“Ma’am?”

Janie looked up to the intruder that the voice belonged to. Staring down at her with concerned eyes and a sad smile was on an older nurse dressed in bright yellow scrubs. The nurse had seen many women in the same stature that Janie was currently in too many times before. They all shared that same defeated look, that same look in their eyes the one where they appeared lost and hollow like the life had been drained out of them.
Janie looked at her with those large, empty eyes wondering why this woman was breaking in through the silence that Janie was searching for. The nurse gently pulled Janie to her feet and smiled.

“Come on, dear” The old voice called.

Janie followed without hesitation or question, something about the nurse made Janie trust her. After a short elevator ride and a few winding halls, and a couple right turns they entered what Janie assumed to be the cafeteria. She followed the woman in yellow to the short, almost non-existent line before Janie finally spoke up.

“I, uhhh, I don’t have money on me” Janie bashfully revealed.

“Don’t you worry about it.”

“….but…”

“No, no. Now you get up there and choose what you’d like. Go on” The woman ushered.

Janie picked out a bagel, an apple and a bottle of water. It wasn’t much but she had been meaning to start eating better, and truth be told she didn’t have much of an appetite due to the circumstances. She picked up the small tray and looked around the room, she spotted a lone table in the back corner of the room and instantly felt as if she were in high school again as she made her way to it. However, she never did make it to the table because the nurse grabbed her arm and pulled her into the hallway.

“Come on, we’re going to the courtyard”

“Oh” Janie responded lamely.

She once again found herself blindly following the stranger until they reached the courtyard where a small wooden table was surrounded by tons of colorful flowers and a small koi pond. It was beautiful to say the least and in the simplicity of it all Janie couldn’t help but smile as she sat at the table.

“So, tell me about yourself” The old woman kindly smiled

“Ummm, I don’t even know your name ma’am.”

“Oh, well I am so sorry dear. I didn’t mean to be so rude! My name is Mary Nesbit, I am the head nurse been working at this same hospital for twenty five years now” Mary proudly stated, her thick southern voice shining through and becoming more than evident. It was quite unexpected but the accent reminded Janie of North Carolina and it immediately made her feel comfortable around Mary.

“My name is Janie”

“And?” Mary pushed

“There isn’t really much to me really”

Mary’s old laughter filled the courtyard and caused Janie to choke on her bagel.

“Well honey, of course there is. No one is that black and white.”

“It’d be easier if they were” Janie retorted before she could stop the words from blurting out
of her mouth.

“Why is that?” Mary asked curiously, surprising Janie that she was even interested in hearing what she had to say.

“Well, ummmm. It’s just that sometimes color can just mess everything up, it can get in the way and it ruins the perfectness by showing all of the flaws. It splatters the perfect, problem free canvas with drama and problems.” Janie felt her cheeks heating up, she never was good at explaining things and when she did it always left her feeling insecure and stupid.

“Where would the adventure and mystery be without the color? Where is the fun perfection?” Mary asked, intrigued by Janie’s bitter answer.

Janie had to resist the urge to roll her eyes as she listened to Mary’s seemingly naïve questions. For such an old woman she sure didn’t seem like she knew the difference between reality and dreaming.

“Look, it’s obvious that we aren’t going to agree on this. Life is just easier when it’s planned out and routine, the fun in perfection is that things don’t go wrong and they don’t leave you alone and hurt” Janie spat a little more rudely than she intended.

“Honey,” Mary reached across the table and grabbed Janie’s hands in that motherly way that Janie missed. “Have you always been this pessimistic?”

“No” Janie answered as she took another bite of her now browning apple. “I used to be just like you. So full of happiness and life, so optimistic and spontaneous”

“What changed?” Mary asked the pain in her own voice as if she were the one sitting on the other side of the table in Janie’s spot.

Janie felt the tears brim her eyes “Everything, everything changed.” She whispered, laying it all out on the table to a perfect stranger.

“Honey, life gives you obstacles and it leaves you blindsided. But those obstacles wouldn’t be put in your path if he didn’t think you could overcome them. Have a little faith. Now, I need to get back to work and I suggest you go home and get some sleep. I will make sure you are the first person they call if anything changes, honey.”

Janie nodded her head and bid farewell to the nurse before walking back into the hospital where she was surprised to find Rian and Jack waiting for her. Her brows scrunched in confusion as she approached them and she half expected them to yell at her.

“Hey…” she cautiously greeted the two men that she had considered as her own brothers.
Rian gave her a warm smile and pulled her into his arms but Jack just looked away and ignored her. Janie sighed but she couldn’t blame him. She silently walked with them to the exit of the hospital, Jack walking ahead of them in his best efforts to avoid. Reluctantly, she slid into the back seat of Rian’s car and sat directly behind Jack. The car ride was tense and silent aside from the static on the radio.

. Janie let out a quiet sigh of relief as they pulled up to the familiar house that she had abandoned not too long ago. She was quick to unbuckle her seatbelt, anxious to get out of the car that was beginning to feel much more like a prison cell, a prison cell of solitude and hate. As her hand reached for the handle, Rian finally spoke up.

“Jack is going to stay with you tonight; we don’t want you alone in the big house.”
It didn’t make any sense to Janie why Jack would be the one to stay with her when he couldn’t even bare to look at her but Janie nodded her head anyways; her eyes focused on the front door, she needed to be out of that car so badly.

“Okay, thanks for the ride” Janie said, finally opening the car door. She felt as if she could kiss the ground as if she really were a prisoner, stepping out with freedom for the first time in twenty years.

The anxiousness of being back in Baltimore returned to Janie’s body as she made the long walk from the driveway to the front door. Her hand shook as it twisted the unlocked door knob, entering a house that was the same as how she had left it. It was as if Alex had never been there, and if it weren’t for the small things like his keys being tossed on the table, or his coat on the chair; Janie would have believed that he never did come home. She walked over to the refrigerator, grabbing the milk she popped the lid off bringing the jug to her nose she sniffed the liquid, a harsh, foul smell filling her nostrils as she did so. She put the lid back on and placed the almost full jug on the counter. That’s how Janie spent her first couple of hour’s home, simply raiding the kitchen and throwing out old food but eventually she ran out of things to throw away, leaving her to wonder to another room.

She sat in the living room, the oversized red seat swallowing her but she didn’t mind. She sat with her head lying on the arm of the chair, her eyes closed as she willed the silence of her thoughts away. Janie opened her eyes, a few silent tears streaming down her cheeks as she did so. She wiped the tears from her face, angrily. She was frustrated with herself, with life in general and she was tired of crying. It never solved anything anyways but it was like her body didn’t care because it kept going on its merrily little way producing tears during every possible second of the day.

She had forgotten that Rian and Jack were in the house with her until one of them let out a hesitant cough to get her attention. “Hey” Janie said her eyes flickering from Rian to Jack who stood awkwardly to the side of the room. She could tell he didn’t want to be there and she didn’t blame him. Heck, she didn’t even want to be around herself so she definitely didn’t expect anyone else to, especially Jack. She had basically taken his best friend away from him.

“Jack…” Janie croaked not knowing how to take it all back. Jack stared at her with empty eyes and turned his back to find a room to stay in leaving Janie and Rian in the living room to talk.

“Rian, just take him home. He doesn’t want to be here and I’ll be fine alone, I can see it in his eyes…he hates me right now” Janie whispered, not trusting herself to talk any louder without breaking.

“He doesn’t hate you Jay” Rian retorted, but he was the worst liar out of everyone.
“You all do, it’s okay Rian. I hate myself too. I just wish someone would man up and say it to my face” Janie said, not bothering to wipe the tears away this time as they rolled quickly, one after another down her face.

“Janie Paige Gaskarth, you listen to me, yes we may be upset, confused, and hurt… but we could never hate you. Do you understand me? I’ve known you too long to hate you. And Jack, he’s just lost right now. His best friend who is basically his brother is in the hospital. He doesn’t understand any of this but I promise he doesn’t hate you.” Rian said sternly, pulling Janie into him and kissing the top of her head. He knew that this was hard for the everyone and he knew Janie was blaming herself and nothing he said would change that but he knew he had to be there for her because just like him, and Jack, Zack and the Gaskarth’s, Janie needed someone too.

Janie sucked in a breath and nodded her head.

“Okay, well I have to head out but don’t hesitate to call me if you need anything at all, Jay” Rian said, grabbing the keys from his pocket and offering one sad smile before he retreated to the kitchen to have a word with Jack. It wasn’t long before Janie heard the front door close, Rian’s car pull out of the driveway and then finally Jack appeared in front of her. His big innocent eyes, filled with hurt and sadness gazed down at Janie as if he was searching her eyes for something. Janie was taken by surprise when he wrapped his arms around her neck. No words were spoken nor were they needed as Janie wrapped her arms around his body, led him to the couch and pulled him onto her lap. She felt his tears seep through her thin sweater, she began rocking him back and forth, her one hand rubbing calming circles on his back the other cradling his head into her neck.

Soon enough his breathing evened out as he drifted off to sleep, still in Janie’s arms. She carefully moved out from underneath him, draped a blanket over his body and kissed his forehead, but even in his sleep she could see the hurt on his face. A hole was ripping through Janie’s heart at this, Jack was too innocent to be experiencing all this hurt and there wasn’t much she could do to change it because she caused it all.

Turning away from the sleeping boy, Janie left the room in pursuit of the one place that Alex always went when he needed peace. Janie just prayed that his safe haven would bring her the same calmness that it had always brought him. Her cold, frail fingers pushed the door to the music room open, at first glance all appeared as it should be and Janie felt relieved, the essence of Alex surrounding her as she stepped into the room. But it was all too good to be true when reached the stool in the middle of the room, the single sheet of paper finally catching her eye. She stared at it for a while, not daring to touch it, not wanting to read it, scared of what it might say. The anxiousness took over her body though, forcing her to pick the paper up. Her breath hitched as the lyrics stabbed at her heart like a knife, an old rusty knife. Her hands began to shake as she read the last sentence, Alex’s last words.
I love you, I always have and I’m sorry I hurt you. I never meant to hurt you-Alex-

The paper fell from her hands and her body hunched over, she began hyperventilating, her breaths coming out short and choppy. She closed her eyes picturing his face, his smile so soft and genuine. His eyes always warm, happy, and caring. His body, the way it held her making her feel safe. The way her head fit perfectly in the crook of his neck, and that’s when it clicked that Alex was always going to be her safe haven.

Janie sat on the edge of the firm bed with the divorce papers shaking in her trembling hands. Her bottom lip was tucked securely between her teeth as she sat in thought and concentration, constantly asking herself “Is this what I really want?” She could think of so many reasons to not trust Alex, so many reasons to leave him but to every con she could list it always came back down to one thing. She needed him. She was brought out of her endless merry-go-round of thoughts when Jack entered her room with a rather large bowl of soggy lucky charms.

“Oh, I didn’t know you were up….” Janie stated taking the cereal filled bowl from Jacks hands. She took a bite of the milk soaked bits just to humor him before setting the bowl on the floor next to her cold feet.

“You look like crap” Jack bluntly noted from his place in front of her. That was something Janie had always loved and admired about Jack, no matter what he was going to say what was on his mind whether you wanted to hear it or not. He gave you the honest to God truth when no one else would dare to. But still, she choose to ignore his comment and tried to chuckle as light hearted as she could but it still came out strained.

“How did you sleep? Have you eaten yet cause if you want-“

“I slept fine and I had cereal already”

“I…ummmm okay” Janie nervously played with her fingers, afraid to look Jack in eyes. The tension in the air seemed to only manifest as neither Janie nor Jack knew what to make of each other. An audible sigh of relief could be heard from the both of them when the silence was broken by the jarring sound of the house phone ringing. Janie stood up and ran to the hallway where the phone was, with shaking hands she nervously pulled the phone off the hook and lifted it to her ear.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Gaskarth, please." The familiar voice on the other side of the phone requested

"Speaking" Janie rushed out anxious to know what the phone call was about

"Oh! Janie, dear, this is Mary Nesbit we spoke yesterday and I promised to call you if there were any changes-"

"Yes!" Janie but her off in a plea for Mary to get to the point

"Janie, Alex is awake" Janie dropped the phone, not even bothering to put it back on the hook and rushed through the house to find Jack, without warning she grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the house.
"Janie what's going on?" Jack finally questioned as Janie rummaged through her back trying to locate the spare key she had for Alex's car. Janie ignored his question though, too much adrenaline coursing through her viens for her to make sense of what was happening around her. Even without an answer, Jack slid into the passenger seat of the car.

Throughout the drive to the hospital Jack threw worried glances at Janie. Her posture was tense and her knuckles white from how tightly her hands were wrapped around the steering wheel, she had been biting her lip so hard that it had begun to bleed. It did nothing but tie up the nerves in Jacks body, he had never seen Janie so out of her element before. Usually she was the most calm and rational of the group but now he had somehow taken on that role. He reached his hand over the console and patted her thigh in an effort to soothe her. He had begun to feel guilty about the way he treated her, he knew that what happened wasn't really her fault but Alex was his best friend and he needed someone to blame.

Notes

Kinda fillerish but I felt like this was important to add.
<3 Katy