You're Good At Smiling.

Jack’s POV


For the rest of the week, I couldn’t look at Alex or the rest of my band mates. They knew what happened between Alex and me. I felt like a dirty used whore who knew that they had no worth. Because of the tension and stress on the bus, I had to return to my old habits. My so called Mask went on a hundred times tighter and now if people thought they knew what was going on, they really had no clue because this time, I pretended I was fine. To everyone else, I was happy care free and on my way into recovery but I knew in the darkest parts of my soul I could not recover and be on this bus with him.

Him. So many parts of me wanted to talk to him but the biggest part in me would not allow me to. I knew what I was to him; a rebound, a drunken slut and nothing but a hole but his dick in. He had not once tried to talk to me since that night. Then again, I have been avoiding him like he had plague. But, still. He could have tried to talk to me right? Tell me that it was a drunken mistaken and he didn’t mean to sleep with me. At least have the decency to face what happened. But he hasn’t.

So here I am letting myself fall further into my own downfall. They were wrong when they said I needed to put on more weight. If anything, I need to take it off. Alex won’t love me because I’m not skinny enough. I’m not good enough. He deserves so much more than I can ever give him.

I’m pretty sure the other bands as well as the fans have noticed the tension between all of us once again. But this time around, I didn’t go running into Vic’s arms crying about how Alex won’t love me. This time around, I hit the bottle harder and harder. I have a bottle of Jack Daniels hidden in my bunk and it has been my best friend for the last few days. My alcohol tolerance has gone up a lot but it still makes me sick. So I make sure that if I’m about to get sick, it’s not near my band mates.

The three steps forward I took in recovery are now wasted, I’m now further gone then I was before and this time I want to be alone. People don’t make you feel better. They make it all worse. Alex pushed me away and hit me so many times. Then I start to get closer to Vic and I thought we really had something but then he cheated on me. I really wanted to take my relationship with Vic further. I wanted to be with him a lot longer than we were. He made me really happy and now he’s gone. I can’t run to him every time I get upset. It wouldn’t be fair. So instead, I have to suck it up and try to continue. Eating has never been harder. I eat around the guys when they eat but then when they’re away I throw it back up. I have never known a low this low before until now.

My bong has been my best friend. When I’m not high, I’m drunk and when I am not drunk, I’m high. Mike is starting to notice how much weed I’m going through. It’s only been a week and I’ve gone through so many weeds that usually would take like two weeks to go through took me in 5 days. Literally the only time I’m not high is before a show but after that, you bet your ass I’m lit. Mike and me lit one up for a bit before we both go our own ways. But honestly, I think I can out smoke him now. it takes a lot to get me to where I want to be. The mornings after suck ass but I deal with it with my good friend JD.

I am so glad this tour is ending tonight. There has never a time where I have wanted to go home so bad before. My bed is literally where I want to curl up and cease to exist to the world for a while, for maybe forever, I haven’t decided yet. As of this moment, I lay in my bunk watching as time around me slowly moved forward and I stayed in the past. Checking the time on my phone, it read 3:55 am. Oh joy I’ve stayed up again way to late knowing I had to be up early in order to go to one last interview for this tour at 8 am. Meaning we all have to get up at 5 which means in reality if I went to bed now I would have one hour of sleep. Deciding it would be of more use to start getting ready now, I pulled out a small pouch I had makeup in to hide the dark circles under my eyes. Using my phone’s flashlight for light, I put it all on underneath my eyes and watched, as I slowly looked more and more living and less dead. My hair was clean since I took a shower last night but it was a little bit not how I liked it so I quietly went to the bathroom and use my flashlight for light so I wouldn’t wake anyone up and straightened my hair.

Once I was done, I quietly crept back into my bunk making no noise. Checking my phone for the time, it was now 4:54. I had no clue how time went by that fast but I closed my eyes and passed out for all of 6 minutes. I woke up to Rian waking me saying, “Jack its 5:20 we need to go, are you ready?” I carefully rubbed my eyes and said, “yeah let me put on clothes first.” I then grabbed the clothes I had put out last night, in order to be more ready in the morning, and put them on quickly.


As I walked past Alex I heard him mumble under his breath, “we’re always waiting on you.” it was so low I know I wasn’t supposed to hear it but I did. It totally ruined my day. All 26 minutes of sleep I had felt like I had done nothing but stay awake. I grabbed a monster before following Rian off the bus to the car we were getting in to go to where ever the hell this interview was at. It slowly woke me up a little and in no time, I was bouncing off the walls. Zack said, “are you sure you only had one monster Jack?” I nodded and said, “Yes Zacky-boo. I slept a lot last night so I got more sleep so I can be more hyper Y’know?”

He shook his head at the nickname and replied, “alright but don’t drink too many of those, they’re really bad for you.” I nodded. Honestly, it being bad for me was the last thing on my mind at the moment. Some time later we arrived at the place, which I had no clue where we were. Wherever we were, the staff was really nice and accommodating. I had long finished my monster in the car and was now working on my third cup of regular coffee. Finally someone came in to the room they had put us in and told us, “Your interviewer will be here momentarily. Can I get you anything else?” I was about to raise my hand and ask for more coffee when Rian cut me off and said, “I swear Jack, if you drink anything more with caffeine this morning you will have a heart attack.” He then said to the lady, “can you get him a water please?”


I pouted and said in my head, “maybe that’s what I wanted.”

A short while later the lady came back with our interviewer and the interview began. The lady asked how tour was like, what we do on our off days, where do we hang out and stuff like that. Of course she did her typical who’s single and who’s taken question. What caught all of us off guard was when Alex said he was taken. She asked who and he said Lisa. Part of me died. I should have seen that coming but I let it kill me a little more. Of course I kept my grin plastered on my face and acted happy for Alex but in reality, that was the final blow to my crumbling hand of cards. It was time to fold.

She then asked me if I was taken and I answered that I was not; she then further asked (apparently people knew me and Vic were dating, which we wanted to keep private for quite a while but I guess not) me if I was actually gay and if I was interested/ seeing someone. The question its self offended me horribly but when I refused to answer, she got rude.

I ultimately said, “I do not see my self as straight or as Gay. I see myself as I love who I fall in love with. Their body does not matter to me; it’s their personality and why I fell for them in the first place. To answer if I was seeing anyone, I am not. If I am interested in someone, well that is purely my business and not yours. I guess you’ll find out in time however until then, I chose to not say anything.”

Rian patted me on the shoulder along with Zack, but Alex did nothing. I don’t know if I expected him to say something or at least acknowledge what I said but when he didn’t even blink, it started to really ruin my day. Eventually the interview finally came to an end and no one was as glad as me.


It was now almost eight and the guys were hungry. We went to some random restaurant and got breakfast. Of course I ordered something with the less amount of calories and ate slowly. It would be the only meal I actually had in three days and would keep down. I was full when I was half way done with my plate. I made it look like I was still eating but I ultimately spit the food back into a napkin and hit what I was doing. It helped a lot that no one was really focusing on me.

Finally someone asked the million-dollar question. Was Alex back with Lisa?

His answer probably was what killed me the most, drove a sword through my back into my heart. Talk about backstabbing. He told me he left her because she was being the one person who was making my recovery impossible with her constant reminders of that I was worthless. Rian asked for how long. I don’t know If anyone around me could hear it but I heard what was left of my beaten, bloody bruised heart shatter and break into a million pieces that could NEVER be put back together.

“Six days.” He said with an attitude of no big deal.

We slept together seven days ago. So the morning after he fucked me until I could barely walk, he got back with that bitch. I meant less than nothing to him. Suddenly the food I had eaten had been too heavy in my stomach. I wanted to throw up. I wanted him to see that he had droven me back to misery and a life of eating disorders but I couldn’t. Instead I put on a fake smile and said, “ As long as your happy, I’m happy.” as I shrugged and played off the tightness in my chest.

The drive back to the bus was long. I tried to sleep but my thoughts prevented it. By the time we got back to the venue, it was almost 10. Our meet and greet was at 2 since we had an acoustic set at 3. I was the first one in the bus so I immediately put on home alone and wrapped up in a massive blanket. By the time it got to the scene where Kevin had made it seem like there was a party going on, I was drifting away into much needed sleep.

Notes

Hey guysssss. what's up? how are my party people doing? i am good. busy but good! here is chapter 11! i've written ahead and all i can say is you are all in for a roller coaster. anyways, please please please review. tell me what you think! i have no idea if this is making sense anymore lol

have a good day guys (:
~Ash