I never dream. So, you can only imagine how I felt when I shot up in bed one night, drenched in sweat with the lingering scenes of my nightmare clouding my mind. I looked around frantically, noticing I was in my motel room with you sleeping like a baby next to me. After a while, my breathing went back to normal and I quietly got out of bed, careful to not wake you.
I tip-toed to the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I splashed cold water on my face but I still couldn’t stop shaking. My eyes traveled to the shiny metal in the corner of my eye. I reached for the razor, but stopped myself. I stared at it longingly, repeating to myself that I promised you and I love you, therefore I won’t break that promise. But, dear god, I needed it. “You promised him,” I whispered fiercely to my reflection, feeling the usual disgust of looking at myself bubble up in my chest. “But I need it,” I answered myself. I quickly shut up, realizing I was talking to myself. I gave the razor one last wistful glance and walked out of the bathroom and out of the motel door.
I sat on the ground, picking at the fresh green grass. Now, you’re probably wondering why I didn’t go back to bed or just stayed in the room. Well, Alex, I’ll try to explain it the best I can.
Have you ever felt like the walls around you were suffocating you? Have you ever felt like you were drowning? That’s how I feel all the time. I just couldn’t stay in that room for another second. I needed to breathe. Still, sitting outside on the ground, I felt as if I was being choked to death; but it was the closest I could get to escaping the choke hold I’m constantly in.
“Couldn’t sleep?” I heard a voice say from behind me. I recognized the voice immediately, which is why I didn’t turn around or respond. “You know, you have to talk to me sometime,” Jessie said sitting next to me. I kept my eyes on the ground and my face blank.
“I don’t want to talk to you at the moment,” I responded, emotionless.
“Hannah, I just wanted to make you-” She began. I stood up as fast as I could and glared at her.
“If you really wanted to make me fucking proud, you would’ve done something else,” I growled. “Instead, you disgust me.” I walked back into our room with Jessie calling my name behind me. I leaned against the door once I was inside and let myself sob quietly. I slid down onto the floor and pulled my knees up to my chest.
That was something I was very good at, Alex. Crying so quietly so nobody even notices. I had a lot of practice from those mid-class panic attacks at school where I would lock myself in a bathroom stall and scratch my wrist until it bled.
Writing this letter, Alex, I fully realize how depressing my life really is. But, you wanted the truth. This is the truth. This is everything you need to finally finish the puzzle of me. Everything that I should’ve told you. And I’m truly sorry for not telling you all of this when I should have, but better late than never...right?

Notes

I fucking hated writing this and I have no idea why xD