I also let him know that there was a fridge full of food and he was welcome to make anything he wanted. Going into my room, I picked up my guitar and played several random songs without much thought. I then practiced some of my own songs so I wouldn’t lose them and then played more random things. it wasn’t until Billie knocked on the door had I realized I was playing 21 guns.

“Nice song that you were playing. I wonder who wrote such a nice piece.” He said smirking slightly.

I rolled my eyes and said, “I played whatever my guitar and my hands took me too. I zoned out and I guessed I started to play it.”

“Yeah, I was standing here for about five minutes until you looked up.” he said softly before continuing, “can I come in.” he said at the doorway of my room.

“Yeah come in. you don’t have to awkwardly stand there.”

“I didn’t want to upset you. I really don’t want to have to stay somewhere else and risk having people knock on my door at 3 am asking for pictures and pictures.”

I laughed at the memory of that happening once while we were on tour; needless to say we were all very tired the next morning.

“Anyways, I just wanted to make sure you’re doing alright. Y’know, your one of my good friends and I know about some of the stuff going on and well I worry sometimes.”

“ You worry about me?” I asked.

“Yes. A lot as of recently. When I decided to come out here, I asked around for who was in town and whom I could stay with who wouldn’t mind. Several people mentioned you. Rian told me what was going on and filled me in on everything that he could.”

“So you know don’t you?”

“Yes. And as much as they want you to recover and get better, it’s up to you. I know what its like to deal with things that are addictive, I’ve gotten several DUI-S and have had to go to rehab several times. If there’s anyone who knows about being at rock bottom and having to get better, its me.”
I awkwardly nodded at what he was saying.

“ Look Jack, I don’t want to stress you out or upset you. I only want to help and have some fun while I’m out here.”

“ Did you decide to stay with me or did Rian convince you?”
“ I decided. Y’know why? I see some of myself in you. I see a kid who just needs a friend and a hand to get up from what he’s been through. I’m not saying lets go out and fix this all in one day, I’m saying lets take it little by little.”
“Are you doing this because you feel sorry for me? Because you know that your one person who meant a lot to me when I was in high school. How I played your songs trying to escape the hell I’d create for myself.”

“I’m doing this because I care about you. We had a blast on that tour several years ago and well, I want to tour with you guys again but Jack; that cant happen if your in the hospital or worse. Dead.”

“I get it okay. Everyone’s worried about me. They think I’m one day closer to dying. It’ll be on their conscious that they didn’t help when they could have. So they send someone they know I’d probably listen too.”

“Jack. Stop. You are about to work yourself up into a fit and we both know how it’s going to end. Do you want to continue on and have a fit and feel worse or do you want to prevent it and do something else?”
I stayed silent.
“Exactly.” He said.

Sitting down beside me, he hugged me. Like one of those hugs that make you feel real good and safe.

“So my schedule will be like this for the upcoming week. I have to go to the studio from 8 am to about 3 pm. Next week it will be from 9-1. So that means I’ll be here for dinner and breakfast. You’re also welcome to go to the studio with me Y’know. Maybe we could collaborate on something.”

“That’d be awesome. I’d love to go in with you.”

“There is an ultimatum however. Rian said for in order for you to come with me, you need to call him later today.”

“ Okay. I’ll call him in a bit.”

“Good. So do you want to tell me anything that’s going on? Talking about it helps as cliché as that sounds.”

“What’s there to say? I fuck up so many relationships, a shit load of people hate me and I’m not worth the air I breathe.”

“How do you fuck it up?”

Running a hand through my hair, more hair fell out. Unlike the first time, I didn’t panic when I saw my hair in my hand. I simply got up and threw it away. There’s nothing I can do about it so why panic? Sighing softly; I said, “Because, I’m not good enough, I’m not skinny enough. They deserve so much more than I can give them. They deserve someone who doesn’t get depressed and isn’t fucked up more than they candle. Vic cheated on me.”

Billie patted my back. Tears formed in my eyes as I continued, “he slept with Kellin a few nights before the tour ended. They were both drunk but, but I saw how they looked at each other for so long. I knew it’d happen but yet I let my self-fall head over heals in love with Vic. I knew it was never going to work with Alex. Alex is too complicated and he, he deserves so much more than me. He deserves someone like Lisa. Someone who can make him happy and not mad.”

“Y’know what? I think you deserve someone better than both of them. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have that look about someone. You deserve someone who makes you think nothing but positive about yourself.”

“I don’t think that will ever happen. It wasn’t meant for me. I was meant to be the illusion of happy.”

Billie sighed. He ran a hand through his hair and abruptly stood up. Grabbing a mirror he put it in front of me.

“What do you see?” he asked.

I see someone who’s tired.”

“Okay. Do you know what I see? I see sunken in eyes and cheeks. I see your hair falling out. I see the dark circles under your eyes. I know you are wearing multiple jackets and pants. You think your fat because so many people have told you so and its easier to believe what they say than to think for yourself. Tell me, by letting them make you think you are fat, are you thinking for yourself?”

“no.”

“Do you see what I’m saying? You are a person of your own free will and choices. And if you were fat, who cares? It’s your body. Society may want you to be so thin it’s deadly but you decide whether or not that happens and you decide whether to let it break you or make you stand taller.”

“So your saying I need to stand tall?”

“I’m saying you can’t let them destroy you. They are going to break you down but that doesn’t have to happen.”

“Okay.”

“Do you think that maybe getting a little bit better might be a positive?”

“Maybe. I guess my hair wouldn’t fall out and I wouldn’t be tired so easily.”

“Exactly. So how about we start slow. Really slow. Like only a small snack. Something that wont be too heavy on your stomach. An egg will be okay and so would a vegetable or fruit and for the time being you should probably take some vitamins so you can fix the lack of vitamins.”

“Okay.”

“So here’s what we should do, I want you weigh you so I can track your improvement but I will not tell you the number and I will take the scale with me when I’m not here so you are unable to check. I will not force you to know the number. This will stay between you and me unless Rian absolutely positively has to know.”

“Okay.”


Helping me out of my extra clothes, I stripped down to my boxers and he had me stand on the scale. I tried to look at the number but he covered it when I tried to look. When I looked in the mirror, I was horrified. The other times I looked, I never quite saw what I saw now. Right now, I saw a skeleton with skin. I started to cry. It took Billie-Joe standing in my bathroom with me in my boxers to see what I was doing to myself.

I sat on the floor crying for quite some time. Billie sat there with me but he eventually picked me up and carried me to my bed and tucked me in. Sleep came to me rather quick because I worked myself up so much.

Notes

okay so i really thought i had posted this chapter a LOOOOOOONNNNGGG time ago. but i see that i did not. so i hope you are all doing well, i am doing okay. so please review! let me know what you think! i am not in a school production any more so i have a bit more time! (:

love you all! happy thanksgiving!

~Ash