Our days dragged on in that cheap motel in the middle of nowhere, but nothing changed. I still couldn’t bear myself to look at Jessie, you continued to attempt to figure me out and Jack was still forcing himself to stay clean...well, he was trying to.
“Jack!” I shouted, walking into his room when I knew Jessie was out getting dinner at some Chinese restaurant. He looked exactly like you; sitting on the floor, leaned over a table with a dollar bill up his nostril and the white powder cut neatly in front of him. He turned his head slightly, just so he could see me out of the corner of his eye. I rushed over to him, not knowing whether I should feel angry or sad.
I reached out to snatch the dollar, but let my hands fall to my sides when I remembered who I was. And I wasn’t the one who interfered. I frowned and slowly kneeled down besides Jack, who went to snort another line, but stopped and sighed. He took the bill out of his nose and let it fall to the ground. I watched, wondering why he did so. “Don’t worry, I couldn’t even bring myself to do two lines,” He muttered, putting his hands in his lap and looking down like a child in trouble. I inched closer to him and let my head fall to his shoulder, his arm automatically curling around me.
“Why did you even try?” I asked softly. Jack rested his head on minemine and his guilt seemed to cloud the air around us, almost suffocating me.
“I just wanted it to go away,” He said, his voice cracking. I heard him whimper and I switched our positions so that his head rested on my collarbone. His tears stained my shirt, but the only thing that mattered right now was making Jack feel better again. I stroked his hair, kissing his forehead. I didn’t say anything, just held him while he sobbed his guilt. He snorted coke that day the same reason I bled the night before; to get rid of the feeling in our chests that reminded us what Jessie had done.
I have only seen Jack Barakat cry twice in my life. That day in his motel room as I sat on the floor with him, holding him. And when he looked in the mirror after that talk we had in his room when he asked me if I believed in demons. I held him then, too.

The only time I ever saw you cry, Alex, was the night before that day...and I can honestly say, I never hated myself more than that moment.

The night before

I dragged the razor blade across my skin, savoring the sweet burn and the way I could finally breathe. Every time someone asks me why I cut, I can never truly give them a full answer, because it’s different every time. Sometimes it’s because I want to punish myself. Other’s because I just need to feel something. This time, however was because I needed to bleed. I had to watch the ruby red misery pour out of my body; feel the warm liquid running down my wrist. I just had to.
Sitting on the bathroom floor bleeding wasn’t exactly new for me. But, it was new for you. When you opened the bathroom door knowing how long I’d been in there, I didn’t even try to hide what I had done. That’s the thing that surprised me. That I trusted you enough to let you see me at my weakest; holding a razor blade, watching myself bleed.

I saw the panic in your eyes as you stood in the doorway, watching me in shock. It took you a minute to move, and when you did, you grabbed a towel hastily off the rack, you kneeled down next to me and grabbed my wrist. You held the towel to it, trying to stop the bleeding. The minute I noticed the tear on your cheek, I took on a whole new loathe for myself.

We sat, you holding the towel to my wrist, me trying to avoid your wet eyes. “I’m sorry,” I said, finally letting myself cry. “I’m so fucking sorry.” You held me tight against you.

“Promise me, Han, fucking promise me,” You said with a raspy voice. I pulled away and looked into your deep brown eyes, one of the only things in this world that can make me feel okay. I was thankful you stopped crying, because every bit of self-worth I managed to build would’ve been torn down in a matter of seconds.

I turned the idea around in my mind, until I finally realized the solid truth. The truth I’d been terrified of. I’d fallen in love with you, Alex. And I was willing to make any promise I could for you.

“I promise.”

Notes

Sorry for not updating ._.