No Idea
Don't Let Go
“We’re all glad you came” Isobel spoke through her tears.
Janie nodded her head, pulling away from the motherly embrace that even she had perfected herself.
“I…he…what…how is he?” Janie asked, too many questions running through her mind.
“I think it’d be best if we talk in the car”
“Okay” Janie whispered. She grabbed her bags from the ground and deep in her heart she knew that Isobel was blaming her. She understood why though and she didn’t blame her, considering she was blaming herself too.
The first half hour of the car ride was mostly silent, neither one of the women knowing how to start the conversation or how to approach such a hard subject. Eventually though, Janie found the strength to ask her questions. With a sharp intake of air, she started the inevitable conversation.
“I heard it on the news…the one who jumped from the bridge…It was him wasn’t it?” Janie asked.
A loud sob from Isobel answered her question. Indeed, it was Alex.
Janie rapidly blinked her eyes, looking up, trying to hold herself together.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry” Janie finally cracked.
“I-Is h-he…” She couldn’t even bring herself to say such a small word, a small word that meant so much in this situation.
“No, he’s in intensive care they’re trying to stabilize him but he goes in and out. Janie, I, we all need to know why. Why would he do this? What happened?” Isobel cried her shaking hands hardly able to hold the steering wheel.
“I wanted a divorce” Janie whispered, guilty, ashamed even.
Janie stared out the window, enduring the agonizing silence for the rest of the car ride. She knew Isobel would never say it out loud but Janie almost wished she would. She wished that for both of their sakes Isobel would yell at Janie, tell her how much she despised her, tell how that she was disappointed in her, that she couldn’t stand to see her face, slap her …anything would have been better than the silence that ironically seemed too loud. Too loud with unspoken words and thoughts, too loud with all that needed to be said, and too loud with everything that was left unsaid. Janie let out a quiet sigh of relief as they pulled up hospital. She was quick to unbuckle her seatbelt, anxious to get out of the car that was beginning to feel much more like a prison cell, a prison cell of solitude and hate.
She rushed to the receptionists desk as fast as her legs would carry her, Isobel following behind her but unable to keep up with her pace.
“Oh hello darling, how may I assist you?” The woman’s chipper voice filled the space as she put on her glasses to look up at Janie.
“Yes, I need the room for Alex Gaskarth ” Janie replied, waiting as the woman searched the database.
“Ah yes, here we are. Alex Gaskarth ICU 324. Just take the elevator to the third floor and it’s the room on the third right” the lady instructed.
As the doors opened for the second time it was as if suddenly life was in slow as Janie saw her husband for the first time. He lied lifelessly on the white hospital bed, his skin pale, his curls flattened and a million machines hooked up to him. A shaky hand rose to cover her open mouth. She had done this. She had caused this. It was her fault.
But those thoughts didn’t stop her from entering the sterilized room and making her way towards Alex. She placed a warm hand on his cold face, her fingers delicately tracing his jaw before her fingertips gently smoothed across his lips. His all too familiar lips, the lips that she suddenly longed to kiss and so she did; she placed a small yet lingering kiss on his dry, cracked lips almost praying that maybe it would be like one of her childhood fairy tales and he would wake up and suddenly everything would be okay. But of course, that didn't happen. So instead she pulled away and fell into the hard chair that was pulled up next to his bed, she firmly held his hand in her own. Intertwining their fingers, she smiled seeing that they still fit together perfectly.
“Alex” She whispered; bringing his hand to her lips.
“I need you baby.” She kissed his cold hand, but this wasn’t a movie. Alex didn’t respond with a sudden squeeze to signal he had heard her. No. She got nothing of the sort, but that was okay because she knew she was right where she belonged.
Janie sat by Alex’s side as the day drug on, various nurses and doctors coming in by the hour to check up on Alex’s condition. It didn’t take long for Janie to learn to not make eye contact with anyone that entered the room; they all gave her that same sad, sympathetic and downright pitiful look. It was the same look her parents used to give her before they broke the news that one of the horses was sick or dying. She couldn’t stand that look especially when that same very look involved Alex, Janie couldn’t even begin to imagine a world where Alex didn’t exist. Heck, even when she had decided that getting a divorce was the only thing she could do, the only option she had, it was still hard for her to picture a life without him.
“Janie?”
She looked up from Alex’s face, her eyes landing on Isobel who was stood in the doorway.
“Yes?” She asked, clearing her throat which only made it tighten even more.
“We’re all headed home, are you coming dear?” Isobel asked. Janie could tell that she was trying so hard to not breakdown, she was trying so hard to be strong and she was trying even harder to not look down on Janie.
Janie shook her head, “No, you guys go ahead” she answered but Isobel was already walking out by the time Janie had said no.
She let go of Alex’s hand and began rubbing her temples “When did things get so hard?” Janie whispered to herself. It wasn’t long before the sun began to set and Janie’s lack of sleep made her eyes grow tired.
She carefully climbed onto the bed, scooting as close to Alex as she possibly could without hurting him. She laid her head on the thin pillow next to Alex’s and her left hand once again became intertwined with his as her right hand was gingerly placed on Alex’s cheek, her fingers memorizing his soft skin and her lips lingered on his neck.
“Please don’t give up baby” Janie whispered, kissing the same spot again. She felt the tears roll down her face, leaving the salty residue on her lips but she didn’t bother wiping them away.
“They say you can hear me…but I don’t know if that’s true. I do know though that your soul…it can hear me. Alex, I am so sorry. I’m sorry I said all of those horrible things….I didn’t mean any of them. I- I love you and I’m sorry. I promised you forever and always, not forever and almost always. I love you so so so much, and I need you. I can’t do this alone baby. Our little girl she needs you, and I need you and your family needs you. We need you, Lex. Please Alex, please wake up. I need you” Janie cried and before she could comprehend what was happening, Alex’s body convulsed off of the bed before falling back down. His heart flat lined, and Janie was being pulled out of the room as a group of doctors rushed towards Alex, all screaming words that Janie couldn’t understand.
She collapsed to her knees once the nurses let go of her, her body shook as sobs ripped through her. She couldn’t think straight and she couldn’t see, she could hardly breathe and Janie blamed God. He was doing this to her, to him, he was controlling their lives and he was teasing her with Alex’s life. She couldn’t help but feel like she was being punished by God for almost giving up on Alex. Janie thought she knew what love was, but all of this was showing her that she had never known what it meant to love someone, and she never knew how much Alex truly meant to her until she was being threatened of having him taken away from her forever, and that was something that Janie wasn’t ready for at all.
Janie nodded her head, pulling away from the motherly embrace that even she had perfected herself.
“I…he…what…how is he?” Janie asked, too many questions running through her mind.
“I think it’d be best if we talk in the car”
“Okay” Janie whispered. She grabbed her bags from the ground and deep in her heart she knew that Isobel was blaming her. She understood why though and she didn’t blame her, considering she was blaming herself too.
The first half hour of the car ride was mostly silent, neither one of the women knowing how to start the conversation or how to approach such a hard subject. Eventually though, Janie found the strength to ask her questions. With a sharp intake of air, she started the inevitable conversation.
“I heard it on the news…the one who jumped from the bridge…It was him wasn’t it?” Janie asked.
A loud sob from Isobel answered her question. Indeed, it was Alex.
Janie rapidly blinked her eyes, looking up, trying to hold herself together.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry” Janie finally cracked.
“I-Is h-he…” She couldn’t even bring herself to say such a small word, a small word that meant so much in this situation.
“No, he’s in intensive care they’re trying to stabilize him but he goes in and out. Janie, I, we all need to know why. Why would he do this? What happened?” Isobel cried her shaking hands hardly able to hold the steering wheel.
“I wanted a divorce” Janie whispered, guilty, ashamed even.
Janie stared out the window, enduring the agonizing silence for the rest of the car ride. She knew Isobel would never say it out loud but Janie almost wished she would. She wished that for both of their sakes Isobel would yell at Janie, tell her how much she despised her, tell how that she was disappointed in her, that she couldn’t stand to see her face, slap her …anything would have been better than the silence that ironically seemed too loud. Too loud with unspoken words and thoughts, too loud with all that needed to be said, and too loud with everything that was left unsaid. Janie let out a quiet sigh of relief as they pulled up hospital. She was quick to unbuckle her seatbelt, anxious to get out of the car that was beginning to feel much more like a prison cell, a prison cell of solitude and hate.
She rushed to the receptionists desk as fast as her legs would carry her, Isobel following behind her but unable to keep up with her pace.
“Oh hello darling, how may I assist you?” The woman’s chipper voice filled the space as she put on her glasses to look up at Janie.
“Yes, I need the room for Alex Gaskarth ” Janie replied, waiting as the woman searched the database.
“Ah yes, here we are. Alex Gaskarth ICU 324. Just take the elevator to the third floor and it’s the room on the third right” the lady instructed.
As the doors opened for the second time it was as if suddenly life was in slow as Janie saw her husband for the first time. He lied lifelessly on the white hospital bed, his skin pale, his curls flattened and a million machines hooked up to him. A shaky hand rose to cover her open mouth. She had done this. She had caused this. It was her fault.
But those thoughts didn’t stop her from entering the sterilized room and making her way towards Alex. She placed a warm hand on his cold face, her fingers delicately tracing his jaw before her fingertips gently smoothed across his lips. His all too familiar lips, the lips that she suddenly longed to kiss and so she did; she placed a small yet lingering kiss on his dry, cracked lips almost praying that maybe it would be like one of her childhood fairy tales and he would wake up and suddenly everything would be okay. But of course, that didn't happen. So instead she pulled away and fell into the hard chair that was pulled up next to his bed, she firmly held his hand in her own. Intertwining their fingers, she smiled seeing that they still fit together perfectly.
“Alex” She whispered; bringing his hand to her lips.
“I need you baby.” She kissed his cold hand, but this wasn’t a movie. Alex didn’t respond with a sudden squeeze to signal he had heard her. No. She got nothing of the sort, but that was okay because she knew she was right where she belonged.
Janie sat by Alex’s side as the day drug on, various nurses and doctors coming in by the hour to check up on Alex’s condition. It didn’t take long for Janie to learn to not make eye contact with anyone that entered the room; they all gave her that same sad, sympathetic and downright pitiful look. It was the same look her parents used to give her before they broke the news that one of the horses was sick or dying. She couldn’t stand that look especially when that same very look involved Alex, Janie couldn’t even begin to imagine a world where Alex didn’t exist. Heck, even when she had decided that getting a divorce was the only thing she could do, the only option she had, it was still hard for her to picture a life without him.
“Janie?”
She looked up from Alex’s face, her eyes landing on Isobel who was stood in the doorway.
“Yes?” She asked, clearing her throat which only made it tighten even more.
“We’re all headed home, are you coming dear?” Isobel asked. Janie could tell that she was trying so hard to not breakdown, she was trying so hard to be strong and she was trying even harder to not look down on Janie.
Janie shook her head, “No, you guys go ahead” she answered but Isobel was already walking out by the time Janie had said no.
She let go of Alex’s hand and began rubbing her temples “When did things get so hard?” Janie whispered to herself. It wasn’t long before the sun began to set and Janie’s lack of sleep made her eyes grow tired.
She carefully climbed onto the bed, scooting as close to Alex as she possibly could without hurting him. She laid her head on the thin pillow next to Alex’s and her left hand once again became intertwined with his as her right hand was gingerly placed on Alex’s cheek, her fingers memorizing his soft skin and her lips lingered on his neck.
“Please don’t give up baby” Janie whispered, kissing the same spot again. She felt the tears roll down her face, leaving the salty residue on her lips but she didn’t bother wiping them away.
“They say you can hear me…but I don’t know if that’s true. I do know though that your soul…it can hear me. Alex, I am so sorry. I’m sorry I said all of those horrible things….I didn’t mean any of them. I- I love you and I’m sorry. I promised you forever and always, not forever and almost always. I love you so so so much, and I need you. I can’t do this alone baby. Our little girl she needs you, and I need you and your family needs you. We need you, Lex. Please Alex, please wake up. I need you” Janie cried and before she could comprehend what was happening, Alex’s body convulsed off of the bed before falling back down. His heart flat lined, and Janie was being pulled out of the room as a group of doctors rushed towards Alex, all screaming words that Janie couldn’t understand.
She collapsed to her knees once the nurses let go of her, her body shook as sobs ripped through her. She couldn’t think straight and she couldn’t see, she could hardly breathe and Janie blamed God. He was doing this to her, to him, he was controlling their lives and he was teasing her with Alex’s life. She couldn’t help but feel like she was being punished by God for almost giving up on Alex. Janie thought she knew what love was, but all of this was showing her that she had never known what it meant to love someone, and she never knew how much Alex truly meant to her until she was being threatened of having him taken away from her forever, and that was something that Janie wasn’t ready for at all.
i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry
and that's a lie
10/11/14