No Idea
Into The Dark
By the time they got to the front of the field the sun had completely set and Janie could see the bright lights of the house in the distance. Her mind was replaying Alex’s words to her as she locked the horse in its stable. It was like her mind was betraying her by teaming with her heart, her heart which ached at the idea of not being with Alex. Even though she wouldn’t dare admit it aloud or even to herself, her heart was breaking at the realization that maybe Alex meant what he said and maybe he really was leaving; that maybe he really was giving up and inside Janie knew that more than anything she only wanted to fight with Alex to see if he was going to chase her, fight for her love.
With a heaving sigh Janie raced back to the house with all of her might, as fast as her legs would carry her in hopes that perhaps he had stayed a little longer and she would have time to let him explain himself. She knew that she had never given him a fleeting chance to tell her his side of the story or “the truth” as he called it and that seemed completely contradicting considering all Janie wanted the whole time was a shot of honesty from her husband. She ran up the front steps and threw the door open “Alex?” She called but got no answer, her body responded to the silence by leading her up the stairs and into her room where she found the divorce papers neatly stacked on her perfectly made bed. “No…no no no no” Janie whispered throwing the papers down to the floor.
It was true that Janie was scared that Alex would hurt her again and leave her soul in turmoil but that didn’t stop her from running back to the barn and up the broken ladder, praying all the while that she would find the bed unmade with Alex’s clothes all over the floor, and his scent lingering in the air. She prayed that she would find him sitting on the bed or at the small window, just as upset as she was but as she lifted her body to the loft area she found the exact opposite. She found the bed looking as if no one had ever slept in it, the floor void of any piece of clothing; it was as if every dust particle that had fallen within the last ten years was exactly in place. It was as if Alex was never in the room, the air smelt of old hay and stale dust instead of his cologne. A rigid sob ripped through Janie’s body, she felt like the wind had been knocked out of her as reality came crashing down on her and the gravity of the situation pulled her down to her knees. She knew it was her fault he left considering she told him to, she pushed him away, implied that she didn’t want him anymore. But it was all an act she never really thought he’d leave and Janie couldn’t even begin to comprehend why she let him leave, why she had ever let their relationship fall to pieces, why she had ever let it get to this moment. Janie laid down on the dusty, creaky loft floor for hours before she heard someone climbing the ladder. She quickly sat up, the smallest amount of hope in her chest that it was going to be Alex and when it was only her father she felt like she had been stabbed.
“Janie, what are you doing up here?” Ray asked his broken, vulnerable daughter. Janie slid closer to her father, collapsing in his open arms “he’s gone daddy, he’s really gone…” Janie sobbed into his broad chest, surprised that her body was even capable of producing anymore tears. Wrapping his arms around his daughter, Ray held her close trying to take her pain away but he knew he couldn’t.
“I know baby” He cooed instead.
The ride to the airport was a long, bittersweet one for Alex. He had never felt so alone and weak as he did while sitting in the cab. “It’s an odd day to be leaving your family” The taxi driver said, trying to make conversation but Alex wished he wouldn’t, he just wanted silence.
“Yeah” Was all Alex said gazing out the window at the passing landscapes. With big sympathetic eyes, the driver looked at Alex in the rear view mirror as they arrived at the airport. “
Son, I’ve seen a lot of loneliness and heartbreak leave this taxi….don’t get on that plane with a heavy heart you’ll regret it.” The driver advised but Alex didn’t want to hear it so he paid the man and walked into the airport so solemnly that you’d think he was walking to death row.
“Welcome to Charlotte Douglas Airport where will you be traveling today sir?” The woman at the ticket desk asked in her most chipper voice but even Alex could see through it just like everyone could see through him.
“Baltimore” He sighed.
“One ticket?” The woman asked receiving a curt nod from Alex in response.
“There is one plane leaving in about a half hour, you’ll have to hurry if you want to make it or you can wait until tomorrow morning at eight” The woman offered
“No, today is fine” Alex responded Taking his ticket he hurried through all of the scans not wanting to miss the plane but the smallest amount of hope made him turn around one last time. His eyes scanned the airport almost wishing that Janie would come running up telling him to stay but that didn’t happen.
“Sir? We need you to board the plane” The flight attendant said bringing Alex back to the reality of his situation. He boarded the plane, feeling everyone’s eyes on him as he made his way to his seat as if they all knew what he was leaving behind, what he was going through. He found himself to be a little bit lucky when the seat next to him never got occupied. As the plane lifted off of the ground a single tear made a path down his cheek. It wasn’t long before the tears rushed down his face as he silently broke down, not wanting to draw more attention to himself but that didn’t stop people from staring at him with sad eyes. Looking down at his hand, Alex removed his ring only to feel a wave of emptiness take over, a feeling that he wasn’t ready for. He quickly slid the ring back to its place he didn’t think he would ever be ready to take it off. Taking the ring off meant that it was over; it meant that he was alone and it meant that he had failed himself and his family.
The plane ride went by faster than Alex thought possible and when Alex exited the plane he thought maybe it would be good to be home but entering BWI without his family by his side didn’t feel right. Nothing about Baltimore felt right. Especially when he got home, entering the house alone sure didn’t make it feel like home at all. It made it feel like he was just entering a house, a big empty, quiet, emotion filled house that only made Alex cry even harder. Forcing himself up the stairs and into the lonely bedroom, Alex collapsed on the too big bed suddenly feeling drained of life. But lying in that bed alone, being in that house alone was driving Alex insane. Everything about the house reminded him of Janie and Adelia and only made him realize how much he had lost, how much he had given up. Slowly standing up, Alex walked down stairs and into the music room. He locked the door and grabbed his acoustic guitar off of its stand.
He never was the type to lay in bed and sulk, no matter how depressed he was. Instead he wrote endless amounts of songs and even this time there was no exception..He sucked in a deep breath, thinking of all of the things he wished he would have said to Janie, all of the things he would have told her if he had the chance. So he did what he did best and sung the words out to a sad melody that Janie would never hear. This room's become a mausoleum, filled with relics of regret
Paying dues to every moment wasted, on words left unsaid
Collisions of a finer love, I'd kill for one more way
To tell you how you make me better every day
With his shoulders hunched over, Alex sat the guitar on the floor with a quiet thud. His hands tied into his hair, he wanted nothing more than to just go away forever, to not exist anymore. Because a life without his family wasn’t a life he was willing to live. His eyes scanned the room of guitars, drums and various musical instruments. None of it meant anything to him anymore, life meant nothing to him anymore, it meant nothing. He left the lyrics strewn across the floor he knew someday Janie would find them. He started to leave the room but turned back, grabbing the lyrics to write one extra thing at the bottom.
"I love you, I always have and I'm sorry I hurt you. I never meant to hurt you-Alex".
Placing the sheet of paper neatly on top of the stool and without a second glance he left the house, too distraught to stay in a place filled with memories of a former love. It was beginning to get dark outside as he aimlessly walked the streets, making sure to stop by every place that was important to him, every place that he wanted to remember before he was gone. The last place on his mind was the most important to him. He stood outside of his old family home, looking through the window he saw his family sitting at the table, three extra places set that they all knew no one would fill. All of them held hands as his dad said grace, smiles lit up their faces even Alex couldn't help but smile, seeing everyone happy.
He continued walking until he got to the bridge looking over the interstate. With the dim street lights lighting up the bridge, Alex watched the headlights of the cars approaching the bridge. His cold hands gripped the side of the safety guard. His eyes scanned the area around him. On a nearby street light there was a bulky yellow box with a sign above it reading “Crisis Counseling: There is hope, Make the call. The consequences of jumping from this bridge are fatal and tragic.” Apparently he wouldn’t be the first to contemplate jumping Alex thought to himself. “Do it. Just do it. Close your eyes and jump” Alex whispered to himself in the cold October night as he pulled himself over the edge of the rail. He looked down at the traffic trying to decide when he should let go.
Janie sat at the table with her parents and her daughter, they had just finished saying grace and even though it was thanksgiving everyone in the room felt the bittersweet tension in the air. Adelia, too young to comprehend exactly what was happening but even she knew why everyone was sad, because her daddy had left. Janie pushed the food around on her plate; her appetite was pretty non-existent to say the least. Just as she was about to excuse herself from the dinner table the house phone began to ring, giving Janie a reason to leave the table.
“I’ll get it” She pushed her chair from the table and walked to the hallway where the phone was located. Lifting the phone from the hook she placed it to her ear.
“Rose residence” She said.
“Janie dear this is Isobel” Mrs. Gaskarth replied.
“Oh Isobel , what can I do for you?” Janie asked confused to why she was calling.
“Well I wanted to wish your family and happy thanksgiving and I was wondering if you could give the phone to Alex he hasn’t been answering his cell” Isobel explained.
“Ummm Alex left hours ago Isobel , he went home” Janie said holding herself together to keep her voice from cracking.
“What? Honey are you sure? Jack went by his house earlier and said the house was locked and no one was home.” Isobel said, worry evident in her voice.
“I’m positive that he went home but look I will call him and then get back to you, yeah?” Janie said running her free hand through her long hair.
“Okay dear, if he picks up tell him to call me I’m worried” “I promise, okay talk to you in a bit” Janie hung up the phone and sighed. Her fingers dialed the familiar number that by now were burned into her brain. She anxiously listened to the phone continuously ring but it went straight to voice mail.
“Hey this is Alex, leave me a message” His voice rung through the receiver.
“Alex. It’s Janie look your mom called, she’s worried about you…umm so call her back. I lov….bye” Janie left a message and hung up. Leaning against the wall, tears escaped her eyes and her breathing became shallow. She knew deep inside that something was wrong. Not answering the phone was unlike him, sure he had done a lot of things to break her trust but Alex had always, always answered when she called or when anyone called for that matter. But she also knew that she was too far away to stop Alex from doing whatever dangerous, idiotic thing that she knew he was contemplating.
She jumped when the phone began to ring again; her heart beat accelerated hoping it was Alex saying that he was okay.
“Alex? Hello?” Janie answered but the only response she got was a sob, which definitely didn’t belong to Alex.
“Hello?” Janie asked again, her voice much softer. She could hear the phone being passed to someone else
“J-Janie…w-we found him” Jack said, his voice hardly strong enough to say that one sentence.
“Jack? Is he okay?” Janie asked even though she was all too aware of the answer to her question. Of course he wasn’t okay because if he were they wouldn’t have called her in tears. The silence grew heavy as Janie waited for the obvious answer but she still needed to hear it.
“No…” Jack finally breathed out. Janie covered her face as she slid to the floor, a profound sob escaping her worn throat.
With a heaving sigh Janie raced back to the house with all of her might, as fast as her legs would carry her in hopes that perhaps he had stayed a little longer and she would have time to let him explain himself. She knew that she had never given him a fleeting chance to tell her his side of the story or “the truth” as he called it and that seemed completely contradicting considering all Janie wanted the whole time was a shot of honesty from her husband. She ran up the front steps and threw the door open “Alex?” She called but got no answer, her body responded to the silence by leading her up the stairs and into her room where she found the divorce papers neatly stacked on her perfectly made bed. “No…no no no no” Janie whispered throwing the papers down to the floor.
It was true that Janie was scared that Alex would hurt her again and leave her soul in turmoil but that didn’t stop her from running back to the barn and up the broken ladder, praying all the while that she would find the bed unmade with Alex’s clothes all over the floor, and his scent lingering in the air. She prayed that she would find him sitting on the bed or at the small window, just as upset as she was but as she lifted her body to the loft area she found the exact opposite. She found the bed looking as if no one had ever slept in it, the floor void of any piece of clothing; it was as if every dust particle that had fallen within the last ten years was exactly in place. It was as if Alex was never in the room, the air smelt of old hay and stale dust instead of his cologne. A rigid sob ripped through Janie’s body, she felt like the wind had been knocked out of her as reality came crashing down on her and the gravity of the situation pulled her down to her knees. She knew it was her fault he left considering she told him to, she pushed him away, implied that she didn’t want him anymore. But it was all an act she never really thought he’d leave and Janie couldn’t even begin to comprehend why she let him leave, why she had ever let their relationship fall to pieces, why she had ever let it get to this moment. Janie laid down on the dusty, creaky loft floor for hours before she heard someone climbing the ladder. She quickly sat up, the smallest amount of hope in her chest that it was going to be Alex and when it was only her father she felt like she had been stabbed.
“Janie, what are you doing up here?” Ray asked his broken, vulnerable daughter. Janie slid closer to her father, collapsing in his open arms “he’s gone daddy, he’s really gone…” Janie sobbed into his broad chest, surprised that her body was even capable of producing anymore tears. Wrapping his arms around his daughter, Ray held her close trying to take her pain away but he knew he couldn’t.
“I know baby” He cooed instead.
The ride to the airport was a long, bittersweet one for Alex. He had never felt so alone and weak as he did while sitting in the cab. “It’s an odd day to be leaving your family” The taxi driver said, trying to make conversation but Alex wished he wouldn’t, he just wanted silence.
“Yeah” Was all Alex said gazing out the window at the passing landscapes. With big sympathetic eyes, the driver looked at Alex in the rear view mirror as they arrived at the airport. “
Son, I’ve seen a lot of loneliness and heartbreak leave this taxi….don’t get on that plane with a heavy heart you’ll regret it.” The driver advised but Alex didn’t want to hear it so he paid the man and walked into the airport so solemnly that you’d think he was walking to death row.
“Welcome to Charlotte Douglas Airport where will you be traveling today sir?” The woman at the ticket desk asked in her most chipper voice but even Alex could see through it just like everyone could see through him.
“Baltimore” He sighed.
“One ticket?” The woman asked receiving a curt nod from Alex in response.
“There is one plane leaving in about a half hour, you’ll have to hurry if you want to make it or you can wait until tomorrow morning at eight” The woman offered
“No, today is fine” Alex responded Taking his ticket he hurried through all of the scans not wanting to miss the plane but the smallest amount of hope made him turn around one last time. His eyes scanned the airport almost wishing that Janie would come running up telling him to stay but that didn’t happen.
“Sir? We need you to board the plane” The flight attendant said bringing Alex back to the reality of his situation. He boarded the plane, feeling everyone’s eyes on him as he made his way to his seat as if they all knew what he was leaving behind, what he was going through. He found himself to be a little bit lucky when the seat next to him never got occupied. As the plane lifted off of the ground a single tear made a path down his cheek. It wasn’t long before the tears rushed down his face as he silently broke down, not wanting to draw more attention to himself but that didn’t stop people from staring at him with sad eyes. Looking down at his hand, Alex removed his ring only to feel a wave of emptiness take over, a feeling that he wasn’t ready for. He quickly slid the ring back to its place he didn’t think he would ever be ready to take it off. Taking the ring off meant that it was over; it meant that he was alone and it meant that he had failed himself and his family.
The plane ride went by faster than Alex thought possible and when Alex exited the plane he thought maybe it would be good to be home but entering BWI without his family by his side didn’t feel right. Nothing about Baltimore felt right. Especially when he got home, entering the house alone sure didn’t make it feel like home at all. It made it feel like he was just entering a house, a big empty, quiet, emotion filled house that only made Alex cry even harder. Forcing himself up the stairs and into the lonely bedroom, Alex collapsed on the too big bed suddenly feeling drained of life. But lying in that bed alone, being in that house alone was driving Alex insane. Everything about the house reminded him of Janie and Adelia and only made him realize how much he had lost, how much he had given up. Slowly standing up, Alex walked down stairs and into the music room. He locked the door and grabbed his acoustic guitar off of its stand.
He never was the type to lay in bed and sulk, no matter how depressed he was. Instead he wrote endless amounts of songs and even this time there was no exception..He sucked in a deep breath, thinking of all of the things he wished he would have said to Janie, all of the things he would have told her if he had the chance. So he did what he did best and sung the words out to a sad melody that Janie would never hear. This room's become a mausoleum, filled with relics of regret
Paying dues to every moment wasted, on words left unsaid
Collisions of a finer love, I'd kill for one more way
To tell you how you make me better every day
With his shoulders hunched over, Alex sat the guitar on the floor with a quiet thud. His hands tied into his hair, he wanted nothing more than to just go away forever, to not exist anymore. Because a life without his family wasn’t a life he was willing to live. His eyes scanned the room of guitars, drums and various musical instruments. None of it meant anything to him anymore, life meant nothing to him anymore, it meant nothing. He left the lyrics strewn across the floor he knew someday Janie would find them. He started to leave the room but turned back, grabbing the lyrics to write one extra thing at the bottom.
"I love you, I always have and I'm sorry I hurt you. I never meant to hurt you-Alex".
Placing the sheet of paper neatly on top of the stool and without a second glance he left the house, too distraught to stay in a place filled with memories of a former love. It was beginning to get dark outside as he aimlessly walked the streets, making sure to stop by every place that was important to him, every place that he wanted to remember before he was gone. The last place on his mind was the most important to him. He stood outside of his old family home, looking through the window he saw his family sitting at the table, three extra places set that they all knew no one would fill. All of them held hands as his dad said grace, smiles lit up their faces even Alex couldn't help but smile, seeing everyone happy.
He continued walking until he got to the bridge looking over the interstate. With the dim street lights lighting up the bridge, Alex watched the headlights of the cars approaching the bridge. His cold hands gripped the side of the safety guard. His eyes scanned the area around him. On a nearby street light there was a bulky yellow box with a sign above it reading “Crisis Counseling: There is hope, Make the call. The consequences of jumping from this bridge are fatal and tragic.” Apparently he wouldn’t be the first to contemplate jumping Alex thought to himself. “Do it. Just do it. Close your eyes and jump” Alex whispered to himself in the cold October night as he pulled himself over the edge of the rail. He looked down at the traffic trying to decide when he should let go.
Janie sat at the table with her parents and her daughter, they had just finished saying grace and even though it was thanksgiving everyone in the room felt the bittersweet tension in the air. Adelia, too young to comprehend exactly what was happening but even she knew why everyone was sad, because her daddy had left. Janie pushed the food around on her plate; her appetite was pretty non-existent to say the least. Just as she was about to excuse herself from the dinner table the house phone began to ring, giving Janie a reason to leave the table.
“I’ll get it” She pushed her chair from the table and walked to the hallway where the phone was located. Lifting the phone from the hook she placed it to her ear.
“Rose residence” She said.
“Janie dear this is Isobel” Mrs. Gaskarth replied.
“Oh Isobel , what can I do for you?” Janie asked confused to why she was calling.
“Well I wanted to wish your family and happy thanksgiving and I was wondering if you could give the phone to Alex he hasn’t been answering his cell” Isobel explained.
“Ummm Alex left hours ago Isobel , he went home” Janie said holding herself together to keep her voice from cracking.
“What? Honey are you sure? Jack went by his house earlier and said the house was locked and no one was home.” Isobel said, worry evident in her voice.
“I’m positive that he went home but look I will call him and then get back to you, yeah?” Janie said running her free hand through her long hair.
“Okay dear, if he picks up tell him to call me I’m worried” “I promise, okay talk to you in a bit” Janie hung up the phone and sighed. Her fingers dialed the familiar number that by now were burned into her brain. She anxiously listened to the phone continuously ring but it went straight to voice mail.
“Hey this is Alex, leave me a message” His voice rung through the receiver.
“Alex. It’s Janie look your mom called, she’s worried about you…umm so call her back. I lov….bye” Janie left a message and hung up. Leaning against the wall, tears escaped her eyes and her breathing became shallow. She knew deep inside that something was wrong. Not answering the phone was unlike him, sure he had done a lot of things to break her trust but Alex had always, always answered when she called or when anyone called for that matter. But she also knew that she was too far away to stop Alex from doing whatever dangerous, idiotic thing that she knew he was contemplating.
She jumped when the phone began to ring again; her heart beat accelerated hoping it was Alex saying that he was okay.
“Alex? Hello?” Janie answered but the only response she got was a sob, which definitely didn’t belong to Alex.
“Hello?” Janie asked again, her voice much softer. She could hear the phone being passed to someone else
“J-Janie…w-we found him” Jack said, his voice hardly strong enough to say that one sentence.
“Jack? Is he okay?” Janie asked even though she was all too aware of the answer to her question. Of course he wasn’t okay because if he were they wouldn’t have called her in tears. The silence grew heavy as Janie waited for the obvious answer but she still needed to hear it.
“No…” Jack finally breathed out. Janie covered her face as she slid to the floor, a profound sob escaping her worn throat.
Notes
Feel free to hate me.<3 Katy
i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry
and that's a lie
10/11/14