Canada wasn’t what I expected. It was pretty, and there weren’t moose everywhere. The car ride was long and silent, but I liked it. I sat in the back with you, while Jack drove and Jessie sat in front. When we actually arrived at the motel, I was still as vacant as I was before. You and I shared a room, and Jessie and Jack shared one, also. You tried to talk to me, but I was too shocked to even reply. I’m sorry, Lex. Those days were the worst for me.

After about an hour of you trying to start a conversation with me, I finally found my voice.

“Hey, baby,” You whispered sweetly.

“Hi,” I said in a small voice.

“How you feelin?”

“Numb,” I replied honestly. You frowned and I could almost see the gears turning in your brain, trying to think up the perfect thing to say to calm me down. You couldn’t, Lex. No matter how hard you tried, I was numb and you couldn’t fix that, no matter how much you wanted to.

I couldn’t look at Jessie the same after that night. Everytime I forced myself to meet her hazel eyes, the only thing I saw was Eliza. I thought I had lost the girl I grew up with when she killed the bird, but no, this Jessie wasn’t even a memory. She was a stranger I could’ve sworn I had seen before. And, honestly, I think that’s what killed me the most during this lovely journey of ours.

About an hour later, I told you that I wanted fresh air and that I was going to go outside for a bit. I sat on the ground, looking at the stars. I tried to imagine another world, another life where I’m normal. Where we’re normal. But this is the real world. Hello, my name is Hannah Kirk, I’m insane, and you are?

Well, I just wish things could be normal for a day. A day where I didn’t have to worry about my best friend hearing voices that tell her to kill everyone. A day where I don’t have this constant weight on my chest. A day where you and I are a normal teenage couple, Alex. I just want one day. One day.

I was so caught up in my thoughts, I didn’t notice someone sit beside me. I looked at the person from behind my bangs and sighed in relief that it was Jack. “Pretty, huh?” He said, gesturing to the sky. I nodded, feeling safe in his presence.

“I like the sky,” I muttered more to myself than Jack. He inched over to me, and put his arm around my shoulders. I flinched at the contact. Jack should’ve known better, after all, he knew better all those times before that I hated to be touched when I was shaken up.

So many things terrify me in this world we live in. The people. The disease. The hate. But, what scares me the most is how Jack knew me like the back of his hand when I didn’t even know me. It took you awhile, Lex, but soon you knew too. I think that’s the biggest thing we have in common; we observe the things we don’t understand until we do. But you figured me out, my dear. You learned that I hate looking in the mirror, but I can’t seem to stop. How my mind is always on overdrive with a mix of thoughts caught between my mind and my actions. You learned how I can rarely sleep a healthy amount. All of those little things about me, you saw and kept them locked in your mind so you would have those little pieces of the puzzle when the time came to put it all together.

That’s what this letter is. Putting those pieces together. Finally finishing the puzzle you’ve been working on since that night in the bathroom at Brent Smith’s house.

Jack and I sat like that in silence, looking at the sky occupied by our own thoughts. “Jack..?” I said in a small voice, finally tearing my gaze from the lights in the sky. He looked at me to show he was listening, his hazel eyes shining. “How do you feel about all this?” I asked that question because I envied the way he could so easily hide his emotions. I envied him in general.

He shrugged, returning his eyes back to the sky. “She’s still my sister, but I just...I never thought....” He let his sentence trail off. But, that was okay. Because he knew I knew exactly what he meant. “I have to protect her.” I hesitated, another question coming to mind that I’d been dying to ask since I was 13.

“Jack...can I ask you something else?” The words came out in the scared voice of a little girl who was terrified of the answer.

“Of course,” He replied. I choked on the words a few times before I finally got them out.

“Do you still believe in demons?”

Jack’s head slowly turned towards me, reading me like a book. I watched the way his eyes scanned my face with the same blank expression he had since we started our drive to Canada. “Do you want the truth or a lie?” He replied. I gulped, swallowing my fear.

“Truth...” I whispered, keeping my eyes locked on his. I let my hand find his, letting him know that no matter what I would always be there for him. He gripped onto my fingers like they were his life-line.

“Yes,” He replied. That one word, though spoken in a soft voice, held so much. Fear, anger, anxiety, shame, trust. Trust in me to understand.

And I did.

Notes

Yep, this is how I spend my weekeneds. Writing and listening to My Chemical Romance. Yep.