"So what are your plans?" Alex's asks me. The rest of our holidays went by so quickly that we now enjoy our last day sitting on the deck, looking out to the ocean, smoking and talking.

I sigh. Alex is obsessed with my future, he constantly tells me I would have to do something with my life and find a goal to pursue. He is right though but I can't explain to him that I am just not ready for it. I don't know, but it feels like there is something that I would have to do before my future becomes clear to me.
"I don't have any plans yet." I answer truthfully.

"It's like all my worries they don't bother you." He says. " but it is only because I care about you, I want to see you happy doing the right thing"

"I am happy, the way things are at the moment. I don't want to change anything."

"What about us?" He says. I knew he would ask this sooner or later. But I decide to play ignorant. "What about us?" I ask back.

"Easy, I would like to make this official, but I don't know how you feel about it. Actually I don't even know how you feel about me." He looks at me pleading and my heart goes heavy.

"Alex, I adore you, I have loved every second we spent together. But this here was just Neverland and I was Wendy and you are my Peter Pan, but now we have to go back to the real world and live our own lives.
I don't wanna change anything because I don't know if I could be the girlfriend of a famous rock star, and sit around until you come back from tour only to see you leaving again after a couple of weeks. To be honest I don't think I could do that."

"So what do you suggest?" He asks, I know he is hurt but he still tries to be cool with it.

"Can't we just go on like that for a little while? Did you not enjoy this the way it was?" I hug him.

"I did enjoy it, in fact those were the best holidays I can remember, that's why I want to be with you, like all the time." He mumbles in my hair.

"You know yourself that this is impossible, you have to do what you love and go out there and commit to your music and the fans. And I am cool with that. See, you can't even tell me when we can see each other again but I am cool with that as well because I am not attached to you.
I love you enough to set you free. I don't need you to tell the world that I am your girlfriend because when we 're together I feel like yours." I kiss him. "Come on Baby it's late, we have to leave early tomorrow. Let's go to bed."

"You're tired?" Alex asks astonished.

"Not yet" I wink at him and pull him up the stairs.

.....

After Alex drops me off at home he has to leave for the airport immediately. My best friend and roommate Stephanie makes me tell her everything about my holidays and then she gets angry at me. "I don't believe it, he wanted to make you his girlfriend and you said no? Why, Easy? Tell me one good reason. I mean its Alex Gaskarth for Christ sake."

"You don't know what it is like, wherever you go you have to stand back and let the fans have a piece of him. They make you feel as if you don't deserve being with him. It's hard to explain but it just feels like he could never be truly yours." I tell her exasperated.

"You are right, I don't understand. But maybe you would just have to get used to this. We'll see. But I think you have been hanging out with these boys for too long anyway. How about we ask Mandy and Liz from upstairs and have an all girls night out?"

I hug her. "You are absolutely right, I luv ya Steph, who needs boys anyway. Let's go party."

We call the girls and they immediately agree, then we get ready, that means Steph gets us both ready, because as you know I am useless with make-up and styling.
We look great once she is finished and we call a taxi to get us to the club.

When the four of us enter the club, the music is pumping and I can see some of the guys already trying to make eye contact with Steph, let's see how long this will stay an all girls night. But I don't mind, I mean she is a gorgeous girl and I wish her all the fun in the world.

I on the other hand have a not so pleasant encounter this night.

I run into Ben Bruce when I go to the bar to get our drinks. He seems pretty drunk and sways around pushing my elbow and making me spill my glass.

"Hey, dude, watch out!" I yell at him.

He immediately turns around "You've got a fucking problem with me, or what?" He snarls before he recognises me. "Easy? I don't believe this. Is that really you?"

"Wow so much hate, Ben, what's up, what's with the shit mood?" I friendly punch his shoulder.

"You have no fucking idea what's going on" he slurs and hugs me while leaning his weight onto me.

"Let me get these drinks to our table and I will comeback and we can talk okay?" He only lazily waves his hand at this.

When I come back I take his hand and lead him outside where there is less noise and more fresh air. I have a bad feeling and I want to find out what he meant.

We sit down at the curb together and he leans into me.

"I am not saying it's your fault Easy, but he was so much better when you were still around. Even though you guys were constantly fighting. Now he is just slowly killing himself. He totally lost it."

"You are talking about Danny?" I ask although I already know.

Ben nods " The guys want to kick him out of the band, he doesn't leave his house and he is constantly drugged. He doesn't even talk to me anymore and I'm his best friend. It's a fucking nightmare." He hangs his head and runs his hands through his hair.

"Do you think I shall talk to him?" I ask.

"No, Easy, that's not gonna work he is even more unpredictable than he was on tour, you'd be in danger. No, no, that's not a good idea."

"Okay Ben I have to get back to my friends, but promise me we keep in touch and you call me if something happens" I get up dusting off my dress and reach out my hand to pull him up.

"Sometimes I think it was a fucking curse meeting you" He tells me and walks away.

Wow, thank you Ben for making my night!

I go back to party but of course I can't get his words out of my head. I look for him to talk again but I can't find him anywhere, so the night is pretty much a disaster for me. The girls enjoy themselves though and I don't tell them what happened. In the end I am the only one remotely sober and have to look after the rest to get them all home safe.

Notes