A Daydream Away

Jack’s POV

12am.
My thoughts were filled with him. His scent. The way he smiles when hes figured something out that challenged him. His stupid habits, like how he always set things at a 90 degree angle. The way his hair looked while he was blow drying it. The way he tapped his desk to whatever song was inside his perfect little head while he was taking notes in history. The way he never failed to make me smile. Him. Him. Him.
I cursed myself for being so damn stupid. How could I have let myself pick anything but him? How could I have let myself be so selfish? I used protecting him as an excuse. I knew that I could defend him whether I was Max’s friend or not. I knew he should be in my arms.
I never prayed. I wasn’t religious. But tonight, oh how I prayed. I prayed he’d be stupid and forgive me for all the pain I’ve caused him and all the shit I made him go through.
He might have not even liked me. I didn’t know. But I knew I was head over heels for him. I couldn’t be without him, even if he was just my friend. I craved his touch on my skin and his words in my ears. No, I didn’t just crave it, I needed it.

1am.
I hated crying more than anything. The last time I had cried was when I fell out of a tree in 8th grade, and even then I did my best to hide it. But now, I was sitting on my bedroom floor, crying over a boy who didn’t even love me. It wasn’t even his fault. I fucked everything up, and he hadn’t done anything wrong.
Tears leaked out of my eyes as I held back sobs, trying not to wake anyone in my house. One argument was all I needed for today.
You know that type of crying where it’s like you just can’t stop? Like your whole body convulses and your spin tingles and your throat is raw and you want to scream but you can’t because you’re too busy hyperventilating? That’s how I was.
My soul was crying. My brain was crying. My heart was crying. And it was all my fault.
My head was pounding and I was all alone. I had no friends. My parents were just putting up with me. And the love of my life… he hated me.
You truly realize how alone you are when you need someone there to tell you that you aren’t alone… and being alone is the scariest thing out there. You’re left to destroy yourself, inside out.
I was so sick of being alone.

2am
‘My dearest Alexander’
Erase.
‘Dear Alex,
How do I begin to describe the feelings I have for you?’
Erase.
‘Alex,
I’m not sure exactly how to say this but I think I’m in love with you’
Erase.
‘I love you, and I am so sorry’
“No!” I whispered, tearing the eraser marked paper in front of me. I couldn’t pool my thoughts and find the words to put down on this stupid sheet of paper. How on earth did people do this? How did Alex manage to write down everything so perfectly so it made sense? How did poets and great writers jot down such beautiful things?
My mind was filled to the brim with beautiful things. All I saw was Alex. His eyes and his nose and his lips and his smile and his hands and his torso. Only him. He was the most beautiful thing in the entire world, yet I couldn't even get one little speck of his beauty on paper. Maybe that was for the best. There are things too beautiful for even paper to hold onto.

4am
I had picked up my phone and dialed the familiar number so many times that my fingers hurt. Each time I deleted the typed number on the key pad, and paced the floor of my room until I had worked up enough courage to type the number again. As soon as the last number was pressed and my finger hovered over the dial button, I backed out… and the process started over again.
Even if I did call, I knew he wouldn’t answer. I’d be sent to voicemail, and then what the hell did I say? There was nothing I could say. Nothing at all.

5am
My dreams were filled with him, but not in the way I was used to. He never smiled or touched me. He only looked at me with malice. Max was there, chasing me down, screaming at me, and trying to skin me alive. He shouted my past mistakes at me, and I screamed at him to stop. He finally gave up on me and went straight for Alex.
I screamed at him to run, to move, to kick him, to do anything, but all he did was stare at me with his gorgeous eyes. I tried to run at them so I could protect him, but with every step I took, they just moved farther away.
Finally, I was too late. Max got to Alex and was throwing punches and kicks left and right, never showing any mercy.
Alex never made one noise. I saw tears spilling out of his eyes as pain was thrust upon him, and soon fell to his knees in agony.
He never once took his eyes from mine, as if making sure I knew that this was all my fault.
He didn’t have to remind me, the thought was stuck in my brain on repeat.

6am
‘How do you apologize to someone who cringes at the sound of your name?
How do you manage to move when the one you love doesn’t want to hear your heart beat?
How do you breathe when every gasp you let it makes your only happiness want to break down in tears?
How do you smile when the only reason you have left doesn’t want to see your face again?
How do you possibly describe someone on paper, when your eyes cannot
even value all of their beauty at once?
You do not.
You do not.’

Notes