Actors
004
It was the third week that I had been the supporting act for All Time Low's tour around England and it was going pretty good, their fans seemed to enjoy my music and what I did even though it was a bit of a different sound to the band's. Also I'd seen in the past few shows that not was there only banner's for All Time Low there was also now a few banner's for me that had some of my lyrics on or just my name which I thought was really sweet and made me melt a little inside.
I was due to go on stage in less than an hour and I still had to have my hair and makeup done, I had a small crew come with me on this tour Jason my hair and makeup guy, Gemma who was in charge of my wardrobe and Melissa who had to come with me since she was my manager. All Time Low's crew would set up before my performances for me, with the lighting, sound etc which was very helpful.
"Rae babe, c'mon we need to get your hair and makeup done otherwise you might give the crowd a fright." Jason joked.
I rolled my eyes at him, jumping up off of the sofa and sitting down on the chair in front of the mirror. Jason started to apply a thin line of eyeliner onto my eyelids flicking it at the ends then putting on a generous amount of mascara to my top lashes. He applied some concelar to a few of my spots not bothering with foundation because it was always too hot on stage so it made me melt, he applied some rosy, pink lipgloss to my lips then got started on my hair. Jason ran the straightners through my long hair and clipped my fringe back to one side, it was simple but effective.
"You look beautiful." Jason said admiring his work.
I felt my cheeks go hot, I wasn't that used to compliments and whenever I did get them it just felt like I was being lied to, but I wasn't going to be one of them people who whenever they got a compliment goes "no, I'm not" just because it then would seem like I'm begging for more compliments and attention when I wasn't even trying to.
I had already changed into a simple pair of grey skinny jeans, a white top and my doc's, for this tour I was allowed to dress more simply because I was only doing a twenty minute set but for my own tour I had like five costume changes or something like that which was ridiculous.
"Rae, how ya liking Liverpool?" Jack asked appearing behind me.
"It's good, the crowds out here have been awesome but I have been here before Jack y'know since I live in England." I replied.
"Yeah, ya know you don't really seem English you use a lot of American slang."
"That's called I watch too much American television, so in theroy it should be me asking you how do you like Liverpool?"
"I like it, we're going to Manchester tomorrow aren't we?"
I nodded my head, getting off of the seat and grabbing my phone that was laying on the sofa and logging onto twitter seeing a few tweets from people coming to the show tonight that they were looking forward to seeing me which made me smile. I sat back down on the sofa, playing on my phone waiting for time to pass by before I could go on stage.
Half an hour passed by quickly and I was being told it was time to go on stage.
"Good luck!" Alex called out coming over to give me a hug which I gladly returned.
Jack, Rian and Zack also called out good luck just as I stood onto the stage. I took a deep breath, I always got so nervous before going on stage, a billion thoughts running through my head all at once, terrified that I'd muck up and they'd hate me but once I was out there, singing or playing my guitar, that's where I felt most comfortable and that's where I had the most fun, I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.
I looked out at the very large crowd, blinking a few times and taking a deep breath before speaking.
"Hey, I'm Rae and this is a song called Unspoken." I said into the mic, taking a seat on the stool behind me.
The lyrics flew out of my mouth, the music fitting perfectly, as I sung I felt like I was the only person in the room, that I was completly alone and there was no one else in here with me, I prefered feeling like this during the performance because then I had less chance of freaking out and forgetting the words, fear overtaking me but that'd only happened once before. The song felt like it was over before it even began and was shortly filled with screams and cheers. I couldn't keep the smile off of my mouth.
I sung another four songs, my last two with my acoustic guitar, once I had finished singing loud cheers and screams echoed through the room, now it was time for my goodbye 'speech', I liked to change it up every place I went so it wasn't repeative and boring plus I wanted it to be a bit more special and relevant to the people who I was performing too.
"So, that was my last song and I hope you guys enjoyed it, you've been a great crowd and I've honestly had such a great time out here tonight! I'd like to thank you all for staying to watch me and not just turning up when All Time Low are on or putting your earphone's in during my performance haha. Enjoy the rest of your night, I know All Time Low definietly won't disappoint you and hopefully I'll see you guys soon bye!" I said waving before walking off of the stage.
Melissa handed me a bottle of water straight away, I cracked the seal open drinking thirstly until half the bottle was gone, I was always ridiculously thirsty after every show.
"You did really good!" Rian said walking over to me with a massive smile on my face.
"Really? Thankyou! I didn't know you were watching."
"I've watched every show you're really talented, Zack usually watches them with me too but he's having a 'pre show work out' Alex and Jack watch you quite a lot too, we all do. Don't think we haven't seen you watching ours every night!" Rian said.
"Yeah but you guys are like amazing, I can't believe I'd only ever heard a few songs by you a few months ago and now I now the lyrics to pratically every single one of your songs." I admitted.
"You bought our albums?!" Rian asked suprised.
"Yeah, every single one haha. This is really embarrasing, you're gonna think I'm like a massive fangirl or something now."
"As long as you don't take creepy pictures at night whilst I'm sleeping, it's all fine." Rian joked.
"I guess I should delete the photos I already have then..."
"Ha, ha very funny." Rian said sarcastically.
"I know I'm hillarious, I think sometimes I should be a comidein instead of a singer."
"I don't even know what you guys are talking about but Rae you totally just ruined whatever joke you were just saying." Alex said interupting.
"Go away Alex, no one asked for your opinion." I said poking my tounge out him childlishly.
"Tough shit, I gave it anyway." Alex retorted.
"Haven't you got a show to go and do or something?"
I watched Alex shake his head and walk over to the mirror spraying some hairspray into his hair and fixing it, then running his hand through it messily. A few minutes later it was their turn to go on stage and I watched them all have a group huddle before running onto the stage enthusiastically, how they had so much energy every single day I'll never know.
I went over to the makeup area and Jason took off all of my makeup, even though I could have easily done that myself he insisted because it was his 'job', I pulled my hair up into a high ponytail then went and got changed into some sweats, I didn't stay for All Time Low's set today because I was way too tired and I just wanted to get back to the tour bus, ring Emily and then sleep.
*
I woke up, breathing heavily, my clothes held tightly on me, soaked in sweat. I hadn't had that nightmare in so long it was horrible, whenever I had a nightmare it was always the same one, it was always the one memory from my past that no matter how hard I tried to forget about and move on from never left my mind, haunting me forever. It was the memory from when I was about eleven and I had a huge argument with my dad during one of his alcohol fulled rage's, I remember screaming that I hated him and that I wished he wasn't my dad then running upstairs and hiding in my room and when I came down hours later my mum told me that my dad had been in a car crash from the drink driving and had died, the last thing I had ever told him was that I hated him and I wished he wasn't my dad and then he was dead. I couldn't help but feeling like this was all my fault. In the nightmare I actually could see the crash, I saw him die, and before he dies he always whispers "this is your fault, you did this" and even though it's only a dream I can't help but shake the fact that its true. It felt like all my fault after all.
"Rae, are you okay!?" A worried voice said pulling back the curtain that hid my bunk for privacy.
It was Alex and he looked really worried, he climbed inside the bunk and sat down next to me pulling me into his arms, as I burried my face into his chest that's why I realised I was hysterically crying no wonder he looked worried. Alex kept whispering to me that'd everything would be okay and too shh, and he kept kissing the top of my head and rubbing my back which was very comforting.
"What's happened? What's wrong?" Alex asked quietly in an almost whisper.
"I just..I had a nightmare. It's really hard to explain but I don't think I'm ready to I'm sorry." I said my voice cracking.
"No, it's fine honey. Just tell me when you're ready okay? Do you have these nightmares a lot?"
I nodded my head, tears started to fall again freely down my face. I had feeling so weak and powerless, that's why I hated crying so much, I didn't like showing my emotions so fully and when I had these nightmares I was completly weak. Alex pulled my closer to him, this time laying down. I pressed my head onto his chest, holding him tight, not letting go.
I felt completly safe in Alex's arms and it had been a long, long time since I'd felt so safe in a boy's arms. This was when I started to realise that I did have feelings for Alex and not just on a friends basis anymore, I didn't know if it was just because of how supportive and kind he had been over me lately or if it was something else. I didn't know if I could tell him how I felt either because would that wreck our friendship up completly especially if he didn't feel the same way and after all this wasn't even meant to be a real relationship, maybe it was all quick to tell and I was rushing things. Maybe I should just keep my feelings to myself, in fact yes that was what I was going to do that's the best thing for everyone.
I shut my eyes, Alex was already lightly snoring and it'd only be minutes till I fell asleep too and since Alex was there I properly wouldn't have the nightmare again, which was a bonus. I took a last deep breath, before sleep finally overtook me.
I was due to go on stage in less than an hour and I still had to have my hair and makeup done, I had a small crew come with me on this tour Jason my hair and makeup guy, Gemma who was in charge of my wardrobe and Melissa who had to come with me since she was my manager. All Time Low's crew would set up before my performances for me, with the lighting, sound etc which was very helpful.
"Rae babe, c'mon we need to get your hair and makeup done otherwise you might give the crowd a fright." Jason joked.
I rolled my eyes at him, jumping up off of the sofa and sitting down on the chair in front of the mirror. Jason started to apply a thin line of eyeliner onto my eyelids flicking it at the ends then putting on a generous amount of mascara to my top lashes. He applied some concelar to a few of my spots not bothering with foundation because it was always too hot on stage so it made me melt, he applied some rosy, pink lipgloss to my lips then got started on my hair. Jason ran the straightners through my long hair and clipped my fringe back to one side, it was simple but effective.
"You look beautiful." Jason said admiring his work.
I felt my cheeks go hot, I wasn't that used to compliments and whenever I did get them it just felt like I was being lied to, but I wasn't going to be one of them people who whenever they got a compliment goes "no, I'm not" just because it then would seem like I'm begging for more compliments and attention when I wasn't even trying to.
I had already changed into a simple pair of grey skinny jeans, a white top and my doc's, for this tour I was allowed to dress more simply because I was only doing a twenty minute set but for my own tour I had like five costume changes or something like that which was ridiculous.
"Rae, how ya liking Liverpool?" Jack asked appearing behind me.
"It's good, the crowds out here have been awesome but I have been here before Jack y'know since I live in England." I replied.
"Yeah, ya know you don't really seem English you use a lot of American slang."
"That's called I watch too much American television, so in theroy it should be me asking you how do you like Liverpool?"
"I like it, we're going to Manchester tomorrow aren't we?"
I nodded my head, getting off of the seat and grabbing my phone that was laying on the sofa and logging onto twitter seeing a few tweets from people coming to the show tonight that they were looking forward to seeing me which made me smile. I sat back down on the sofa, playing on my phone waiting for time to pass by before I could go on stage.
Half an hour passed by quickly and I was being told it was time to go on stage.
"Good luck!" Alex called out coming over to give me a hug which I gladly returned.
Jack, Rian and Zack also called out good luck just as I stood onto the stage. I took a deep breath, I always got so nervous before going on stage, a billion thoughts running through my head all at once, terrified that I'd muck up and they'd hate me but once I was out there, singing or playing my guitar, that's where I felt most comfortable and that's where I had the most fun, I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.
I looked out at the very large crowd, blinking a few times and taking a deep breath before speaking.
"Hey, I'm Rae and this is a song called Unspoken." I said into the mic, taking a seat on the stool behind me.
The lyrics flew out of my mouth, the music fitting perfectly, as I sung I felt like I was the only person in the room, that I was completly alone and there was no one else in here with me, I prefered feeling like this during the performance because then I had less chance of freaking out and forgetting the words, fear overtaking me but that'd only happened once before. The song felt like it was over before it even began and was shortly filled with screams and cheers. I couldn't keep the smile off of my mouth.
I sung another four songs, my last two with my acoustic guitar, once I had finished singing loud cheers and screams echoed through the room, now it was time for my goodbye 'speech', I liked to change it up every place I went so it wasn't repeative and boring plus I wanted it to be a bit more special and relevant to the people who I was performing too.
"So, that was my last song and I hope you guys enjoyed it, you've been a great crowd and I've honestly had such a great time out here tonight! I'd like to thank you all for staying to watch me and not just turning up when All Time Low are on or putting your earphone's in during my performance haha. Enjoy the rest of your night, I know All Time Low definietly won't disappoint you and hopefully I'll see you guys soon bye!" I said waving before walking off of the stage.
Melissa handed me a bottle of water straight away, I cracked the seal open drinking thirstly until half the bottle was gone, I was always ridiculously thirsty after every show.
"You did really good!" Rian said walking over to me with a massive smile on my face.
"Really? Thankyou! I didn't know you were watching."
"I've watched every show you're really talented, Zack usually watches them with me too but he's having a 'pre show work out' Alex and Jack watch you quite a lot too, we all do. Don't think we haven't seen you watching ours every night!" Rian said.
"Yeah but you guys are like amazing, I can't believe I'd only ever heard a few songs by you a few months ago and now I now the lyrics to pratically every single one of your songs." I admitted.
"You bought our albums?!" Rian asked suprised.
"Yeah, every single one haha. This is really embarrasing, you're gonna think I'm like a massive fangirl or something now."
"As long as you don't take creepy pictures at night whilst I'm sleeping, it's all fine." Rian joked.
"I guess I should delete the photos I already have then..."
"Ha, ha very funny." Rian said sarcastically.
"I know I'm hillarious, I think sometimes I should be a comidein instead of a singer."
"I don't even know what you guys are talking about but Rae you totally just ruined whatever joke you were just saying." Alex said interupting.
"Go away Alex, no one asked for your opinion." I said poking my tounge out him childlishly.
"Tough shit, I gave it anyway." Alex retorted.
"Haven't you got a show to go and do or something?"
I watched Alex shake his head and walk over to the mirror spraying some hairspray into his hair and fixing it, then running his hand through it messily. A few minutes later it was their turn to go on stage and I watched them all have a group huddle before running onto the stage enthusiastically, how they had so much energy every single day I'll never know.
I went over to the makeup area and Jason took off all of my makeup, even though I could have easily done that myself he insisted because it was his 'job', I pulled my hair up into a high ponytail then went and got changed into some sweats, I didn't stay for All Time Low's set today because I was way too tired and I just wanted to get back to the tour bus, ring Emily and then sleep.
*
I woke up, breathing heavily, my clothes held tightly on me, soaked in sweat. I hadn't had that nightmare in so long it was horrible, whenever I had a nightmare it was always the same one, it was always the one memory from my past that no matter how hard I tried to forget about and move on from never left my mind, haunting me forever. It was the memory from when I was about eleven and I had a huge argument with my dad during one of his alcohol fulled rage's, I remember screaming that I hated him and that I wished he wasn't my dad then running upstairs and hiding in my room and when I came down hours later my mum told me that my dad had been in a car crash from the drink driving and had died, the last thing I had ever told him was that I hated him and I wished he wasn't my dad and then he was dead. I couldn't help but feeling like this was all my fault. In the nightmare I actually could see the crash, I saw him die, and before he dies he always whispers "this is your fault, you did this" and even though it's only a dream I can't help but shake the fact that its true. It felt like all my fault after all.
"Rae, are you okay!?" A worried voice said pulling back the curtain that hid my bunk for privacy.
It was Alex and he looked really worried, he climbed inside the bunk and sat down next to me pulling me into his arms, as I burried my face into his chest that's why I realised I was hysterically crying no wonder he looked worried. Alex kept whispering to me that'd everything would be okay and too shh, and he kept kissing the top of my head and rubbing my back which was very comforting.
"What's happened? What's wrong?" Alex asked quietly in an almost whisper.
"I just..I had a nightmare. It's really hard to explain but I don't think I'm ready to I'm sorry." I said my voice cracking.
"No, it's fine honey. Just tell me when you're ready okay? Do you have these nightmares a lot?"
I nodded my head, tears started to fall again freely down my face. I had feeling so weak and powerless, that's why I hated crying so much, I didn't like showing my emotions so fully and when I had these nightmares I was completly weak. Alex pulled my closer to him, this time laying down. I pressed my head onto his chest, holding him tight, not letting go.
I felt completly safe in Alex's arms and it had been a long, long time since I'd felt so safe in a boy's arms. This was when I started to realise that I did have feelings for Alex and not just on a friends basis anymore, I didn't know if it was just because of how supportive and kind he had been over me lately or if it was something else. I didn't know if I could tell him how I felt either because would that wreck our friendship up completly especially if he didn't feel the same way and after all this wasn't even meant to be a real relationship, maybe it was all quick to tell and I was rushing things. Maybe I should just keep my feelings to myself, in fact yes that was what I was going to do that's the best thing for everyone.
I shut my eyes, Alex was already lightly snoring and it'd only be minutes till I fell asleep too and since Alex was there I properly wouldn't have the nightmare again, which was a bonus. I took a last deep breath, before sleep finally overtook me.
thanks:))
4/3/13