Actors
003
I watched Emily as she ate her cereal, a loud sigh leaving my mouth. Alex had found out that I was really Emily's mum last night but instead of just explaining everything to him, I didn't say a word I just snatched Emily off of him and went upstairs I silence. I wasn't ready to talk about it with him yesterday everything was so complicated, he properly thought that I was an awful mum for keeping my daughter hidden in the dark from everyone but it wasn't as simple as that.
I was only sixteen when I fell pregnant with Emily and that was only four months after I had signed my record contract and begun recording my first album, my career was only just beginning to take off a baby would have ruined that. My mum had told me that she's bring the baby up as her own so I could still have my career and to be honest that felt like the best idea because I wasn't ready to be a full time mum and I couldn't live in regret all my life because I wouldn't be able to live out my dreams. We told the record label and they agreed with us, they agreed that once the baby was born my mum should raise it, they sorted out the legal side of things so my mum ended up adopting Emily, it was for the best.
Emily grew up knowing that I was her mum she just thought that she had to live with her nanny all the time because I travelled so much but she also knew that she wasn't allowed to tell people that I was her mum even though we never told her why. As for Emily's father, he would never have been ready for a child, he was useless actually he was worse than that, nowadays he's into drugs and binge drinking Emily definitely didn't need to be around someone like that, not that I ever told him he had a daughter, I wanted Emily to have nothing to do with him.
I knew that I'd have to talk to Alex about it at some point but it was a difficult subject and it was definitely not something I enjoyed talking about, if I could I'd love for everyone to know that Emily was my child, I loved her to pieces and I don't regret her for a second she was my little princess, and even though I wasn't ready for her and my mum is bringing her up amazingly, I can't help but feel jealous sometimes that it's not me taking her to nursery everyday, reading her bedtime story's and tucking her in at night but I knew that it had been my decision and in the end it was the best decision for myself and for Emily, she needed stability in her life and that was something at this moment in time that I could not provide for her.
"So are we going to talk about yesterday?" A voice said interrupting my thoughts.
I spun round to face a half naked Alex, he'd obviously only just woken up even though it was nearly midday now. I had to admit he looked very attractive with no top on and some pyjama bottoms on. I looked over at Emily who had finished her cereal and was watching me and Alex. She could obviously not feel the awkwardness surrounding the room but I guess after all she was only three.
"I guess I have some explaining to do..." I stated.
"Yeah, just a bit."
I lifted Emily off of the kitchen stool telling her to go into the front room and play with her toys for a bit, which she happily agreed too.
I sat down on the now empty stool and begun to explain everything to Alex, about why people don't know I have a child and most importantly why he can't tell people.
"Uh when you ran off yesterday without talking to be I sort of rung Jack and told him but he was totally fucked so he properly doesn't remember anyway." Alex said.
"It's fine, I should properly tell Jack, Rian and Zack anyway or maybe you could? It's just something I don't like talking about, I hate the fact that people will judge me because I'm a bad mum." I said biting my lip in an attempt not to cry.
"You're not a bad mum, I've seen you with Emily you're amazing! They'll be able to see that too, I understand why you've done this and I don't judge you. Just make the most of the time you have with her, she's a good kid." Alex said.
I stood up and walked over to Alex wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my face in his chest. He's dealt with this a lot better than I had thought and I was thankful for that, I was worried that him finding out would wreck up our friendship but thankfully it doesn't seem to have.
I pulled away from Alex going into the front room, sitting down on the coach and calling Emily over and pulling her into my lap then loading up a game for us to play on my iPad, we always would play this drawing game together, she was a pretty intelligent child. Alex walked into the front room a smile lighting up on his face at the scene of me and Emily. I smiled back at him, pressing a kiss to the top of Emily's head, watching her leave this time was going to be tougher than usual.
*
I passed my mum Emily's bag giving Emily one last hug, I held my tears in not wanting to cry in front of her, seeing her go was getting tougher and tougher each time.
"You better not be going before saying goodbye too me!" Alex said jokingly picking Emily up and spinning her around. A smile crept onto my lips as i watched them. Emily's small hands wrapped tightly around Alex's neck.
Alex placed her back on the floor and Jack, Zack and Rian gave Emily hi-5's as goodbye's, Alex had explained everything to them so they now understood what was going on. Emily gave me a final hug before taking my mums hand and leaving. Alex shut the door behind them and pulled me into a hug. I guess he knew how hard it would be for me, there was never usually people here when they left so I could just try by myself but right now I was doing my best to not burst into tears in front of four guys since that'd be highly embarrassing.
"C'mon you'll see her again soon, have you finished packing tour we're leaving tomorrow!" Alex said brightly trying to lift the mood.
I pulled away from him a few inches, my arms still wrapped around his waist.
"Yeah I have finished packing but I know someone who hasn't!" I said turning around to face Jack.
Jack just laughed and rolled his eyes.
"I've nearly finished okay." Jack said.
"Liar, you only have one suitcase packed." I replied.
"Mate, I'll help ya." Rian said to Jack putting an arm round his shoulder.
"I took some photos yesterday I really want to show you before we leave." Zack said to me.
I nodded my head, letting go of Alex and following Zack upstairs into his bedroom as he got his camera out. Zack showed me through several pictures he had taken during his stay in London and I had to admit he was pretty talented, this was the one thing me and Zack really bond on the fact that we both loved photography, we loved to see the beauty in things that sometimes other people could not.
I grabbed the camera, this time turning it on Zack, not often did the camera get turned back onto the photographer. I snapped a few pictures, Zack pulling ridiculous poses in each one, his favourite being the pout before he decided that he'd had enough of his photo being taken. I handed him back his camera, before walking over to the door.
"I know you haven't finished packing either Zack!" I said walking out of the room.
I heard his laugh rumble deeply as I walked down the stairs, he'd obviously thought that he'd gotten away with it too.
I sat down on my sofa, swinging my legs up and stretching out, reaching out and picking up my book from the coffee table opening it up from its bookmarked page and getting absorbed into it again. This was going to be one of the last days of peace and quiet I got before the tour and I was going to savour it completely.
I was only sixteen when I fell pregnant with Emily and that was only four months after I had signed my record contract and begun recording my first album, my career was only just beginning to take off a baby would have ruined that. My mum had told me that she's bring the baby up as her own so I could still have my career and to be honest that felt like the best idea because I wasn't ready to be a full time mum and I couldn't live in regret all my life because I wouldn't be able to live out my dreams. We told the record label and they agreed with us, they agreed that once the baby was born my mum should raise it, they sorted out the legal side of things so my mum ended up adopting Emily, it was for the best.
Emily grew up knowing that I was her mum she just thought that she had to live with her nanny all the time because I travelled so much but she also knew that she wasn't allowed to tell people that I was her mum even though we never told her why. As for Emily's father, he would never have been ready for a child, he was useless actually he was worse than that, nowadays he's into drugs and binge drinking Emily definitely didn't need to be around someone like that, not that I ever told him he had a daughter, I wanted Emily to have nothing to do with him.
I knew that I'd have to talk to Alex about it at some point but it was a difficult subject and it was definitely not something I enjoyed talking about, if I could I'd love for everyone to know that Emily was my child, I loved her to pieces and I don't regret her for a second she was my little princess, and even though I wasn't ready for her and my mum is bringing her up amazingly, I can't help but feel jealous sometimes that it's not me taking her to nursery everyday, reading her bedtime story's and tucking her in at night but I knew that it had been my decision and in the end it was the best decision for myself and for Emily, she needed stability in her life and that was something at this moment in time that I could not provide for her.
"So are we going to talk about yesterday?" A voice said interrupting my thoughts.
I spun round to face a half naked Alex, he'd obviously only just woken up even though it was nearly midday now. I had to admit he looked very attractive with no top on and some pyjama bottoms on. I looked over at Emily who had finished her cereal and was watching me and Alex. She could obviously not feel the awkwardness surrounding the room but I guess after all she was only three.
"I guess I have some explaining to do..." I stated.
"Yeah, just a bit."
I lifted Emily off of the kitchen stool telling her to go into the front room and play with her toys for a bit, which she happily agreed too.
I sat down on the now empty stool and begun to explain everything to Alex, about why people don't know I have a child and most importantly why he can't tell people.
"Uh when you ran off yesterday without talking to be I sort of rung Jack and told him but he was totally fucked so he properly doesn't remember anyway." Alex said.
"It's fine, I should properly tell Jack, Rian and Zack anyway or maybe you could? It's just something I don't like talking about, I hate the fact that people will judge me because I'm a bad mum." I said biting my lip in an attempt not to cry.
"You're not a bad mum, I've seen you with Emily you're amazing! They'll be able to see that too, I understand why you've done this and I don't judge you. Just make the most of the time you have with her, she's a good kid." Alex said.
I stood up and walked over to Alex wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my face in his chest. He's dealt with this a lot better than I had thought and I was thankful for that, I was worried that him finding out would wreck up our friendship but thankfully it doesn't seem to have.
I pulled away from Alex going into the front room, sitting down on the coach and calling Emily over and pulling her into my lap then loading up a game for us to play on my iPad, we always would play this drawing game together, she was a pretty intelligent child. Alex walked into the front room a smile lighting up on his face at the scene of me and Emily. I smiled back at him, pressing a kiss to the top of Emily's head, watching her leave this time was going to be tougher than usual.
*
I passed my mum Emily's bag giving Emily one last hug, I held my tears in not wanting to cry in front of her, seeing her go was getting tougher and tougher each time.
"You better not be going before saying goodbye too me!" Alex said jokingly picking Emily up and spinning her around. A smile crept onto my lips as i watched them. Emily's small hands wrapped tightly around Alex's neck.
Alex placed her back on the floor and Jack, Zack and Rian gave Emily hi-5's as goodbye's, Alex had explained everything to them so they now understood what was going on. Emily gave me a final hug before taking my mums hand and leaving. Alex shut the door behind them and pulled me into a hug. I guess he knew how hard it would be for me, there was never usually people here when they left so I could just try by myself but right now I was doing my best to not burst into tears in front of four guys since that'd be highly embarrassing.
"C'mon you'll see her again soon, have you finished packing tour we're leaving tomorrow!" Alex said brightly trying to lift the mood.
I pulled away from him a few inches, my arms still wrapped around his waist.
"Yeah I have finished packing but I know someone who hasn't!" I said turning around to face Jack.
Jack just laughed and rolled his eyes.
"I've nearly finished okay." Jack said.
"Liar, you only have one suitcase packed." I replied.
"Mate, I'll help ya." Rian said to Jack putting an arm round his shoulder.
"I took some photos yesterday I really want to show you before we leave." Zack said to me.
I nodded my head, letting go of Alex and following Zack upstairs into his bedroom as he got his camera out. Zack showed me through several pictures he had taken during his stay in London and I had to admit he was pretty talented, this was the one thing me and Zack really bond on the fact that we both loved photography, we loved to see the beauty in things that sometimes other people could not.
I grabbed the camera, this time turning it on Zack, not often did the camera get turned back onto the photographer. I snapped a few pictures, Zack pulling ridiculous poses in each one, his favourite being the pout before he decided that he'd had enough of his photo being taken. I handed him back his camera, before walking over to the door.
"I know you haven't finished packing either Zack!" I said walking out of the room.
I heard his laugh rumble deeply as I walked down the stairs, he'd obviously thought that he'd gotten away with it too.
I sat down on my sofa, swinging my legs up and stretching out, reaching out and picking up my book from the coffee table opening it up from its bookmarked page and getting absorbed into it again. This was going to be one of the last days of peace and quiet I got before the tour and I was going to savour it completely.
thanks:))
4/3/13